Words of Lust

by Lise Horton

  “How are you doing, little sister?”

  “Awful. But good. Thanks to you and mom and Serafina. Thank you for Angelina too. I don’t know what would have happened if I had been home alone. I’m so relieved I was with you guys.”

  “Good fortune, for sure. Will I be able to go see the bambina?” He wanted to get a look at the little girl who’d made such a dramatic entrance.

  “I don’t know. They’re still doing all the tests to make sure that she’s okay. The doctor said that her lungs are a teeny bit under-developed, but she thinks that my due date might have been off by a couple of weeks, so she’s not as early as we thought.”

  “Excellent news.”

  “How’s Mom holding up? She’s strong and all in here, but I got the impression she’s barely holding it together.”

  “You know Mom. She’ll never admit it, but yeah, I think she’s going to go home and crash. Pop too. And Rocco looks like someone slugged him.”

  “Oh, he’s such a big baby. But he’s seen Angelina and says she’s perfect and beautiful so we’re all good. We’re talking about him asking for a better schedule. I hated having him gone so much.”

  She yawned and patted his hand and leaned back on the pillows with a bit of a grimace.

  “Are you in much pain?”

  “Honey, you try having them slice you open from hip to hip, through all the muscles that you use to laugh, cry, sneeze, breathe—then we’ll talk.” But she gave him a tired grin. “I’m okay.” She glanced past him to the door. “Where’s Serafina? Didn’t she come back with you?”

  “She’s outside. She didn’t want to intrude.”

  “Oh, for heaven’s sake, go get her. I have to say thank you.”

  He gave her a quick hug. “I’ll be back to see you tomorrow, how’s that? Get your beauty sleep.”

  Outside everyone was jabbering excitedly. “Only parents are allowed in until they’ve finished all the tests, but we’re going down to get a look at Angelina through the window.”

  “Hey, Professor, Cara wants to say thanks.”

  “That’s so silly. I didn’t do anything.”

  “Don’t be modest. You were calm as could be and I couldn’t have held it together without you. Go on in and visit with her while we go down and see the baby. Nick, come on. Let the girls talk.” Mrs. Stellato nudged her.

  He allowed himself to be dragged away, but he glanced back. She was standing motionless before the door to his sister’s room. What was going on? There was something serious bothering her, and he wanted to come clean about his suspicions about Boxer. Now that everything with Cara was okay, he was going to get her home, have a quiet Saturday night alone and talk.

  * * *

  She wished with all her might that she was anywhere else. Work, home, even being subjected to Elizabeth Parker would be preferable. It was agony being in the midst of this joyous family and listening to all of the happy chatter about the baby. Naturally she was thrilled that everything had worked out safely for Cara and her little girl, but for her, the entire situation was like being a starving woman at a feast where she wasn’t allowed to eat.

  Once the family disappeared down the corridor, she stood outside the room until she worked up her nerve. She took a deep breath and pushed open the door.

  “Serafina.” Cara was propped up in bed but gave a feeble wave when she entered the room. Walking stiffly, she sat down in the chair and took Cara’s hand. It was chilled, and she was pale, but her eyes glowed with happiness and she smiled, though it was weary.

  “I’m so glad you came. I wanted to thank you for everything.”

  “I didn’t do much.”

  “You were there and you helped, and it helped Mom to have you there too. And who knows if Nick would have just freaked? You kept us all calm.”

  “I’m glad, then.”

  “How are you doing? Those bruises are looking worse than before.”

  “I’m sure they’ll be really grotesque in a few days. Nice and yellow and green. My headache is almost gone. My shoulder is what hurts the most now. And I shuffle along like a little old lady.”

  “I know how upset Nick was over what happened.”

  “He’s taken good care of me.”

  Cara was silent for a moment. “He cares a lot about you.”

  “I know.”

  “He’s told you?”

  “He said he cares.”

  “It’s obvious the way he looks at you, and how possessive and protective he is. You may think it’s weird because you guys just met a few weeks ago, but he’s a deep guy. He’s never had a long-term relationship before because he knows what he wants. All those other girls, the ones like Denise and a few others, I don’t think they connected with him at all. They liked the package, but the guy inside wasn’t flashy enough or wild enough for them, I guess.”

  “Since I’m not flashy or wild, I guess that’s a good thing.” She smiled but it hurt. She did not want to be here having this discussion.

  “Don’t get me wrong. I hope you don’t get scared off by him. He can be intense, but he’s the best there is.”

  “He’s a good man. That much is very clear.”

  “He deserves to have all the happiness in the world. He’s been like a second father to all of us, looking out all our lives. Beating up the bullies, helping us study. Especially us girls. Though it made dating tough when all the guys knew you had a big brother who’d pound them into the ground if they made a wrong move.” Cara fidgeted a little, and Serafina waited while she took a sip of water.

  “He’s over the moon about Angelina. He’s a great uncle—you saw that at dinner the other night. But I can’t wait until he’s a father. It goes without saying that you’ll have beautiful babies, but he’s going to be an awesome dad. Though if you have a little girl, she’s in for it when—”

  “Stop. Cara. Please. Just stop, okay?” She couldn’t bear it any longer.

  “What’s wrong? I know you guys are going to be great together and—”

  “No. We won’t be great together, and you’ve just made my case for me.” She took a shuddering breath and clenched her hands. “I can’t have children, Cara. I’ve known since I was a teenager. I’m crazy about your brother and it kills me, but it wouldn’t be fair to stay with him when you’re telling me just how much he loves kids and what a terrific father he’s going to be. How can I deprive him of that? You guys have this big, happy family. It would be horrible for him to be the only Stellato without a family of his own.”

  “But maybe there’s a way?”

  She shook her head. “There’s no way. Trust me. I had tests, and my parents got specialists. It’s just one of those things. It’s one reason I always wanted to be a teacher, because it was the only way I’d be able to work with young people and help shape lives.”

  “If you guys talked,” Cara pleaded, but she waved her off.

  “What would be the point? He might say it doesn’t matter now, but I don’t think he’ll feel that way a few years down the road. Would he blame me when it was too late to have kids? You know he would. It’s for the best that I leave now, before we get in any deeper, before I care about him even more.” A hiccupping sob escaped and she put a shaking hand over her mouth.

  “Serafina, how do you feel about my brother?” For a moment, she spotted the steely Stellato character beneath Cara’s words.

  “I love your brother. It’s only been a few weeks, and I know how crazy it sounds. I’m like Nick. I haven’t dated much, but I knew the men I dated weren’t what I wanted, what I needed. When your brother looks at me, for the first time in my life, I feel like all the pieces of the puzzle that is my crazy world fit together. But I won’t let him give up something he craves so much.” She smiled, bitter and cold inside. “I can’t cook, I’m not Catholic, I don’t speak Italian. And I can’t have children. Obviously a very, very poor choice for Niccolo Stellato, wouldn’t you say?”

  Her heart was breaking. She had to escape. She shook her hea
d and swiped at tears.

  “I’m so happy for you and your baby. Happy that you are both all right and happy that your family can rejoice with you. But I can’t do this. I have to go.” Resolute, she stood and walked to the door. Cara had a stunned look on her face. “Please tell him I said goodbye. Take care of yourself and your family. Take care of Nick too.”

  The door closed on Cara’s voice calling to her, but she didn’t look back. The family was still down looking at the baby, so she hurried to the exit. Now that the time had come she was relieved to have made the break. But it was more agonizing than she could have imagined. She was making the right decision and Cara’s words had convinced her, but it hurt so badly to know how much Nick cared. It was like dying to walk away from him, from love.

  Outside she hailed a cab and got in and directed him to her apartment. Then she leaned back and let the tears fall. It had been exquisite with him, if only for a moment.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Cara told him that Serafina had left.

  “She asked me to tell you goodbye. She meant for good.” She looked at him with a serious face but he was floored.

  “Was she all right? What are you talking about? What did she say?”

  She sighed. “We said a lot of things, but I think you need to talk to her. It’s not my place to share with you.”

  “Is it because I made her come with me? I know she wanted to go home. She said she was intruding on family but I bullied her into it.”

  “I think you probably should have listened to her. You guys have gotten pretty heavy pretty quick, and she had her accident, and then this big family crisis. That’s a lot to handle.”

  He paced back and forth, his feelings alternating between fury and an unfamiliar pain. He was forceful. He admitted that. And he should have been more sensitive to what she was saying. Listened to what she maybe meant beneath the words. She’d acted strange but he assumed she’d been up-front when she said it was about not wanting to intrude.

  “You care about her.”

  “Yes, I do. What, did you go talking about my dating history, how I’ve never brought anyone to meet the family before?”

  “Sure I did. Because it’s the truth.”

  “Maybe you scared her away, did you think of that, Cara? She’s young, she’s alone. We can be pretty intense.”

  “That’s not the problem, so stop blaming me, because I didn’t scare her away. She’d already made up her mind to break things off before either of you got more involved.”

  “But why, dammit?”

  “It would be wrong of me to tell you. But—and I’m sorry—I think she might be right. Her reason—well, find her and make her tell you and if she refuses, then I will, but not before you try.”

  His frustration was at the breaking point. He couldn’t believe that on top of everything else, Serafina had just walked away. Especially now, when he needed her, when they’d gotten past so much. There couldn’t be anything so bad or dark—not with the way he knew she felt about him. And she did feel something. He’d bet on it.

  “I told her I cared about her. I meant it.”

  “She believed you. And she cares about you too.”

  “Did she say that?”

  “Yes. She did.”

  “I do not believe this is happening.” He dropped his head into his hands just as the announcement came over the intercom system that evening visiting hours were ending. “You’re making me crazy here.”

  “Call her. Go see her. Talk to her. Then you’ll understand.”

  His parents stuck their heads in and said good night, and they all left Rocco alone in the room to say goodbye to his wife.

  He said nothing to his parents or brothers but stormed out of the hospital and drove home. He wanted to drive to her apartment, he wanted to pound on her door and make her come out and talk to him. Force her to tell him what she was so afraid of—why she would cut and run.

  But he didn’t. It was after eight at night. He was pissed as hell, but she’d been exhausted and if he barged in on her he’d scare her. Better to get his temper under control and let her rest. He could go see her in the morning, because whatever the problem was, if she seriously thought he wasn’t going to fight for her, she was dead wrong. They were too good together.

  He dragged himself up to his loft and once there all he wanted to do was have a hot shower, talk to Serafina and go to bed. He had to make do with two out of the three. Hoping she’d called, he checked his cell, but it was mute. He took a hot shower and then sat alone in the dark, listening to Chet Baker’s mournful rendition of “Every Time We Say Goodbye,” Cole Porter’s classic theme for the lovelorn.

  Thoughts of the last few weeks ran through his head. Serafina laughing, refusing to back down against Boxer, kissing him beneath the moon that first night and coming apart in his arms while he was buried inside her. In the end there was nothing he could do to make the images stop, so he went to bed and lay awake for hours trying to figure out how she could just walk away from him and what they had.

  Chapter Fourteen

  “Good morning, Ms. Luca.” The day doorman, Tony, was especially cheery and his bright, cherubic face depressed her.

  She’d slept until midday. Her body ached and she’d craved rest. Now she just wanted to go out and get a bagel and the Sunday paper and bury herself in her apartment until Monday, when she could distract herself from her misery at school.

  “Good morning.”

  “You had a visitor yesterday afternoon.”

  “Really, who? When?”

  “Afternoon time. He was not a nice man. He was very rude when I told him you were not here. He said you wouldn’t mind if he waited in your apartment, but of course I told him no.”

  A chill crept over her. The shadow man had been nearly forgotten in the chaos of the last two days. “What did he look like?”

  “Big guy. Like a big muscle guy only fatter. Black hair, mean, ugly face. Scary.”

  For a minute she was so panicked she couldn’t think, couldn’t breathe. Tony’s description fit Boxer to a tee. Could he be the shadow man? If so, he knew where she lived and had been watching her, stalking her. And the accident? She’d been shoved—could it have been him there in the crowd? Nick had said he was going to check with the police, but if he had found out something, he hadn’t had a chance to tell her.

  “No, I definitely do not want him to see me, not in my apartment—nowhere. I know this man. He’s scary and I think he’s the one who’s been following me. You’ll tell him I’m not home and you aren’t allowed to let him past the lobby, right?”

  “You betcha, Ms. Luca. I’m make sure all the men know and we won’t let him past us.”

  “Thank you.”

  Now, outside, she was nauseated from the terror. She looked around every few steps, checking behind her, across the street, scouring the area to see if she caught a glimpse of him. Nothing. No hulking lurker in sight. She hurried to the closest deli down the block, grabbed the Sunday Times at the corner newsstand and hustled back to her apartment. She had missed Nick every second since she’d walked out of the hospital the evening before, but now she missed his reassuring strength too. She hadn’t felt so alone since her mother died. She would have to be vigilant. She would stay away from crowds and be home before dark. What else could she do?

  Once inside her apartment, even after checking the hallway before exiting the elevator, she locked herself in tight. She rarely did so during the day, but now she threw every bolt and tested them twice. Could Boxer get past the doormen? There was the freight entrance at the back of the basement. Could he get in there? She’d have to check and make sure Tony, Miguel and Eddie, as well as the weekend relief doormen, were all watchful.

  Miserable and frightened, she wandered around the apartment, her newspaper forgotten on the sofa. She toasted her bagel, but it tasted like cardboard and she left it sitting on the plate on the table. She made another cup of coffee, which got cold, and in the end, when telev
ision didn’t distract her, as a last resort she pulled out work and began going through papers and booted up her computer to respond to student emails. There were dozens of them so it helped take her mind off Boxer, as well as the loss of Nick, and being alone again.

  She had plenty to do putting together upcoming assignments for the Russian lit class, and a few of her more eager students in the Flesh and the Word class had turned in their group assignments so she focused hard and kept her mind off the slow passing of the hours.

  It was after dark, and she was sufficiently hungry to put a frozen meal into the microwave when the buzzer sounded. She jumped, startled, and hustled over, almost afraid to respond. Taking a deep breath, she pushed the button but said nothing.

  “Professor Luca? It’s Miguel in the lobby.”

  “Yes? Is there a problem.”

  “No, ma’am. I just wanted to let you know a man came. I told him what you said. That you were not home. He didn’t ask to wait, though. I told him you’d be a long time.”

  “Was it the big mean man with the black hair?”

  “I don’t think it was that guy, ma’am. This man, he had black hair, but he wasn’t ugly and mean. He was mad, but he wasn’t mean. He was not fat like Tony said the other man was.”

  “Did he leave his name?”

  “Yes, he left a note on a piece of paper.”

  “What did it say?”

  “It said, ‘Call me. Nick.’ You know this man? He is not a bad man?”

  Over sudden tears, she choked, “Yes, I know him, and no, he is not a bad man. He is just a man I do not want to see. Do you understand?”

  “Yes, of course, Professor Luca. I understand. I will tell him you are not here if he comes back again.”

  “Thank you.”

  “Have a good night. And don’t worry, I’m watching out for you.”

  “That makes me feel better. Thank you.”

  Nick had come. She’d hoped he wouldn’t. She hadn’t told the doormen to refuse him, only Boxer, but she was relieved they had. She couldn’t face him. It was impossible to know what Cara might have said. If his sister had told him that she couldn’t have children, would he still have come? She hoped Cara would consider it a private matter and wouldn’t say anything to her brother. He’d have assumed she was annoyed with him, leaving without a word. Perhaps better annoyed than knowing the truth. This way he could be angry, forget her and find another woman who would make him happy. One who could give him the children he deserved to love and cherish.