Uncle John’s Presents Mom’s Bathtub Reader

by Bathroom Readers' Institute

  ___

  8.

  I love you, Mamaaaaaa More than golf with Arnold Palmmmaaaa

  ___

  9.

  I come home in the morning light My mother says “When you gonna live your life right?”

  ___

  10.

  I said, “Mom, what are you doing, you’re ruining my rep” She said, “You’re only sixteen, you don’t have a rep yet”

  ___

  11.

  When I was just a baby, My mama told me, “Son Always be a good boy, Don’t ever play with guns”

  ___

  12.

  Mama, life had just begun But now I’ve gone and thrown it all away

  ___

  13.

  Hey, Hey, Mama the way you move Gonna make you sweat, gonna make you groove

  ___

  14.

  You say your mother told you all that I could give you was a reputation

  Awww, she never cared for me, but did she ever say a prayer for me?

  ___

  15.

  Oh, Mama, I’m in fear for my life from the long arm of the law

  Lawman has put an end to my running and I’m so far from my home

  A.“Mama, Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Cowboys,” Willie Nelson

  B.“Parents Just Don’t Understand,” DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince

  C.“Stuck Inside of Mobile with the Memphis Blues Again,” Bob Dylan

  D.“Renegade,” Styx

  E.“Mother’s Little Helper,” The Rolling Stones

  F.“Mother’s Day Song,” Adam Sandler

  G.“Only the Good Die Young,” Billy Joel

  H.“Black Dog,” Led Zeppelin

  I.“Bohemian Rhapsody,” Queen

  J.“Creeque Alley,” The Mamas and the Papas

  K.“Folsom Prison Blues,” Johnny Cash

  L.“Girls Just Wanna Have Fun,” Cyndi Lauper

  M.“Get Back,” The Beatles

  N.“Baby Driver,” Simon and Garfunkel

  O.“Mama’s Pearl,” The Jackson Five

  ANSWERS: 1. C; 2. J; 3. M; 4. O; 5. E; 6. N; 7. A; 8. F; 9. L; 10. B; 11. K; 12. I; 13. H; 14. G; 15. D

  Your Face Will Freeze Like That!

  Was mom’s advice right?

  From “Don’t suck your thumb” to “Don’t be a bum,” our mothers doled out quite a few pearls of wisdom. Now the guys in white coats with PhDs after their names are trying to verify mothers’ advice in the lab. Was mom always right?

  Eat your fish. It’s brain food. True. How did mom know? One of the fatty acids in fish, DHA, is an important component of your little gray cells; DHA aids your brain’s cell-to-cell communication and nerve conduction. In one study, seniors who ate fish once a week had a better chance to avoid Alzheimer’s.

  Don’t go outside without your coat on or you’ll catch a cold.

  Sorry, mom. Colds are contagious infections usually caused by viruses. They aren’t caused by cold weather or dampness but by germs you pick up when you don’t wash your hands.

  Wash your hands!

  True. See above, silly.

  Eating carrots will help you see in the dark.

  True. The vitamins in carrots help improve your night vision.

  Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.

  Right on, mom. Studies found that kids who eat breakfast do better academically than those who don’t. In one study, breakfast eaters often averaged nearly a whole grade higher than those who went to school on an empty stomach!

  If you keep making that face, your face will freeze like that!

  Sorry, mom. Our faces really do “freeze” into a pattern of creases, or wrinkles, we create whenever we smile or frown, but making a silly face for a few minutes won’t affect anything—except your mother’s blood pressure.

  It’s important to get a good night’s sleep.

  True. Experiments at Harvard Medical School showed that college students who slept after they learned a new task remembered more about it the next day than students who stayed up all night after learning that same task.

  If you can’t say anything nice about someone, don’t say anything at all.

  True. Experiments show that when someone gossips about the personality traits of another person, the listener will transfer those personality traits to the speaker. So if you tell Harry that Jim is a liar, Harry might think you are dishonest. When you only say positive things about other people, you’ll always be perceived in a positive light.

  Too much TV is bad for you.

  True. Too much TV and too little exercise combine to increase body fat and obesity. And to avoid Alzheimer’s, researchers suggest that you turn off the TV and exercise your brain by reading, doing crossword puzzles, playing music, and even gardening.

  Don’t swallow your chewing gum or your stomach walls will stick together.

  Sorry, mom. What were you thinking with this one? A popular variation on this one is that gum takes seven years to digest. Please. Stomach acid is as strong as toilet bowl cleaner and can liquefy chewing gum in no time.

  If you crack your knuckles, you’ll get arthritis.

  Yes. No. Maybe So. Clinicians have found that cracking your knuckles pushes joints past their normal range of motion and puts stress on the ligaments and tendons that hold the joint together. Cracking your knuckles for a period of years could result in inflamed, arthritic knuckle joints.

  Eat slowly and chew your food.

  True. Eating too fast can lead to painful acid reflux disease. People can die choking on a piece of food. Plus chewing more slowly really allows you to taste your food.

  If you cross your eyes, they might stay that way.

  Nah, give up, mom. Keeping your eyes crossed for a while may cause a temporary spasm of the eye muscles, but this condition usually passes shortly. The condition called “cross-eye” often begins at birth. It isn’t related to voluntarily crossing your eyes.

  Nobody likes a smart mouth.

  Oh please, mom! Why do millions love to watch Leno and Letterman? Sorry, mom, you’re wrong. But then, as you’d be the first to advise us—nobody’s perfect!

  “I love my mother for all the times she said absolutely nothing. . . . Thinking back on it all, it must have been the most difficult part of mothering she ever had to do: knowing the outcome, yet feeling she had no right to keep me from charting my own path. I thank her for all her virtues, but mostly for never once having said, ‘I told you so.’” —Erma Bombeck, Motherhood, the Second Oldest Profession

  Lucky or Lethal Livia?

  Did Livia really poison her son’s rivals to the throne?

  Oh, the glory that was Rome! Those ancient marble palaces, statues, arches, and baths; the feasts and festivities—they were to die for! Unfortunately, plenty of people did—die, that is. Especially if they crossed the ambitions of regal first lady Livia. Did Livia kill off her husband and her step-grandchildren so that her son Tiberius would rule the Roman Empire? Was she one of history’s most murderous and manipulative moms? Or was powerful Livia the victim of bad press?

  POWER GRABBY

  Born in 58 BC into a noble Roman family, beautiful Livia Drusilla was married with one son, Tiberius, and another on the way. She was fortunate enough to strike the fancy of a very powerful but unhappily married man, Octavian, the adopted son and heir of Julius Caesar, who wanted her for his bride. Livia’s husband was “persuaded” to divorce her. Once Octavian divorced his first wife, the scandalous pair was married in 38 BC. Livia later gave birth to her second son, Drusus, after her marriage to Octavian.

  PROMOTING FAMILY VALUES

  Octavian took power and became emperor in 27 BC when the Roman senate proclaimed him Augustus Caesar, ruler of the empire and a divine descendant of the gods of Rome. Augustus’s reign lasted 45 years and Livia was his first lady throughout. Unfortunately, their marriage never produced any children, but the union survived.

  Livia was an ideal politician’s wife. She sponso
red charities, dedicated buildings, and presented a public image of the humble wife and mother. Actually, Augustus relied on Livia to help him in affairs of state. She even wielded his personal seal, signing orders for him when he was away. Livia had so much power at home, some said that although Augustus ruled Rome, Livia ruled Augustus.

  MURD’HEIRS?

  Though Livia publicly helped Augustus promote family values, privately she may have been poisoning the family—her husband’s family, that is. Livia wanted to put her son Tiberius on the throne, but Augustus kept picking males from his own line to rule when he was gone. Augustus may have listened to Livia’s advice, but when it came to succession, he certainly had his own ideas.

  First, Augustus picked his nephew and stepson, Marcellus, to succeed him. Then, Marcellus mysteriously died. So his widow Julia married again, this time to Agrippa. The pair had two sons, Gaius and Lucius, that Augustus then named as his heirs. But strangely enough, each of those young men fell ill and died too. It seemed that being first in line for the throne was a dangerous place to be, especially if you stood in front of Livia’s son. Every time Augustus named an heir who was not Tiberius, he seemed to keel over prematurely. Was Livia lucky or what?

  Seems that Rome was no different from modern times when it comes to conspiracy theories. Romans and other historians from classic times onward declared that Livia poisoned off Augustus’s heirs until he was forced to tap Tiberius to be the next emperor. They even go so far as to claim that after Tiberius’s appointment as heir, Livia killed Augustus himself with poisoned figs. Augustus did mysteriously become ill and was called to that great marble palace in the sky.

  Everyone seemed to bite the Roman dust except Livia and her son. Hmm. Mighty suspicious.

  Only lately have some historians said that Livia got a bum rap and was no murderess. They say that the biographers in ancient times blamed Livia for all those deaths because she was such a powerful woman and much resented by all those men, especially her own son Tiberius.

  THIS IS THE THANKS SHE GOT?

  However she got it, Livia enjoyed the authority that came her way when Tiberius came to power, but her son didn’t necessarily enjoy it. Tiberius, who by this time was 46, resented her interference and did not welcome her help in the way Augustus had. Rumor has it that he left Rome and moved to Capri to get away from her. He visited her once in the last three years of her life, and only for an hour or two then. Tiberius’s resentment even lasted beyond the grave. After Livia’s death, he refused to honor her will or attend her funeral.

  But not everyone had as bad an opinion of Livia as her son. When she died at age 86, the Roman senate dedicated an arch to her, honoring her “acts of kindness and generosity.” It was the first and last time ancient Rome gave that honor to a woman.

  Honor Thy Stepmom

  It’s only natural. Just ask Honest Abe.

  Thanks to fairy tales, we’ve all heard of the wicked stepmother. But how about the wonderful step-mother or blessed stepmother? Unfamiliar as those phrases sound, they made perfect sense to Abraham Lincoln. Few people realize that as far as mothers of presidents go, one of the most important First Mothers in American history was in fact First Stepmother Sarah Bush Lincoln. Without her loving assistance, one of the country’s greatest presidents might never have made it into politics—he might not have even survived.

  A celebrity in life and death, Lincoln’s life has been thoroughly examined by historians. Scholars have worked harder than the National Enquirer to dig up Honest Abe’s secrets and scandals. There are wrangles over Abe’s true parentage, whether or not he was faithful to his wife, and even whether or not he had a boyfriend! But no one argues about one vital fact in Lincoln’s bio. The future president adored his stepmother, Sarah Bush Lincoln, and she was a huge factor in his success.

  LIFE WITHOUT MAMA AIN’T NO LIFE AT ALL

  In 1818, when Abe was nine years old and his sister Sarah was 11, the Lincoln family lived in tough frontier conditions in a log cabin in the southern Indiana woods near a community called Pigeon Creek. The Lincolns’ window less cabin had a dirt floor and no door so the winter wind could whistle right on through. But a tough life turned unbearable when Abe’s hardworking mother, Nancy, fell ill and died.

  While young Abe and his sister, Sarah, grieved for their mother, they labored harder than ever. The family struggled to put food on the table and keep the cabin warm. But Thomas knew that his motherless family was floundering, so he returned to Kentucky to find a wife and left the children under the care of their 18-year-old cousin, Dennis—hardly the best supervision.

  GETTING MARRIED IS GOOD BUSINESS

  On his quest for a wife, Thomas Lincoln sought out an old flame, the widow Sarah “Sally” Bush Johnston. Lincoln and Sarah had known each other in Elizabethtown, Kentucky, but Sarah had married another man. Now Thomas found her a widow, free to marry her old beau.

  There was no time for holding hands or candlelight dinners. In a quick, businesslike arrangement, Thomas paid Sarah’s debts and they were married the following day. Thomas, Sarah, and her three children packed up and headed for Indiana.

  THE WAY TO A BOY’S HEART

  Meanwhile, back in the cabin, it had been nearly six months since Thomas left. Ragged, filthy, and hungry, his abandoned children were sure they were orphans. Abe struggled to comfort his sister with presents like a baby raccoon and a turtle, but secretly he feared they would soon die. Imagine his feelings when his father returned with a wagon full of people, including three playmates, Elizabeth, Matilda, and John, and a stepmother who hugged Abe lovingly, then energetically set about making sure he was well cared for.

  Sarah immediately bathed the Lincoln children. She mended their clothes and as their cousin Dennis later said, made them “look human.” Once the children were clean and fed, she got to work on the house, eventually insisting that the Lincoln cabin be fitted up with a wooden floor, a window, and a real door that opened and, most importantly, shut. A loft bedroom was made for Abe, Dennis, and John, while the girls and their parents slept downstairs.

  Abe’s new stepmother brought treasures with her. A table and chairs replaced the tree stumps that had provided seating. Abe and little Sarah learned to use real knives and forks and spoons. Best of all, their lumpy cornhusk mattresses were replaced with feather beds.

  A MIND IS A TERRIBLE THING TO WASTE

  But most important of all, Sarah brought books to Pigeon Creek—biographies of Ben Franklin and George Washington and fiction such as Robinson Crusoe, The Pilgrim’s Progress, and Aesop’s Fables. Abe had always had a hunger for learning and he read the books eagerly. Sarah’s books, along with the Bible, provided his curriculum, since formal schooling on the frontier was unpredictable.

  Abe much preferred reading and studying to splitting logs or working in the fields. This strained his relationship with his father. Thomas didn’t see much value in book learning when there were so many farm chores that needed doing just to survive. It was Sarah who valued Abe’s sensitivity and intelligence and who encouraged the boy to read, do arithmetic, and write poetry. Her stepson, starved for affection and understanding, blossomed under the attentions of the woman he called “mother.”

  With Sarah’s help, a lonely, unhappy boy grew into a clever, self-confident man, determined to become a success in the greater world. To the Lincoln children, Sarah brought comfort and stability. More important, she gave them love and support. Neighbors said that she managed her blended family well, treating all the children impartially. But years later, Sarah admitted to an interviewer that she secretly had a favorite. “Abe was a good boy,” she said, “the best boy I ever saw. I never gave him a cross word in all my life. His mind and mine . . . seemed to move in the same channel.”

  WITH MALICE TOWARD NONE AND CHARITY FOR ALL

  Abraham Lincoln always revered Sarah. He made sure that after his father’s death she received 40 acres to live on as long as she lived. Proud Sarah lived to see her “good boy” become
the president who held the Union together and ended slavery.

  Today a grateful nation still honors the president, who, despite the hatreds formed in a raging civil war, called for “malice toward none and charity for all.” Along with his eloquence and courage, Abraham Lincoln is beloved for qualities of kindness, tolerance, and forgiveness—qualities he learned at the knee of his stepmother.

  Dear Uncle John

  Straight answers for Mother’s Day dilemmas

  Perplexed as to how to show your mom that you care? Just ask Uncle John. He has the answers to all your Mother’s Day questions.

  HOW MUCH TO SPEND?

  Dear Uncle John,

  Help! I need you to settle a spat among my siblings. We can’t agree on how much to spend on mom for this Mother’s Day. I won’t say who’s the cheap one, but it’s not me!

  Sign me,

  Grateful One

  Dear GO,

  It doesn’t really matter what you spend, as long as you show your mom you love her. But for the numerically inclined, we did some research and found that a 2002 National Retail Federation survey showed that consumers planned to spend an average of $97 per household on Mother’s Day gifts. That was 36 percent more than the previous year’s average of $62! Men get the honors for generosity to mom—$118 versus $79 for the ladies.

  Curious as to how we are spending these bucks on mom? About 80 percent of us will buy cards, sending about 144 million of them. More than half will give flowers, with mixed bouquets, roses, or tulips as the most popular choices.