Uncle John’s Presents Mom’s Bathtub Reader

by Bathroom Readers' Institute

  One thing did bring them together: music. Noticing Chris’s fascination with her guitar, Diana bought the eleven-year-old a guitar of her own. Mother and daughter started playing and singing Kentucky hill-country music together. Finally there was at least some harmony in their squabbling household—two-part harmony, that is. The new duo gave their first performance on Mother’s Day when they sang for Diana’s mother Polly Judd, who declared that they sang like angels. Even allowing for motherly prejudice, the record does show that Polly was probably right.

  BIBLES, ROUTE 66, AND NEW NAMES

  Diana and Chris kept singing while Mom was finishing her nursing education in Northern California. Ready to shed her old life, Diana took back her family name and added the biblical first name, Naomi, symbolic of love, loyalty, and, of course, moving on. Chris took a new name too: Wynonna, after a town from the song “Route 66.”

  Some of Naomi’s precious extra pennies paid for Wynonna’s professional music lessons. The pair met people in the recording industry who encouraged them to keep singing. By the time Naomi had her nursing degree, she had a new goal for herself and Wynonna. Good-bye, California. Hello, Nashville, Tennessee, the center of the country music business!

  As mother and daughter appeared together locally, Naomi vowed they’d make it in Nashville. Even though Naomi had her nursing degree, times remained tough for the Judd family. Still broke, Naomi and family were renting an abandoned farmhouse and burning furniture for warmth before they got an unexpected break.

  In 1983, a hospital patient who appreciated Naomi’s nursing and her singing just happened to be the daughter of an RCA record producer. Luckily for the Judds, her dad liked Naomi’s singing too. From there it was live auditions at RCA, a first album, first concert tour, and huge success when “Mama, He’s Crazy” hit number one on the country charts.

  THE HITS JUST KEEP ON COMING

  For the next eight years, the Judds reigned as the queens of country music, with shining platinum albums and six Grammys. Ashley took her own route to fame from the University of Kentucky to Hollywood, where she would go from an ensign on TV’s Star Trek: The Next Generation to starring in major features like A Time to Kill, Kiss the Girls, and Double Jeopardy.

  With all the Judds so wildly successful, Naomi felt herself to be the “Queen of Everything.” Then hard times returned with a vengeance. Naomi was diagnosed with the hepatitis C virus and given three years to live. Forced to retire in 1991, Naomi once again fought to survive, this time using the power of her mind and spirit to aid her body.

  And she triumphed again. Naomi won a rare remission of hepatitis. She now enjoys vastly improved health and the continued success of her girls—Wynonna’s spectacular solo career and Ashley’s Hollywood stardom. The doctors were baffled, but the younger Judds were less surprised. They’ve always known that “Mom is a force to be reckoned with.”

  “Death and taxes and childbirth! There’s never any convenient time for any of them!”

  —Margaret Mitchell’s character, Scarlett O’Hara, in Gone with the Wind

  “If you talk bad about country music, it’s like saying bad things about my momma. Them’s fightin’ words.”

  —Dolly Parton

  Mom’s Sensational Senses

  There’s no limit to what a mom “nose” about her own child. And no limit to the importance of staying in touch.

  Many mothers say they can identify the cry of their own infant. And they soon learn to know them by sight. But humans aren’t known for their good sense of smell. So it was something of a surprise to find that most human mothers could recognize their new baby by smell alone. Not only that, but most new mothers can identify their offspring with just a simple touch on the hand.

  A new mother’s senses of smell and touch are much more sensitive than expected, and these two senses affect moms and their families in ways that are only beginning to be understood.

  MOM’S AROMAMEMORY

  A key to the complexity of motherhood can be found in smelly shirts, of all things. In a famous “sweaty T-shirt” experiment, women were asked to sniff T-shirts worn by men for two nights. They were asked to describe the odor of the shirts—which by now were filled with the “perfume” of male sweat—in terms of intensity, pleasantness, and sexiness. The unexpected results made headlines. Women unfailingly preferred the T-shirts of men who had MHC genes (the genes that can detect disease) that were the least like her own. Amazingly, women could sniff out a guy’s genetic code. On a biological level they seemed to know that it would aid their offspring’s health to have varied MHC genes and their noses told them which guys would help them create healthy offspring.

  Which brings us right back to babies and those smelly shirts again. This time, in a Jerusalem hospital, the sniffers were new mothers who had spent at least one hour with their newborns. These moms took a whiff from three bags. Each bag contained identical undershirts that had just been removed from three newborn infants—one from their new child. Every single mom could identify her own child by smell—sometimes after only an hour of being together.

  It seems a mom’s nose knows how to pick a mate that will give her healthy children. And a mom also has the scent-ual ability to recognize and bond with her own infant—instead of a stranger’s kid from down the hall.

  MOM’S MAGIC TOUCH

  Like her sense of smell, a new mom has a heightened sense of touch. At the Shaarei Zedek Medical Center in Jerusalem, volunteer mothers tried to identify their own infants from a group of three babies asleep in their bassinets. The catch was that they had their eyes and noses covered with a heavy scarf and they were only allowed to stroke the skin of the infants’ hands. Even so, 69 percent of the moms knew their own infants, more than double the number that would be expected by random guessing. When asked how they recognized their own babies, most moms said texture and temperature, though some couldn’t explain it.

  So why do new mothers have such a heightened sense of touch? The pleasure from skin-to-skin contact with their babies may help them ensure their infants’ development. Animal and human studies show that touch is important to brain development in newborns. Human babies also benefit from touch. Premature infants who receive massages gain weight faster and come home from the hospital earlier than nonmassaged infants.

  Lots of touching, skin-to-skin contact, and just plain old cuddling aren’t only pleasurable to sensitive new moms, they’re a way for her to give her babies a good start in life.

  DAD’S GOT THE MAGIC TOUCH, TOO

  Fathers of newborns also tried to identify their own offspring solely by touch. And they did almost as well as moms, with a 61 percent success rate. Dr. Marsha Kaitz, who ran the Jerusalem study, found dad’s style different from mom’s. Touching between fathers and babies was less caressing and soothing, more patting and playful.

  Preemie babies benefit when dads give them massages and “kangaroo care.” For kangaroo care, the dad opens his shirt and the baby lies on his chest with nothing on but a diaper. Then they put blankets on the baby, and dad and baby have some bonding time together. Babies relax and show the benefits of a decrease in their heart rates and oxygen consumption; they’re less stressed when they do kangaroo care with dad.

  Dad, mom, and baby: they all benefit from the scentsations of smell and touch.

  Secret Agent Mom

  Espionage was all in a day’s work for this Civil War mother and daughter.

  During the Civil War, two of General Grant’s most valuable soldiers never fired a shot. Instead, a wellborn mother and her brilliant daughter risked their fortune and their very lives while pouring tea and serving soup. Widow Eliza Van Lew and her unmarried daughter ran one of the Union’s most ruthless and successful spy operations.

  THE MANSION ON CHURCH HILL

  Eliza Baker always moved in privileged circles. The daughter of the mayor of Philadelphia, Eliza married John Van Lew, a wealthy hardware merchant, and moved to Richmond, Virginia. She might have been born a Yankee, but
she became a true Southern aristocrat and presided over one of the city’s finest homes, the mansion on Church Hill.

  Here, amid the splendid marble fireplaces, crystal chandeliers, damask hangings, and mahogany furniture, Mrs. Van Lew raised her children and entertained the distinguished of her day with lavish balls and receptions. John Marshall, chief justice of the Supreme Court, frequently came to dinner. The famous “Swedish Nightingale,” Jenny Lind, sang in the music room and Edgar Allan Poe recited verses in the conservatory.

  THE WIDOW AND DIZZY MISS LIZZIE

  Even though she lived in the South, Mrs. Van Lew did speak out about the need to end slavery despite the family’s owning fifteen slaves. Her daughter, Miss Lizzie, was even more outspoken about the evils of slavery than her mother. Actually, she ranted so much that the locals suspected Miss Lizzie was a few stays short of a corset. After John Van Lew’s death, his widow and daughter freed their slaves, a move that must have had the town gossiping! But talk in Richmond quickly turned to larger matters. Tensions between North and South were heating up—war could come at any time.

  On April 17, 1861, the Confederate flag flew over Richmond, which had become the capital of the rebel nation. Even though the Van Lew women considered themselves patriotic Virginians, they disagreed with secession. In despair, mother and daughter vowed to battle until the Stars and Stripes returned to Richmond. They never wavered.

  THE WAY TO A MEN’S PRISON

  IS THROUGH THE STOMACH?

  When Northern prisoners of war were brought to Libby Prison in Richmond, Lizzie saw her chance to actively help the Union. Miss Lizzie first asked for permission to bring food and medicine to wounded Union soldiers, but was denied. Undeterred, Miss Lizzie won the day with buttermilk and homemade gingerbread for the head of Confederate prisons, Lieutenant Todd, who was the half-brother of Mary Todd Lincoln, interestingly enough.

  Soon Miss Lizzie began regular visits to the prison. She and her mother provided clothes, bedding, books, stationery, and medicine to the Union soldiers. But helping the wounded wasn’t their only goal—picking up military secrets became an important objective.

  Imprisoned soldiers picked up military information overheard from Confederate guards and officers, vital news for Union generals! Miss Lizzie took information from the prisoners and passed it to the Union secret agents that had also infiltrated Richmond. When visting the prison, she often hid written messages in the bottom half of “double bottom” dishes, a set in which the bottom dish was supposed to hold hot water to keep the food warm. The soldiers’ food may have been cold, but the information was sure hot! Once, knowing a suspicious guard was onto her, Miss Lizzie brought in a double bottom dish wrapped in her shawl. When the guard tried to examine the dish, he howled in pain, since Miss Lizzie had filled the bottom dish with boiling water!

  HIDDEN IN PLAIN SIGHT

  Most spies are careful to hide or disguise their political sympathies. Not the Van Lews. They used their politics as a cover. Miss Lizzie openly championed the Union and Mrs. Van Lew vowed to help its wounded men. Friends, neighbors, and even the newspapers railed indignantly against the two for “spending their opulent means in aiding and giving comfort to the miscreants who have invaded our sacred soil.”

  Both Lizzie and her mother could have been executed for treason to the Confederacy had their spying operation been uncovered. By being open about their politics, both women were able to hide their operations in plain sight by being underestimated. Richmond Confederates tolerated the pair as just a couple of oddballs—a charitable, but misguided, widow and her overwrought daughter. The pair played their role to the hilt. Miss Lizzie, who knew everyone thought she was a little off, even began muttering to herself and acting so strangely that she soon had a new nickname, “Crazy Bette.”

  THE SPY SQUADRON

  In addition to their prison exploits, the team had developed a squadron of spies to help supply information to Union agents. Some of the Van Lews’ freed slaves stayed on as paid servants, tending a small family farm outside of Richmond, carrying messages in their shoes or inside buckets of vegetables. Crazy Bette’s open criticism of the Confederacy actually brought many of Virginia’s humbler folk to her door. Farmers and shopkeepers admitted they were loyal to the Union and were soon secretly enlisted in the spy ring. As she became more adept at espionage, she sent and received coded messages directly from Union General Benjamin Butler and even General Ulysses S. Grant. She kept the key to the codes until her death.

  Though too frail to do much active work herself, Mrs. Van Lew used her own formidable weapon—her mansion. When Union agents crossed into Confederate territory for information, they hid in the back bedrooms on the third floor. A space behind a panel under the roof hid escaping Union soldiers if the house was searched. The two women even hid a horse in an upstairs bedroom to keep it from being seized by the Confederate government.

  Perhaps the Van Lews’ greatest achievement arose from an action they’d taken before the war. When they’d freed an exceptionally intelligent slave, Mary Bowser, they also sent her to school in Philadelphia. Mary returned to Richmond and Elizabeth, through a friend, secured a job for Mary in the Confederate White House. Of course Jefferson Davis never suspected that Mary could read or write. But while she dusted his desk, Mary also read his secret papers and quietly relayed that important information back to the Van Lews.

  STARS AND STRIPES AGAIN

  On April 2, 1865, the day came that mother and daughter had longed for. The Confederacy evacuated Richmond as the Union soldiers marched in. Their neighbors could hardly believe it when Crazy Bette and her servants clambered up to the roof and unfurled a huge American flag. The Stars and Stripes were once again waving in Virginia.

  After General Grant arrived in Richmond, he sent his calling card to the Van Lews. He wanted to thank the two women for all they’d done for their country. As Eliza and her daughter served tea to General Grant and his wife at the Van Lew mansion, we can just imagine the polite conversation. “General Grant,” they might have said, “When we said we’d help the Union, we weren’t just whistling ‘Dixie.’ “

  There’s No Mummy Like an Egyptian Mummy

  Dr. Spock would have felt right at home with the nurturing moms of ancient Egypt.

  Egyptian moms loved kids—and lots of ’em. In ancient Egypt, mothers nurtured and cared for their children with a devotion unmatched in the ancient world. All babies were welcome, boys and girls, and a woman with many children was the envy of her barren sisters and the apple of her husband’s eye.

  GET YOUR FREE PREGNANCY TEST!

  Since Egyptian moms were often anxious to know if they would soon hear the patter of lots of little feet, Egyptians developed fertility aids and even an ancient home-pregnancy test.

  To increase her fertility, a wannabe mom would “squat over a hot mixture of frankincense, oil, dates, and beer, and allow the vapors to enter her.” To discover whether or not she was pregnant, she used her urine to moisten seeds of emmer and barley. If a plant grew in a few days, she would bear a child. If the plant didn’t grow, it was time to go back to bed (so to speak).

  Though the fertility aids are suspect, modern scientists have tested the Egyptian pregnancy test and found that watering either seed with the urine of nonpregnant women resulted in no growth for many of the seeds, just as the ancients said it would. Although the “no growth” test did fail in about 30 percent of the cases, this was cutting-edge thousands of years ago!

  HELP, HORUS, HELP!

  Once a happy mother-to-be was in labor, she often went to a cool spot like the breezy roof of a house or to a special pavilion made of papyrus stalks and decorated with vines. Midwives or friends came to help the mother give birth.

  Though children were a blessing, every mom knew that childbearing could be a fatal pain, and they wanted all the divine help they could get. Since illness was often believed to be the result of evil spirits, women lined up divine allies like the powerful sun god, Horus, and th
e goddess Hathor, guardian of women and domestic bliss. Sometimes the god Amun blew in as a northern breeze to cool mothers during the hard work of labor.

  You would be hard-pressed to find an epidural in ancient Egypt, so women sought relief in spells and amulets. An amulet was placed on the mom-to-be’s forehead when this spell was repeated four times:

  “Come down, placenta, come down! I am Horus who conjures in order that she who is giving birth becomes better than she was, as if she was already delivered . . . Hathor will lay her hand on her with an amulet of health! I am Horus who saves her!”

  Unfortunately, Horus’s help wasn’t foolproof. Many women died in childbirth, even in royal families. In King Horemheb’s tomb, the body of his queen, Mutnodjmet, was found along with the tiny bones of a fully developed fetus who is believed to have died inside the dying mother.

  WHAT’S IN A NAME?

  If Mom and her precious baby survived the birth, she named that baby immediately. In case of sickness or death, a name ensured the infant’s survival in the afterlife. Some names expressed a mother’s joy, so a baby might be called “Welcome to You” or “This Boy I Wanted.” A baby might also be named for his or her physical characteristics, with a handle like Pakamen, meaning “The Blind One.” Names of gods and goddesses abounded, along with names from the pharaoh’s family.