She’d had enough experience around Andre to realize he always meant what he said. But she felt it would be better if he weren’t driving when she broached the subject of ending their relationship.
“Could we at least pull off to the side of the road then?”
He flashed her a look she couldn’t decipher. “In other words, whatever it is you have to say to me might cause me to lose control of the car.”
Fran shook her head in despair. “No, Andre— I just prefer to talk at the apartment.”
“I thought you wanted to go home.”
“I do.”
“Your home is with me now. I’m not asking you to sleep with me. Only to live under the same roof with me for a while, to get used to the idea. Gerda’s family is installed in their new house. There’s nothing to prevent us from being together now.”
She couldn’t look at him. “Yes, there is.”
“Francesca— I’ve given it a great deal of thought.” He went on speaking as if she hadn’t said anything. “If you don’t want children, so be it. Without you, there’s no point to anything. You and I can have an incredible life just as we are.”
No, Andre. No.
She shook her head. “I can’t ask you to sacrifice for me that way.”
“Why?” he demanded. “Have I suddenly grown another head?” His voice was icily mocking. He sounded so different from the man she thought she knew, her alarm grew.
“Please don’t talk like that, not even in jest.”
“If you think I was jesting, then you don’t know me at all.”
“Andre—” In her agitation she nervously rubbed her hands against her thighs. She could tell he was aware of her every movement. It increased her anxiety until she thought she might jump out of her skin. Finally she found the courage to say the words.
“I’ve made the decision not to see you again.”
After that revelation, she didn’t know what to expect. But she hadn’t counted on the absolute quiet coming from Andre’s side of the car.
He continued to drive as if he hadn’t heard what she said. At first she thought he would take her to his house whether she wanted to go there or not. But when they passed by the turnoff for the northeast area of the city, she realized he intended to drive her to the apartment as she had requested.
She tortured the straps of her purse. “Please, Andre—say something.”
The speed of the car didn’t change. Neither did his facial features which revealed a mask-like appearance in the shadowy light. “I think you’ve said it all.”
Her mouth had gone so dry she could hardly articulate. “Our relationship has been a mistake from the beginning. We were both carried away by our passion, but those fiery emotions won’t last forever. It will be easier if we end it now and go our own way.”
When there was nothing forthcoming from his end, she began to panic. “While I was in Washington D.C., I had time to do a lot of thinking in my hotel room every night too. You’ve been leading an unnatural life here in Salt Lake. Be honest, Andre. You love the sea.
“The only reason you came out West was because of your father. Now that he’s gone, there’s nothing to hold you. I’ve been a distraction, that’s all.”
Now that she’d started this, she couldn’t seem to stop. “I’m the one who flirted with you that first day when I had no business doing any such thing. Even though you weren’t a monk, I had no way of knowing that; yet I purposely provoked you into paying attention to me because I was so attracted to you. It was wrong of me.”
She struggled for breath. “I hope that one day you can forgive me for being such a terrible person, for telling you I would marry you when I knew deep in my heart it wouldn’t work. You need to do what makes you happy. After the adventurous life you’ve led, you’ll die of suffocation in Salt Lake.”
Still he said nothing as they turned onto her street.
“I have no intention of marrying, but eventually I know you’ll find a woman who can give you all the things you need, all the things you deserve. No one deserves a perfect marriage and children more than you do. I wish I could be that woman to give you those things, but I can’t. I can’t,” she said in a tortured whisper.
“I believe you,” he said gratingly. They’d pulled up to the curb in front of her apartment building. “There were men at sea like you, emotionally crippled from childhood, unable to lead full lives. The damage had gone too deep at too young an age. Some psychiatrists call it a brain breeze. No one can help them. You’re obviously one of those people.”
Fran sat there stunned by his words, let alone his civilized acceptance of the situation. He got out of the car and proceeded to pull her cases from the trunk. The next thing she knew he had opened the door on the passenger side to help her through the snow.
Andre had always been a gentleman, but this display of manners when she knew he was in so much pain, was intolerable.
“Please, Andre. I can make it inside with my things.”
“I have no doubt of it. A woman still single at twenty-eight years of age has learned how to fend for herself. But since I’m here and willing, why not take advantage of me. After I’m gone, you can revel in your single status to your heart’s content.”
A stabbing pain in her heart sent a shock wave through her body, almost immobilizing her.
He started for the building. She had no choice but to follow him through the entry and down the hall to her door.
“I’ll have your car delivered to you first thing in the morning.”
Quick before she collapsed, Fran fumbled in her purse for the key and inserted it in the lock. Andre was right behind her. The minute she heard the click, he opened the door and placed her bags inside the minuscule foyer.
Before she could credit it, he’d made a tour of her apartment. “Everything seems to be in order,” he stated equably as he reappeared in the front hall seconds later.
For a brief interval she felt his dark gaze sweep over her face and body, but his eyes were veiled, hiding his thoughts.
“More than anyone else, a sailor understands about two ships passing in the night.
“With a dark, bottomless, pitiless sea all around them, they feel a temporary connection, a little link of humanity to humanity until both disappear into the void in opposite directions, never to pass each other again.
“For one sweet, shining moment, we linked, you and I. Believe it or not, I consider myself one of the lucky ones who can go off with that memory in my heart. Some mortals are destined never to come close.
“Goodbye, Francesca.”
She swayed and had to catch hold of the door jamb so she wouldn’t fall.
This wasn’t like any of the other times.
This time he wouldn’t show up again unexpectedly.
This time it was really over.
Andre Benet had just walked out of her life.
He can never hurt you now.
He’s gone for good.
You can get back to the life you were leading before you drove out to that monastery and entered forbidden territory.
“Natalie?”
“Andre?”
“Yes. Forgive me for calling you this late, but it’s important.”
“Please don’t apologize. It goes with the job. Besides, I consider you a good friend. You can bother me any time you want. Is everything all right at the Richters?”
“When I left them at dinner a few hours ago, they were beaming. I have a feeling they’ll be able to take root in a house like that. But they’re not the reason I’m calling.”
“How can I help you?”
“I’m leaving Salt Lake later tonight. I won’t be coming back.”
“What?” She gasped. “But I thoug—”
“Natalie— just hear me out. I’ve packed the things I’m going to take with me. Everything else can be sold with the house. I’m leaving the sale of it in your capable hands. You’ve already worked with my lawyer. Contact him when you have a buyer. He has t
he power of attorney to act for me and will invest the money.”
“But Andre—”
“There are things you don’t know, Natalie. Please continue to be my friend and carry out my wishes. That’s all I ask.”
“Of course I will,” she responded in a subdued voice. “I’ll get top price for you.”
“I never doubted it. Thank you for everything. I’ll always be grateful for your help. You’re the best at what you do. Take care, Natalie.”
Andre only had two more things to do before he left for the airport. After pulling a sheet of paper from his bureau drawer, he began his letter in German.
Dear Gerda—
You’ve been like a mother to me. Tonight I’m writing to you as a son.
Francesca has turned me down. I understand her reasons, but I can no longer live in this city, let alone this country.
You may not hear from me for a long time, but always know I will cherish you and your family in my heart.
I’m leaving you my car as a housewarming gift. This way you and Harbin won’t have to share his. It’s German-made, so I trust you won’t disapprove. My attorney will be contacting you to change the title and give you the key.
If things could only work out for one of us, I’m glad it was you. You’re one of the noble of the earth. It has been a privilege to know you and your family. May you always be happy, Gerda.
I hope that when you think of me, you will refer to me as your schatz. I’m very attached to the appellation.
All my love,
Andre.
He folded the letter and put it in an envelope. When he arrived at the airport, he would post it.
Forty-five minutes later he told the taxi driver to follow Francesca’s car while he drove it over to her apartment complex. After dropping her key in the mailbox, he got in the taxi. Ten minutes after that he asked the driver to wait for him in the monastery parking lot.
It was after midnight. The brothers would all be asleep by now. He didn’t need a light as he made his way around the back of the monastery. Many were the nights he found himself standing at the foot of his father’s grave when he couldn’t sleep.
Tonight was such a night with one enormous difference.
“I couldn’t leave without telling you something that should bring you great solace. It was here in Salt Lake that I met a woman and found the meaning of life. You don’t have to worry about me anymore. Rest in peace, Father.”
CHAPTER TEN
“HELLO? GERDA?”
After a brief silence, “Is that you, Francesca?”
“Yes. Please forgive me for disturbing you.”
“You’re not disturbing me, my dear. I’m very happy to hear your voice.”
“It’s good to talk to you too. Gerda? I went over to the house a few minutes ago and saw a For Sale sign on Andre’s property. No one answered the door. Do you know where he is? I need to talk to him.”
Again Fran heard the hesitation coming from the older woman. “He sent us a letter. It said that he had gone away and wouldn’t be back.”
“Where did he go, Gerda?” she cried. “I have to find him!”
“I wish I knew.”
Gerda sounded too sincere to be lying. “Do you think Natalie Cairns would have any idea?”
“No. I already asked her. She’s handling the sale of Andre’s house. Apparently he told her to sell everything, even the furnishings.”
Dear God. What have I done?
“I also spoke to Mr. Earl, Andre’s attorney,” Gerda murmured. “If he knows where Andre is, he’s been told not to divulge that information to anyone.”
Fran moaned. “It’s my fault Andre went away.”
“He has loved you for a very long time.”
“Oh, Gerda. I love him so much you can’t possibly imagine. I’ve got to find him!”
“I agree the situation is desperate. Perhaps if you inquired at the monastery.”
The monastery.
“I think you were inspired. He wouldn’t leave without saying goodbye to them. I’m going to drive over there right now.”
“Let me know if you hear anything. Naturally I will phone you if I should have word of his whereabouts.”
“Thank you.”
“There’s no need to thank me. We both love him, ja?”
“Oh yes!”
But half an hour later, Fran’s hopes for a lead were dashed when Brother Joseph in the gift shop could shed no light.
“I’m in love with him, Brother Joseph. Maybe he didn’t tell you about us, but he loves me too. I just want to find him and talk to him. He asked me to marry him. I want to tell him yes.”
The older priest eyed her with compassion. “I didn’t know. Congratulations. It would have made the Abbot very happy.”
“I sincerely hope so. The only problem is, Andre and I had a misunderstanding and now I’m desperate to find him. Don’t you have any idea where he might be? Didn’t he share anything with you?”
“No, I’m sorry.”
“If you do hear something, could you let me know?”
“Come back in a week. Perhaps there will be some word.”
“Yes. I’ll do that. Thank you,” she said and turned quickly away, afraid she would burst into tears right in front of him.
She made it as far as the door when he called her back. “There’s a postcard here for him. It came a few days ago. Since you’re planning to marry him, perhaps you’d like to take it with you.”
Curious to know who would be writing him, she took it from the monk and read the message.
Dear Andre—
The wife and I have thought it over. If you don’t think your sweetheart will mind, we’d love to come to Salt Lake and stay with you in your new house. Frankly, I can’t wait to see it.
But it will have to be the day after Christmas because we’re spending Christmas Day with her folks.
Here’s my phone number. Just give me a call and we’ll make final arrangements. The kids can’t wait to ski with you!
Thanks again for the invitation. Sincerely,
Jimmy Bing.
Fran blinked. Jimmy was the man Andre had spent Thanksgiving with. They crewed together when they went to Alaska.
“Brother Joseph? Is there a phone I might use?”
“Of course. It’s right here.” He moved it forward from behind the counter. Something told Fran that Jimmy was the one person who would know where to find Andre. With her heart pounding out of rhythm, she pressed the buttons and prayed someone was home.
“Hey? Are you Andre Benet?”
Andre stopped in the act of putting things away in his locker. “I am.”
“You’re wanted dockside.”
Andre frowned. “Why? We’re almost ready to get under way.”
“I have no idea. Somebody told me to tell you.”
It was probably Jimmy and his family who’d come to see him off even though he’d told them not to. “Thanks for the message.”
“Sure.”
There was always a crowd gathered round during embarkation, especially at a bustling port like San Pedro. Andre disliked the whole miserable scene of families clinging to their loved ones. He generally stayed busy on board until long after the ship had put out to sea.
The last thing he felt like doing right now was going ashore for a final round of goodbyes. Jimmy’s family had been forced to put up with more than they’d bargained for this time. He’d had no right to inflict his pain on everyone, and had left early for the port in a taxi. Under the circumstances, he didn’t know why they’d bothered to come. They didn’t deserve more of the same treatment.
Andre supposed he could pretend he hadn’t gotten the message. But that would be adding insult to injury. He had to make one last effort at civility before he disappeared. The blackness of a future without Francesca yawned wide before him. He was sinking fast.
“Excuse me,” he muttered as he slipped past members of the crew settling in. Eventually he found his way to
the gangplank and looked around for Jimmy.
Midway down he paused to gaze at the crowd of people shouting to the crewmen on deck. So far he could see no sign of his good friend.
“Andre!”
His head reared back and his eyelids squeezed together. He had to be hallucinating. Out of the many voices, there was one calling his name that sounded too much like Francesca’s. Maybe he had gone over the edge. She was in his blood until he couldn’t think of anything but her.
“Wait, darling! Don’t go! I’m coming!”
Paralyzed with fear that when he opened his eyes it would all be a figment of his imagination, he was slow to react. When he dared to look in the direction of that voice, he could see a woman with shoulder-length gossamer hair desperately attempting to make her way through the throng of people.
The stunning camel-hair coat worn with a long brown-and-white print scarf were unfamiliar. But when she squeezed past another group and looked up, it was Francesca’s beautiful face that filled his vision. His heart knocked in his chest.
He couldn’t imagine how she would have tracked him here, but right now he didn’t care. The only thing of importance was that she’d come all this way to see him. Without conscious thought he started running.
Like all the other seamen over the years who’d literally pushed everyone aside to get to their loved ones waiting on the dock, he found himself doing the same thing. Charged with the energy of ten men, he leaped over the side in an effort to reach her sooner.
The last thing he saw before he caught her in his arms was the glint of liquid green eyes. She felt fantastically warm and vital. He crushed her against his body so they literally swung around.
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