Beneath the Water

by Sarah Painter

  He rolled his shoulders. ‘No. It’s okay. I’m all right. Just getting used to it.’ He glanced at Stella. ‘And don’t take this the wrong way, but I don’t like being driven, either.’

  ‘By a woman?’ Stella said, ready to despise him.

  ‘By anyone. Control thing.’

  ‘Fair enough,’ Stella said. She was exactly the same. Trust issues, Ben had said. ‘Did school get better?’

  ‘I got used to it.’

  He didn’t say anything for a few minutes and Stella thought the subject was closed.

  She was just taking a sharp bend in the road when Jamie said, ‘It was better than being here, anyway. It was away from my dad.’

  ‘I’m sorry,’ Stella said. ‘What was he like?’

  ‘Obsessive. Often angry.’ Jamie’s voice was even. ‘I used to think it was me, that I brought out the worst in him, but now I think he was frustrated. He drank too much and wasted a lot of his time on different pursuits. He did biochemistry at university and then went into business. He made plenty of money, but I think he wanted to do something remarkable.’

  ‘That sounds familiar.’

  ‘I’m nothing like him,’ Jamie said quickly. ‘Nothing.’

  The sky was a blanket of white, streaked with pale yellow and silvery lilac. It was so pretty and still that it looked like a painted backdrop. The bare trees stood out starkly against the sky and the snow-covered hills, defining the landscape. ‘It’s so beautiful,’ Stella began to say, but the back wheels of the car were sliding as she took yet another tight bend in the road. She resisted the urge to correct the slide or hit the brake, turning the wheel with the car’s direction instead.

  A silver car was approaching on the other side but Stella got the BMW under control and back on the right side of the road before it reached them. Everything seemed to have happened in a leisurely few minutes, but as normal time came back Stella realised it had been very quick. ‘Are you all right?’ She glanced at Jamie who was white-faced, his lips pale and thin.

  ‘Yeah. Fuck.’ He blew out a rush of air. ‘Well done.’

  ‘Thanks.’

  ‘I would have messed that up,’ Jamie said. ‘I would have skidded, probably crashed. Out of practice driving in these conditions.’

  ‘I took a course,’ Stella said, both embarrassed and pleased by his admiration. ‘Advanced driving. Taught by a terrifying ex-special forces guy.’ She could feel him watching her and, after a minute, said, ‘What?’

  ‘Why did you do the course? Not that I’m not grateful for your hidden talents.’

  Stella weighed up how honest to be, then she thought, Sod it. Although she no longer wanted her stay at Munro House to be temporary, Jamie had made no mention of making her position permanent. In the big scheme of things, it probably didn’t matter. ‘I don’t like taking risks,’ Stella said. ‘Driving with just the standard training seemed like an unacceptable risk. People with the advanced driving certificate are twenty-five per cent less likely to be in a road traffic incident.’

  ‘How did I get so lucky?’

  ‘Pardon?’ Stella took another tricky bend, accelerating out of it and up the slope.

  ‘To find you. I love your logic.’

  Stella knew that he meant that he had been lucky to find her as an assistant, an employee, but a warm glow still settled in her stomach. ‘I think you’ll remember, I found you.’

  He grinned. ‘And you never let me get away with anything. I love it.’

  Stella wondered just how many ‘yes men’ Jamie was used to. It made sense of Nathan. He might be a pain in the arse, but he was honest with Jamie, in his own way.

  ‘I used to love driving these roads,’ Jamie said, looking out of the window. ‘There’s nowhere quite like it.’

  ‘Not around London there isn’t, that’s for damn sure.’

  ‘Is that why you moved up here? For the scenery?’

  ‘Not exactly,’ Stella said. ‘I needed to get away and Caitlin kept inviting me. Once I got here I felt like I was meant to come, though. I don’t believe in fate and I’m not superstitious, but it was a really strong feeling. That’s why I decided to try to hang around.’

  ‘Gut feelings are always worth paying attention to,’ Jamie said. ‘There have been studies which have shown our first decisions are often our best.’

  ‘I thought we carried a load of biases which made our gut reactions or guesses suspect.’

  ‘Yeah, we have a ton of biases which can make some of our thought processes and assumptions flawed, but the studies on our first reactions, the things we think in the very first moments that we don’t even realise we’re thinking . . . those tend to be pretty reliable. They’re separate to the rational mind. But there was solid work done on split-second decisions being the best and the amount of information we take in about our surroundings that we’re not even aware of.’

  ‘Like spotting the tiger hiding in the bushes and feeling alert and afraid before we even know why.’ Stella said.

  ‘Exactly. It’s survival stuff. On the most basic level, if your instincts are shit you wouldn’t be here. Biologically speaking you would’ve been weeded out of the gene pool long ago.’

  ‘The world has changed so much so quickly, though. It makes you wonder what survival traits we haven’t honed yet.’

  ‘Is your risk aversion because of your heart condition?’

  Stella kept her eyes firmly on the road. She didn’t intend not to answer but she couldn’t form the words and then the pause had gone on too long, become a silence.

  ‘You don’t want to talk about it,’ Jamie said, after a while.

  ‘Not while I’m driving,’ Stella said. She could feel her heart fluttering in her chest, her pulse quickening. She punched the button on the steering wheel to turn on the radio.

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  23rd September, 1848

  My dearest Mary,

  I have the most marvellous news; I have been accepted at last! I even heard from Mrs Goode that Lady Anstruther had taken to calling me ‘the rose of Haddington’. The ladies all have special names for one another so I take that as high praise indeed, although I fear it might have the edge of unkindness as my cheeks are whiter than ever and even a sharp pinch brings ‘roses’ for a moment and no more.

  However, what do I care? Now that my ankles have swollen to twice their usual size and I have a most disturbing waddle, the other ladies speak to me more freely and that is a blessing. There is a code, of course, so that only ladies who have become mothers already speak of certain matters, but I feel as if I have been allowed to loiter in the doorway of the club, at least.

  Lady Anstruther was speaking highly of Mr James Young Simpson. Apparently ladies from all over Europe are flocking to Edinburgh for his care. Mr Lockhart had indeed spoke to me of this phenomenon, saying that we were fortunate to live in such times. It will be good for all physicians, it is true, as the reputation of our fine city spreads throughout the English-speaking world. I am quoting my husband, here. He has a very fine turn of phrase. It makes you feel quite invigorated, as if almost anything is possible if only one could reach out and take it.

  Lady Anstruther became quite animated as she described a special instrument which Mr Simpson had developed. It is for use when a lady is having difficulty and apparently it seizes the baby about the ears and means it can be pulled – quite safely and undamaged. I feel faint at the thought, but Mr Lockhart was very pleased when I related the conversation. So many husbands want nothing at all to do with female concerns, I am very lucky.

  I received dear Annie’s note and while I shall respond in kind, I must relay my physical affection through your arms. Hold her too tightly until she wishes to wriggle free so that she can know how deeply she lives in my heart. On the matter which you alluded to regarding Annie’s music lessons, I quite agree with you and think you should proceed.

  I have only a few minutes before I must dress for dinner but I wished to thank you for advising me as to
the efficacy of ginger tea. It was most welcome and I have found it to be a great relief to the cursed sickness. Kiss faither for me.

  Your loving Jessie

  Jamie had been in the dining room with the police officer for half an hour. Stella had been in once to offer coffee, and when both men said ‘no thanks’ she had hung around in the kitchen, trying to stay occupied and not to think too much about what was going on in the room next door. Stella still couldn’t believe that Nathan had simply left when it had happened, but there was part of her that was relieved. She could imagine him ruffling feathers with the local police, making everything worse.

  She heard the door open and voices in the hall. A couple of minutes later, Jamie walked into the kitchen and headed straight for the fridge. He stood in front of it for a minute before closing the door and sitting at the table.

  ‘Can I get you something?’ Stella said, hating how pale and tired he looked.

  ‘They found way too much vitamin A in her blood. It caused the dizziness and fainting. It can cause pressure on the brain and liver damage.’ He looked sick.

  ‘Oh Christ.’ Stella thought of the plastic tubs of pills, the bottles of liquid supplements, the powders, all lined up on the kitchen counter, and the boxes of the stuff stacked in the weights room.

  ‘But she wouldn’t have taken any,’ Jamie said. His eyes were hollow with fatigue and he rubbed a hand over his face. ‘No chance.’

  Stella couldn’t think of a nice way of phrasing the next thought that popped into her mind, so she just asked it quickly. ‘Had you mixed some into a smoothie? Or your coffee? Something she might have had without realising—’

  ‘Definitely not. And she wouldn’t drink one of my concoctions, anyway. Calls them “marsh water”. Besides, it was acute toxicity, which means she must have had a huge dose in a short space of time. It doesn’t make any sense.’

  ‘I know,’ Stella said. ‘But what could cause that? Maybe the vitamins interacted with something else she had taken.’

  Jamie shook his head. ‘I don’t know what. She hardly ever even took paracetamol. As far as I know, anyway. And it’s not like I have anything stronger just lying about. I’m not an idiot.’

  Stella resisted the urge to put her hand in her pocket, feel the emergency tablet she kept in a special case. She had already checked her supply. As far as she could tell there were no pills missing, although she didn’t keep an exact count so she wouldn’t be able to swear on it in court. Court. Fuck.

  ‘Could anybody want to hurt her?’ Stella held up her hands. ‘I know that sounds crazy, but I can’t help thinking—’

  ‘The police asked that and the answer is no. Esmé is as popular around here as I am unpopular. At least she always was. I haven’t been out much, so—’

  ‘I haven’t heard a bad word said about her,’ Stella said. ‘And people seem to be lining up to give me their opinions.’

  ‘Well, that’s good. And they say bad stuff is usually family, right? And she doesn’t have any left around here.’

  ‘Except for you,’ Stella said.

  Jamie smiled. ‘That’s true.’ Then his smile disappeared. ‘No wonder the police want to speak to me again.’

  Stella didn’t know what to say, but Jamie summoned up another grim smile. ‘It’s all right. I haven’t done anything wrong so I’ve got nothing to worry about.’

  Without discussing it, Jamie and Stella fell back into their research routine. Stella had catalogued the contents of the boxes and was immersed in reading Jessie’s letters. Sometimes it was difficult to decipher the handwriting and the pen scratches seemed to dance in front of her eyes; other times entire passages would reveal themselves as easily as a waking dream. It was comforting to sit in the big armchair near the window with Tabitha’s head on her lap and a letter in her hand and, although she felt vaguely guilty for thinking it when Esmé was still unwell, she wasn’t sure if she had ever felt more at home in a place and time.

  Her childhood had been overshadowed by hospitals and worry. Her parents had done their best and she had plenty of good memories, too, but when she thought of growing up she thought of fear and tests and the sense that she had no control over what happened to her or her own body.

  University had been thrilling and terrifying at the same time. The freedom going hand in hand with the sense that she might crash to earth at any moment. After graduating she had tried so hard to make a safe and stable life. But she had always felt anxious and out-of-step, always rushing to the next thing, always trying to plan out the best way of using the little time she had available. As if her life were a test that she had to pass.

  Listening to the clock ticking on the mantelpiece and watching the sky change from the arched window, Stella felt her heart slow and steady in her chest. When she checked her emails on her phone and saw one from Ben, she hit ‘delete’ without even opening it.

  Once it passed five, Stella went to visit Caitlin and Rob. She knew that the news about Esmé would have already travelled around the village and that they might be worried. The anger that she had felt over Caitlin shopping her to Jamie had been overlaid by recent events and, although she tried to summon a bit of outrage as she walked to the cottage, it felt faded and unreal.

  Caitlin opened the door and immediately pulled Stella in for a quick hug.

  ‘I guess you heard,’ Stella said, the last of her anger disappearing in the face of Caitlin’s obvious distress.

  Caitlin pulled back to look into her eyes. ‘Are you all right?’

  ‘Fine,’ Stella said, touched by her concern.

  They went through to the kitchen and sat down.

  ‘I wasn’t sure if you were speaking to me,’ Caitlin said, looking at the table.

  ‘I wasn’t thrilled about the note you sent,’ Stella said. ‘But I understand that you were worried about me. You don’t have to be, though. I’m sorry you saw what you saw, but it’s nothing new. And I really am fine.’

  ‘Did you go to the doctor?’ Caitlin raised one eyebrow, hamming up her quizzical expression to soften the question.

  ‘Jamie brought one to the house.’ Stella couldn’t stop smiling at the memory. It was undeniably fancy.

  Caitlin didn’t seem as impressed as Stella expected. In fact she was distracted, jumpy. ‘Are you leaving?’

  Stella lost her smile. ‘Jamie? No.’

  ‘But you’re not going to stay there? You can come back to us, you know. Any time.’ Caitlin was shredding a tissue as she spoke, white flakes floating over the table.

  ‘Why wouldn’t I stay?’

  ‘Esmé’s in hospital. Something in that house made her ill.’

  ‘She’s on the mend,’ Stella said, feeling defensive. ‘She’ll be home soon.’

  ‘I heard she’s going to stay with a friend in Edinburgh.’

  News really did travel in Arisaig. ‘Oh,’ Stella said. ‘Well, that’s good. She deserves a rest.’ She didn’t want to admit it, but the thought gave her a thrill. Alone with Jamie. And he’d need her help even more. It made her job more secure. Not that she’d wish ill on Esmé, of course. Not for a moment.

  ‘But what if she was poisoned?’ Caitlin put a hand on Stella’s arm. ‘It’s not safe there.’

  ‘Oh, come on. It was just an accident. Who would want to poison Esmé?’

  Caitlin looked down. ‘Maybe it was an accident. Maybe they were after Jamie.’

  Stella was alarmed by the sincerity in Caitlin’s voice. There was the sound of a key scraping and then the front door opening.

  ‘Stella’s here!’ Caitlin yelled, sounding urgent. ‘We’re in the kitchen.’

  Stella was momentarily surprised, then realised that Caitlin had been warning him that she had company. Maybe he had a habit of disrobing in the hallway or something.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ Caitlin said urgently, quietly. ‘Please come back here to stay. Or go home. You still have your house.’

  ‘I feel more at home here than I have in years,’ Stella said, tryin
g to reassure Caitlin.

  She shook her head. ‘It’s not safe—’ Caitlin broke off as Rob entered the kitchen.

  ‘Hello, girls,’ Rob said, kissing Caitlin on the top of the head and smiling at Stella. ‘Who fancies the pub?’

  After a good meal in the bar of the hotel and a pint of beer, Stella decided to head home. It was pitch-black and cold and was only going to get worse. ‘Stay for one more,’ Caitlin said, leaning back in her chair and rubbing her stomach. ‘We’ve hardly seen you.’

  ‘Aye,’ Rob said. ‘Or are you too good for us now you’re settled in the big hoose?’

  He was smiling as he spoke, but Stella felt a stab of guilt. Had she been neglecting them? Rob had been keen for her to give them space, but she had been busy. She forced herself to smile back. ‘I was always too good for you, Rob, you know that.’ It was meant to be a joke, the kind of thing they had used to say to each other all the time, but somehow it fell flat. Rob’s expression went dark and Caitlin raised her eyebrows at Stella as if to say, What are you talking about?

  ‘Have you spoken to the polis?’ Rob said abruptly. ‘About Esmé.’

  ‘I answered their questions,’ Stella said.

  ‘Did they ask about the MacDonald girl? Ellie?’

  Stella’s head jerked up. ‘He had nothing to do with that.’

  ‘That’s not what I heard,’ Rob said. His eyes were narrowed. ‘Another “accident” up at the big hoose and they still haven’t arrested him. And you wonder why we don’t trust the polis. One set of rules for the Munros and another for the rest of us.’

  ‘Ellie MacDonald slipped on the rocks. And Esmé must have taken too many multivitamins or eaten too much liver pâté or something. Bad luck.’ Stella could hear panic in her voice and she took a breath.

  ‘It was Munro, I bet. Doing some stupid experiment on his own staff. Nae morals.’

  Stella wanted to laugh at the thought of Esmé taking part in one of Jamie’s ‘hair-brained’ trials, but then she remembered that she was really sick and the urge disappeared.

  ‘Nobody can talk Esmé into doing anything she doesn’t want,’ Stella said. ‘She’s not exactly a pushover.’