Beneath the Water

by Sarah Painter

  ‘I don’t know what to say,’ Jamie said.

  ‘And I was fine with that. I might have known that we weren’t perfectly matched in the bedroom, but we were best friends and he was going to give me what I wanted.’

  ‘What did you want?’

  ‘More clichés, I’m afraid. A home of my own. Children.’ She smiled to show she knew she was pathetic, that she was laughing at herself. ‘I told you I wasn’t very interesting.’

  ‘But why did you need him? You had a job, right? And there’s always—’

  ‘Don’t say “sperm bank”. I didn’t just want a baby, I wanted the whole experience. Two parents. Two children. I wanted to be a mother, but in a certain way. And with a certain person. Ben has brilliant genes. We would have made excellent children together. He is nice-looking and healthy and intelligent.’

  ‘That’s a bit cold,’ Jamie said.

  ‘Why? What’s wrong with being logical about this kind of thing? It’s important enough, surely? I think it’s good sense. And I did love him.’ Stella said the words without thinking but she wasn’t lying. The past tense felt true. ‘I knew what I wanted and I felt as if I didn’t have time to look for something better. I mean, I loved him and he loved me and we were a brilliant team. He was my best friend. Yeah, maybe there was some perfect other person who fancied me as well as all the rest, but what if . . .’ Stella stopped herself from saying ‘what if I died before I met them?’ That was way too dramatic. Jamie was still her employer, as well as her . . . something else, whatever that turned out to be. And he was a perfectionist control-freak employer, at that. He didn’t want to hear about her less-rational side.

  ‘But why settle so young? I mean, if you were knocking on forty or something and your biological clock was getting loud, maybe—’

  ‘I’ve always been very aware of how lucky I am to be alive, that’s all.’

  ‘Yeah, I feel that, too. Doesn’t make me want a marriage of convenience, though.’ Jamie was frowning at her, like he was trying to solve a puzzle. ‘I mean, you’re only twenty-five.’

  ‘Twenty-six. And my parents were told I wouldn’t see eight,’ Stella said. ‘The younger I have children, the more chance I have of seeing them safely into adulthood. I mean, I’ll probably be fine, but I might not be. And I wanted to tip the odds in my favour.’ Stella’s throat had tightened and she looked away.

  ‘I don’t know what to say to that,’ Jamie said.

  ‘Tick tock,’ Stella said. She pushed her plate away, pretty certain she wasn’t going to eat anything else now. The wine was sloshing in her stomach and her eyes felt tight. She wanted to curl up under her duvet and sob. She knew she was out of practice with dating, but this was ridiculous. Tell the man you want babies and marriage. The international playboy who probably doesn’t even believe in monogamy. Good move, Stells.

  ‘I don’t understand,’ Jamie was saying. He actually looked worried. ‘You’re okay, aren’t you? Did Alek find something?’

  ‘I’m fine,’ Stella said, wondering how many times she’d used those words. She summoned a smile. ‘It’s just a feeling I’ve always had, that I don’t have much time.’

  ‘Tick tock,’ Jamie said, understanding on his face. ‘You know, a very wise woman told me something once. “Feelings lie.”’

  Stella was trying to formulate an answer, something which would explain that she understood how to deal with illogical anxiety, but what about worry which was based in fact?

  ‘Do you still feel that way?’

  ‘About what?’

  ‘Kids. Your life.’

  ‘Yes,’ Stella said. ‘But I know I can’t force it to happen. I didn’t think I’d ever say this, but I’m glad that Ben called things off. It would have been a mistake.’

  ‘Well, that sounds healthy. Do you mean it?’

  ‘Almost,’ Stella said. ‘Right now. Might feel differently tomorrow. Or in an hour.’

  Their waitress ran past, calling out before she reached her destination, ‘Stewart! Alarm’s gone!’

  Moments later, Stewart rushed past. Stella reached out to grab his arm. ‘What’s wrong?’

  ‘Lifeboat,’ Stewart said and carried on walking.

  The other diners were craning their necks, and an agitated murmur went around the room.

  The waitress was back, delivering drinks to the next table. Stella turned in her chair. ‘Excuse me? Do you know what’s happened?’

  The girl looked around and, seeing that everyone in the room was listening, raised her voice. ‘Lifeboat call. Fishing boat radioed in an engine problem and then they lost contact. Hopefully it’s just a false alarm.’

  Stella turned back to Jamie.

  ‘How could it be a false alarm?’ Jamie had pushed his plate away, too.

  ‘If the communication is broken, but the boat and crew are fine, I guess.’

  ‘And if it isn’t?’

  ‘Then the lifeboat crew will do their job.’

  ‘I didn’t know Stewart did that,’ Jamie said.

  ‘And Doug,’ Stella said. ‘It’s all volunteers from the area. They train and everything and then, when the alarm goes, they go out and risk their lives to save whoever is in trouble. It’s properly heroic.’

  Jamie asked the waitress for the bill. He went over to Stewart’s table, where Rebecca was poking morosely at a salad. ‘I’m sorry your evening has been ruined,’ he said, gesturing to the empty place opposite and Stewart’s barely touched food. ‘May I get your bill? As a thank you to Stewart for the service he provides the community?’

  Rebecca looked up at Jamie and smiled. ‘Thanks. That’s really nice of you.’

  The waitress was back, with a sheet of tinfoil and a plastic tub. ‘I’ll get this parcelled up for Stewart for later. For when he gets back.’ She laid a hand lightly on Rebecca’s shoulder and then got busy wrapping.

  Jamie came back to the table and sat down. ‘How long are they usually out?’

  Stella shrugged. ‘I don’t know.’ She was trying not to think about Stewart clinging to the handrail on the boat as it bounced across the waves. Worse yet was the thought of somebody in the water, feeling the freezing pull as they hoped rescue came in time.

  ‘Is there anything we can do?’ Jamie said. ‘Anything we’re supposed to do?’

  ‘I don’t know,’ Stella said. They went through to the bar and Stella saw Doug, looking unusually serious.

  ‘Did you hear?’ he said, putting his pint down and wiping his mouth.

  ‘Stewart just left,’ Stella said. ‘I wonder how long he’ll be.’

  ‘I’m not on call,’ Doug said, indicating his pint. ‘I should be out there but I’m not on call so I’ve had a few and I can’t go.’

  ‘You are allowed to be off-duty, Doug,’ Stella said gently.

  ‘Aye, but even when Stew isn’t on call, he’s safe to go out, like.’

  ‘Stewart doesn’t drink,’ Stella said to Jamie.

  Doug nodded. ‘If I was the same, I could be out there. I should be with the crew.’

  ‘And you will be the next time the alarm goes and you’re on call,’ Jamie said.

  Doug’s eyes narrowed. ‘What would you know about it?’

  ‘Hey,’ Stella said. ‘Don’t be—’

  ‘Nothing,’ Jamie said, staring right back at Doug.

  Doug nodded as if satisfied and took a long pull of his pint.

  ‘I hope it’s a false alarm,’ Stella said. ‘Maybe they’ll all be back soon.’

  ‘It was just offshore. Alarm from a small fishing vessel near the rocks. Shouldn’t be too long.’ Doug crossed himself and reached over and rapped on the wooden table with his knuckles. ‘Touch wood.’

  ‘Shall we wait here? Or will Stewart go home?’

  Doug’s eyes widened a little as he looked at Stella. After a moment, he said, ‘There’s a call list. For when the boys get home. I can add you if you like.’

  ‘Yes, please,’ Stella said. She turned to Jamie. ‘I can give my mobile,
if you prefer, but the reception isn’t very good.’

  ‘No, landline is fine,’ Jamie said, and he reeled off the number as Doug wrote it down.

  Stella put her hand on Doug’s arm but then realised she didn’t know what to say. She smiled weakly and Doug nodded. He patted her hand. ‘Stewart will be all right. He’s been out on the boat loads of times.’

  ‘I’m sorry about tonight,’ Jamie said as they walked to the car.

  ‘It’s hardly your fault,’ Stella said, thinking about the lifeboat out on the black water.

  ‘I was really tense,’ Jamie said. ‘Kept thinking I was going to panic. And I wasn’t showing my best side, which is annoying.’

  Stella looked at him, and saw that he was watching her intently. ‘Why?’

  ‘Because I really want to show you my best side.’

  Stella reached out and squeezed his hand. ‘Apology accepted.’

  He unlocked the car and held the passenger door open for Stella. The rain had eased, but the wind was bitterly cold and so strong that she felt it could lift her off her feet at any moment. She ducked gratefully into the car.

  Jamie paused before starting the engine, staring out of the windscreen for a moment. ‘I wonder who went out when my dad’s boat got into trouble. Do you think the lifeboat tried to save them?’

  ‘Most likely,’ Stella said. ‘Unless the alarm wasn’t sounded for some reason. Do you want to know?’

  ‘Yes,’ Jamie said. ‘I really do.’

  ‘I can look into it. I bet the lifeboat folk keep a log. The crew who went out might even still be around.’

  Back at the house, lights were blazing from several windows and Stella felt Jamie tense next to her. He went ahead, calling out: ‘Esmé?’

  Tabitha and Angus came rushing out, their frantic barking combining with the roaring wind.

  Stella got the dogs inside and shut the door.

  ‘Hello, children,’ Nathan said, appearing from the kitchen with a sandwich in one hand and a glass of single malt in the other. ‘I was wondering when you’d be back, I’ve been so bored.’ His shrewd eyes were fixed on Jamie, but then he looked very deliberately at Stella. ‘Working late, aren’t we?’

  ‘Not working,’ Jamie said. ‘How was Glasgow?’

  Nathan made a see-saw motion with one hand. ‘Up and down.’

  ‘I bet,’ Jamie said. He turned to Stella. ‘Do you want anything to drink?’

  ‘No, thanks,’ Stella said. ‘I’ll leave you to catch up.’

  She hadn’t taken more than two steps before she felt Jamie’s arm around her waist. ‘Hang on.’

  Nathan smirked and Stella wanted to throw something at him.

  ‘I’ll see you tomorrow, yeah?’ Jamie said. ‘Stella and I are on a date.’

  ‘I think the mood might be somewhat broken,’ Stella said.

  ‘You’re not going to sleep now, though, right?’ Jamie said. ‘Let’s stay up together until we get the call.’

  ‘The call?’ Nathan said, looking interested.

  ‘Lifeboat went out,’ Jamie said. ‘We’re waiting to hear that it’s back safely.’

  Stella liked the ‘we’ in that sentence. It was nice to be a ‘we’ again, if only for one night. She went into the kitchen and put the kettle on for tea and Jamie followed, getting mugs from the cupboard and milk from the fridge. ‘Will we hear the phone?’

  ‘Definitely,’ Jamie said. ‘But I’ve a spare phone that I can plug in upstairs. There’s a socket in my bedroom.’

  Stella carried two mugs of tea upstairs and she and Jamie sat on top of the duvet on his bed, pillows piled against the headboard, and played cards to pass the time. They didn’t talk about the lifeboat and Stella was glad. She felt like she was in suspended animation, just waiting to hear that Stewart and the rest were back safely.

  After a couple of hands of rummy, Jamie said, ‘I’ve been thinking about Ben.’

  ‘You’ve been thinking about my ex-fiancé?’

  ‘Yes.’ Jamie put his cards down and took her hand. ‘I’m sorry if I upset you.’

  ‘You didn’t,’ Stella said.

  ‘But just because you two weren’t compatible, doesn’t mean you’re not going to have that. Have it all. I mean, look at us. Definite chemistry there.’

  Stella smiled to soften her words. ‘Bit of the opposite issue there, though. I don’t suppose you’re looking for marriage and babies.’

  He frowned. ‘That’s a bit—’

  ‘It’s none of my business,’ Stella said quickly. ‘I just don’t think it’s as easy as you think to find the perfect relationship.’

  ‘I don’t think it’s easy. I just think that it is going to happen for you, that you don’t need to worry.’

  Stella wanted to ask why, on what evidence, but she knew he was just being nice.

  ‘There’s something that I ought to tell you, though.’

  Stella forced herself to look at him. He was going to say that last night had been a mistake. That he liked her but not in that way. That they should just be friends.

  ‘I don’t usually have exclusive relationships. I mean, this one is exclusive at the moment, but—’

  ‘You are barely leaving the house,’ Stella finished.

  ‘Yes. I believe in being honest and I don’t want you to have any illusions about me and relationships. I don’t believe in monogamy,’ Jamie said, not meeting her eye.

  ‘You don’t think it exists?’ Stella kept her voice neutral. This was exactly what she deserved for telling the man that she wanted marriage and babies. She ought to be grateful he was still speaking to her.

  ‘For some people, I guess,’ Jamie was saying. ‘Just not for me. And not for most people if they were really honest.’ He picked up his wine glass and took a fortifying sip. ‘Marriage is a social construct. Historically it had to do with the transfer or acquisition of assets, the control of power. Now it’s still useful to cement family units for child-rearing and asset-sharing. I mean, lots of my friends in the Bay couldn’t make their rent on their own so it’s a flatmate or a partner, and a partner is often preferable.’

  Stella kept quiet, thinking about the mortgage back in London.

  ‘So I think people make a compromise. They choose security or power or money or comfort, whatever, and are willing to trade their sexual and romantic freedom for those things.’

  ‘What about love?’

  ‘Ah, well. I think love fades. I’ve been in love dozens of times but it never lasts. Soon there are doubts and annoyances and I can’t help thinking about what I’m missing out on and wondering if that girl or that girl would be a better match.’

  ‘You haven’t been in love,’ Stella said decisively.

  Jamie smiled. ‘You have no idea how many women have said that to me. I don’t agree. I just think I’m too rational to fall for the promise of an all-conquering emotion. Emotions are fickle. They change. They can be changed by a good meal or a long fast or a good fuck.’

  ‘Surface feelings change,’ Stella said, ignoring the blush she could feel in her cheeks. ‘There are deeper ones. Ones which aren’t so easily moved.’

  He shrugged. ‘I don’t agree.’

  ‘You’re just like a child,’ Stella said.

  Jamie raised his eyebrows. ‘How so?’

  ‘Monogamy is for grown-ups. It’s for truly rational people who understand that you cannot have a deep and meaningful bond with another human without it.’

  ‘With respect, that’s a little naive. There are successful polygamous relationships. Some good friends of mine have been together for two years, and there are three in the relationship.’

  ‘Well, maybe, but I think that is the exception rather than the rule for a good reason. A monogamous partnership is about trust and about being a team. I want to be on a team where two people back each other every time. The rules of that team can be individually tailored to suit the people involved, but there have to be rules and the team has to be special. Nobody else allowed.’<
br />
  ‘Well, that does sound nice. In theory—’

  Stella cut across him. ‘Do you know what I think when you say that you don’t believe in monogamy? I think you are a greedy person with no self-control who has the childish belief that you can play with all the toys in the shop at once, but are also continually dissatisfied that you can physically only hold two at any time. I think you are always looking over to the next shelf, the next aisle, wondering what you are missing out on, and so a polygamous relationship or playing the field or whatever is going to suit you the best. It doesn’t mean that you aren’t flawed. Or that you aren’t missing out on a truly profound, loving relationship.’

  ‘You could be right,’ Jamie said. He wasn’t smiling any longer. ‘I do wonder whether I’m missing out.’ He looked physically pained and Stella realised that he truly meant it. The idea of missing out on a good experience or, worse still, the ultimate experience, was horrifying to him.

  ‘It must be exhausting being you,’ Stella said, with feeling.

  ‘It really is,’ Jamie said, but then he broke into a grin.

  Stella was about to ask him how he could be so cheerful when the phone rang. Stella dived across the bed to pick it up and a female voice she didn’t recognise said, ‘Crew is back safely, no problems.’

  ‘Oh, that’s wonderful,’ Stella said, feeling the tension rush from her body. ‘Thank you for letting us know.’

  After relaying the news to Jamie and sharing a relieved smile, Stella got up from the bed to go to her own room.

  ‘Wait. You’re leaving?’

  ‘I thought you just gave me the break-up speech,’ Stella said, keeping her voice light.

  ‘No,’ Jamie said, frowning. ‘I gave you the honesty speech. So that we can start things out right.’

  Stella knew there was no point starting anything at all with a man who didn’t believe in love or monogamy. He couldn’t give her any of the things she wanted. Then again, she had chosen Ben for exactly that reason, and look how that had turned out.