by Ostrow, Lexi
Standing in the center of her small apartment, she had no choice but to allow herself to drown in a fog of confusion. Misunderstanding coiled around her body, winding a path from her ankles to her chest. The squeeze of pain was as tangible as anything she’d ever felt, even though it lurked only in her mind.
“What did I do wrong?” It took everything she had not to sink to her knees where she stood. Images from the night bombarded her, forcing her to not only rethink, but over think every single interaction since he’d come in.
Gabe had been the one to bring her roses, beautiful white roses that taunted her as she turned to see them on the kitchen counter. He brought up the idea to decorate her measly little tree, and she was annoyed at how comfortable doing so with him had felt. He was the one who’d prompted her to talk about her past. She’d spoken to him differently than any other person, opened up her darkest secrets to him.
“And you were the one that kissed him.” Her lip quivered, forcing her to bite down if she were to avoid crying. “He listened to you ramble on about your terrible childhood, and then you jumped him. It’s no wonder he left. You have more baggage than a freaking baggage claim.”
She struggled with every step. Ankle weights may as well have been strapped to her, working against her efforts to walk toward the bed. The strain nearly took her breath away. Dropping onto the bed without hitting her head stole all the energy she had left.
She’d messed something up simply by being herself. Suddenly, it was about so much more than Gabe running out. Without meaning to, she’d given him a powerful role. He’d been her rock. She’d struggled against that happening at every moment, and somehow it had still happened.
“And you’ve only realized it because he just walked out and you feel alone.”
She’d been alone her whole life. She’d spent a month knowing Gabe, and it had been enough for her to wonder what a future would have looked like. Something about him, not just his looks, had captured her attention the second she’d seen him on the stupid T. His smile held a beacon of light, and when he’d turned it on her, it was as if she were enveloped in warmth of some sort. His laughter, even his teasing, made her smile. They way he’d looked at her as if he didn’t even believe she had cancer gave her strength. In one month she’d lost her independence to cancer and had allowed herself to confide in another human being because of that cancer.
“So you’re on your own now. You are still going to fight to grow old. There will just be someone else in the vision you see for yourself. Gabe was the vessel; the vision. He isn’t the only one.”
There was no turning back. Crumbling because a guy left was not in the cards. Cancer had stolen enough from her, it wasn’t taking her personality too, and pre-cancer Cassandra would never let a man steal her happiness away.
“You just let him give you some light when you needed to be pulled from the dark. He did a wonderful thing for you.” The tears finally came, silent and racing down her cheeks in a steady stream. “Remember him. Use the happiness to pull yourself up anytime you’re down. Someone else will make you feel the same way, you just need to make sure you live long enough to meet them—and love them.”
The words were brave and full of strength, her heart even had enough conviction to believe she meant them. Hanging all her hopes and dreams on any one person was foolish. She had always known that.
“So have a good cry and then get back to business.” Saying the words left a bitter taste in her mouth and a hollow feeling in her gut, but there were needed words.
Lifting the blanket, she crawled under the covers and tried to ignore the wetness of tears as they crashed onto her pillowcase. Life had been a cruel bitch the past month, and she was done letting it get the best of her. Someone was knocking on the door, but she didn’t care. Tonight was about accepting Gabe wasn’t the perfect guy she thought was and picking up the broken pieces of her heart.
A text chimed loudly, but her phone was across the room on the couch. She wasn’t getting up. Cassandra had made herself a nice little cocoon to cry it out, and she was staying there. Whoever it was could wait.
Nothing about what happened made sense. Not the way Gabe had pressed to learn her past, and certainly not the way he’d jumped out of his damn skin rushing to leave after she kissed him. They’d kissed before. In fact, it was all the stolen kisses that had made her feel like she could open up to him. He made her want things; normal girly things. He was the reason she’d realized fighting cancer had to be for her, not anyone else.
“So he gave you goals and hope. Don’t belittle that because your feelings are shattered and sprinkled on the damn floor.”
She wanted to grow old, to have a family and to really live outside of her job thanks to him. Nothing, not even this odd sensation of heartbreak for a man she hardly knew, was going to destroy her happily ever after because her happily ever after was her.
Gabe’s heart pounded rapidly in his chest as if it were trying to break free from his rib cage. He’d run, not because of anything Cassandra had said or done in the past hour, but because of what he saw in his mind.
Her kiss had sealed his fate.
Angel visions were not something one could see, but rather an awakening of emotion. Much like what stripping himself of his divinity to be a human had done. Only in the case of a vision, an angel found themselves frozen in time until it played out.
He was in love with Cassandra Marks.
All that was left to do was say the words out loud and doom himself to fall once he reclaimed his angelhood. Humanity was the only reason he had not suffered the debilitating pain of his wings torn from his body. Everything Gabe had been was gone in the single instant their lips had touched.
Cassandra had opened her soul up to him, and his had accepted her trust. Accepted her pain.
“She’s worth it, you dumb ass.” His head cracked against the hallway wall a few feet from her door. He’d raced out because the weight of falling scared it. It scared all angels. Taking a few moments to breath proved to him there was nothing wrong with falling if it meant a life with her. Even knowing it would take her longer to fall in love with him, he was ready for the wait.
All that had mattered was so long was saving humans. Losing his battle wings had stripped him of the only identity he’d ever known. A warrior. For three months he’d learned to accept the need for a Guardian Angel, but he had still not wanted to be. Saving lives on the battlefield - stopping the demons that manifested from sins from taking over the world—it was more fulfilling than watching one human.
Until he’d met her.
Yes, he had been concerned when her aura had shifted as the cancer had begun to grow. Yet, Gabe hadn’t understood the enormity of protecting a human as important as Cassandra until he chose to become human. All of eight seconds in her presence and he’d been ready to ditch the thought of getting his battle wings back if it meant he could guard her for the rest of her life.
“Now you’re ready to give up your guardian wings up to be with her.” He mused at the thought, not even slightly distressed since the initial shock of his feelings had worn off. Angels processed quickly—it was necessary to act in stressful situations.
Drawing a deep breath, he closed his eyes and focused on his golden wings. They glimmered in his mind, every bit as glorious as he remembered them. Their sparkled was unrivaled, but they had not brought him the happiness he thought. The wings shifted, the stunning gold melting away to solid white. Exhaling, his wings faded into nothingness, leaving a picture of him in his mind nothing more the man he was at the moment.
Humanity had been overwhelming, to say the least, but if he could save Cassandra and live out a human life with her, there was nothing more he wanted.
Turning, he was back at her door, knocking as gently as he could force himself to when all he wanted to do was jerk it off the hinges and kiss her until his apology was clear.
“Cassandra?” Knocked again.
His knuckles went white as he squeeze
d his hand into a fist. Do not rip the damn door down. She’ll think you’re a freak or a threat.
Once more, he knocked. Again, she didn’t come to the door.
“Fine. She needs time, I get that. I’ll deal with my fate and then fix ours.”
Shuffling down the stairs, he didn’t bother to wait for the front door to the brownstone to close behind him. He felt the chill of a winter’s night instantly but didn’t care.
“Carlyle!”
A woman across the street cocked her head at him, but nothing else happened. His mentor didn’t appear.
“Carlyle, I know you have to come any fucking time I need you. So get visible.”
With a sigh, Carlyle appeared, striped pajama pants on and hair a tousled mess. “Some of us sleep at night. My chair is in England, I don’t get to party all night simply because you’re down here in America.”
The snarked sentiment was the closest to pissed off Gabe had ever heard the other angel, and he smirked. “Good to know you can be riled.”
“I might not be a Battle Angel, but it’s not as if I’m a fucking saint either.” A yawn escaped him, and he put his hand on Gabe’s shoulder. “Better disguise you unless you’d like someone calling the cops.”
Gabe felt nothing as the angelic cover of magic removed him from human eyes so he could speak to Carlyle. “I need to ask you something.”
“I figured. Or I’d hoped. If you’d called me down here to simply tell me something useless, I might have had reason to remind you all angels are battle trained to some extent.” Another yawn and the man’s eyes closed. When they opened, the blue was more vivid, and he appeared to be fully awake. “What?”
“If I want to save Cassandra’s life, can I do that if I’ve fallen?”
“Excuse me?” No anger, no shock. Just a deadpan tone.
“To save Cassandra, I need to present to the Council of Angels. Can I do that if I’ve fallen?”
“I can see your wings on this plane, you’ve not fallen.”
Grinding his teeth together, Gabe fought off the similar wave of irritation he was used to having in his mentor’s presence. “Not my question.”
“You’re telling me you’re going to fall? Purposefully?” Carlyle pulled his lips back in a grimace. “Killing someone won’t trade their body for Cassandra. I don’t know where you heard that.”
“What? Fuck, that is not what I had in mind.”
“You work as a guardian for a couple millennia, trust me, you’ll hear it come up.” His face shifted into a mask of concern, a darkness filling is usually bright eyes. “What is going on?”
“I think . . . no I know . . . I love her.”
An exasperated sigh passed from his mentor. “It is not love. I assure you, we all feel an undeniable tug. In fact, I’ve told you this before.”
“Yes, and I felt it as an angel. What I’m telling you is I feel it as a human. When I touch her, nothing else in the world matters. All I want to do is keep touching her and make certain no harm comes to her. I love her laugh, and the serious way she handles everything—odd since it almost reminds me of my father. I like knowing that when she smiles in my presence, I’m the one that put it there.”
“That is all perfectly natural and a symptom of being human with human emotions.”
Growling, he narrowly resisted the urge to throw his arms up. “You are impossible. I had a vision. I love her. I’m in love with her. I’m not leaving her side once I save her. Not to go back to an invisible life.”
The darkness in Carlyle’s eyes altered from apprehension to anger as the corners of his eyes narrowed inward. “If you insist on this, then no. If you fall, you cannot make your case to the council.”
The words hit him like a heavy sack of stones. To fall he would have to reveal himself to Cassandra or sleep with her. Killing an innocent was not an option, and entirely not necessary. He knew she would feel the same, in time.
“But she doesn’t have time.”
“No one said anything about time.”
“I have to plead my case. I have to tell them the reason she cannot die. I know the answer, my father even hinted I was correct when he warned me not to leave until she was strong enough to handle my departure.”
“So fucking ridiculous.” Carlyle’s eyes glowed with heavenly fire. “You are a fucking joke. Your father has done absolutely everything for you from the moment you were born. He had you placed as a warrior, he saved you from losing your wings by pleading your upbringing and loyalty.”
Gabe sucked in a breath of air and Carlyle snorted.
“You didn’t know? You just thought they magically didn’t take your wings because your daddy said no? Gabriel pleaded to the council, and I was brought in to agree to help you transition if you kept your wings.” He snarled. “I’d heard of you in battle. That kind of dedication would have been excellent as a Guardian Angel. Seems I was wrong, only the weak mistake duty for love.”
Gabe’s furious snarl was the only warning before he wrapped his hands around Carlyle’s neck. Slamming him into the wall of the building, Gabe drove a punch to his face. He landed two more before Carlyle struck back with his knee into Gabe’s gut.
What once would have done very little, sent him flying backward into the snow. Instinct helped him keep his head from cracking onto the ground. The same instinct howled at him to get up, but he couldn’t move.
“Your back is broken. You landed on the edge of the sidewalk with enough force to shatter bone.” Carlyle closed his eyes and was silent for a moment. “Your third and seventh vertebra.” Tsking, he leaned down over Gabe. “I’m only healing you because I understand you attacked me because I pushed you.” He laid his hands over Gabe, letting a white light glow come from them. Then, he extended his hand and pulled Gabe up. “I am not proud of my actions, but my temper can flare now and again.”
As Gabe stood he realized what giving up his wings would mean. He’d lose the strength he’d had at his disposal for a lifetime. I can still protect her from anything and everything that is human.
Anger still coursed through his veins and he knew it was the only reason he’d felt no pain from the injury. “I’m not going to apologize.”
“No,” Carlyle scoffed and crossed his arms over his chest. “I wouldn’t expect it of you. It’s out of character.”
“I would appreciate it if you stopped attacking me.”
“I’m surprised to see you having so much trouble containing your emotions—though I’ve never been human myself to understand it.” Carlyle’s wings popped from his back, knocking Gabe back a step but not to the ground. “If you are intent on falling, save it for after you meet with the council, and before you ask, you cannot simply summon them like you tried to. I will submit a formal request, and when they have an opening, you can come beg.”
He was about to retort that he would not beg, but he absolutely would if it would save Cassandra’s life. Before humanity had brought love into the equation, he would not have, but now, there was nothing he wouldn’t do.
“Thanks for the tip.” He turned, leaving to go and knock on her door until Cassandra opened it and let him apologize for his behavior.
He heard Carlyle shoot into the sky, but he had no reason to look back. There was only moving forward now. He would be ready when the time came to defend Cassandra, and after, he would do whatever it took to be the man she needed him to be.
Eighteen
“Please open your door?” Gabe’s voice held just enough remorse the second time he spoke the words.
Cassandra pressed her face against the door. He’d knocked twice, and she’d been standing there the entire time. She was impressed Gabe had shown up. When she woke, she’d seen the three missed calls and one text. Then, within an hour, he’d called again.
She’d assumed that was the end of it until a minute ago when he knocked on the door.
“There is literally no reason to the do that.” The words caught in her throat as she waged an internal war with her d
esire to hear him out, and the drive to push him out.
“I’m sorry. Let me explain, please.” The subtle thump on the door was likely his head crashing down against it in defeat.
What if there is a perfectly good reason? He’s terribly persistent for a man who isn’t interested.
“Why?” Clearing her throat, she ignored the tiny lump of hurt. “Why would I do that?”
“Because up until that one moment I’ve been the perfect gentleman. My intentions have always been clear, and you have to realize my flighty escape was not meant to be at your expense.”
All good and logical points.
“Perhaps being with me, in a private setting, proved to be too much. The cancer finally struck home.”
“No. Damn it.” He growled. “That wasn’t what it was about. I panicked because of what kissing you—Cass, please don’t make me do this in the hall.”
Pressing her hands against her mouth, she bit back a chuckle. The idea of Gabe out there, potentially on his knees, begging her to open the door was more amusing than she’d admit to him. It was either incredibly romantic or ridiculously pathetic.
Her hand was on the knob, turning it before she realized she was even touching it. The door swung open to reveal Gabe wasn’t on his knees, but he was practically collapsed against the doorframe with his head resting on it.
“I would prefer you didn’t create a scene in the hall.” It was almost painful to keep from smiling at the lengths he was obviously willing to go to. It was entirely possible she’d be wrong about him. “Come in and you better have a damn good excuse.”
He stepped past her, his head dipping down as if he were going to try to kiss her, but didn’t. He walked to the small sofa but didn’t sit, so she closed the door, took a calming breath and moved toward him.
“You’ve got about a minute.”
He took her hands in his, and the small gesture was as calming as ever as if his touch could control her emotional state.
