Broken

by Man, Alina

  “Are you lost?” he jokes. In that instant I can’t find anything intelligent to say, so I simply stare at him, my eyes locked on his lips. Get a hold of yourself, you crazy woman. “Would you like to come in?” He moves to the side to make room for me and I surprise myself by walking in. I hear the door closing behind me, but I am focused on the little smiling girl running toward me. A hand is placed on my back making me jump. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you. Let’s go into the kitchen. I was just about to grab some coffee.” Lily grabs his hand; her eyes are glued on me, and walks ahead of me. I can’t do anything but follow. There are toys everywhere, and I try not to step on any of them. The kitchen mirrors mine but the similarities end with the layout. There is a highchair next to a large table, and more Lily-related items have taken over the countertops. The toy trail follows us even here. David helps Lily into her highchair and pushes it next to the table then sets a bowl of cereal and milk in front of her.

  “She’ll be busy for a while.” There goes that smile again. What was I thinking coming here in the first place?

  Chapter 4

  David

  I watch her from the corner of my eye. I can tell she’s questioning her sanity for coming here. She looks scared and small, and I feel the need to beat the shit out of whoever did this to her. I know someone hurt her badly and pray that she will one day trust me enough to talk to me about it.

  I don’t know what it is about this woman that peaks my interest. It’s been almost two years since Becky passed away and over those two years not once did I feel the need, or attraction, toward another woman. Lily has taken over every single moment of my life and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

  Yet here I am, feeling like a horny teenager every time Jen is around. I could probably tell you the clothes she wore the day she moved into our neighborhood. Not that I’m a stalker or anything, but shit, the girl is beautiful without trying. Her big blue eyes are framed by thick dark lashes and those red lips of hers have the power to drive a man insane. My hand itches to touch her long hair, wrap it around my wrist, then pull her close and ravish every inch of her body. I want to know every curve, like a sculptor knows his carving. I shake my head trying to erase the images before I embarrass myself and do something stupid.

  I pour us both some coffee and wonder if she’ll eventually relax around me. I know what it’s like to feel hurt, hell I was like that when Becky died. If it wasn’t for Lily, I probably would’ve killed myself; especially the first couple of months.

  But then I had to face the music, or better yet, the reality. I was either going to have to get my shit together or someone else was going to raise my little girl. That was enough to sober me up.

  “How do you take your coffee?” Jen is watching Lily, the pain visible all over her face and that’s when it hits me. She probably lost a child. That must be it. “Jen?”

  “I’m sorry, what?”

  “The coffee. How do you take it?”

  “A little cream if you have any.” I open the fridge and take the small container out and put it on the table in front of her. She eventually takes a seat, her body rigid, and pours the cream into her cup.

  “How’s your morning so far?” I know it’s a stupid question but I’m afraid of saying the wrong thing.

  “Fine, thank you.” She’s very calm and mellow, so different than the last time I saw her. I try my hardest not to stare but I can’t help it. She’s seems unaware of my presence as her eyes are focused on Lily. I can tell she feels out of place. Her right hand plays with something attached to the chain around her neck but I can’t really tell what it is. It must be her security blanket; what keeps her together when she feels uncomfortable, the way she feels this very moment.

  “Do you like it?” I sound like an idiot, but I can’t think of anything else to say that’s going to get her out of whatever trance she’s in.

  “Like what?” Her words are chopped and void of any emotion, her eyes empty and unfocused.

  “The coffee. Do you like it? My wife used to hate my coffee. I do make a mean breakfast though. Maybe I can make it for you sometime?” Her eyes grow bigger and she looks like she’s concentrating really hard on what to say next.

  “Look, I stopped by to say I’m sorry for what I said last time you were at my house.” She takes another look at Lily before jumping out of her chair and moving toward the door. “I have to go. Thank you for the coffee.”

  “Wait, Jen-”

  “I have to go.”

  I look at the empty hallway wondering what I did or said that made her leave.

  Jen

  Shit, what were you thinking? Did you think that one dose of medication is going to make it all better? How could you be such an idiot? I’m talking to myself as I hurry toward my house, trying to come up with some answers. I shouldn’t have gone to him. And that little girl… oh God, that sweet girl could easily open my heart with just one touch. The innocent smile, the twinkle in her eyes, the way she watches everyone, full of curiosity.

  Once home, I lock myself inside my office and pound away on the keyboard, where I’m transported in foreign worlds full of control and power. I’m in charge once again.

  I spend day after day locked in my room, writing, sleeping, and forcing myself to eat whenever my body is ready to shut down. I haven’t heard from David, and I tell myself it’s for the best. I don’t belong in his world just as he doesn’t belong in mine.

  Today is my visit with Dr. Collins and I take extra time getting ready. I may be able to fool others, but Dr. Collins knows her shit. She’s like a hawk, and in this case I’m the prey. I straighten my hair and even add a little mascara and lip gloss. I dress in a long wool skirt, the color matching the fallen autumn leaves, and pair it with a thick cashmere sweater. I slide the zipper up on my leather boots and I’m ready. Although I usually walk to her office, the weather is getting colder so today I choose to drive.

  I drive past David’s home and hope to get a glimpse of him and Lily, but no such luck. Bach keeps me company on my short drive. I park the car in the underground garage, and as I walk towards her office, I start preparing myself mentally and emotionally for what I know is about to come.

  The waiting area is empty; even the receptionist is probably out to lunch. My instincts tell me that I’m one of her longest patients and probably the safest, that’s why she schedules my visits around lunch time. I knock on her door and she buzzes me in. She’s smiling and extents her hand for me to take. The whole thing is so déjà vu but I remind myself that mockery will not get me on Dr. Collins’ good side.

  “Hello Jennifer. And how are you today?”

  “I’m wonderful, Dr. Collins.”

  “Please take a seat. You look very lovely dear.” She eyes me carefully, from head to toe, while making notes on her pad. “So what is new with you?”

  And so it starts; the same boring shit that I’ve had to deal with for almost a year. We both know that she’s read my file at least a dozen times. She knows every detail of my life, inside and out. Yet, every week – make that twice a week – there she stands with her stupid notepad on her lap, watching me with that stupid smile plastered on her botoxed face and I’m forced to go along with it.

  “Well lots actually,” I answer sweetly. “I finished two novels and so far I’ve gotten some amazing reviews. I started my Christmas shopping, and I got invited to another block party. It’s a week before Christmas.”

  “That is great.” She continues to make notes, glancing at me from time to time as if to assure herself I’m still there. “And you still take your meds?”

  “Every day, twice a day.” Very good Jen, you get an extra point for that.

  “When was your last dream?” I can no longer smile, not even fake it, as the good Dr. Collins is waiting for my answer.

  “You mean the nightmare.”

  “Labeling it will not make it go away, Jennifer. In order for you to be able to have a normal life again, you will have to face your fear
s. And in this case, facing your fears means talking about it.”

  My mouth feels dry and sandy, and I can feel the anxiety wrapping my body in a tight hold. I nervously play with the rings around my chain and pray she doesn’t notice. Who am I kidding?

  “Jennifer? Look at me. Tell me about the dream.” The question just turned into a command.

  I take a deep breath and force the answer out. “Two nights ago.” I don’t tell her that I stayed up last night just to avoid dreaming.

  “Was it the same as the one before?”

  “Yes. Only longer.”

  “What do you mean by longer?” I move the rings from side to side, praying for strength. The last thing I want or need is to lose control in Dr. Collins’s office. There’s no way I’m going back to the hospital. That thought alone helps me keep going.

  “I saw myself in the hospital. I saw my face in the mirror, saw what I looked like after.”

  “Do you want to tell me about it?” Her voice is soothing, and I relax against the pillow on the big red sofa.

  “I’m bruised and hurt everywhere. There are blood stains on my ripped shirt and I can’t find my skirt. I don’t know if the blood is mine or Sam’s.” I choke on his name and feel the pain shooting through my veins. Why is she making me do this? How can anyone be so cruel?

  “Are you alone?”

  “Yes. They left me there. They don’t know I’m still alive. My eyes are hurting and I can tell they are swollen shut.” I cover my face with my hands pushing down the vile taste in my mouth. The memory is so vivid, playing faster and faster in the back of my head, no longer locked in the dark box. I can hear the door being shut, and I know the four men are now gone. It’s just me and Sam. He’s lying on his side facing me and there’s blood everywhere. His leg looks funny, like it’s broken, his eyes are vacant. I try to push myself up from the bed but can’t feel my legs. I pray that it’s all a bad dream but I know better.

  I call his name, my voice only a whisper and I choke on my own blood. He’s not answering, he’s not blinking, he’s not moving.

  There is a loud knock on our door and I hear lots of voices. “Mrs. Harmon, can you hear me? I’m Jonah, from next door. Can you hear me?” Someone is crying and there are others talking in shushed voices. “Mrs. Harmon, we called 911; they should be here soon. I need you to stay awake. Can you hear me?”And then there’s silence.

  “Jennifer?” I open my eyes and look around. I’m back in Dr. Collins’ office. How did I get here?

  “I’m sorry, what?” I feel so disoriented, like I just had an out of body experience. Did I pass out? Dr. Collins closes her notebook and clicks off her pen. This tells me we’re just about done here.

  “Where did you go just now?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Look, we’ve known each other for a long time and you are more than just a case to me. I want to help you, but I can’t do that unless you let me. What just happened? You remembered something, something very painful. Can you share with me?”

  “I think you know the answer to that. Me opening up about it is not going to make a difference. It’s all there, in my files.”

  “Very well then. As I’ve mentioned last time, I believe you are making progress. Please continue to venture out on your own, make some new friends, go to a movie. Just surrounded yourself with people. As long as you keep taking steps forward, you will get better and better each day.”

  “Thank you.”

  “I believe our time is up. Please continue to take your meds. I’ve already sent another refill to your pharmacy.” We shake hands and I’m counting the seconds until I can free myself from her office. The moment the elevator door opens in the lobby, I make a mad run for the parking lot. I finally release the breath I’ve been holding. The sound of my heels is deafening in my ears, like a drum playing louder and louder. Just as my car comes into focus, I lose my footing and before I can find my balance, I’m flat on my face. I scrape my knees and palms as I try to control my fall. Great, just what I needed. I look around to make sure there’s no one else looking, and then force myself up. There’s an ugly tear in my stocking and I can see little driblets of blood already running down my leg. Seriously? Bring it on. I’ve already been to hell and back.

  Chapter 5

  As I drive myself home, the cut in my leg is starting to sting but I’m too emotionally exhausted to cry about it. My house comes into view and a loud curse escapes my lips. Right there, smack in the middle of my driveway, my mom is chatting up with David. The little girl is somehow taking part in their exchange, obviously comfortable with my mom. They both turn around and look my way, and I know it’s too late to turn the car around. Busted!!!

  I open the garage door and slide the car inside, hoping that will give David some sort of hint that he’s not welcome to stay. Yeah right, like that would happen. My unwelcomed visitors follow the car inside the garage, waiting for me to turn the engine off and join them. My battered leg is the first one to escape the comforts of the car and in an instant David is at my side.

  “What happened to you?” he asks worried.

  “She has a booboo Daddy.”

  “Oh nothing, I thought my outfit was lacking some shades of red and decided the easiest way to get it would be to slice open my knee.”

  He raises one brow and looks me straight in the eye, his arms still tight around me. So far my mom is happy to play the spectator.

  “Did you master the art of sarcasm all by yourself or did you take lessons? Come on; let’s get this cleaned up before you end up with an infection. Unless you think the outfit would look better without one leg.” The urge to smack him above his head is too strong to resist, but just as I raise my hand, my mom decides to intervene.

  “Hi honey. I thought I’d surprise you with a visit but forgot about your appointment. David was nice enough to keep me company. Wasn’t that nice of him?”

  “Yeah, super.” My answer makes him chuckle and the smacking urge returns. I’m not a violent person, but somehow his very presence drives me to the edge. Lily keeps talking, non-stop about my so-called booboo, all the while trying to get me to hold her hand.

  “Oh look, she likes you honey.” Yes mom, she does and I’m this evil person who tries to stay away from all humanity, yet failing miserably because of you and your newfound friends. I can feel David watching me, probably wondering if I’m going to freak out or not. The seconds of silence feel like hours.

  “Lily, why don’t you show Kate your new toy while I get Jenny all cleaned up.” I turn my gaze to him and I’m rewarded with a wink and a smile. Gah, this man is impossible.

  “Ok Daddy.” Does she have to be so darn cute?

  David takes the lead and helps me inside. It’s so strange to have a man in the house, it makes me feel guilty. We walk into the kitchen and he pulls out a chair for me to sit on.

  “Do you have a first aid kit?”

  “Yes, I actually have a full ER room just down the hall. Do I look like I would have a first aid kit?”

  “You’re funny, you know that?” He kneels in front of me to assess the damage. Before I realize what his plans are, I feel his hand move up my thigh as he starts gently pulling down my stocking. The chill from the kitchen along with his feather-like touch make me shiver and little goose bumps become visible all over the naked skin. I watch him go to the sink and wet a towel then return to his kneeling position. I think I like him on his knees. What the hell? Where did that come from? Bad Jennifer, bad. He cleans my leg gently, removing the dry blood, all the while blowing air into the affected area. My mom hands him a band-aid which he places over the cut and follows it with a kiss. I’m too stunned to speak. Lily giggles at the scene unfolding before her eyes.

  “There. Good as new.” If I wasn’t sitting, his smile would have the power to get me to my knees. I wonder if he knows the effect his touch has on me. I look at his hand still pressed against my thigh then back into his dark eyes. “Ok. I guess I better go. Thank you K
ate, as always it was a pleasure talking to you. Jenny.” Before he walks away, he leans close to my ear, only a breath away and whispers, “You’re still alive in there Jenny. I think we both felt it.” I’m still in shock, unable to say anything, so I just watch him hold his daughter’s hand and walk away. My mom follows him to the door, and I can hear them talking but not clear enough to understand what they are saying. I’m sure he’s probably thinking what I freak I am. After all, each time we meet, I managed to make a fool of myself.

  I look down at the band-aid and still feel the heat from his fingers. It’s been over five years since I had anyone touch me, especially a man.

  “What a pleasant young man. And handsome, too.”

  “Mom, please don’t bring him here ever again.”

  “Now, honey-”

  “No, Mom. I don’t want him in my house, in my driveway, anywhere near me.”

  “Why Jennifer? Give me one good reason. He’s good for you. He’s exactly what you need.”

  “Arhh, I’m not having this conversation with you. It’s my house. The house Sam got for me.”

  “Are you hearing yourself? Sam is gone, baby. He didn’t buy this house. God help me, when will this get better for you?” She’s crying, big fat tears, the kind that make me feel guilty and like the piece of shit that I am.

  “I don’t have a reason, Mom.” I wrap my arms around her small shoulders and hold her close to me.