Broken

by Man, Alina

  “Why yes, he is.”

  “You need to teach him some manners. Obviously some of the things he said he hears from you. He sounds just like a bully.” Her mouth drops to the floor and before she can say anything, I walk away with a laughing Lily next to me.

  As we walk back to the house, I can’t stop smiling. My little, pretty girl sure told him off.

  I warm up some soup and make grilled cheese sandwiches, the only two full-proof things I can manage in the kitchen. Thankfully, Lily loves the food and can’t stop talking about how much fun she had at the park.

  “Lily baby, I need to tell you something.”

  “Ok,” she takes another bite of the sandwich, while I try to find the right words for what I’m about to say.

  “You know I’m not your mommy, right?”

  “I do. But I want you to be. You are funny and pretty and I love you.” My eyes fill with tears as her words sink in. I press my lips to her temple and her arms go around my neck, holding me tightly. Such a little life and yet so big.

  After lunch, she helps me clean up, or at least she thinks she does. We put the dishes away then play in her room with the ton of Lego’s she has in different buckets. All kinds of themes, colors, and sizes. It’s overwhelming, but so much fun.

  We order pizza for dinner and after a long bath, we settle in front of the television, enjoying the fatty big slices of pepperoni pizza and watching Up. It doesn’t get any better.

  Once she’s full, she lays next to me, her little head on my arm. I can smell the strawberry shampoo and her soft hair tickles my face. Before long, she’s asleep and I turn down the sound on the TV and close my eyes.

  That’s how David finds us. Both asleep, the credits playing on the television.

  “Hey baby,” he kisses me softly and I smile.

  “How did it go?” I whisper, making sure I don’t wake Lily. He puts a finger to his lips and points to Lily. Slowly, he picks her up and takes her to her room. She doesn’t stir even once, not even after she’s back on her back and David is covering her up with the pink princess blanket.

  We go back to the living room and before I can say anything, he pulls me into his arms.

  “God I missed you.” His lips find mine; his hungry tongue pushing past them, tasting and exploring.

  “I missed you too,” I say against his lips. He lowers me onto the sofa, holding me close and goes back to kissing me senseless. There’s no room for talking right now, and I’m not one to complain.

  Chapter 18

  Stop fidgeting. It’s just a movie. Not the guillotine. The doorbell rings.

  “Wow, you look amazing.”

  “Thank you. So do you.” His kiss is light on my cheek yet very powerful. It sends tiny little shock waves throughout my entire body.

  “Shall we?” His hand finds mine and we walk together towards his car. This is our first “real” date and I’m nervous. He’s asked me for weeks now to go to the movies, and every time I’ve been able to change the subject. Until last night. I don’t know how I agreed to this, but as he puts the car in drive, I know there’s no turning back.

  We walk hand in hand in the warm evening and I can’t contain my smile. The past few days had been amazing and I’m starting to see a future with him and Lily. The front of the theater is packed and I find myself tensing a little. David gives my hand a gentle squeeze and pulls me closer to his side.

  “It’s ok.” There’s a comfort in his voice and his eyes and I try to relax. We push past the long line and walk inside.

  “What are we watching again?” I didn’t know what was playing, not that it mattered.

  “Wanted or something like that. You didn’t want to pick so I went with the newest film. No worries, it’s not scary.”

  We decide not to get popcorn, still full after the early dinner; instead, we go in early to find seats. We take the ones right smack in the middle on the last row. His arm is resting on the back of my seat, and I relax against his shoulder. The theater is getting fuller by the minute, and I’m slowly pushing myself close and closer to David. At this rate, I will be on his lap pretty soon.

  “Hey, relax. I’m here babe, ok? Look at me. You’re ok.” I nod and try to relax once again. The theater is pretty large, yet I feel like the walls are closing in. There are too many people, too many voices, too much of everything. The lights are dimming and as the previews are playing, I find myself closing my eyes tightly more than once. I can do this, I tell myself over and over again. I somehow survive the trailers and as the movie starts, I begin to think that maybe I’m over my fears and my anxiety.

  The film is about a divorced father whose daughter decides to go on a trip to Europe against his wishes. The daughter and her friend are all alone in this beautiful house and that’s when things take a turn for the worse. The moment those strangers break into the house, I’m no longer in the movie theater. I watch as everything around me starts to disappear and the room gets smaller and darker by the minute. This isn’t happening. Oh God, please don’t let this happened again. It’s all in my head. I look at David but he is also being pulled away from me, fading into the darkness. Oh my God, what is happening? I scream yet no one seems to hear me.

  “Babe, you look so good tonight.” The voice startles me. I’m no longer in the movie theater. I am lying in my old bed, the one I once shared with Sam. I’m wearing a white thin silk slip and my stomach is round and big. My entire body shakes and I can’t seem to stop. The fear is strong and real and I am gasping for air. “I’m so sorry we couldn’t go out, but you’ll get sick out in this rain.” Sam! No, no, no. This is all wrong. It can’t be happening. David why can’t you hear me?

  “Yes babe, it’s me. What’s wrong?”

  “You’re not here and I’m not here. This is not happening.” He’s not paying attention to me. Instead he’s doing his little striptease dance he sometimes does before we make love. The same dance he did for me that night. His shirt is the first one to go then slowly he removes his belt and slacks. God, he’s so sexy, it makes my mouth water just watching him. I’m crying now, no longer able to contain the heavy tears. Everything looks so real and yet I know better. I don’t want to be in this room anymore because I know what’s going to happen. I can’t see it all unfold before my eyes again. I try to move but it feels like I’m anchored to the bed.

  “I know you want me, you think I’m sexy,” Sam is singing the stupid song he once saw in a movie. It always made me laugh but right now, it’s scaring the living shit out of me. He takes hold of my left ankle and leaves a trail of kisses up my leg, inside my thigh, right along my bikini line. I tremble under his touch. I don’t want to, but it feels so familiar, so good. His eyes are filled with desire and he has a mischievous smile on his face. He kisses his way up until his lips find mine and I involuntarily sob. I open up for him unable to help myself; his tongue taste like mint and wine, refreshing and deliciously addictive.

  The wonderful feeling lasts only moments before he’s being thrown across the room and I’m faced by a large masked stranger. I try to get up again as I see Sam trying to fight another masked man, but I’m too weak. There are three of them, all masked. One is fighting Sam as he’s trying to get to me.

  “Dude, no. You said we’ll just take the stuff and leave.” The guy that’s by the door says. He voice sounds young and nervous.

  “Shut up, Mike. Look in that dresser. I’m sure this bitch has nice stuff. Now you be a good girl and I won’t hurt you.” He turns to me, and I can feel the bile rising in my throat. The bitter taste fills my mouth and I’m gagging convulsively.

  “Get off of her you fucking bastard. I’ll kill you, you piece of shit.” Sam’s voice is full of anger as he’s fighting to get to me. That’s when I see the knife. I don’t know what scares me more. The man that’s on top of me ready to rape me or the knife that’s pointed at Sam’s chest. I can’t move my eyes from him. They are fighting, but Sam is losing the battle. One moment he’s fighting back, the next he
’s on the floor in a pool of blood, his eyes locked with mine. I’m screaming as loud as I can but no one can hear me.

  I don’t remember how many times I passed out that night. The bed is moving with each thrust and after a while, I no longer feel my body. I can’t tell if they all raped me or not; it doesn’t matter anymore. I only look at Sam, his eyes no longer focused. My face is swollen from all the hits I took and I can barely see through my right eye. Yet nothing matters. I pray that once they are done with me, they will put me out of my misery and I’ll be with Sam again.

  And just as fast as it started, it was now over. I hear the sound of a zipper and hushed voices.

  “Mike you finish her. Come on, don’t be shy. The bitch is almost dead, she won’t feel a thing.” There is another man on top of me and I prepare myself for the worst.

  “Stay still and don’t say a word,” he whispers in my ear. “If you do, they’ll kill you.” I watch as he takes out a knife and stabs the mattress next to me. I’m too weak to do or say anything.

  “Yeah, that’s my boy.” They cheer him on as they start exiting the room. The last thing I hear is the front door being shut.

  Someone is calling my name over and over again, louder and louder. I cover my ears and run as fast as I can. Things are coming into focus again; lights, chairs, people. And David. His voice follows me outside as I try to make my way out of the theater. My lungs are hurting, and I’m wheezing from the lack of air. I push the door and continue to run until I’m far away from the theater. I can’t focus on anything, not the traffic zooming around me, not my trembling body. It’s as if I’m floating in the air, being pulled in the abyss of hell.

  “Jenny, stop!” I listen to him, and lean again a tree and try to catch my breath. “Babe what happened? Talk to me.” I can’t talk. I just rest my palms against my knees and savor each breath. In and out, in and out. “Baby, tell me what’s wrong? You scared the shit out of me in there. Jenny? Jenny, look at me.” I look into his eyes and see the worry in them. He’s terrified and it’s my fault.

  “I have to go. I’m sorry, but I have to go.” I turn around once again and walk towards the street lined by a row of taxis.

  “Whatever happened in there, we can deal with it together. Just tell me what to do and I’ll do it. I would walk through fire for you, for us. Just tell me what you need. Jenny, please.”

  “There’s nothing you can do. What you just saw? That’s part of me, it’s who I am. I can’t undo what’s been done, and no matter how much time will go by it will always come back and haunt me. These are my demons, David, and I need you to stay away from me. I need you to run as fast as you can, as far away as you can.” I push myself up and look around. I feel disoriented and cold. “I’m sorry for… well for pretty much everything.” All I can think of is getting away from him. I need to be home where I feel safe, where no one can get hurt. I spot the row of taxies and start moving slowly, forcing my legs one in front of the other.

  “When will you stop running?” He’s angry with me; his voice tells me that much. Angry and hurt and although it breaks my heart to do this to him, it’s the only way. “When? When will you stop all this running away and just let me in, Jenny? You might find this hard to believe, but guess what; I’m in love with you. I fell in love with you that very moment you told me to go fuck myself and never bother you again. I wasn’t looking for anyone and then you came along and turned my life upside-down. I’ve been patient, God knows I have been, but you have to give me something, anything. I need to know that no matter how bad things get, you won’t run. Please baby… just stand still… stand still with me and let me show you just how much I love you.”

  I knew this day would eventually come. I somehow knew it and had my speech ready to go. The one where I would tell him that it all meant nothing, that he was wasting his time; somehow, those words are now escaping me. He deserved so much better than me, and I loved him too much to stay and ruin him. I turn around and face him now and pray that the tears won’t surface and show him that whatever is about to come out of my mouth is a big fat lie.

  “You think you love me? Why? Because we rolled in the sheets a couple times? Is that’s it? What did you think, David? That you will be able to fix me? That somehow you’ll make me all better with your patience and your kind words? It doesn’t work that way.” My legs are shaking so hard that I think I’ll lose my balance any minute now. I push my nails as hard as I can into my clammy palms to keep me focused on something else than his eyes. He runs his hands over his face, nervously, and it’s getting hard to swallow the lump that’s been stuck in my throat.

  “Why are you doing this?” He sounds defeated and broken, and it kills me that I’m doing this to him. It’s the only way, I keep telling myself.

  “Look it’s been fun while it lasted, ok? But this is not for me. I’m sorry, I really am. You’ll thank me one day. Not only that, but you’ll forget all about this, whatever this is.”

  “Thank you? For what? Breaking my fucking heart in a million pieces? Wow, are you serious?” He closes his eyes and stays quiet for a few seconds. I feel the first drop of rain and within minutes the skies grow darker, covered in heavy clouds. It’s as if the heavens above can feel the pain we’re both going through. When he speaks again, his voice is shaky. I’ve managed to break him. I did exactly what I was afraid I would do if I stayed. I turned a wonderful soul into a dark and broken one. “Come on, I’ll take you home.”

  “I think it’s better if I take a taxi.”

  “I said I’ll take you home. If you want to take a taxi then we’ll take one together, but I’m not leaving you alone.” I can’t do anything but follow him towards his car. We’re not touching but we’re close enough, and the energy is so strong, pulling me towards him. I want to take his hand and never let go. I want to feel his arms around me, his breath against my skin, I want to be filled with his desire and let him make me forget who I am. I want to believe in his promises, to believe that he can make it all ok. Visions of my nightmares are imprinted too deeply into my brain, not letting me forget; cutting the dreams of happily ever after into tiny little pieces. Mocking me.

  The quietness that fills the car is maddening. I know I should say something to him but nothing comes to mind. His hands are turning white from gripping the steering wheel, his eyes focused on the road ahead. All I can think of is just how much pain I’ve inflicted on this good man. Too late for “should’ve, could’ve.” Our street comes into view and I want to jump out of the car and lock myself into my house, but I decide not to. I gave this poor man enough crazy to last him a life time; adding jumping out of moving cars to that doesn’t seem wise.

  He finally parks the car in front of my house and turns off the engine. Part of me is ready to bolt, and yet here I sit, unwilling to move.

  “Jenny, I don’t know what you want me to do. I want us to work. That’s all I’ve ever wanted. But you’re not ready. I get that now.”

  “That’s what I wanted too.”

  “Just tell me what happened in there. Was it something I said? Or did?” I look at him once again; really look at him. This man has been nothing but good to me and in this moment I know that I have to come clean. Maybe this will make it easier to walk away.

  “We were supposed to go out that evening,” I say finally.

  “What?”

  “Sam and I. We made plans but the weather was terrible. He didn’t want me to get sick so we stayed in instead. He was always worried about me. We didn’t hear them when they broke in. Didn’t hear anything until they were already there. The three men.” David’s hand is on mine but I feel nothing.

  “You don’t have to tell me now, babe.” I shake my head and continue. He needs to hear it all. He has to know how messed up and broken I am.

  “Sam tried to fight them but he was outnumbered. I watched him take his last breath as those bastards raped me over and over again. I was supposed to die that night. Part of me did. The better part. One of the neighbors pa
ssed them on his way up and saw the blood on their clothes, so he kind of figured out something was not right. He is the reason why I’m still here. He thought he was saving my life but the truth is, I didn’t want to be saved.” David tries to speak again but I stop him. “I need you to listen. This is what’s been inside me for the past five years. I tried to kill myself more than once. The times you think I go out with friends I actually go visit a shrink. All the scars? I did that to myself trying to lull the pain. So you see? I am not who you think. I’m so sorry, David. I never wanted to hurt you.” His eyes fill and he turns away from me.

  “God, why didn’t you tell me any of this before?”

  “I couldn’t. I still have a hard time talking about it.”

  “You’re right. You’re right, I’m sorry. But we can work this out together. I know we can.” I keep my eyes closed and force myself not to cry.

  “I don’t know. I have to fix myself, David. I need to do this for me, or I’m not going to be any good to you.” Ok. So what does that mean for us? I’m still the same. My feelings are still the same.”

  “I think we need some space. We rushed into this and I don’t know-”

  “We rushed into this? Seriously? Well you know where I stand so when you’re ready, you come find me.” Was I being dismissed? Am I even surprised? I mean, what did I expect him to do? It’s like I just got off a merry-go-round, everything still spinning around me. I say nothing else. The handle of the car feels cold and heavy in my palm as I push the door open. I need the air to fill my lungs again, to remind me that I’m still alive.

  This is what I wanted but somehow it doesn’t feel right. David doesn’t look at me or say goodbye. He drives off, not stopping at his house. I shouldn’t care where he’s going, but I do. Everything inside me screams to go after him. To tell him I was wrong. To let him I’m over my past and we could move towards the future together. But somehow the words don’t come out. I stay glued to the concrete and look down the empty street.