To Build a Vow

by Chencia C. Higgins

  Hawk was in the living room chopping it up with Pops and DB when we got there. As usual, when it came to my daughter and her grandparents and uncles, all conversation halted when she ran into the room and everyone’s attention fell on her. She jumped right into telling Hawk about her basketball game the previous week, even instructing me to pull up the video that she just knew I had on my phone so that she could give play-by-play commentary of certain moves that she had learned from him. My brother gave her his undivided attention and gave constructive critique’s on what he observed while I caught my Pops up on my earlier victory. Ja’mya only had an hour of one-on-one time with Hawk before family started to pour into the house and she got caught up with talking to her cousins.

  After turning down the offer of dinner earlier, I was definitely hungry, so I headed into the kitchen to make me a plate. I loved when my family got together, no matter the reason because they always threw down with the food. The icing on the cake was that they never expected my parents to foot the bill on anything just because of how much money they assumed Hawk had. My baby brother had done more than alright for himself, and I was as proud as I could be. Our parents had raised us with a clear understanding of how money worked, so when Hawk received his first check, a multi-million dollar bonus just for signing with the Clutch, he didn’t go out and do stupid shit like buy cars and jewelry. Instead, under the instruction of Pops and Ma, he handed it over to his newly acquired financial advisor and was given a small percentage to celebrate with. For Hawk, that meant taking the whole family on a week-long vacation to northern Europe.

  I finished my food and disposed of my paper plate before making myself a drink with some of the liquor the family had brought. Lisa had gone with us on that trip. We had been together for three years by that time, and she was just like family at that point. I had also proposed to her twice by then, with no knowledge that Ja’mya was conceived while on that trip. Apparently, the powder white snow of the Swiss Alps was an aphrodisiac and the high altitude made us extremely fertile. We’d been through so much, had seen so much together, was it possible that all of our good memories could lead to Lisa leaving me?

  Once my drink was gone, I grabbed a beer and headed outside where Ja’mya and her cousins were sitting around the fire pit, eating. Deena had dropped Deon off, and as if the past weekend had never happened, the two girls were joking and laughing like best friends again. Someone inside the house switched on some music and it poured out through the backyard speakers hidden inside of faux boulders dotted around the patio and yard. The music excited the kids, who all suspiciously finished their food at the same time so they could have a dance contest. I was crying laughing at some of the moves these kids were doing. Ja’mya did some mess that looked like a fighting move out of an anime cartoon then reached for the sky and pulled her fist down. The other kids started cheering loudly, and I took that to mean that my baby was winning.

  Shit, I was old because I didn’t recognize any of the dances. Deon and Ja’mya launched into a round of choreographed moves that were actually pretty good. I wondered if they had come up with that the day of or before their fight. The music changed from the current tracks to something I recognized and to my surprise, the kids were digging New Edition. The boys started recreating the moves from videos I remember watching growing up and I was impressed and entertained. Whoever was the acting DJ cycled back a few decades and when Johnnie Taylor came on, the kids all booed and decided to go play in the yard. I chuckled and picked up the beer I had set next to my chair while I watched the show.

  As I watched my daughter run around with her cousins in the yard, I couldn’t help but think about how Lisa was supposed to be here. Family gatherings

  I was so lost in my thoughts that I hadn’t noticed Hawk step outside until he squeezed my shoulder. My mood had soured beyond the desire for company but since this shindig was in his honor, I tried to reel in my melancholy. It worked well enough until Hawk said the last two words I wanted to hear.

  “Where’s Lisa?”

  It was an honest enough question considering the surroundings but regardless, I snorted and took a mean swig from my beer. “She’s probably with her fiance.” Fuck! I hadn’t meant to say that but it had slipped right out. I hadn’t mentioned my current predicament to either of my parents because I didn’t know what to say and I was still hoping I wouldn’t have to. In fact, I hadn’t said anything to anyone about it. I’d just been holding this shit in with the hopes that it would fix itself. Hawk’s shocked expression contradicted that.

  “What the fuck did you say?”

  I glanced at him then over at the kids. Ja’mya was clear across the other side of the half-acre yard. I couldn’t risk her hearing this after that conversation we’d had this morning. “You heard what I said.”

  Hawk shook his head slowly. His face was the picture of disbelief. “I heard you alright, but I think my hearing might be a little fucked up because it sounded like you said Lisa was with her fiance. I know that can’t be right since she ain’t here with you.”

  I snorted again and tilted the bottle of my beer up. It was pointless. The beverage was flat and tasteless against my tongue. “Yeah, well…”

  “What did you do?”

  I frowned. Why would this fool assume I did anything? “Shit, I didn’t do anything.”

  “Nah, that can’t be true. Lisa wouldn’t just leave you after sixteen years for nothing.”

  That’s what the fuck I thought. It was nice to know I wasn’t alone in that line of thinking, but all it did was further dig in the knife in my chest. I looked at my baby brother.

  “Think again, baby boy. Those were her exact words.” Verbatim. She told me, with a straight face, that she had said yes to someone after telling me no for so long.

  His eyebrows furrowed. “Bruh, you lost me.”

  I sighed. It still confused the hell out of me. “Lisa wanted to get married.” All of a sudden. And not to me. I wanted to add that last part, but since Hawk never knew that I had proposed to Lisa he wouldn’t understand that part. Hell, knowing what I knew now, I was surprised he hadn’t heard about it, the way my mama ran her mouth. A look of understanding came across Hawk’s face and I panicked for a moment, thinking back to see if I had accidentally let my unspoken words fall out of my mouth. Nah, I was good.

  “I’ll be honest with you, man, I thought Lisa was ‘the one’ for you. You were so in love with her…”

  “Am not were,” I interjected quickly before clearing my throat. My desire to make that clear almost made me miss my saving grace in that statement. He thought I was referencing the principles Pops had instilled in us and that I was saying that only Lisa wanted to get married. I fought the urge to correct his assumption by saying, “I love her but I don’t know if that makes her ‘the one’.”

  And because he wouldn’t be my annoying ass little brother if he didn’t say some silly shit, he did. “Well, if she ain’t the one then what is all the drinking and tears for then?”

  With one hand, I bulldozed it into his shoulder and although he almost fell over, he started laughing. I know I had misled him, but I couldn’t help the anger I felt over the situation.

  “Fuck you, nigga! I’m not crying and shit. You asked where she was, and I told you.”

  He gave a nonchalant shrug but moved over one seat. “You sound pretty heartbroken about it.”

  I was, but still…“Nigga…”

  “I’m just sharing my observations. But what’s the big deal? If you love her and you can’t stop crying now that she left you then hurry up and marry her before whoever this other nigga is does it first.”

  I drank the last of my beer before tossing the empty bottle into a nearby barrel trashcan that was brought out of the shed specifically for this get-together. His idea had merit, but if it was that simple, then we wouldn’t be here in the first place. She would have married me way back when and this conversation wouldn’t even be taking place. Granted, I hadn’t asked her to marry me
in years but shit, how many times did I have to put myself out there for her to see I meant it?

  “Shit’s not that simple. She met someone and got close enough to him that she thought it was a good idea to accept his proposal.” Without even letting me know she was even in the mood to consider a proposal. That part fucked me up royally. I didn’t even get a chance to shoot my shot before finding out that I had lost the game. I wanted to laugh even though it wasn’t funny. Here I was using basketball references when Hawk was the ball player.

  Hawk stroked his goatee, the only bit of hair he could grow on his head. “You know who this dude is?”

  Hell no. I wish I did so I could put my foot on his neck for coming for a taken woman. “Nah, and I’m not even going to give Lisa the satisfaction of thinking that I care by asking anything about him.”

  He nodded. “I get that. Not only lie to yourself but lie to her too. That’s a solid plan.”

  I glared at him. I didn’t need his shit today. It was bad enough that I was in the position I was in.

  “Nah, you’re right. Just let whatever happens, happen. When did all of this go down? Last I heard, you and Lisa were thinking of having another baby.”

  I shook my head. There was the mama I knew and loved. A week hadn’t even passed since I’d told her about that, and already, Hawk knew. Boy, I tell you.

  “We were. Ja’mya is about to be thirteen, and I want a son. Lisa was on board with it until she came back from a weekend trip with her girls. After that, she said she wasn’t going to continue being my ‘forever girlfriend’, whatever that means. I mean, she was more than my girlfriend and she knew it. She was my…” I trailed off. I didn’t know what to call Lisa’s position in my life. She didn’t want to be my wife but that’s what she had been to me. Until she wasn’t.

  Hawk watched me rack through the dictionary in my brain before throwing me a line. “Life partner?”

  I nodded vigorously, my finger in the air like I was Einstein making a discovery. “Yes! That’s it!”

  He chuckled and I knew it was at my expense. “Bruh, you do know that most people who have a life partner do so because they aren’t able to get married? Not because they refuse to.”

  I jerked to the side. I was the last person who would do that. “I’m not refusing to get married.” I fumbled over my words while I tried to think of another reason why I wouldn’t be married in this fake scenario. “I’m just being cautious.”

  His nod was condescending. He didn’t believe me. “Okay bruh, if you say so.” He stood to leave and we slapped hands but I pulled him in close and looked him in the eye.

  “I’m not refusing to get married.” It was imperative that he understood that.

  When he laughed and pulled away I knew it didn’t matter what I said, nothing would convince him short of Lisa saying it herself. “Okay, nigga, damn! I believe you.”

  He headed back into the house and I ran both of my hands down my face, groaning in frustration.

  “You didn’t want to marry Mommy? That’s why she left?”

  My head snapped up and I saw Ja’mya standing on the other side of the fire pit. My blood froze in my veins at the devastation on her face. Instead of scolding her for listening to an adult conversation, I immediately went into damage control mode.

  “No, baby, that’s not it. Come here.” I waited with baited breath while she stood staring at me for a few beats before coming around the pit and occupying the seat her uncle had just abandoned. She buried her face in my shoulder and I wrapped my arms around her, pulling her tight against me so that I could speak directly into her ear.

  “I love your mommy very much and would marry her in a heartbeat. Although I don’t know exactly what is going on, I know with one-hundred percent certainty that, that has nothing to do with it.”

  Her small frame shook against me and I cursed Lisa for doing this to us. She took the cowards way out by leaving while Ja’mya was gone and she left me to handle the explosion when our incredibly intelligent daughter figured it out. When Ja’mya looked up at me, her eyes were glassy and red.

  “Please just tell me the truth, Daddy. Is she really helping Auntie T with a project?”

  I hesitated. “There is a possibility that she is help—”

  “Daddy, please!”

  I sighed. There was no way around this. I had to tell her something. “I had no knowledge of a project until you mentioned it to me this morning.”

  Instantly, her face crumbled and she threw her arms around my neck muffling her sobs with my with my polo shirt.

  “So she did leave us!”

  I leaned back and lifted Ja’mya’s chin with my finger. I had to correct something immediately. “Let me stop you right there. She left me. She did not, and would never leave you. Do you understand me?”

  She shook her head. “But she did leave me. She’s staying with Auntie T while she left you and me at the house. She left me too, Daddy!”

  I closed my eyes against the emotion trying to escape them and pulled my daughter back against my chest. What could I say to that?

  Chapter Six

  Lisa

  The door to my classroom was thrust open, banging against the wall and startling me and my students. We were only fifteen minutes into the day and I was just going over the day’s lesson plan. When my daughter stood in the opened doorway with a tear-stained face and fury in her eyes, a chorus of “Ooh’s” went up. I told them to calm down and crossed the room to see about my child. I didn’t care how mad she called herself being, she was not going to come act a fool in my classroom. I pulled the door closed and grabbed her upper arm, taking her to the end of the hall and out of earshot.

  “Have you lost your mind? Why would you enter my classroom like that?”

  Ja’mya narrowed her eyes at me, and I had to pray for the strength of God to keep me from laying hands on her in that hallway. My question had now become rhetorical because it became quite clear that she had, indeed, lost her mind.

  “You lied to me!”

  Both of my eyebrows launched toward the ceiling. Thankfully, she had the wisdom to keep her voice at a reasonable level, but no matter how quiet she was, her words were about to have her meeting both of my parents in Heaven.

  “Excuse you?” I was feeling benevolent and decided to give her an opportunity to fix her mistake.

  Apparently, her mind wasn’t all gone. Her accusatory tone became a whine as her face crumpled. “Mommy, you said were just going to Auntie T’s to help her with a project, but that’s not true! You left Daddy and you left me!”

  My mouth hung open as I searched for words to say. I had trusted that Jeremiah meant he would wait for me to talk to Ja’mya when he declared that yesterday wasn’t a good day. I assumed the arrival of his brother meant they had other things to worry about than our break up. I guess I was wrong on all accounts. Considering everything, he didn’t owe me the truth, but he had never been a liar before.

  Had I caused that to change?

  Swallowing hard, I stepped closer to my daughter. “Is that what Daddy told you?” I needed to get a clear understanding of what he had said so I knew how to proceed but Ja’mya shook her head, confusing me.

  “He said you didn’t leave us, that you only left him, but that’s not true! You haven’t been home since Monday, Mommy! Please come home! I need you and Daddy needs you. Mommy, please. Daddy loves you so much and if it’s about getting married, he’ll do it! He said he would marry you in a heartbeat when I asked him. You just have to come home and everything will be okay.”

  Seeing my child like this gutted me. She was pleading with me to undo the damage I had done but little did she know, she was asking the impossible. If I didn’t hold fast to this breakup, she wouldn’t have a daddy to wipe her tears when she got home. I could see now that I’d handled this wrong. I should have taken Ja’mya with me when I left. I should have explained everything to her—well, explained that I was leaving—from the jump. Instead, I’d attempted to avoi
d what was looking me right in the face. The truth was, there was no way to wash my hands of Jeremiah without hurting his miniature. She was his twin in every way possible, and whether I left her with him or took her with me, she would be devastated.

  I wrapped my arms around her with intentions to pull her in for a hug but she jerked away from me.

  “Are you coming home?”

  My head felt like lead as I shook it. “No, baby. I—”

  Her head dropped in between her shoulders and I could see the tears fall from her face to the floor.

  “Mya, baby. No matter what happens between me and your Daddy, I’ll always be here for you. You know that right?”

  Instead of a nod, she responded with a shrug. Her face was still toward the ground. I grabbed her hands and bent my knees as I leaned to the side and tried to make eye contact. She turned her face to the wall, preventing me from my goal.

  “Ja’mya.”

  Finally, she gave me her attention. I cupped her chin and pulled her into my embrace. “I love you, babygirl. Okay?” After a moment, she nodded and I exhaled my relief. “How about you come with me to Auntie T’s after school and I can answer all of your questions then, okay?” I received another nod followed by silence, but I would take it. I hugged her tight and walked her down the hallway to her classroom.

  A couple of hours later there was a knock on my door followed by Candice poking her head in the room.

  “Ms. Sutton, may I speak to you for a moment?”

  I instructed my students to continue reading to the end of the chapter and stepped into the hallway.