Death of a Fop (Bow Street Consultant series Book 1)

by Sarah Waldock

  “Get to the point Simmy” said Caleb, not unkindly.

  “Yerse, well, I seen this swell cove come out and I fink t’meself, ‘Ullo Simmy, I seen him somewhere. And I knows where it is; ‘e goes ter cocking and dog fights where vere’s good pickin’s fer a beggar – better for a diver but I ain’t got the agility t’pick pockets. ‘E know a few rum coves too; but ‘e is a gent, account ‘e knows uvver gents wot are famous enough ter reckernise, though I don’t say that ‘e’s no bosom-bow o’ any on em. ‘E ain’t wot yer call the demi-monde but ‘e do know plenty wot are if you arsts me, though ‘e do go out o’ ‘is way ter make sure none o’ the swell coves ‘e goes arahnd wiv don’t notice. But maunders – that’s beggars in your tork, lidy – maunders see everyfink. And it pay ter know ‘oo yer might touch fer a few coppers and ‘oo might scrag yer; and reckon ‘ed be one as would scrag yer. ‘E ‘as bang up prancers though! I kin find out ‘oo is reelly is if it ain’t what ‘e says ‘e is” his eyes glittered.

  “Well Simmy, if you would do that, I should be well pleased” said Jane “Go first to the kitchen however and Mrs Ketch will give you a square meal and will pack you up a veal pie and some bread and cheese to take on your investigations; but you are not to take risks! Do not ask questions of anyone who might, er, scrag you! And here is some payment for your information and some on account in case you need to grease a palm or two” she took two shillings from her reticule, looked at them, and felt around to find instead two sixpences and three groats. She looked up to see tears in the child’s eyes; and knelt beside him to put an arm around his filthy shoulders. “Why Simmy, what have I said to upset you?”

  “Oh LIDY! Mr Armitage, ‘E says ter tike care, but even ‘E aint never told me direct not ter arst questions o’ dangerous coves!” said Simmy. “And yer gwine ter feed me AND pay me?”

  “I ain’t never forbid that, because, little kinchin, I give you credit for not bein’ stupid enough to do so” said Caleb. “Strewth, the brat’s napping his bib in earnest!”

  Simmy was quite clinging to Jane crying and she lifted his pathetically light body into her lap, cradling him to her. At first he stiffened then leaned into her bosom, every line of his body begging caresses.

  “Oh Caleb, anyone would think nobody had ever even embraced him before!” she cried in distress, stroking his filthy hair.

  Caleb shrugged.

  “I don’t suppose they ever have, Jane-girl; as I understand it he was abandoned on the doorstep of an orphan asylum at birth, and was too crippled to be indentured either at the mills or as a climbing boy, and ran off when he was about five. I feed him from time to time and he does errands for me…. He’s such an independent little sprout, which I admire, I never quite liked to offer to adopt him though I’m fond of him; he’s brave and still as gay as a grig with all his troubles. I ruffle his hair; but ……I guess he ain’t never had a female what hasn’t made the sign of the evil eye; some believe that even lookin’ at him can make the same cripplin’ effects happen to an unborn child. I didn’t think you’d be superstitious like that.”

  “Quite right; I am not. How ludicrous! Well you shall adopt him as soon as you may be publicly alive again; and in due course he shall have a stepmama” said Jane firmly. “Simmy, you shall have my handkerchief but you must promise to learn to use it properly. Would you like Mr Armitage to be your father?”

  “Strite up, Mr Armitage?” gasped Simmy “Straight up, Simmy; but for now I’m pretending to be dead because I’m working against a very dangerous cove and this Sir Richard might be associated with him. So for now, you’re just a kinchin-zad and NO BOASTING because that could lead to you, me, and Mrs Jane here all being scragged, right?”

  Simmy nodded. He understood; and Jane’s heart went out to a pathetic scrap of humanity not ten years old who understood too well about violent death. He blew his nose ecstatically on Jane’s delicate linen handkerchief and Caleb took him off for some food.

  Jane reflected soberly that this business was bringing home to her how well off she had always been; and that the bonds of extreme poverty and physical deformity were more profound than those of being a shabby genteel person like a governess. Simmy was fairly repulsive to look at; but cleaned up and fed up a bit she had no doubts that she would get used to his odd appearance with the drooping right hand side to his face. If Caleb had been married before and had already had children, crippled or no, she would accept them as stepchildren; so it was untenable that she should not be a mother to one Caleb had considered adopting without realising that the independence was but armour against the world. Of course Caleb saw poverty and misery every day; had grown up with it. He could be fallible in reading people; and how typical that he should err on the side of not wanting to take the child’s self respect and independence!

  Chapter 25

  “I meant to tell you about Simmy and see if you wouldn’t find him a spot to sleep at times” said Caleb. “A man is shy of adopting a lad when there’s no woman’s hand in the house and equally shy of asking the best woman in the world to see her way to giving any kind of affection to a child not even a blood relative of…. I am losing myself here; you know what I mean don’t you, Jane-girl?”

  “If you have an affection for the child then you should look on him as your son; and it argues well that you will readily accept another man’s children as your own” said Jane. “How could any woman not warm to that poor child? He is a loathsome creature at the moment, but it is hardly his fault! Cleanliness and good food will do wonders; but my dear Mr Armitage, he must learn to speak in a way that will not leave Frances and baby picking up bad habits. To learn cant for the fun of it when they are old enough to use it only in play and not as everyday is one thing; but I will not have them use it as a matter of course.”

  “No; and I will engage to teach Simmy the same” said Caleb. “Had you thought of a name for baby?”

  Jane sighed.

  “It would be politic to call a son ‘Jasper’ for his great uncle,” she said, “for he will be the old man’s heir. For a girl I thought perhaps Henrietta for Aunt Hetty. I felt I should try to appease Uncle Jasper; he will have found out that Frank made a will leaving the house to me, which will not please him that it does not automatically entail to Frank’s son should baby be one; nor does my blackmail of him to have the jointure in full please him any the better. When he dies the property of Enscombe will pass to baby if he is a boy or to the crown if not; so I am hoping that he should be a boy for why should the crown profit? I doubt I shall have any monies of the estate as I brought nothing to the marriage; but I shall lose no time in getting Mr Weston, as Frank’s father, to arrange guardianship of baby in that case. I cannot dare remarry until he is born; for that would probably forfeit his right to inherit. And to do so would be unfair to baby. I can only be grateful that Frank laughingly made out a will naming me as heir to any house in London he might own; which was before he bought this house. It is unfair that women should not be permitted to inherit property! And if uncle Jasper saw fit to contest that will, it would probably be decided in his favour, to be held in entail for any son of Frank or as dowry for his daughters to the benefit of any husband they might have!”

  “It is unfair,” said Caleb, “and by law, which troubles me, I shall have ownership of the house when we wed.”

  “You might however if you prefer agree on a secured settlement to give me full rights to leave the house as I choose” said Jane. “And how sordid that such things should have to be discussed! Particularly since I have not yet even given you leave to court me and we are discussing marital finances!”

  “Sordid indeed Jane-girl; and perhaps premature; but with children in the case, finer feelings must be laid aside for sordid financial consideration.”

  “Oh yes, I do agree; else I had not acted so towards Uncle Jasper. I was disagreeably surprised that so meek a man should be so unpleasant towards me; and it gave me the bravery of a lioness in defence of her cubs” said Jane.


  “And quite right too” said Caleb. “I have noticed that men who live under the sign of the cat’s foot may, when released by widowhood, run quite counter to what one might have said was their nature, either behaving with impropriety or becoming very hectoring bullies. And you are quite right to put your children first. Mr Weston seems a good man to consult; what little I saw of him I liked, and firmly suppressed the regular soldier’s contempt for a militia man.”

  “Why is there contempt for the militia?” asked Jane.

  “Because they are toy soldiers who join up for the uniform and are never posted anywhere more dangerous then Bath where only the designs of moonstruck young girls may pose them any danger” said Caleb.

  “You are a complete hand!” giggled Jane.

  Simmy came back late in the evening and was not too pleased to be firmly bathed and dressed in cut-down clothes that were clean by Mrs Ketch before he was permitted to go and report. He did get rewarded with a bowl of stew and a good chunk of bread however; all of which mixed indignity and largesse he told Caleb before any kind of report might be extracted from him.

  Caleb laughed.

  “Well lad, when you’re my son you’ll wear a clean mish every day, and wash every day too; and you’ll thank me for it! It’s the dirtiest as catch Gaol Fever first, as well you know! And you’ll eat three times a day too.”

  “Gawd!” said Simmy “Well fer eatin’ free times a day reckon the scrubbin’ll be worth it!”

  “It is” said Caleb sympathetically. “I know; for I found out when I joined up. Now what have you found out?”

  Simmy grinned.

  “Well the cove is Sir Richard Marjoram like wot ‘e say ‘e is; that’s strite up. Got that off the footman cove what gimme a baubee, skinflint owd…..”

  “LANGUAGE!” barked Caleb “And if you spit in here I’ll tan your jacket!” he then added to Jane “A baubee is a ha’penny; not much of a vail.”

  “No indeed” said Jane “If I catch you spitting, Simmy I will make you clean it up and I will wash your mouth.”

  “Sorry sir, sorry lidy” said Simmy more impressed by the cruelty of women than the idea of a whipping. “Any roads, this Sir Richard, he come by the title in the army seemingly for bravery in action; ‘swhat the footman say. ‘E’s the third son of some Earl or uvver – that’s this Sir Richard, not the footman” he explained “Wot’s disin’erited ‘im fer some sort o’ kick up over someat. I dunno! Didn’t make no sense t’me.”

  “You did well Simmy,” said Jane, “and when you are Simon Armitage you shall be properly educated so you do understand and then you may help Mr Armitage even more.”

  Simmy blinked.

  “I ain’t averse t’be Armitage, Lidy, but why won’t I be Simmy no more?”

  “Why, because Simmy is but a shortening of the name Simon; it is a name you might think more a man’s name than a boy’s as you grow up” said Jane.

  Simmy considered this.

  “I ain’t never been nuffin but Simmy” he said “But stand to reason; the ‘sylum christened all the boys in rotation after disciples and all the girls after all the morts in the Bible which ain’t as many. I’ve allus wonderd, Lidy, ‘course they learned us Bible stories, if there weren’t no morts, ‘ow did they…..” he caught Caleb’s eye on him and amended what he had been going to say to, “……’Ow did they marry and ‘ave brats?”

  “Why Simmy, if anyone wrote an account of history of our own time, there would be a great deal about the men; those who fought Boney and those who make laws; when it is men who write history it is merely that they do not bother to mention the women unless they cannot help it” said Jane. “It is not that there were less women in Biblical times; just that they were not mentioned.”

  Simmy digested this.

  “Reckon it’s account of ‘ow once you lets morts in you bain’t never shut o’ vem” he opined.

  “And when they cook and mend and care for you, that’s not such bad thing young shaver” said Caleb firmly.

  Simmy was provided with a blanket to sleep in the kitchen with Caleb’s small army; and went to sleep more comfortably than he recalled ever having been in his short life before.

  “What I want to know is,” said Jane to Caleb, “why, if this Sir Richard is involved in the killing of Frank, would he want to offer marriage to me? I can see why he might want to question me to find out what I know – I confess when I became wise to him I almost became sick with apprehension – but marriage?”

  “You sweet and green goose” said Caleb “That part of his lay was plain from the start; what but that a man owns his wife, and her possessions, and that as they are one in law she cannot testify against him?”

  “I could not in any case; I know as yet nothing to testify” said Jane.

  “Unless you know of the necklace – and to get it back, and quiet your tongue on it, do you think any man is going to find it a hardship to wed a beautiful woman who has besides this elegant town house and potentially a fortune too? Recollect he does not know that all the dibs were on Frank’s side; indeed he may even believe that Frank married the fortune he ran through so successfully, since he suddenly appears on the town with money and a wife. You know, and because you have told me, I know that he married you only because his aunt had died; and that she had obviously also had a secured settlement to leave money directly to him. But to all outward appearances he has a new wife and blunt to flash to go with her.”

  Jane paled.

  “Does that mean I shall be the butt of all the gazetted fortune hunters in town?”

  “More than likely” said Caleb cheerfully. “I’ll darken their daylights for them though if you want me to.”

  “I should prefer to use tact in the first instance and if that fails a bucket of cold water as one uses on amorous curs” said Jane sedately.

  He gave a shout of laughter.

  “Jane-girl, the suggestion is delightful; and spoken in that prim tone of yours, one might take you for the governess you never had to be dealing with some embarrassing cur in the park when out with your charges!”

  “Well it is a deal better than falling into hysterics and merely dragging interested little eyes past and hoping that the children do not ask loud question with the unfailing clarity of tone that always occurs for such inappropriate queries when their mama is listening” said Jane.

  “You have no illusions I perceive” said Caleb.

  “None whatsoever” said Jane. “So he prefers to own me than to kill me; I suppose that it makes sense. A drab like poor Dorothy being murdered would, I am sure, elicit less interest than a widow of respectable birth living in a neighbourhood such as this. Should I encourage him at all?”

  “I should say your tone of censure about his unwarranted hurry was about the right tack to take” he said. “Do not discourage him; but permit my friends and me to do a little carpentry.”

  “What are you about?” asked Jane.

  “The bookroom and the Parlour run back behind the stairwell to have a deep alcove on each that has the connecting door in it. Doubtless he noticed the alcove; but made a little shallower and lined with books, that there might be a concealed doorway, I might construct a small secret room, that he not, I hope, notice the difference in the depth. If a piercing is made to the stair well for fresh air and some modicum of light from the skylight above the stairs it would be a place in which to listen to conversations in either room at need. And a better choice than the little parlour across the landing from the bookroom.”

  Jane nodded. The bookroom was a long narrow room permitting a second room at the front that was best described as cosy; the deeper rooms lay at the back, the parlour and the dining room, the dining room running across the stair well.

  “Yes; you do what is needful” she said half reaching out to him “Indeed I would that you will start first thing in the morning; for I fear this Sir Richard and I would be happier to know that you are indeed nearby.”

  “Don’t worry, Jane-girl; I wo
n’t let the fellow hurt you” said Caleb taking her hand and pressing a gentle kiss on the palm.

  Chapter 26

  Caleb was still not recovered from the bullet wound by any manner of means; Jane cleaned and dressed the wound twice daily, and though he mostly scorned to lie abed he did lie down on the chaise longue to direct the efforts of Will, Jackie and Daniel who seemed to take a positive delight in a little bit of constructive demolition, as Caleb put it to Jane.

  “You are an infuriating man with a propensity for making contrary comments” said Jane surveying the mess and concealing her dismay.

  “Well if you are disposed to compliment me so well, Mrs Churchill…..” said Caleb who was rigorous in his propriety over terms of address in front of others, especially underlings if not in the outrageous things he said..

  “What, you thought it a compliment Mr Armitage? I fear you must be feverish again” said Jane.

  “I could make a few comments about the fever you create in me but I fear I should only make you blush. Like that” said Caleb.

  “Impossible man!” said Jane, more irritated with herself that he could bring colour to her cheeks so easily.

  He grinned at her.

  “Break your fast, Mrs Churchill; and then comment” he said.

  Jane went in to breakfast with Miss Bates who wanted to discuss all that the soldiers were doing in great detail; Dorothy agog to know what the purpose was; and Jane murmured that they were employed usefully as seemed fit while they were about the place setting up a chamber that might comfortably house a patent flushing water closet on this floor rather than the more primitive arrangement of the close stool in the little room off the dining room.

  “Why what an excellent idea!” cried Miss Bates “The Bramah closet downstairs is a most excellent contrivance; Mr Woodhouse has one too at Hartfield to prevent his servants having to go down the garden in the cold for emptying things; and the Coles have one on EACH floor in their house, only fancy!”