The John Varley Reader

by John Varley

  For a while. After an hour, she started to seem a little frightening. I had never seen anyone so determined.

  The reason she kept slipping was that she was chasing us through Beatnik Bayou, which is Trigger’s home. Trigger herself describes it as “twelve acres of mud, mosquitoes, and moonshine.” Some of her visitors had been less poetic but more colorful. I don’t know what an acre is, but the bayou is fairly large. Trigger makes the moonshine in a copper and aluminum still in the middle of a canebrake. The mosquitoes don’t bite, but they buzz a lot. The mud is just plain old Mississippi mud, suitable for beating your feet. Most people see the place and hate it instantly, but it suits me fine.

  Pretty soon the woman was covered in mud. She had three things working against her. One was her ankle-length maternity gown, which covered all of her except for face, feet, and bulging belly and breasts. She kept stepping on the long skirt and going down. After a while, I winced every time she did that.

  Another handicap was her tummy, which made her walk with her weight back on her heels. That’s not the best way to go through mud, and every so often she sat down real hard, proving it.

  Her third problem was the Birthgirdle pelvic bone, which must have just been installed. It was one of those which sets the legs far apart and is hinged in the middle so when the baby comes it opens out and gives more room. She needed it, because she was tall and thin, the sort of build that might have died in childbirth back when such things were a problem. But it made her waddle like a duck.

  “Quack, quack,” Denver said, with an attempt at a smile. We both looked back at the woman, still following, still waddling. She went down, and struggled to her feet. Denver wasn’t smiling when she met my eyes. She muttered something.

  “What’s that?” I said.

  “She’s unnerving,” Denver repeated. “I wonder what the hell she wants.”

  “Something pretty powerful.”

  Cathay and Trigger were a few paces ahead of us, and I saw Trigger glance back. She spoke to Cathay. I don’t think I was supposed to hear it, but I did. I’ve got good ears.

  “This is starting to upset the kids.”

  “I know,” he said, wiping his brow with the back of his hand. All four of us watched her as she toiled her way up the far side of the last rise. Only her head and shoulders were visible.

  “Damn. I thought she’d give up pretty soon.” He groaned, but then his face became expressionless. “There’s no help for it. We’ll have to have a confrontation.”

  “I thought you already did,” Trigger said, lifting an eyebrow.

  “Yeah. Well, it wasn’t enough, apparently. Come on, people. This is part of your lives, too.” He meant me and Denver, and when he said that we knew this was supposed to be a “learning experience.” Cathay can turn the strangest things into learning experiences. He started back toward the shallow stream we had just waded across, and the three of us followed him.

  If I sounded hard on Cathay, I really shouldn’t have been. Actually, he was one damn fine teacher. He was able to take those old saws about learning by doing, seeing is believing, one-on-one instruction, integration of life experiences—all the conventional wisdom of the educational establishment—and make it work better than any teacher I’d ever seen. I knew he was a counterfeit child. I had known that since I first met him, when I was seven, but it hadn’t started to matter until lately. And that was just the natural cynicism of my age-group, as Trigger kept pointing out in that smug way of hers.

  Okay, so he was really forty-eight years old. Physically he was just my age, which was almost thirteen: a short, slightly chubby kid with curly blond hair and an androgynous face, just starting to grow a little fuzz around his balls. When he turned to face that huge, threatening woman and stood facing her calmly, I was moved.

  I was also fascinated. Mentally, I settled back on my haunches to watch and wait and observe. I was sure I’d be learning something about “life” real soon now. Class was in session.

  When she saw us coming back, the woman hesitated. She picked her footing carefully as she came down the slight rise to stand at the edge of the water, then waited for a moment to see if Cathay was going to join her. He wasn’t. She made an awful face, lifted her skirt up around her waist, and waded in.

  The water lapped around her thighs. She nearly fell over when she tried to dodge some dangling Spanish moss. Her lace dress was festooned with twigs and leaves and smeared with mud.

  “Why don’t you turn around?” Trigger yelled, standing beside me and Denver and shaking her fist. “It’s not going to do you any good.”

  “I’ll be the judge of that,” she yelled back. Her voice was harsh and ugly and what had probably been a sweet face was now set in a scowl. An alligator was swimming up to look her over. She swung at it with her fist, nearly losing her balance. “Get out of here, you slimy lizard!” she screamed. The reptile recalled urgent business on the other side of the swamp, and hurried out of her way.

  She clambered ashore and stood ankle-deep in ooze, breathing hard. She was a mess, and beneath her anger I could now see fear. Her lips trembled for a moment. I wished she would sit down; just looking at her exhausted me.

  “You’ve got to help me,” she said, simply.

  “Believe me, if I could, I would,” Cathay said.

  “Then tell me somebody who can.”

  “I told you, if the Educational Exchange can’t help you, I certainly can’t. Those few people I know who are available for a contract are listed on the exchange.”

  “But none of them are available any sooner than three years.”

  “I know. It’s the shortage.”

  “Then help me,” she said, miserably. “Help me.”

  Cathay slowly rubbed his eyes with a thumb and forefinger, then squared his shoulders and put his hands on his hips.

  “I’ll go over it once more. Somebody gave you my name and said I was available for a primary stage teaching contract. I—”

  “He did! He said you’d—”

  “I never heard of this person,” Cathay said, raising his voice. “Judging from what you’re putting me through, he gave you my name from the Teacher’s Association listings just to get you off his back. I guess I could do something like that, but frankly, I don’t think I have the right to subject another teacher to the sort of abuse you’ve heaped on me.” He paused, and for once she didn’t say anything.

  “Right,” he said, finally. “I’m truly sorry that the man you contracted with for your child’s education went to Pluto instead. From what you told me, what he did was legal, which is not to say ethical.” He grimaced at the thought of a teacher who would run out on an ethical obligation. “All I can say is you should have had the contract analyzed, you should have had a standby contract drawn up three years ago . . . Oh, hell. What’s the use? That doesn’t do you any good. You have my sympathy, I hope you believe that.”

  “Then help me,” she whispered, and the last word turned into a sob. She began to cry quietly. Her shoulders shook and tears leaked from her eyes, but she never looked away from Cathay.

  “There’s nothing I can do.”

  “You have to.”

  “Once more. I have obligations of my own. In another month, when I’ve fulfilled my contract with Argus’ mother,” he gestured toward me, “I’ll be regressing to seven again. Don’t you understand? I’ve already got an intermediate contract. The child will be seven in a few months. I contracted for her education four years ago. There’s no way I can back out of that, legally or morally.”

  Her face was twisting again, filling with hate.

  “Why not?” she rasped. “Why the hell not? He ran out on my contract. Why the hell should I be the only one to suffer? Why me, huh? Listen to me, you shit-sucking little son of a blowout. You’re all I’ve got left. After you, there’s nothing but the public educator. Or trying to raise him all by myself, all alone, with no guidance. You want to be responsible for that? What the hell kind of start in life does tha
t give him?”

  She went on like that for a good ten minutes, getting more illogical and abusive with every sentence. I’d vacillated between a sort of queasy sympathy for her—she was in a hell of a mess, even though she had no one to blame but herself—and outright hostility. Just then she scared me. I couldn’t look into those tortured eyes without cringing. My gaze wandered down to her fat belly, and the glass eye of the wombscope set into her navel. I didn’t need to look into it to know she was due, and overdue. She’d been having the labor postponed while she tried to line up a teacher. Not that it made much sense; the kid’s education didn’t start until his sixth month. But it was a measure of her desperation, and of her illogical thinking under stress.

  Cathay stood there and took it until she broke into tears again. I saw her differently this time, maybe a little more like Cathay was seeing her. I was sorry for her, but the tears failed to move me. I saw that she could devour us all if we didn’t harden ourselves to her. When it came right down to it, she was the one who had to pay for her carelessness. She was trying her best to get someone else to shoulder the blame, but Cathay wasn’t going to do it.

  “I didn’t want to do this,” Cathay said. He looked back at us. “Trigger?”

  Trigger stepped forward and folded her arms across her chest.

  “Okay,” she said. “Listen, I didn’t get your name, and I don’t really want to know it. But whoever you are, you’re on my property, in my house. I’m ordering you to leave here, and I further enjoin you never to come back.”

  “I won’t go,” she said, stubbornly, looking down at her feet. “I’m not leaving till he promises to help me.”

  “My next step is to call the police,” Trigger reminded her.

  “I’m not leaving.”

  Trigger looked at Cathay and shrugged helplessly. I think they were both realizing that this particular life experience was getting a little too raw.

  Cathay thought it over for a moment, eye to eye with the pregnant woman. Then he reached down and scooped up a handful of mud. He looked at it, hefting it experimentally, then threw it at her. It struck her on the left shoulder with a wet plop, and began to ooze down.

  “Go.” he said. “Get out of here.”

  “I’m not leaving,” she said.

  He threw another handful. It hit her face, and she gasped and sputtered.

  “Go,” he said, reaching for more mud. This time he hit her on the leg, but by now Trigger had joined him, and the woman was being pelted.

  Before I quite knew what was happening, I was scooping mud from the ground and throwing it. Denver was, too. I was breathing hard, and I wasn’t sure why.

  When she finally turned and fled from us, I noticed that my jaw muscles were tight as steel. It took me a long time to relax them, and when I did, my front teeth were sore.

  There are two structures on Beatnik Bayou. One is an old, rotting bait shop and lunch counter called the Sugar Shack, complete with a rusty gas pump out front, a battered Grapette machine on the porch, and a sign advertising Rainbow Bread on the screen door. There’s a gray Dodge pickup sitting on concrete blocks to one side of the building, near a pile of rusted auto parts overgrown with weeds. The truck has no wheels. Beside it is a Toyota sedan with no windows or engine. A dirt road runs in front of the shack, going down to the dock. In the other direction the road curves around a cypress tree laden with moss—

  —and runs into the wall. A bit of a jolt. But though twelve acres is large for a privately owned disneyland, it’s not big enough to sustain the illusion of really being there. “There,” in this case is supposed to be Louisiana in 1951, old style. Trigger is fascinated by the twentieth century, which she defines as 1903 to 1987.

  But most of the time it works. You can seldom see the walls because trees are in the way. Anyhow, I soak up the atmosphere of the place not so much with my eyes but with my nose and ears and skin. Like the smell of rotting wood, the sound of a frog hitting the water or the hum of the compressor in the soft drink machine, the silver wiggle of a dozen minnows as I scoop them from the metal tanks in back of the shack, the feel of sun-heated wood as I sit on the pier fishing for alligator gar.

  It takes a lot of power to operate the “sun,” so we get a lot of foggy days, and long nights. That helps the illusion, too. I would challenge anyone to go for a walk in the bayou night with the crickets chirping and the bullfrogs booming and not think they were back on Old Earth. Except for the Lunar gravity, of course.

  Trigger inherited money. Even with that and a teacher’s salary, the bayou is an expensive place to maintain. It used to be a more conventional environment, but she discovered early that the swamp took less upkeep, and she likes the sleazy atmosphere, anyway. She put in the bait shop, bought the automotive mockups from artists, and got it listed with the Lunar Tourist Bureau as an authentic period reconstruction. They’d die if they knew the truth about the Toyota, but I certainly won’t tell them.

  The only other structure is definitely not from Louisiana of any year. It’s a teepee sitting on a slight rise, just out of sight of the Sugar Shack. Cheyenne, I think. We spend most of our time there when we’re on the bayou.

  That’s where we went after the episode with the pregnant woman. The floor is hard-packed clay and there’s a fire always burning in the center. There’s lots of pillows scattered around, and two big waterbeds.

  We tried to talk about the incident. I think Denver was more upset than the rest of us, but from the tense way Cathay sat while Trigger massaged his back I knew he was bothered, too. His voice was troubled.

  I admitted I had been scared, but there was more to it than that, and I was far from ready to talk about it. Trigger and Cathay sensed it, and let it go for the time being. Trigger got the pipe and stuffed it with dexeplant leaves.

  It’s a long-stemmed pipe. She got it lit, then leaned back with the stem in her teeth and the bowl held between her toes. She exhaled sweet, honey-colored smoke. As the day ended outside, she passed the pipe around. It tasted good, and calmed me wonderfully. It made it easy to fall asleep.

  But I didn’t sleep. Not quite. Maybe I was too far into puberty for the drug in the plant to act as a tranquilizer anymore. Or maybe I was too emotionally stimulated. Denver fell asleep quickly enough.

  Cathay and Trigger didn’t. They made love on the other side of the teepee, did it in such a slow, dreamy way that I knew the drug was affecting them. Though Cathay is in his forties and Trigger is over a hundred, both have the bodies of thirteen-year-olds, and the metabolism that goes with the territory.

  They didn’t actually finish making love; they sort of tapered off, like we used to do before orgasms became a factor. I found that made me happy, lying on my side and watching them through slitted eyes.

  They talked for a while. The harder I strained to hear them, the sleepier I got. Somewhere in there I lost the battle to stay awake.

  I became aware of a warm body close to me. It was still dark, the only light coming from the embers of the fire.

  “Sorry, Argus,” Cathay said. “I didn’t mean to wake you.”

  “It’s okay. Put your arms around me?” He did, and I squirmed until my back fit snugly against him. For a long time I just enjoyed it. I didn’t think about anything, unless it was his warm breath on my neck, or his penis slowly hardening against my back. If you can call that thinking.

  How many nights had we slept like this in the last seven years? Too many to count. We knew each other every way possible. A year ago he had been female, and before that both of us had been. Now we were both male, and that was nice, too. One part of me thought it didn’t really matter which sex we were, but another part was wondering what it would be like to be female and know Cathay as a male. We hadn’t tried that yet.

  The thought of it made me shiver with anticipation. It had been too long since I’d had a vagina. I wanted Cathay between my legs, like Trigger had had him a short while before.

  “I love you,” I mumbled.

 
He kissed my ear. “I love you, too, silly. But how much do you love me?”

  “What do you mean?”

  I felt him shift around to prop his head up on one hand. His fingers unwound a tight curl in my hair.

  “I mean, will you still love me when I’m no taller than your knee?”

  I shook my head, suddenly feeling cold. “I don’t want to talk about that.”

  “I know that very well,” he said. “But I can’t let you forget it. It’s not something that’ll go away.”

  I turned onto my back and looked up at him. There was a faint smile on his face as he toyed with my lips and hair with his gentle fingertips, but his eyes were concerned. Cathay can’t hide much from me anymore.

  “It has to happen,” he emphasized, showing no mercy. “For the reasons you heard me tell the woman. I’m committed to going back to age seven. There’s another child waiting for me. She’s a lot like you.”

  “Don’t do it,” I said, feeling miserable. I felt a tear in the corner of my eye, and Cathay brushed it away.

  I was thankful that he didn’t point out how unfair I was being. We both knew it; he accepted that, and went on as best he could.

  “You remember our talk about sex? About two years ago, I think it was. Not too long after you first told me you love me.”

  “I remember. I remember it all.”

  He kissed me. “Still, I have to bring it up. Maybe it’ll help. You know we agreed that it didn’t matter what sex either of us was. Then I pointed out that you’d be growing up, while I’d become a child again. That we’d grow further apart sexually.”

  I nodded, knowing that if I spoke I’d start to sob.

  “And we agreed that our love was deeper than that. That we didn’t need sex to make it work. It can work.”

  This was true. Cathay was close to all his former students. They were adults now, and came to see him often. It was just to be close, to talk and hug. Lately sex had entered it again, but they all understood that would be over soon.