The Hard Way Home

by C. W. Farnsworth

  “Never said I was playing,” I reply.

  “You did last night,” Madison replies, with an overdone sniff.

  “It didn’t exactly make me eager to repeat the experience.”

  “Hey!” Jake calls, his voice filled with fake offense. At least, I think it’s false.

  I ignore him as I vacillate between my two options. Well, three, really. I could just leave. But I don’t. “Truth,” I finally decide.

  Madison was obviously hoping I’d say dare. It takes her awhile to come up with a question. “Who was your first kiss?”

  I let out a little laugh, a bit disappointed by her lack of originality. “Jackson Butler. We played Seven Minutes in Heaven at your twelfth birthday, remember?”

  “Whatever.” Madison looks away, and I get the distinct impression something’s bothering her. Maybe she’s just as uncomfortable about our shared history as I am. Now that I’ve made it through the trial, I reap the rewards.

  “Truth or Dare, Ryan?” I ask.

  He’s not expecting me to pick him, that much is clear. We have a brief stare-off that ends when he answers. “Dare.”

  “I dare you to take a swim.” I tilt my head in the direction of the lake. “You can choose one piece of clothing to keep on." I have no idea what possesses me to choose the challenge; it’s just the first dare that comes to mind. Plus, I know from experience that water is cold.

  Ryan narrows his eyes, but complies, stripping off everything except his boxer briefs and then wading into the lake. There are a few muffled laughs around the campfire. Ryan likes to act like he’s above everything. And everyone. Watching him emerge from the lake soaked and shivering is pretty satisfying.

  I relax in my seat once my part of the game is officially over. I’ll stay for a couple more rounds to make it clear I’m not being run off and then head to bed. We’re leaving early tomorrow morning, and the list of things I’ll need to take care of once we’re back in Landry is a daunting one.

  “Truth or dare, Winters?” Ryan has gotten dressed and chosen his victim. He’s either following the same strategy I did: use the game to taunt someone you otherwise couldn’t, or it’s his way of getting back at me for my dare.

  Caleb hesitates for a few seconds. “Dare.”

  “I dare you to kiss Lennon.” Ryan pauses for dramatic effect. “On the mouth.” Okay, it’s about me. And he’s learned from Poppy’s dare.

  Once he issues the challenge, Ryan slouches back in his seat, looking quite pleased with himself. He obviously noticed the frostiness between Caleb and me, and this childish game has given him the perfect opportunity to taunt us both. In front of an audience, no less.

  Caleb’s face looks like it’s carved from stone as he glares at Ryan. “You’re a dick, James,” he accuses evenly.

  “Are you a coward, Winters?” Ryan replies.

  Unlike during the start of the game, there’s total silence as Caleb and Ryan glare at each other. The air is thick with underlying tension that simmers in the still night air.

  I’m so absorbed by the drama that I’m startled when I’m suddenly drawn into it. Caleb stands and strides towards me. I took my time approaching Jake last night, mostly to give myself time to figure out what I was going to do. Caleb doesn’t seem to have any similar qualms. He’s in front of me in seconds, his face still impassive.

  He holds one hand out, and I grasp it hesitantly. The hostility radiating off of him has me bracing for a harsh yank, but his grip is gentle as he pulls me to my feet. He drops my hand as soon as I’m vertical, but it’s only to wrap his arm around my waist and pull me against his body. I stumble on absolutely nothing, wholly unprepared for the close contact. I was expecting a quick peck, at most. Honestly, after our conversations yesterday, I’m surprised he’s indulging this at all. He doesn’t have anything to prove.

  But I forget about why he’s doing this when his fingers slide underneath the hem of the heavy sweatshirt I’m wearing and ghost along the waistband of the leggings I changed into before dinner. I forget he’s doing this because of a dare when his blue eyes flare like a driftwood fire as our gazes collide. And I lose all sense of where I am, of the few dozen people watching us, when he lowers his lips to mine.

  It’s not a slow burn; it’s an inferno. I’m painfully aware of the fact this is probably the last time I’ll kiss Caleb, so I throw everything I have into it. I don’t know if he’s experiencing the same desperation, or simply responding to my own passion, but his lips are fierce as they move against mine. Dominant. His hands slide higher on my lower back, and I weave my fingers into his hair, a little more roughly than I would ordinarily. He lets out an appreciative growl, and it vibrates against my tongue. Our motions are hasty, but they’re practiced. Synchronous. Like a choreographed dance, and I’m fairly certain it must be obvious to everyone watching this is not the first time our tongues have tangoed.

  I pull back slowly, and am surprised to see Caleb looks as dazed as I feel. It all filters back slowly: the people, the place, the game.

  “I didn’t think you’d do it,” I tell Caleb quietly.

  Something in his expression hardens. “Me neither.” He turns and heads back towards his seat, past more than a few gaping mouths.

  Ryan is the one who breaks the shocked silence, of course. “Damn.” I expect him to address Caleb, but he’s looking at me. “Didn’t know you had that in you, Lennon. It takes Winters to thaw out the Ice Queen attitude, huh? Bit ironic. Barnes sure didn’t get the same reception last night.”

  “Would you like a round of applause for that idiotic attempt at a cute comment?” I retort dryly.

  “Ah, the claws are back out.” Ryan lets out an infuriating laugh.

  Caleb dares Luke to steal a pair of socks from Mr. Tanner’s cabin, and the game continues on from there. After two more dares and a truth pass, I swing one leg over the wooden log so I can slide off the back. “I’m headed to bed,” I tell Will, who has stuck dutifully by my side.

  “Okay. Good night,” he replies, giving me a warm smile.

  I return it, feeling a sudden flood of gratitude towards him. I stand, and then head in the direction of my assigned cabin. It’s empty when I enter it, which is a relief. I’m guessing the girls I’m bunking with will probably have a lot of questions about Caleb’s dare. I only saw Shannon and Julie at the fire, but I’m far from naive when it comes to the inner workings of Landry High’s gossip mill. There won’t be a senior on this trip who doesn’t hear some mention of it.

  I take my time brushing my teeth and washing my face, even using some of Shannon’s fancy face cream. I dab it on my cheeks, and the smell of lavender washes over me. I change into pajamas and then snuggle under the covers. There were plenty of complaints about the fact we’re leaving so early tomorrow, but I couldn’t be more thrilled. It’s later than I ordinarily get up, and I’m eager to leave the emotional turmoil of this weekend behind. Caleb kissing me like that, in front of all his friends . . .

  It doesn’t matter, I chastise myself. It doesn’t change anything. Because everyone knows Caleb Winters is destined for big, impressive things, and I’m . . . not.

  NINETEEN

  __________________________________

  I didn’t hate Caleb before, I realize. His presence annoyed me plenty, but it never felt like this. The aftermath of the senior trip is how it feels when you can’t stand to be in someone’s presence.

  He texts me. Exactly one week after he kissed me because of Ryan’s dare.

  I’ll do the introduction and imagery, it reads. You can do the rest? At least he had the decency to include a question mark, but I know it’s not up for discussion.

  Fine, I reply. He never does. At least we managed to complete the essay component and most of the presentation weeks ago. Cassie and her partner are meeting every day after school to try to get it done. Normally, the stress of having an uncompleted project so close to the deadline would be giving me some major anxiety, but the thought of having to spend any time
working in close proximity with Caleb overshadows it entirely. I’m happy to finish it separately, like he suggested.

  The last week of classes sneaks up on me. One minute the whole of high school was stretching in front of me. Now? There’s a tinge of nostalgia. The last paper meeting. Emptying out my locker. Events I looked forward to until they arrived.

  I start dreading my presentation with Caleb pretty far in advance. Somehow, it feels like the end of a chapter. Pun intended.

  When the day arrives, I don’t pay close attention to any of the pairs that go before us, only registering where I am when Mr. Tanner calls our names. I’m here; I’m present, but my mouth is just spitting out the words it knows it needs to say, with little input from my brain.

  The presentation ends, Caleb hands in our paper, and then I return to my seat next to Cassie. “Nice job,” she whispers to me.

  I manage a weak smile before zoning out again. Only two more partners have time to present before the bell rings.

  “If you didn’t present today, be ready next class,” Mr. Tanner calls. “Make sure you’re preparing for the final next week, too. Mr. Winters. Ms. Matthews. Stay after, please,” he adds.

  I gulp. Our presentation was perfect. Well, almost perfect. I’m pretty certain it was obvious to Mr. Tanner, and our classmates, that Caleb and I did not collaborate on our presentation. At all. We were flawless, but disjointed. Separate. Removed. I’m worried Mr. Tanner is about to call us on it, and there’s zero chance that will end well.

  Cassie gives me a sympathetic look before heading out into the hallway with the rest of our class. Minus Caleb, who lingers at his desk as well.

  In a silent agreement, we both head to Mr. Tanner’s desk at the head of the classroom once the room clears. “It seems like you two could use another five minutes to talk,” Mr. Tanner states. Not what I was expecting. And way worse than a lecture.

  “That’s okay,” I’m quick to say.

  At the same time, Caleb speaks. “Not necessary.”

  Our rushed voices mingle, creating a cacophony of urgent sound I doubt results in Mr. Tanner understanding a single word. “Maybe ten,” he amends, with a small smile. Our project is done, so his only motivation could be a desire for Caleb and me to break through the brick wall currently stacked between us. It’s sweet. Or it would be, if his misguided intent wasn’t about to result in me having to participate in a conversation with Caleb.

  “Five’s plenty,” Caleb states.

  Mr. Tanner’s lips quirk, and then he grabs his bag and heads out into the hallway. The door clangs shut behind him, and then there’s silence. I study Mr. Tanner’s spotless desk, where all the books we’ve read this semester are stacked in alphabetical order. Look at the smudge of marker that wasn’t quite erased from the whiteboard. A robin flitters between tree branches outside the window, and I track its flight closely. Anything to avoid looking at Caleb.

  The silence between us builds and expands until I can’t take it any longer. “I think the presentation went well,” I say in a low voice.

  “Don’t, Lennon. Just don’t.”

  “What? You’d rather stand here in silence?” My tone is petulant.

  “Actually, yeah. I would.” His is hard.

  “Too bad. I know things are awkward between us, but—”

  Caleb lets out a disparaging snort. “Awkward? Are you serious?”

  “Yes!” I insist. “It’s not like we’ve ever even dated, Caleb. Even if we had, that wouldn’t give you any right to make decisions about my life.”

  He scoffs. “One minute I think—” Then, he pauses. “‘Even if we had?’ What does that mean? You would have considered it?”

  I’m a bit flummoxed by the question. “I mean, I—you never asked,” I deflect.

  “I would have years ago if I thought you’d ever say yes.” The words are quiet, but they pack a lot of weight. Never, not once, during our weeks of conversations and kissing, did Caleb ever allude to already having feelings for me. Positive ones, at least. I just assumed that, like me, his opinion changed during our time working on the article and the English project we just completed. I also realize Caleb thinks any emotions I have towards him are linked to the excuses I flung at him on the senior trip. Lust. Boredom. He has no idea I’m in this just as deep as he is.

  “Oh. I didn’t, um, know that.”

  Caleb’s expression turns wry. “Yeah, I got that, Matthews.”

  “I—” Don’t know what to say.

  The classroom door swings open, and Andrew walks in. He comes to an abrupt halt when he sees me and Caleb. “Oh. Hey, guys. Sorry to interrupt. I’m, uh, early for class.”

  Any other time, I would smile at that. But it turns out he’s not all that early. Other people start to enter the classroom, and then one leaves. I stare at Caleb’s retreating back.

  “Um, Lennon, while you’re here . . . ” Reluctantly, I shift my gaze to Andrew. “You know we normally publish a list of where everyone’s headed in the fall for the graduation issue, and I don’t have anything down for you . . . ” Andrew lets his voice trail off, looking incredibly uncomfortable.

  “There’s nothing to put. I’m not going anywhere in the fall.”

  “Right, okay.” Andrew still looks awkward. “And also, well, we ordinarily publish the valedictorian’s speech, too . . . ”

  I give him a blank look. “What does that have to do with me?”

  “Well, according to Principal Owens you’re ranked second in our class.” He gives me a questioning look, obviously wondering why I’m ranked number two yet not attending college, but too polite to ask outright.

  “Yeah, I’m ranked second. Meaning I won’t be valedictorian.”

  “Well, yes, technically you’re not first right now, but you’re close enough to Caleb that based on how you both do on finals, you might swap spots.”

  “Wait, what?”

  “Yeah, I thought you knew . . . ” Once again, his voice dwindles, since it’s pretty obvious I didn’t know.

  Mrs. Clemens enters the room to teach her class and gives me an odd look, obviously wondering why I’m in her classroom and not in her class.

  “Anyway, if you end up being valedictorian, I’m going to need a copy of your speech,” Andrew rushes, obviously eager to get this conversation over with.

  “Fine,” I agree. Then, something else occurs to me. “Why didn’t you tell Caleb this, too? He was just in here.”

  “Yeah, but he didn’t exactly look like he was in the mood to chat,” Andrew replies, eyeing me speculatively. “Plus, I’ve got more faith in you, Lennon.”

  There was a time when those words would have set a competitive fire blazing inside of me. A chance to beat Caleb? The opportunity to show every attendee of Landry High’s graduation I’m more than the daughter of a drug user and a gambling addict?

  Right now there’s not even the slightest spark. I give Andrew a small smile, and then head out into the hallway. It’s empty. Everyone else is already in their next class, or in the cafeteria.

  I’m not sure how long my conversations with Caleb and Andrew took, but there’s no line at the lunch counter when I enter the cafeteria, which has never happened before. I glance up at the large, round clock that hangs above the windows that look out over the pond and baseball field. Lunch is half over.

  Without permission, my eyes dart to Caleb’s usual table in the corner next. He’s seated with his back to me, talking to Colt, who’s across the table from him. Madison is next to Colt, and she glances up and catches me staring. I quickly look away and hurry towards my own table, which is talking excitedly about something. Cassie is waving her arms around.

  “That took some time,” Cassie comments when I drop down on the bench seat, lowering her arms.

  “Yeah,” I sigh.

  “Everything okay?” she queries.

  “Fine. What were you guys discussing?” I ask.

  Cassie gives me a concerned look. Shannon’s the one who answers my question.
“Prom!”

  “Oh. Cool.” Cassie rolls her eyes at my lack of enthusiasm. “It’s not until . . . ” I grasp for a date, and can’t come up with one, earning me another eye roll from Cassie.

  “It’s on Friday, Lennon. You better be at my house by four.”

  I open my mouth to say I’m not going, and then reconsider. Isn’t prom one of those rites of passage people talk about?

  “You should come, Lennon,” Shannon says, and Eliza and Tina chime in with their agreement. I recall my conversation with Caleb at prom last year. Actually attending couldn’t be worse than that.

  “Okay, I’ll go,” I agree. Cassie claps her hands excitedly. “I guess I’ll need to go shopping this week.” There’s no guess about it. My wardrobe is all fleece and denim. The only dress I own is the one I wore to Caleb’s grandfather’s funeral, and I’m guessing prom is going to have a very different vibe.

  Cassie waves my words away. “No need. I have tons of dresses that you can wear. I bought three dresses for prom last year that ended up being too long.”

  Sometimes I forget how wealthy Cassie, and almost everyone else I attend school with, is. I’m always hyperaware of it when I’m with Caleb. He’s the starkest example, and also the person I most wish was on more equal footing with me. It would be a lot easier to believe what he told me on the camping trip—and today—if there wasn’t such a glaring inequity between us. Not just when it comes to money. Opportunities. Possibilities.

  “Okay. Thanks,” I tell Cassie, marveling over what it must be like to buy a bunch of dresses and then never even wear them.

  *****

  Three days later, I wave goodbye to Gramps and then knock on Cassie’s front door. He insisted on driving me over to her house. He’s never mentioned it, but I’m guessing he knows I never actually made it to prom last year, despite what I told him. Leaving in my dad’s old sweatshirt and a pair of jeans was probably a bit of a giveaway. Although, that is what I’m wearing now, since I have yet to see Cassie’s dress options.