I Love You, Always

by Natalie Ward

  “What are you thinking about?” she eventually whispers to me.

  I open my eyes and find her looking at me, a half smile on her face as though she finds something amusing. “You,” I whisper back, leaning down to kiss her lips.

  “What about me?” she asks, having absolutely no idea.

  How much I love you…

  I kiss my way across her jaw, placing my other hand gently on her cheek and holding her to me. My thumb brushes against her lips as I pull her closer. With my mouth against her ear, I whisper so only she can hear. “I’m thinking about how much I want you, Asha. How much you drive me crazy with wanting you. How all I see every time I close my eyes is your body under mine and my fingers as they move all over your soft skin...”

  I hear her soft groan, feel the bite of her teeth on my thumb as she tries to stifle it so the others won’t hear. I’m so turned on right now, but I just can’t bring myself to stop. I can’t stop myself from telling her these things. She is all that I want, all that I need. And I really need her to know that. “I want to run my tongue over every inch of your body, Ash, taste every single part of you.” My voice is barely a whisper as my lips trace the outline of her ear.

  She squirms in my lap, only making the situation worse as she rubs up against me in all the right ways. “Luke…” I hear her say, breathless.

  “Yes?” I ask, gently nibbling on the skin below her ear.

  “I think we should go to bed now,” she whispers, repeating the same words she said to me as we lay on my couch that evening, after the very first night we spent together.

  Without saying a word to the others, I stand up, holding Ash in my arms and walk us both inside to our bedroom.

  Where I do exactly what I just told her I wanted to do.

  Track 3 (A side) – I Need To Tell You

  I can never explain all that I feel, to you

  I can never show everything that I feel, to you

  But I need to tell you

  How much I want you, how much I need you

  How much I love you

  ∞

  The needle is incessant and even though it’s not the first time I’ve had this done, it’s still irritating. The problem is the location, my chest. There’s not a lot of padding, so you feel every fucking prick, right to the bone. Still, I think the one down my side was the worst, especially over the ribs.

  “Almost done, Luke,” the guy says to me.

  I grin up at him. “I’m cool,” I say, clenching my fists as he continues stabbing the ink filled gun into my body. It will all be worth it when it’s done anyway.

  “It’s a cool design you know, unique.”

  I take a deep breath, as the needle seems to hit a rib. “Yeah, not really into the whole name tattooed across my heart. Wanted something different, but something she would still know was for her.”

  “She seen it then?” the guy asks me.

  I smile. “She’s seen it in parts yeah, don’t think she knows exactly how it’s going to look though. Doesn’t know it’s a tattoo,” I say, laughing a little. “She doesn’t even know I’m here getting it done right now.”

  The guy laughs. “Surprise then?”

  I look up at him and answer, “Yep.”

  “Very cool,” he says, finally putting the gun down. “Alright, we’re all done here.”

  I roll my shoulders as I’m finally able to move. Almost an hour stuck in a chair, holding still while a needle pounds relentlessly into my chest is certainly not my ideal way to spend the morning. I walk over to the full-length mirror the guy has hanging in his shop and when I see what he’s done; the past hour no longer matters.

  “Fuck…” I whisper to myself. It looks amazing, really amazing. So much better than I ever thought it would. I lift my fingers, wanting to touch it, but keep them away from my skin. The black ink is perfect and the letters of her name entwined in the symbol of infinity leave me speechless. He’s added some extra stuff around it too and it just looks fucking unbelievable.

  “What do ya think?” the guy asks, coming to stand beside me.

  I turn back to face him as he hands me the cream I know I need to put on it. “It’s perfect, fucking amazing actually. Seriously, thank you.”

  He smiles at me as he says, “Good to hear. Come and let me stick a bandage on it for ya.”

  “You don’t want a shot for your wall?” I ask him, nodding towards the wall of polaroids the guy has in his shop.

  I look over the thousands of designs he’s got stuck up there. Some of them are unoriginal, the kind of thing you see on every second person, the usual bunch of Chinese symbols, butterflies and random Celtic bands. But there are others that are far cooler. I watch as he looks over all of them before he eventually turns back to me. “Nah, as much as I’d love to, Luke, I think this one’s too personal and I wouldn’t want anyone taking it from you.”

  I watch as he rips up the trace he used to create the design. “You’re sure?” I ask.

  “Yeah, I’m sure. This one’s all yours.”

  I smile as I walk towards him and let him cover Asha’s gift with a bandage. “Thanks man, I really appreciate it.”

  Once I’m done, I pull on my jacket and beanie and walk out into the cold morning, heading back towards the city. I’m half tempted to go to work and see Ash, just because I want to. The thought of her there and me not there with her just does something to me. It’s a strange feeling to miss someone this much, even though it’s only been a couple of hours since I last saw her. I’ve never had anyone to miss before, never had anyone who would miss me either. But, if I go and see her now, I know I won’t leave. I’ll end up staying at the shop, probably working and then I’ll never get the rest of the stuff organised for her birthday.

  By five I’m done, so I head down to pick Ash up. Walking in, I see her standing at the counter laughing with Sarah as she cleans the coffee machine. She hasn’t noticed me yet, and as I stand here watching her, all I can think is how beautiful she is, so fucking beautiful. Watching her talk and laugh with Sarah is amazing, and so very different to that first time when I walked out and saw her standing in front of this very coffee machine.

  Before I’d even met her, Sarah had told me Ash never really spoke to anyone, that she kept to herself and they weren’t really friends. Knowing what I now know, I understand why. I don’t understand her logic and I don’t believe for one second that Asha does what she thinks she does, but I get why she withdrew from everyone and everything. I know the feeling of not wanting to be hurt by someone or something anymore. You get sick of life kicking you in the gut and sometimes it’s easier to just shut down and walk away. That sometimes fighting everything you’re up against just isn’t worth it anymore.

  Because you can’t change what doesn’t want to be changed. No matter how badly you might want to.

  So you take the easy route and leave, you walk away and you shut yourself off, to protect yourself. It’s what I did. I know it’s what she did too. I know sometimes, it feels like it’s the only thing you can do.

  But watching her now, watching her laugh and smile and be happy. I’m so fucking glad she’s not there anymore. I’m so very glad that she’s happy again, because she makes me happier than I have ever been in my life and I really want to be able to do that for her too.

  Sarah notices me and I watch her smile in my direction and Ash turn to see what she’s looking at. Watching her whole face light up when she sees me is without a doubt the best thing in the world and in this single second, I know, life doesn’t get any better than this.

  And all of the shit that’s happened to me, all of it, has been worth it for the look she’s giving me right now. Because it’s all of the shit that’s happened to me, which has led me to her, and she is worth absolutely everything. I smile back as I walk towards her and pull her into my arms.

  “Hey,” she says to me, before I silence her with my mouth on hers.

  We kiss like we are alone in the store and I honestly don’
t care if we’re not. It’s only been six hours or something, but God I’ve missed her, so fucking much. “Mmmm, I missed you,” I whisper against her lips.

  She smiles before she kisses me once more and pulls me towards the back of the shop. I wordlessly follow her as she drags me to the staff room, wondering if I’m possibly going to be able to keep the tattoo a secret until her birthday. I only have to last until midnight, but the way she’s looking at me has me thinking I’m not gonna last the next five minutes.

  “Are you all ready to go tonight,” she asks, distracting me. Looking around at where we are now, alone in the staff room and me itching to touch her, all I can think is, I want you. “Luke? You ready?”

  “Uh huh,” is all I can get out, as my hand rubs over my chest, at what I got done for her today. It’s all I’m thinking about now, maybe because my chest still aches, maybe because of the way she’s looking at me. Or maybe it’s because I’ve been apart from her today and this ache isn’t just the tattoo, it’s the ache of having missed her. I watch as Ash looks at me, confusion all over her face.

  “What’s going on?” she asks.

  I take two steps towards her. “I got something for you today,” I say. I have to show her this now. I know that trying to wait until it’s actually her birthday is so not happening anymore.

  “Really?” she asks, still confused.

  I smile at her. “Yeah really, do you wanna see it?” I’m close enough to touch her and I see my hand reach out and tuck her hair behind her ear. An electric charge runs through my whole body at the contact.

  “Okay,” she answers, unsure.

  I keep watching her as I reach down and lift my shirt up to show her. When she sees the bandage, I hear her gasp. “It’s all okay, Asha,” I whisper as I peel the bandage back, never taking my eyes off her face.

  I watch as her eyes move to my chest and see what I’ve done for her. The shock is immediate and her eyes quickly flick to mine before going back to the tattoo. I watch as her hand comes up to her mouth, smothering another gasp and while I don’t regret getting it done, not for one second, I’m dying to know what she thinks because she’s not saying anything.

  I let her keep looking at it for a minute before I smooth the bandage back over it. And that’s when I feel her, her arms and legs wrapping themselves around me. I can’t help but laugh as I realise her shocked silence is a good thing, but then her mouth on mine smothers my laugh. She’s kissing me now, and she is kissing me hard.

  Her arms are wrapped so tight around me that a moan escapes, without me even realising. I wrap my arms around her, pull her against me as I turn and back her up against the door, lifting her so her legs wrap around my waist. Leaning into her so she can feel exactly what she’s doing to me, I kiss her and I kiss her hard, deep. I kiss her in a way that lets her know just how far I’m willing to go with this right now.

  She’s letting out all of these soft moans as I do and I’m getting more and more turned on with every single one of them. I know we should take this home, but right now, I can’t move and I don’t fucking care. I feel her fingers move to the bandage on my chest and I have to pull back a fraction, just wanting to know.

  “Do you like it?” I whisper.

  I watch her face as she says, “I love it,” in a voice that’s so sexy I can barely breathe.

  I can’t stop my smile now. “Good, because I love you, Asha, I really love you,” I tell her, resting my forehead against hers, needing her to understand just how much she means to me. I’m holding her eyes with mine, neither of us closing the last little gap between us. I feel like I’m seeing right inside her, right into her heart, her soul. And all of the things I’m seeing there are the exact same things I’m feeling.

  That I want her.

  That I need her.

  That I love her.

  “Luke,” she whispers to me, “I love you too.”

  I smile at her before I lean in and kiss her again. “Let’s get out of here, Ash,” I whisper, needing to take her home and to bed and to show her how much I love her, how much I’ve always loved her.

  How this tattoo is not just a permanent reminder of the love that I have for her. But that it is a part of her, a part of her that is now a part of me.

  Forever.

  Track 4 (A side) – A Second In Time

  If I could have stopped that moment

  If we could have changed time

  It would’ve been a night to remember

  Instead of a second when I nearly lost what is mine

  ∞

  Ash and I finally make it to the club for our big show and when we do, Ben is immediately on at us, trying to find out where Jared is. “He didn’t come with you?” he asks.

  “No, I don’t even know if he was at home,” I tell him. “Did you see him?” I ask, glancing down at Ash.

  She shakes her head at me, smiling as she leans in to whisper, “I was pretty distracted by other things at home.” I smile as I lean in and kiss her. I probably wouldn’t have noticed if Jared was sitting on the end of the bed actually, that’s how distracted I was.

  “Start texting him,” Ben says, his voice on edge.

  “He’ll be here, Ben, don’t worry,” I say as I pull out my phone.

  “He fucking better be,” Ben says, calling him. I hear the where the fuck are you message he leaves for Jared and laugh as he immediately sends a text which probably says the same thing. I’m kinda wondering the same thing though, wondering where Mia is as well. I can’t help thinking they might be together somewhere, hopefully working things out.

  When Jared and Mia do finally show up, my thoughts are pretty much confirmed. Jared has the biggest fucking smile on his face and Mia looks happier than I’ve seen her in a long time, probably since she was last with Jared. I’m about to ask, but don’t get a chance, Ben immediately pulling us all over to meet the record executives. He’s done so much to get this organised, I still can’t believe we are actually going to get to play for them. Tonight of all nights.

  He’s all business as he introduces us to them, so different to how he normally is; the laid back guy who doesn’t give a shit about anything or what anyone thinks of him. As we all stand around talking, they ask us about where we see ourselves going, what we’d want from a record deal and just about music in general. Nothing is promised and I know it’s still just a dream, but the whole thing feels so unbelievably surreal. I can’t even begin to imagine what it will feel like if this does happen for us. I feel Ash’s hand as her fingers slide into my belt loop, her thumb slipping under my shirt and I glance down at her, standing just behind me with Mia, Pete, and Sarah. The four of them are talking together and I get the feeling Ash hasn’t even realised she’s touched me. And I love that.

  We are due to go on in a half hour, so the four of us start to set up on stage. Damien had suggested he get someone to do it for us, but it didn’t seem right. Doing it ourselves is what we’ve always done and although no one said it, I don’t think we wanted to jinx it by suddenly changing things.

  “Need any help?” Ash asks me.

  I smile as I walk towards her, wrapping my arms around her shoulders and pulling her against me. “All set, beautiful.”

  She presses up on her toes and kisses me lightly. “I’m going to watch from here, okay?”

  “Wherever you want is fine with me. I just want you to be here.”

  She smiles now. “I’m not going anywhere, Luke, not at all.”

  I lean down and kiss her once more before we have to go on. I feel her arms tighten around me and it’s only Ben slapping me on the shoulder that pulls me away from her. As I turn to walk onto the stage, I feel her hand pull me back, her lips at my ear; her words of I love you. It makes me smile as I realise music isn’t the only dream that’s come true for me these past few days.

  When I walk up to the microphone to begin, I glance back at Ash and see her standing with Mia, smiling at me. I shoot them a quick grin before turning back to the audience. I
introduce the band to them, even though most of the people in the room already know who we are. We play here so often and the crowd is full of regulars, who not only know us, but know all the lyrics to our songs too. But tonight, that’s a really good thing, because it’s a chance to show these record label people that not only do we have fans, but they’re what make our shows amazing.

  Because there’s nothing quite like hearing a crowd singing the words you’ve created, back to you. Watching them jump in time to the beat we play, screaming back the words and even filling in when I take a step back from the mic. It’s unbelievable and if I think playing in a room like this is amazing, I cannot even begin to imagine what a stadium full of people would be like. Can’t believe that after tonight, that possibility might just become a reality.

  We kick off with an old song, one we play all the time and after that, the show passes by in a blur. It’s fast and frantic and almost hard to remember, but we all know it’s a good one. There’s an energy in the air tonight that could be due to the record label people, the bigger than usual crowd, or just the fact that all of us are high off what could possibly happen. When we eventually come off stage after an encore, I wrap myself around Asha and it isn’t long before we’re surrounded by everyone. Me, Ash, Mia, Jared, Ben, Sarah, Steve, and Pete, and it’s fucking perfect.

  Afterwards we are dragged into the club to meet with the record people, who are smiling at us and saying things like, “We’d like to sit down and talk,” and, “Fly out to L.A. and record.” My mind is racing and the four of us are grinning like fucking idiots as we start to believe the things they’re telling us.

  Eventually, I glance at my phone and see it’s midnight. I excuse myself from the group, let go of Ash’s hand and slide my arm around her shoulders, pulling her against me. “Come with me, beautiful girl.”

  She looks up at me smiling and I drag her away from all of the people surrounding us, heading towards the back of the club for a chance at a minute of peace and quiet. I spot the door to the back room where all of our stuff is being stored and pull her in, closing it behind us.