I Love You, Always

by Natalie Ward

  And I get what she’s saying to me now. She doesn’t want me to fight for her, she wants me to fight against all of the anger and hurt and guilt that she knows is buried inside me. She wants me to let it all go, all the guilt and anger I have that this was my fault, that I could’ve prevented it from happening or stopped her from doing it. I’ve never admitted these things to her, but it’s like she knows it’s how I’m feeling right now. And she knows, because she used to feel it all too.

  “I did what I had to, Luke, you know that. I did what I had to so I could finally start to live again.”

  God, it’s like she’s reading my mind and I believe her, I really do. She is so different since that night. I don’t know how to explain it, we’ve never even left the apartment since she came home, but she’s just so different. It’s amazing because now, not only do I see life in her eyes, I see strength and fight too. The strength and fight that she never used to believe she had. Now, she really looks like she wants to be here and wants to fight for this, that she will fight for all of it. And I want to fight this too; I want to stop these nightmares. I just wish I knew how.

  I open my mouth to speak but Ash kisses me now, in a way that slowly starts to make my nightmare fade away. And all I can see and feel is Asha, alive and here with me, right now.

  I need to hold on to this feeling.

  Track 10 (A side) – It’s All An Illusion

  Can’t pretend that any of this is fine

  That it’s all just in my mind

  But piecing it back together only breaks my heart

  This shit, this nightmare, is ripping me apart

  ∞

  Mia walks into the living room and stands in front of the couch Ash and I are lying on as we watch TV. I glance up at my sister and see she looks worried. “What’s up?” I ask.

  Mia puts her hands on her hips and stares down at us and I have to fight a smile as I wait for her to try and tell me what it is I’m going to have to do. “Jared and I are taking off for a week or so to his parents’ place and we think you two should come with us.”

  I look down at Ash who just shrugs in response. After what happened last night, her finally catching me out in the nightmare, I thought she’d be all over this plan. “Why?” I ask, looking back at Mia.

  She takes a seat on the coffee table in front of us, blocking the TV so we are both forced to listen to her. “Why not?” she says. “Be nice to get away for a bit. And Jared’s mom is a doctor, so you know, you don’t need to worry about anything, Luke.”

  “Yeah maybe,” I say. “But maybe we should just stay here.”

  I kind of don’t want Ash to be anywhere that’s far from help, even though I know she’s not really in any danger now. The doctors were happy with her progress when we left the hospital, and even though she still has some stitches to be removed, things are good. Well, as good as they can be given what that fucking asshole did to her.

  “Why?” Mia asks, her voice a little firmer. “What do you need to stay for?”

  I glance at Ash again who says, “I don’t mind if we go.”

  I kind of get the feeling she really wants to go, but this is her way of forcing me to make the decision. To admit that getting out of here for a few days would actually be a really good idea. We haven’t left the apartment since she came home and I wonder if she thinks a change of scenery would help with my nightmares. It’s reverse psychology at its finest and it makes me smile.

  “Why do you want us to go?” I ask Mia, wondering if there’s something more to this. I watch as she takes a deep breath, glancing first at Ash and then back at me. “What is it?” I ask her again.

  “I quit my job,” Mia says. “I just told them.”

  “Yeah, and?” I ask, not really understanding what this has to do with us.

  “I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before Dad finds out,” she says. “And given what happened last time I tried to quit…” Mia trails off and it finally clicks. Shit.

  “You think he’d show up here?” Ash asks, reading my mind.

  Mia looks over at her. “I certainly wouldn’t put it past him.”

  I exhale, running my hand over my head. I wouldn’t put it past him either. Just the threat of Mia quitting her job a year ago was enough to get Dad taking pretty serious action. I can’t imagine what he will do when he finds out she actually has. Especially when he finds out she’s done it so she can be with Jared and worse still, leave with both of us to go to L.A. and make this album. Maybe getting out of here for a while would be a smart move, because I sure as fuck don’t want to run the risk of him showing up when Ash is here, especially like this.

  “Yeah, me either,” I murmur, looking down at Ash.

  “You want to go now?” she asks, and I know she knows I do.

  “Do you mind?”

  She shakes her head. “Of course not, it will be nice and if it makes you feel better, if it helps, then I think we should.” She’s looking right at me now and I know she’s not just referring to Dad maybe showing up. She’s talking about last night, and all the nights before that. Last night was only one of many, but all of which I now know she knows about. So much for me protecting her from them.

  I exhale loudly. “What about the cops?” I ask her.

  “What about them?” she answers, her arm tightening around my waist.

  “When they find the guy?” If they find the guy is more like it, because the way things are now, I’m not holding out much hope that they will. And it fucking pisses me off to think this guy will get away with it; that he won’t pay for what he did to Asha.

  “Luke,” she says quietly. “It’s okay, they’ll call when they find something.”

  I look down and see my arm has tightened around her waist and I immediately loosen it. Fuck, she’s still got stitches; I need to be more careful. “Sorry,” I whisper, leaning down to gently kiss her.

  I feel Ash’s hand on the back of my neck, holding me to her. “It’s okay, really. But let’s get out of here for a while, okay? Let’s just go and forget everything that’s happened. Have a break and relax, away from all this.”

  There’s nothing I want more, but right now I have no fucking idea how the hell I’m supposed to relax, let alone try and forget everything that’s happened. But I don’t tell Ash this. I can’t, because all I care about is getting her back on her feet, getting her better and finding the fucker who did this to her and making him pay. And if being away, on the off chance my fuckhead father shows up, then right now, I’ll take it. Right now, I’d take anything good happening. But I keep all of this to myself and instead I smile, kiss her again and say, “Okay, sounds like a good idea.”

  We leave the following morning, Jared renting a car so we can head up whenever we’re ready and not worry about the trains. I’m actually excited about his parents meeting Ash, because they are so much like family to me now that it seems natural to introduce them to the woman who has changed my life. I know they will be excited to have Mia back, too. They love her, Jared’s mom in particular, like the daughter they don’t have. I’m glad because fuck knows our mother made Mia’s life hell.

  “You two ready?” Jared asks, standing in the doorway to our room.

  “Yep,” I say, glancing at Ash, who’s sitting on the bed. She nods in agreement, standing up and walking towards me. I sling an arm around her shoulders as I pick up our bag.

  “Come on, come on,” Mia yells from the front door, hurrying us all up.

  Jared shakes his head, but he’s smiling. He of all people knows how stubborn and impatient my sister can be. And I’m guessing now that they’re finally back together, she’s just as excited to get up there and see his parents too. They are the closest thing either of us has to a family.

  We lock up the apartment and head downstairs. Ash and I sit in the back seat and as we head out of the city, Mia twists around in the front, so she’s facing us. “You know, Ash, this is where it all began for me and Jared, at his parents’ place.”

/>   Ash smiles, her hand squeezing mine. “Really, I don’t think I know this story.”

  Mia smiles as she turns back to face the front, leaning over to turn the music down, so she can fill her in. “Jared had taken Luke up to his parents’ place to recover,” she starts.

  “Wait, what, recover?” she asks.

  My fingers squeeze hers now, as I turn to look at Ash. “This all started after Dad showed up,” I say quietly.

  “Oh,” she says, leaning over to kiss me. She knows that story, I’ve told it to her. I’ve told her everything she’s ever asked me about, there are no secrets between us. But she probably doesn’t know the other part of this story, the part that changed everything for the two people in the front seat of the car.

  “Yeah, so anyway,” Mia says, moving on before any of us can think about the real reason for that trip. “I’d been trying to call and text Luke and obviously he wasn’t in a position to answer. I had no clue what was going on, but finally, this guy,” she says, her hand sliding to the back of Jared’s neck.

  I watch as he glances at her and smiles, shaking his head as he murmurs, “This fucking guy, come on.”

  Mia leans over and kisses his cheek and I shake my head at the two of them. How the fuck they ever thought they were keeping being together a secret from me, I’ll never know. It was so obvious, I think I knew how they both felt about each other before they even did.

  “Yeah, this guy,” Mia says laughing as she messes up his hair with her fingers. “He finally answered Luke’s phone and told me what had happened.”

  “And lured you up here?” Ash says, laughing at the two of them.

  Mia laughs. “Sort of. I flew out that day and when I walked into the living room and saw him, well, my life completely changed in an instant.”

  “It did?” Jared asks, genuinely surprised as he glances at my sister.

  I watch as Mia pokes her tongue out at him and says, “You know it did. I walked in, I saw you, and I fell hard.” Jared smiles at her words and I know she wasn’t the only one. “The problem was,” Mia says, turning to face us again. “I wasn’t sure dating my brother’s best friend was a smart idea. So for a while I tried to fight it, then I tried to hide it, then we just gave in and went for it. Luckily, Luke was okay with all of it.”

  Ash squeezes my hand again. “I remember you telling me that,” she says, and I know she’s talking about our trip to the Cape when she first noticed things between Jared and Mia. They weren’t even together back then, but like I said, they were never able to hide their feelings about each other.

  “Yeah,” I say, smiling back at her. “These two idiots thought they were hiding it from me, but they weren’t fooling anyone.”

  “Well you could’ve fucking told us earlier,” Jared says now, glancing in the rear view mirror. “Would have saved us a lot of the sneaking around, you know,” he adds on, smiling.

  “I thought you liked that,” Mia says, her hand pushing Jared’s hair back.

  “Baby, you know I loved it,” he says, glancing over at her. “I love every second of being with you.”

  “Fuck me,” I murmur, rolling my eyes at the pair of them.

  “Hey,” Ash says, pulling on my arm, so I slide closer to her. “It’s sweet, and I for one, am glad you two finally sorted all of your shit out. Watching you both, in just the short amount of time I’ve known you, was painful.”

  “Yeah,” Jared says. “I know what you mean.”

  A silence fills the car now and I’m guessing both Mia and Jared are thinking back over the last year. The year they spent apart and angry at each other and all because of my stupid fucking father. My stupid father who is the reason I met Jared in the first place, the reason I ended up at Jared’s parents’ house a year later and the reason we are heading up there now. The man just seems to have a way of fucking up lives and he’s certainly done it plenty of times to not just me, but the two people sitting in the front seat.

  “Well,” Ash suddenly says. “Now everything is how it should be, and your dad,” she says, pressing a quick kiss to my cheek. “Is not going to fuck up anyone’s life, anymore.”

  “Damn straight,” Jared says, and I know he means it. There’s not a chance in hell this guy is ever letting anything come between him and Mia again, certainly not my father.

  “So tell me, Jared,” Ash says, smiling as she tries to lighten the mood. “What was it about Mia that did it for you?”

  Jared laughs now as he glances at my sister again. She’s smiling back at him, eagerly waiting for his answer as well. I shake my head at the pair of them, idiots.

  “Well, obviously, she’s fucking hot,” Jared says, and I can’t help but groan. “But, I think what really did it for me, was when she kicked my ass at Guitar Hero, after that I was a total goner.”

  “Wait, what?” I say, shocked. I’ve not heard about this before. “Mia beat you at Guitar Hero?”

  Mia laughs now, her fingers running through Jared’s hair again. “No, big brother, not just beat, totally kicked his ass. It was pathetic really, just how easy it was, especially when he was so cocky at the beginning and all.”

  “Baby, please, like I wasn’t letting you win,” Jared says, the smile on his face telling me he probably wasn’t and he totally doesn’t care anyway.

  “Whatever you have to tell yourself,” Mia whispers, leaning over to kiss him.

  I turn to look at Ash and see she’s smiling at them. Squeezing her fingers, she turns to face me. “You think we’re like that?” she asks, gesturing into the front seat.

  “Please,” Mia suddenly says, turning to face us. “You two are a million times worse.”

  “Whatever,” I say, leaning in and kissing Ash on the lips now. I couldn’t care less how we look to others. I only care about how I look to this woman sitting beside me now. The woman who is the end result of the journey I took when I walked out of my old life and into this one. She makes everything that happened to me worthwhile. She makes this trip I took nearly six years ago, to this very house, so worthwhile.

  And this time, coming back here with her, will be creating a new memory of this trip and this place. Even if the reason we’re going there is eerily similar to before.

  Track 11 (B side) – Broken Soul

  Beaten, broken, destroyed on the outside

  I’ll never show what you did to the inside

  Cuts and bruises and broken bones can all heal

  But my soul, the deepest part of me, is not yours to steal

  ∞

  “What the fuck do you think you’re doing?”

  I look up as I throw the last of my clothes in my bag and see Jared walk into the room. I feel like shit, as though my legs are going to collapse beneath me, and I’m either going to throw up or pass out. Possibly both. But I need to get out of here. I can’t stay in this place because I can’t afford it, and even though the doctors have told me I shouldn’t be leaving, I’ve signed myself out, against medical advice. Fuck it, I don’t have a choice.

  “Shouldn’t you be at work?” I ask him, avoiding his question and his stare.

  “Nope,” he answers reaching over to pick up my bag. “And like I said, what the fuck do you think you’re doing?”

  I take one last look around the room I’ve spent three days in. Three days, which I can’t afford but which have been paid for anyway. I pick up the bag containing the drugs I can’t afford either and turn back to face Jared.

  “Why aren’t you at work, J?”

  He shakes his head at me. “Come on Luke, forget about me and why I’m not at work. Why don’t you tell me what you’re doing? I know you shouldn’t be getting out of here today, the doctors told me it would be a couple more days.”

  I shake my head at him, knowing I can’t tell him the truth, because he will only try to convince me otherwise. Unfortunately, this movement results in a burst of pain, starting behind my left eye and radiating throughout my head. “Fuck,” I can’t help but whisper, as it starts to feel
like a nail is slowly being driven into my eyeball.

  Jared is staring at me as he exhales loudly. “See, this is why I’m not at fucking work. Dude, just tell me what’s going on?”

  “I can’t stay here, Jared,” I tell him, bile rising in my throat from the pain. “I can’t afford it. I’ll be fine, really.”

  Jared’s just staring at me, not saying a word and I’m not really sure what he’s thinking. I’ve known this guy about a year, and for the most part he says exactly what’s on his mind, which makes a nice change. My dad was always one of those people who made you guess through silence. Like I was supposed to interpret what he was thinking by the way he looked at me, or the length of time he didn’t bother speaking to me. Christ, just thinking about him makes me so pissed off that I really do think I’m going to be sick again. I sit down on the bed, in an attempt to try and get the room to stop spinning.

  “You’re really serious about getting out of here?” Jared finally asks, watching as I try to nod at him. “Even though I’ve told you not to worry about what this is costing?”

  I nod again, my hand on my forehead as though I can somehow stop my head from exploding. The pain is suddenly unbearable and as much as I’m thinking maybe staying in here is the smarter idea, I know I can’t.

  “You are a stubborn fucking shit, Luke, you do know that right?” Jared says, apparently unaware of what’s going on inside my head right now. I nod again and this time the pain is so bad, I know I have to stop moving all together. “Fine, if this is the way it’s gotta be, then I guess I’m gonna have to take matters into my own hands,” he says, pulling his cell phone out.

  “What are you doing?” I ask, my mouth suddenly dry as I decide lying back on the bed is a smart move before I throw up just from being vertical.

  “Don’t you worry about that,” Jared says, the phone at his ear. “You just pass out in peace and let me take care of this.”

  And then I must, because I don’t hear another word he says.