I Love You, Always

by Natalie Ward

  I shake my head, unable to comprehend how he can be so okay with that. “That doesn’t make any sense to me,” I murmur.

  Pete starts peeling the label off his bottle. “Maybe not, but I’m not changing who I am, so I can’t really expect my dad to change who he is either.”

  “But doesn’t it hurt,” I say, turning to face him. “Doesn’t it hurt the way he treats you, what he thinks of you? What he thinks of Steve?”

  Pete takes another long sip of his beer before he turns to face me. “More than you can imagine.”

  The three of us drink in silence now, none of us quite knowing what to say anymore. I don’t know how Pete lives the way he does, having a father who so obviously disapproves, but not just that, who doesn’t hide it either. I’ve heard about the things he says, the things he does. I even met him once and it was written all over his face, anyone could see it. But still, Pete keeps trying with him. I know he’s invited him out to L.A. for our show at the end of this and I just don’t get it. I can’t help but wonder what Steve thinks about it all. I know Ash would support any decision I made, that she would back me every time, and I guess it’s the same with Steve, regardless of whether he understands it. But then Ash had a father who adored her and Steve’s is totally cool with everything, including Pete. So for them, it’s very different.

  “Well, I’m going back to bed,” Pete suddenly says.

  I watch as he dumps his beer in the trash and starts to walk out of the kitchen. “Pete?” Ash says as he walks past us.

  “Yeah,” he answers.

  She smiles at him as she reaches out and grabs his hand. “You know you have a family here who loves you, right?”

  Pete smiles, winks at Ash before he leans in and kisses her on the cheek. “Yeah, I know I do, gorgeous girl. You just make sure this one knows it too,” he says clapping me on the shoulder.

  I stand up, gently easing Ash from my lap. “Thanks man, I appreciate it.”

  He shrugs as if it’s nothing. “No problem, Luke. Just don’t keep this shit from us, but especially from her,” he adds on, nodding at Ash. “Because it will only make the whole thing a hell of a lot worse.”

  I wrap my arm around Ash’s shoulder as I pull her against me. “Yeah,” I answer. “I know.”

  He smiles. “Good. Now get your ass to bed, you do have an album to make you know,” he says, before walking back up the stairs.

  I can’t help but smile as I sit back down, taking Ash with me.

  “He’s right, you know,” she says, taking a sip of her beer as she threads the fingers of her free hand through mine.

  “About what, beautiful?” I ask, leaning in to press a kiss to her lips. They’re cold and taste of beer.

  “About talking to me,” Ash says. “You can talk to me about anything, Luke. You don’t have to protect me from this, you know, I’m stronger than you think.”

  Her words make me smile. “Yeah, you are, Asha, and I do know this,” I say. “You are the strongest person I’ve ever met.” And she really is, now more than ever. “I promise I’ll talk to you, beautiful, I never meant to shut you out here,” I say, holding her eyes with mine.

  “I know you didn’t,” she says, smiling up at me. “I know what it’s like, Luke. Sometimes you just don’t want to talk to anyone at all.”

  I smile, remembering all the times I wished she’d have talked to me, back before we were ever together. “Yeah, I know. But we’re in this together, right?” I say, watching as she nods, knowing that we both feel the same way about this. Because for all the times I wanted to carry her burdens, I know I have to let her help me carry mine. I don’t need to protect her from any of this.

  Ash’s hand grabs my jaw, holding my cheeks so I can’t look away. She’s smiling at me though as she leans slightly closer. “We’re always in this together,” she says.

  I smile, closing the gap so my lips are against hers now. “We are, Asha, that I most certainly promise you.”

  And I know, with these words, this is a promise I’ll always keep.

  Track 22 (A side) - Drowning

  I feel like I’m drowning

  Can barely even breathe

  You’re forcing me under

  Because you’d prefer to suffocate me

  ∞

  “Fuck!”

  The frustration falls from my lips, amplified by the microphone. This is the fourth time I’ve fucked up in the last half hour, and that’s only today. It’s not even the same part of the song and none of this is hard. I’m just being a fucking idiot.

  “Fucking hell,” I say as I look at the guys apologetically.

  The three of them look back at me with understanding and patience, possibly even sympathy, which only makes me more pissed off. I don’t want their pity; I just want to get this fucking thing right.

  “Maybe we should take a break,” Steve says, adjusting the strap on his guitar.

  “No, it’s fine,” I say, running my hand over my head. “Let’s take it from the top, I’ll get it right this time.” I hope.

  My fingers move over the strings, playing the opening notes with ease because I’ve played them a million times before. There’s no reason why I should fuck this up.

  “Luke,” Jared says, his voice closer.

  “Come on, from the top,” I say, ignoring him. I glance at the others, see Ben nod at me from behind his drums, Steve shrug as if to say, okay.

  “Luke,” Jared says again.

  “What?” I ask, frustrated as I turn to him.

  “Let’s take a break,” he says, staring at me.

  I exhale, my hand on my head again. “No, let’s just get this done, Jared.”

  I watch as he shakes his head, sliding the guitar off his shoulders and putting it back in its stand before heading out of the studio. “We’re taking a break,” he says as he walks past me.

  I turn back to Ben and Steve, who are now both packing up as though they’re leaving too. For some reason this pisses me off, as though we’re just giving up, possibly ruining this chance we’ve been given. We don’t have much time left to get this album done, and we certainly don’t have time for all of my fuck ups.

  “Guys,” I say as they walk past me. “Come on, we need to work on this. I’ll get it right this time.”

  Ben and Steve both walk out of the studio without saying anything and I’m left standing in here alone, guitar around my neck and no one to record with.

  “Shit,” I say as I lift off the guitar Ash bought me, put it beside Jared’s and walk out. The rest of the guys are standing out by the desk. Jared has his arms crossed as though he’s waiting to rip me a new one. “What?” I ask him, not bothering to hide my annoyance.

  “Let’s get a drink,” he says to me.

  “Jared, come on man. We need to do this, let’s just go back in there and start again,” I say, not moving from the doorway.

  He shakes his head at me. “Nope, we’re done for today, Luke. And you,” he says, pointing at me now, “need a drink. Fuck, even I need a drink.”

  And then he turns and walks out, the other two following, and I’ve got no choice but to go with them or stand here like a complete fucking loser.

  As we walk out into the afternoon sun, I silently follow the three of them, not bothering to catch up. Jared heads straight down the block to the corner, where there’s a neighbourhood bar. It’s one we’ve been to a few times before, with the guys who help us mix the sounds. Today though, it’s just the four of us and I can’t help but wonder if words are going to be said, to me in particular. For the past week, ever since my dad showed up, things have been difficult. There’s an air of tension and frustration surrounding us, and it’s something that’s never been there before. It worries me because we’ve always been a solid unit, somehow all managing to agree on the type of music we want to play, the way we want to run the band, even the way we’ve approached this album. But during the past week, all of that has disappeared and we are on edge, frustrated with everything. Not t
o mention me constantly fucking things up.

  Jared pushes the door open and the three of us follow him in. He points to a large booth along the wall before heading over to the bar to get us some drinks. When he returns with beers for everyone, he takes a seat, looks me right in the eye and speaks. “Dude, I know that fuckhead has gotten to you, but you can’t let him. You can’t let him win, not this time, okay?”

  Of course Jared would get it. I’m not the only one my father has fucked over and I’m not the only one who will be struggling with the fact he’s suddenly reappeared. Knowing what he put Mia and Jared through, I can’t imagine that either of them are happy to see him. Jared’s reaction when he showed up at the front door last weekend made that blatantly obvious. As it was, I think my dad was lucky to walk away without Jared putting his fist through his face, God knows I was tempted to as well. The only thing that stopped me was that it would mean I was just as bad as him. And that is something I never want to be. Ever.

  “Luke?” Jared asks, breaking my train of thought.

  “Yeah,” I say, half acknowledging him, half agreeing with him.

  “Don’t let him get to you, man, and definitely don’t let him fuck this up for you,” he says. “You and I both know he’s not fucking worth it.”

  I finally look up at him and see he’s staring back at me. There’s no sympathy on his face now, no pity either. He’s looking at me with what I imagine is the exact same look that’s on my face right now. Pissed off. And buried beneath it, fear. Fear that he really could ruin this for us. And I’m not just talking about the album, but everything he’s gotten back with Mia too, everything I have with Ash. And although I know my sister is not running anymore, and I have no doubts about Asha, I also know that my father is a powerful man and when he wants something, he will stop at nothing to get it.

  I exhale loudly before taking a sip of my beer. “Yeah, I know,” I say directly to Jared. “I’m trying not to, okay, seriously.” I look around at all three of them. “I’m really sorry I keep fucking this up.”

  Steve smiles at me, clapping me on the back as he raises his beer in a toast. “What’s a rock band without a few fucking dramas in their past?”

  And as the four of us clink our bottles together I meet Jared’s stare again, nodding silently at him to acknowledge that I know this could very easily turn into a shit fight for him too. And I will do everything I can to stop that from happening.

  Three hours later, we’ve all had too many beers and none of us can drive home. Jared pulls out his phone and texts Mia and pretty soon her, Ash, and Pete walk into the bar and join us.

  Ash slides into the booth beside me and I wrap my arm around her shoulder, pulling her against me. I’m sure she knows something is wrong, but she doesn’t say anything, just smiles before she leans in and kisses me.

  I love her for that.

  We hang around for a few more hours, grabbing some dinner and a few more drinks. By the time we’re done, we are all squeezing into the back of the van so Pete, the only one sober enough, can drive us home. When we pull up to the house, Ash silently takes my hand and pulls me straight through to the backyard and down the path to the beach. She still hasn’t said anything about this afternoon, although I’m guessing she knows. I’m sure Jared told Mia, and Mia then told Ash.

  When we reach the sand, she pulls me down and we both sit in silence, her hand around my arm as she watches the waves roll in and the sun sink lower in the sky. Eventually, I realise I have to say something. I know Ash won’t ask me, it’s the way she gets me to talk, and once again it’s working.

  “I keep fucking up,” I say, my voice quiet. “Keep fucking up the songs because I can’t stop thinking about him, about the fact he’s back and once more fucking with my head.”

  Ash slides her hand into mine now, threading our fingers together as she continues to sit and look out at the ocean.

  “I don’t know how to stop thinking about him, how to get him out of my fucking head,” I continue, frustrated that I’m still reacting to him after all this time. “I have a million thoughts running through my brain, shit I haven’t thought about in years, and I just want to make it all stop.”

  “Maybe you should tell it all to him,” she eventually says, quietly.

  “What?” I say, looking at her.

  She turns to look at me, a worried smile on her face. I watch as she reaches out her free hand and gently runs it over my cheek, her thumb brushing across the scar. “Maybe you should tell him all of this,” she says. “Tell him what he’s doing to you, just get it all out.”

  I shake my head. “I don’t want to see him, Ash. I don’t ever want to see him again.”

  “Luke,” she says, moving closer. I let go of her hand and wrap my arm around her shoulders, pulling her against me. “Not seeing him, not saying any of this stuff to him, hasn’t exactly been working real well, has it?”

  I shrug, knowing she’s right.

  “So,” she says, grabbing my hand as it hangs over her shoulder, her other hand sliding along my thigh. “Why don’t you try saying it all to him, tell him how you feel about him showing up like he did.”

  “Because it won’t make any difference,” I tell her.

  “Why not?”

  I sigh, pulling her closer and pressing a kiss to her cheek. “Because he never listens, beautiful girl. Never listens to anyone, and certainly not me.”

  “Maybe he will, maybe he won’t,” she says, squeezing my thigh. “But you wouldn’t be doing it for him, you’d be doing it for you.”

  I turn and look at her. Ash is resting her head on my shoulder now, her eyes facing the ocean again. I watch as she pulls our joined hands towards her mouth, pressing a kiss to my fingers, right over the ring she gave me. The ring that used to belong to her dad. I really wish I could have met him, met the man who created this amazing woman who has changed my life.

  “Luke,” she whispers, squeezing my fingers now.

  “Yeah?” I ask, watching as she turns to face me again.

  “You know I love you, right?”

  “Asha…” I whisper, pulling her in for a kiss. “That’s the one thing I do know.”

  Ash kisses me again, deeper this time, and I can feel some of the tension from today start to slip away. If this is what it takes to start feeling better, I’ll take it every single time. I slide my other hand over her cheek and into her hair, holding her to me, not wanting this moment to end.

  Ash’s lips stop kissing me, and start talking, as they rest against mine. “I love you, Luke, more than anything else in the world, and I will do anything to make you happy, okay?” she says, gently pulling back a little. “But I don’t like what this is doing to you. I’ll support whatever you chose to do, but I can’t let this destroy you, and I can’t let him ruin this opportunity for you. Not when it’s something you’ve all worked so hard to achieve.”

  I stare into her beautiful brown eyes, my thumb gently stroking her cheek. I want her to know that as long as I have her, nothing will be destroyed, everything will be alright. “I’m sorry, Ash, sorry for dumping all this shit on us.”

  She pulls back, her brow creasing as she looks at me. “No, don’t ever be sorry, ever. This is what I’m here for,” she says. “For you and everything you go through, but always for you.”

  I close the gap and kiss her hard now, pulling her down to the sand so she lays half on top of me. My arms wrap around her, pulling her body tighter against mine as I deepen the kiss.

  “Let me be here for you,” she mumbles between kisses.

  “You are, Asha,” I whisper. “You’re here for me more than you know. I love you, beautiful girl, so fucking much. You are the only thing I need.”

  Ash doesn’t say any more as she rolls off, pulling me with her so I end up half lying on her now. We don’t stop kissing and I feel her hands slide under my t-shirt, her fingers against my back. My own hands slide underneath her top as I keep kissing her.

  I’m breathless by the tim
e we do stop and all of the shit from today is no longer there. With every kiss it has disappeared, and for the first time in a week, I finally feel like I can breathe again.

  “Okay?” she asks, brushing my cheek as I lift my head a little.

  “Much better,” I say, smiling down at her.

  “Good.”

  I lean in and kiss her once more, before standing up and pulling her with me. Holding hands, we walk back up the path, towards the house. We don’t talk anymore about today or my dad or any of the things I should say to him, but Asha’s words are working their way through me. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I can’t help but wonder if maybe she’s right. If maybe talking to him, actually going to him and telling him all the things I want to say, instead of letting him always be the one who comes to me, won’t somehow help. I have a million things I’d like to say to him and maybe it’s time to stop sitting around and waiting for my chance.

  Maybe it’s time for me to go to him and tell him what I really think, about everything.

  When we reach the house, Ash squeezes my hand. “I’m gonna go take a shower.”

  I give her a quick kiss. “I just want to talk to the guys for a sec, and then I’ll be right up, okay?”

  She nods and lets go of my hand. “Take your time.”

  I watch her walk up the stairs to our room before turning and heading into the living room, where I find Jared, Ben, Pete, and Steve watching TV. Mia is at the dining table, working on her computer, earphones stuck in her ears. She smiles at me as I walk past, but doesn’t stop what she’s doing.

  “Hey,” Jared says, as I take a seat on the couch beside him.

  “Hey.”

  “You alright?” he asks, turning to look at me.

  I shrug, not really sure if I am, even with the make-out session on the beach just now. “Not sure,” I tell him. “But I’m thinking I might go and speak to him.”