by Natalie Ward
“What? What about me?” Mia says.
“My baby sister, the biggest stubborn ass of all time.”
“Whatever, you know I was only protecting you both, don’t you,” she says defensively.
Mia’s words kill the playful mood and are an instant reminder of everything that happened, not just to her and Jared, but me and her too, back when we were kids. A reminder of the times when both of us looked out for each other, when we were the only person each of us could rely on. It never should have been that way.
Mia exhales loudly. “I thought I was doing the right thing, you know,” she says quietly.
I exhale, squeezing her shoulder again. “Mia, you know none of this, what happened with Dad, with you and Jared, none of it was ever your fault.” Mia lifts her head and looks up at me. I turn to meet her stare and see all of the regret and sadness in her eyes. “Mia,” I say, squeezing her shoulder. “You never had to protect either of us, but even when you thought you did, you still should’ve talked to us about it.”
“I know that now, Luke,” she says, her voice a whisper that’s filled with regret. “But how did you expect me not to try? Especially when I saw exactly what he was capable of,” she says, her fingers reaching up to gently touch the scar on my cheek.
I shake my head. “You dumb ass,” I say, pulling her closer as I press a kiss to the top of her head. “None of it was your fault, Mia, and you never, ever have to try and protect us, okay?”
“I don’t know, Luke,” she says, her head still on my shoulder.
I pull back now, wait until she looks up at me before I say, “Mia, I promise you, absolutely promise you, I have never blamed you for anything that happened, anything that he did, okay. I really need you to believe that.” I watch as she shrugs, her eyes still on mine, and I can tell she doesn’t really buy it. “I fucking mean it, Mia.”
She takes a deep breath. “Okay, Luke, I fucking believe you then,” she says, mimicking my tone with a tiny smile on her face.
“Good,” I say pulling her back against me. We sit in silence for a few minutes and I hope my words sink in. “Mia?” I finally ask.
“Yeah?”
“You really do believe me, don’t you?”
My sister shakes her head now, half laughing. “It’s hard to, Luke, okay. I watched him give you so much shit when we were growing up and then everything that happened after, what happened with me and Jared,” she says. “It’s really fucking hard to believe it wasn’t at least partly my fault.”
I exhale loudly. “Yeah but you don’t control how he acts, do you?”
“No…” she says. “But…”
“But nothing, Mia,” I interrupt. “I mean it, I really don’t want you thinking that any of this is your fault,” I say, rubbing my knuckles over the top of her head again. “So please, for me, at least try.”
Mia is half laughing, half trying to get away from me as she says, “Fine, fine, I really believe you, Luke.”
“Good, makes a nice change when you stop being such a stubborn ass,” I say, pulling her in for a hug now.
Mia punches me in the ribs again as she says, “Like you’re any different.” And I smile, knowing she’s probably right. “So, do we go see him?” she eventually asks.
“I have absolutely no idea, Mia, no idea.”
“I guess at least when it happens,” Mia says, her voice quiet, as though she isn’t sure she should be saying this. “We know it’s all really over.”
“Yeah,” I breathe out, my hand rubbing the top of my head. “And won’t that be a relief.”
“Mmm,” is all she says and I can’t help but wonder if either of us really believes it.
“Hey, what’s going on?” Jared says, walking into the kitchen now. “You two alright?”
I turn to look at Mia wondering if she’s going to tell him like she says she is. She looks at me, and then back at Jared again, who’s reaching into the fridge to grab a beer. He looks over at us and grabs two more. “Baby, you okay?” he asks walking towards Mia. He stops in front of her.
“Yeah, I think so,” she says, turning to look at me again. “Dad’s in the hospital,” she adds on, looking back at Jared. “It doesn’t look good.”
“Fuck,” Jared breathes out, running his hand through his hair. “Are you two okay?”
“I’m fine,” I say, hopping off the counter and grabbing the steaks that are marinating. “Talk,” I say, gesturing to Mia with my beer.
I watch as Mia pulls Jared between her legs and he slides his arms around her waist. “I don’t know,” she says, not looking at me. I smile, as I head outside to grill the steaks, grateful she really meant it.
Everyone but Ash is sitting outside by the pool, so I fire up the grill and get cooking. Five minutes later she walks out, sliding her arms around my waist. “Hey,” she says, pressing a kiss to my neck.
“Hey, beautiful,” I say, turning in her arms to kiss her lips. Her hair is wet and I’m guessing she’s been taking a shower.
“Is everything okay with Mia and Jared? They’re deep in conversation in the kitchen,” she asks, her arm around my waist as she takes my beer with her other hand and has a sip.
“They’re okay, yeah,” I say, one arm around her shoulder, the other flipping the steaks. “Mia got a call from Mom today.”
“Really, what did she want?” Ash asks, her hand squeezing my waist.
I take the beer from her hand and have a sip. “Apparently Dad is in the hospital, doesn’t look good,” I say, turning the grill off to let the steaks rest.
“Shit, Luke, I’m so sorry,” she says, her other arm wrapping around my waist now.
I turn back to her, smiling as I pull her closer. “It’s okay, really. I’m okay.” Ash is looking up at me like she doesn’t believe me, and I guess I don’t really blame her. I’m still not sleeping very well and she knows this. “What?”
“Are you going to go and see him?” she asks now, her eyes holding mine.
I shrug. “No, probably not.”
“You don’t want to say goodbye?” she asks, her arms squeezing my waist again.
I stare down at her wondering why she’s asking me that. She knows I don’t want to see him, that I don’t feel like I have anything more to say to him. “No,” I eventually say, my fingers stroking the warm skin of her shoulder.
“Okay,” she says, grabbing my beer again to take another sip.
I half laugh. “Okay? That’s it?” I ask.
Ash looks up at me and smiles. “Yeah, it is. If you don’t want to see him again, then don’t,” she says, finishing off my beer.
My eyes flick to the empty bottle and I raise an eyebrow at her. “This isn’t some sort of reverse psychology thing again, is it?” I ask, leaning in to kiss her quickly.
“Nope,” she says, letting go of me as she starts to walk inside.
“Asha?” I ask, as I grab the steaks and follow her in. “You sure about that?”
“Luke,” she says, turning and putting her hand on my stomach, stopping me. “I promise, really. I get why you don’t want to see him, I really do, and I’m not trying to convince you otherwise.”
“Would you go and see him?” I ask, knowing that she has never faced anything like this before.
Ash shrugs now. “I don’t know, I really don’t. My dad dying was nothing like this,” she says as we walk into the kitchen and start getting plates and utensils for everyone.
“Yeah, I know…” I say, knowing that not only was the relationship she had with her dad different, but so was his death. Everything about him was different. My fingers spin the ring I wear. “But you never…” I trail off, not sure if I should be asking her this.
“I never what?” she says, leaning back against the counter.
I stare at her for a second, wondering if I should be going here or not. I hate bringing up these memories for her even if she insists she doesn’t mind talking about it all. But I also know if anyone’s going to know what saying goodbye, or
not saying goodbye is like, it’s her.
“Luke,” she says when I still haven’t said anything.
“You never got a chance to say goodbye to him, did you?”
She glances down at my fingers, still spinning her dad’s ring. I love that she gave it to me, because I know it’s the one thing of his that she used to wear all the time. I know how much it means to her. I’ve tried giving it back to her, that it was only something I was looking after for her, but she won’t take it back, insists it’s mine now.
“No, I didn’t,” she says and the way she says it has me walking over to her, pulling her into my arms.
“I’m sorry, beautiful, sorry for bringing it up,” I say, pressing a kiss to her forehead.
Ash’s hands rest against my chest and she looks up at me, a small smile on her face. “No, don’t be, it’s okay, Luke,” she says, pressing a kiss to my lips. “I don’t mind talking about it, really.”
“You’re sure?” I ask, my hands on her hips now.
“I’m sure,” she says. “I wish I’d had a chance to say goodbye to all of them, not just my dad. But my situation is very different to yours and I can’t be the person to tell you what to do.”
I’m nodding at her. “I know, and I know you’re not trying to.”
“You have to do what feels right for you, okay,” she says. “And only you know what that is.”
“Yeah,” I say exhaling loudly. “I just wish I knew how to work that out.”
“You will,” she says, pressing up on her toes to kiss me again. “Come on, let’s eat.”
Track 27 (A side) – Saviour
If somebody had told me not to bet on us
I’d tell them forget it, because it’s in this that I trust
I’d give my everything, my everything to you
Because I know in my heart baby, that our love is my truth
∞
A week has passed since we found out about Dad being taken to the hospital. I still haven’t been to see him, and once again, I find myself lying on my back staring up at the ceiling and unable to sleep.
“I can hear you thinking, you know,” Ash says, and I can’t help but smile as I roll over so my head is resting on her chest.
“That bad, huh?” I say, my arms wrapping around her waist.
“Mmmm,” she says, her hand rubbing over the top of my head. “It’s pretty loud, yeah.”
I laugh, pressing my lips to her skin, my eyes closing as I breathe in the scent of her. I feel Ash’s hand as it slowly runs over my head and down my back. Her fingers trace slow patterns over my shoulders and my body melts into hers, every muscle relaxing. I don’t want to be anywhere else right now.
“You’re still thinking about it, aren’t you?” she eventually asks.
I close my eyes as her fingers slowly smooth over my skin. “Yeah.”
She slides her hand up my back now, cupping my jaw in her hand and forcing me to look at her. “So, tell me what you’re thinking about,” she says, her fingers brushing across my bottom lip. I try to catch them with my teeth, but she moves them away. “Luke?” she says quietly, when I haven’t answered her.
I exhale, my arms squeezing her body. “I don’t know, him I guess. Going to see him. Whether I should.”
“Are you worried?” she asks, her fingers brushing over my scar now. “That if you don’t do it soon, you might run out of time.”
“I don’t know, beautiful,” I say truthfully. “I guess a part of me is. If I wait long enough, then my decision is made, isn’t it.” I close my eyes, not wanting to think about what kind of person that makes me. Waiting for my father to die so I can avoid facing what I know I need to.
“What’s holding you back?” she asks. I open my eyes; find her eyes watching me with nothing but love and concern in them. “Tell me why you’re so worried about it,” she says, and I can hear the pleading in her voice, the way she really wants to know.
But I don’t want to think about it, much less talk. So I slide up her body and press my lips hard against hers now. I wish I didn’t have to make this fucking decision at all. I wish I’d never even found out about Dad, that he’d never found out about me being here. And as much as Ash wants to me to talk about this, right now, I don’t want to. I love her and I never want to be without her, but this is a part of my life she never witnessed. I don’t want her to and I don’t want her dragged into all of this shit.
“Luke,” she says, breathless as she tries to push me away.
I lift my head and meet her stare. Her eyes are full of concern and I try smiling at her, hoping to placate her. “What?” I exhale.
“We should talk about this, talk about what’s going on in here,” she says, running her hand over my head.
I kiss her again. “I don’t want to talk right now, Asha. I don’t want to talk because I don’t want to feel this. I want to feel something good. Something real.” I lift my head again. “I want to feel you,” I tell her.
Her hand slides around my neck now and she pulls me back to her mouth. I kiss her hard, urgently, desperate to feel her. Desperate to erase all the thoughts and fears that are running through my head.
“We should talk about this, Luke,” she murmurs against my mouth, but still kissing me.
I wrap my arms tightly around her. “I know, beautiful, but not now. Please not now.”
Even I can hear the desperation in my voice and I know she does too, because she doesn’t stop. Her arms tighten around me, and she pulls me even closer. I’m desperate, desperate to feel her, to be inside her. She is the best thing for me right now and I want to forget about everything else. All of the shit that I don’t want to deal with, all of the shit that I thought I’d left behind.
“Asha…” I moan, not letting her speak anymore.
I’m lying here staring at the ceiling again. I still can’t sleep, despite exhausting myself in the best possible way. Asha knows what I was doing, and even though I know she wants me to talk about it, right now she’s letting me deal with it the way I want to. I really thought I was done with all of this, but apparently not. I slide out of bed and leave Ash sleeping, pressing a gentle kiss to her shoulder before grabbing a pair of sweats and pulling them on. It’s a warm night, so I head downstairs, grab a bottle of water from the fridge and walk out to the pool area. Falling into one of the lounges by the pool, I run my hand over my face and wonder what the fuck I am supposed to do about all of this.
I don’t realise I’ve left the patio door open, but I must have because I don’t hear Ash come outside until her hands slide over my shoulders and onto my chest. Leaning my head back, I see her standing over me, a worried look on her face. I reach up, sliding my hand around her neck and pull her down to me, our lips meeting for the softest of kisses.
I pull her around the side of the lounge and onto my lap. “I can’t keep waking you up, Ash,” I say, knowing that’s what she wants me to do instead of sneak out.
“Yeah, you can,” she says pressing a soft kiss to my neck. “You’re supposed to be doing exactly that, I thought we talked about this already?”
I run my fingers through her hair before tracing the lines of her face. “I know, I’m sorry, I’m not meaning to shut you out, I just…I don’t know what the fuck I’m thinking or even supposed to do here,” I say, my eyes on hers. “I have no fucking idea what I’m supposed to do, Asha.”
She kisses me on the lips this time and we sit here silently watching each other. My hand rests on her bare leg and I slowly slide it up under the t-shirt of mine that she’s pulled on to come out here. I love it when she wears my clothes, it’s so unbelievably sexy and right now, I’m discovering that there’s not a whole lot else on underneath it. And somehow, despite everything that’s going on inside my head, I want to do a lot more than just run my hand under it.
Ash runs hers fingers across my chest, tracing the outline of her tattoo. “Don’t think about him,” she whispers as she leans in and kisses me. “Just think about you for a s
econd, about what it is that you want, what you need from all of this.”
I exhale, gently sliding my hand back down and lightly squeezing her thigh as my head falls back onto the lounge and my eyes close. Ash doesn’t say anything else, just waits patiently for me to answer, lightly stroking her fingers over my head now. She does this a lot and it’s amazingly comforting.
I know I need to talk to her. I’m not trying to shut her out and I don’t ever want to. It’s just not something I’m used to doing, even now. I’m okay with dealing with other people’s shit, but when it comes to mine, that’s a whole different story. But I also know when the situation was reversed I did everything I could to get Ash to talk to me. And when she finally started to, everything changed, everything got better.
I take a deep breath, knowing I owe it to her to let her inside my head, no matter how fucked up and ugly I know it’s going to be. She’s laid her head against my shoulder now and I can feel her warm breath against my neck.
“I’m afraid that if I go and see him, it means I sort of forgive him. And if I even sort of forgive him, then it will mean that everything he did to me is somehow forgotten, somehow okay,” I say, my eyes still closed. “I’m afraid he’ll think that nothing that happened in the past, to me or to Mia, matters anymore. And I can’t let him think that.”
Ash wraps her arm around my waist, but I don’t open my eyes. “Tell me something, if your dad dies…”
“When,” I say, knowing it’s a certainty now.
“When your dad dies,” she continues. “What do you think you’re going to feel?”
I take a deep breath, hoping she can understand what I’m about to say, hoping she won’t judge me for it or think less of me because it’s the truth. “Relief,” I finally breathe out, knowing this is probably the one thing I never thought I would be able to say out loud.
I feel her head lift off my shoulders, her lips as they gently touch mine. “Why do you feel bad about that?”
I shrug. “Because it’s a fucking awful thing to think about someone?” I suggest, knowing it’s far more than that.
“It’s human, Luke,” Ash whispers. “And it’s perfectly okay to feel this way.”
