by Natalie Ward
My arms tighten around her, pulling her closer. God, I love her so fucking much. I love how she understands me, how she just gets me, and how she knows exactly what I’m feeling or thinking. But most of all, I love that she never, ever judges or blames me. That nothing I think or feel or say, is bad in her eyes. She makes me feel fucking invincible and I feel so goddamn lucky to have Asha in my life.
I open my eyes and stare up into the night sky. “Do you think I should forgive him?” I whisper to the stars.
I hear her take a deep breath before she says, “I think you should do whatever feels right for you, even if that means you don’t forgive him.” Ash leans in and kisses me again before continuing, “You don’t owe him anything you know, especially something you don’t feel ready to give.”
My fingers are tracing slow patterns on her skin as I try to work out exactly what would feel right to me. “Would you forgive him?”
She exhales loudly and I lower my head to face her again. “I think some things are unforgivable, Luke,” she says, running her fingers lightly over my cheek, tracing the outline of the scar she probably can’t even see in this light. “But, I do think you need to do something, whatever that something is. Because you need to let this all go, before it destroys you,” she says as she leans in and kisses me. “I can’t let this destroy you, Luke. I won’t.”
I watch her face as she tells me all of this. God, she knows exactly what that feels like. Knows exactly what the weight of guilt and doubt can do to you. “How do I do that, Ash, how do I let it all go?”
She kisses me again before saying, “Maybe you need to start believing that none of it was ever your fault. That you did what you had to, to survive and there was nothing wrong with that. And he can’t make you feel otherwise, no one can because no one lived what you did.” Her hand runs over the top of my head again as she continues, “You’ve done nothing wrong, none of this is your fault and you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about.”
I pull her tighter against me now as I whisper, “How is it that you always know exactly what to say to me, beautiful girl?”
Her hand gently brushes over the top of my head. “Because these are all the things that were once said to me,” she says smiling now. “Said to me by the most amazing guy in the world.”
My heart melts at her words. “Oh yeah, and who would that be then?”
She kisses me again, her hand resting on my cheek as she stares into my eyes. “You, my gorgeous man. You.”
And I kiss her this time, amazed that one person can be so perfect, so unbelievably right for me.
“Come on, back to bed please,” Ash says, standing up and pulling me to my feet now.
I’m still not sure I’m gonna be able to sleep but I let her pull me up anyway. “Asha?” I say into the darkness.
“Yeah?”
We are facing each other in the light of the early dawn, joined only by our hands and our eyes. Even now, it floors me as I think she is the most beautiful thing I have ever laid eyes on. “You do know how much I love you, right?”
She smiles, pulling me closer as she pushes up on her toes to kiss me again. “I do, Luke, I really do. But right now, I want you to come back to bed with me so I can show you how much I really love you.”
I have no words left to say. All I can do is pull her into my arms, wrap them tightly around her and kiss her… hard. Kiss her like my life depends on it, because honestly, sometimes I think it does. She might think that it was me who saved her, but I know that really, it’s Asha who has saved me.
Every single day, she saves me.
Track 28 (A side) – It Is What It Is
It’s hard to believe and I know I should face it
This crazy emotion that won’t let my brain quit
Elation, amazement, all these things that I’m feeling
But buried inside, is the one thing I’m not facing
∞
“So, we need to come up with a name for this album,” Steve says as we walk into the studio. Today is officially our last day of recording and to say it’s an amazing feeling, would be an understatement.
“We could just leave it as a self-titled?” Jared suggests, picking up his guitar.
I look out the glass window, at the sound guys who are getting ready, at Ash, Mia, and Pete who have come to watch us again. The idea that this dream has finally come true, even with all the other shit that’s happened over the last few weeks, amazes me.
“That could work,” Ben says, pounding on his drums and bringing me back to the room.
“What about Infinite Possibilities,” I suddenly suggest, not even sure where the idea has come from. I look up at the guys and they’re all staring at me. “What?” I ask. “It’s just an idea.”
Jared’s face cracks into a huge grin. “It’s actually a fucking great idea is what it is.”
“You think?” I ask.
“Yeah,” he says. “Ben, Steve, what do you think?”
I turn to look at the other two and see them both nodding at me. “Yeah, I’m in,” Ben says.
“Me too,” Steve adds on.
“Well then,” Jared says, laughing as though even he can’t believe it was that easy. “Guess we have ourselves a name.”
And I’m shaking my head, laughing as I realise the name for our new album actually applies to so many other things.
By the time we’re done with our final day, all of us are on a massive high. We know it’s not actually over just yet. The sound guys will still need to do some things and there’s a good chance we’ll need to record a few extras, sort some overlays. But in terms of the overall album, all the songs we want to put on it, we’re done, and right now, that feels pretty fucking amazing.
In two weeks we have our first concert, our first official concert as a signed band anyway. It’s mainly a promo thing, and nobody who’s there will really know our music, not like the fans back in Boston, but it’s still going to be cool. And after that, we leave. That’s when the touring begins, small venues only, but with the backing of the label and a shitload of publicity. It’s going to be amazing, and even though I’m watching it all unfold before my eyes; I still cannot believe this is all happening to us. It still feels incredibly surreal.
“Drink?” Jared says to me, breaking my train of thought.
I smile. “It’d be wrong not to have one, wouldn’t it?”
Jared laughs as he slaps me on the back and we walk out of the room to join the others. “It sure as fuck would,” he says.
Everyone is still here, Ash, Mia, Pete, and the sound guys. Beers are passed around and as I wrap an arm around Ash and pull her close, she looks up at me and says, “How’s it feel?”
I smile as I lean down to kiss her. “Amazing,” I whisper. “Fucking amazing.”
“It’s going to be fantastic,” she says, her lips against mine. “The concert, the tour, the album, everything, Luke.”
I shake my head, pulling back as I say, “I still can’t believe it’s all actually happening.”
Ash laughs as her hand comes to my cheek. “You better believe it, because once this concert starts, it’s most definitely happening. Life as you know it will be over.”
“Yeah, guess so,” I say as I kiss her again and we join the others. Ash is right, if everything continues to pan out the way it has been, life for all of us is about to change, in a very big way.
I take a seat on the couch, pulling Ash down beside me as I look around at everything we have worked so hard for. I see Mia, sitting in Jared’s lap on the couch opposite us. Ben, Pete, and Steve laughing with the sound guys about something. It really is all going to change, and I can’t wait.
Eventually the seven of us decide to head home before we’re all too drunk to drive. As we walk through the front door though, both Mia and my cell phones ring out with the sound of an incoming text. Pulling it from my pocket, I glance at the screen, read the words once before looking up at my sister.
“Shit,” I breathe
out, as my eyes meet hers.
“What do we do?” she whispers.
“Baby, what’s wrong?” Jared asks as he walks up to her. I watch as Mia turns and shows him the text message.
“Fuck,” he says, pulling her into his arms as he looks at me now. “You okay?”
I shrug, looking down at the text message again. Your father’s dying. That’s it, that’s all she can say to us.
“Luke,” Ash whispers, wrapping her arms around my waist.
I hand her my phone as my other hand scrubs over my head and face. “What the fuck do we do now?” I whisper.
I watch as she reads the message, glances up at Mia and then back to me. “Maybe we should talk?” she asks and I know she means all four of us.
I look at my sister, who shrugs. “I still don’t know what I want to do, about any of it,” she says, leaning back against Jared. “I mean, maybe we should go see him now, it doesn’t seem like he’s got much…” she trails off and I know what she means. Our father is dying. After everything that’s happened, all the things he’s done to us, this is really happening. And this is something neither of us can escape. Something we both need to face, whether we like it or not.
“I don’t know either, Mia,” I say, the four of us still standing in the entry to our house. “We can’t go and see him now, but…”
“But maybe tomorrow?” she says and I can still hear the uncertainty in her voice.
“I don’t know,” I say again.
“Why don’t we all wait until tomorrow,” Ash says now. “You’re right, it’s too late tonight, so sleep on it. See how you feel in the morning.”
“It’s a good idea, baby,” Jared says, rubbing Mia’s shoulders.
We say our goodnights and I let Ash lead me upstairs and into the bathroom. We strip off silently and as she pulls me under the warm water, I pull her into my arms, burying my face in her neck. “Thank you,” I whisper knowing these words are nowhere near enough.
Ash presses her lips against my skin. “You never have to thank me, Luke, ever.”
“This is never going to fucking end, is it?” I say, pulling back as I hold her face in my hands.
“Yes, it will,” Ash says, as she looks up at me. “I promise, it will.” And once again, I realise she knows exactly what I’m going through. The endless cycle of never knowing when all of the shit is going to stop, when it’s ever going to be over. She knows what this is like.
I smile, pulling her closer as I lean in to kiss her. “I love you, Asha,” I say. “Thank you.”
“Always, Luke,” she whispers, as she slides her arms around my shoulders. I tighten my arms and pull her closer as I lose myself in her.
“Feel better?” Ash whispers, pressing against me as we slide into bed.
“Mmm,” I murmur, wrapping my arms around her waist and pulling her closer.
“Is that a yes or a no?” she asks, her chin resting on my chest as she looks up at me. The room is dark, but the blinds are open, and I can see her smiling up at me in the moonlight.
I reach out and brush my fingers over her cheek. “That’s definitely a yes,” I tell her, and I mean it. I might not have sorted anything out, but I definitely feel better. And it’s got nothing to do with getting laid back in the shower, and everything to do with having this woman love me so much. I don’t know if she even realises it, but just having her here with me, makes so much difference. I’m sure I would have reacted very differently if she weren’t here. I’m not sure I’d still be here at all.
“Good, because if you don’t, we can try again,” she says, sliding up to kiss me.
I smile as I brush the hair back from her face, my hand sliding to the back of her neck as I hold her mouth against mine. “We always can, beautiful girl, because I will never get enough of you,” I whisper, before kissing her again.
Ash lays her head back on my chest and we lie here in silence for a few minutes, both of us lost in our thoughts.
“You know you’re nothing like him, don’t you?” she suddenly says into the darkness.
“Huh?” I ask, surprised at her words.
Ash exhales and I feel her body move against mine. “Going to see him, to say goodbye. It doesn’t mean you forgive him, Luke, and it doesn’t mean that you’re okay with everything he’s done,” she says, her fingers smoothing over my chest. “And it doesn’t make you like him, either.”
My eyes close as I wonder again, how it is that she knows exactly what to say to me. “I don’t want to be him, Ash, ever,” I say. “I never want to be anything like him.”
“Luke,” she says breathing out, my name long and low on her voice. I tighten my arm around her waist, my fingers digging into her hip. “Luke?” she says again.
I tilt my head and look down at her. “Yeah?”
“You are not him. You are nothing like him, nothing.” She’s holding my eyes with hers now, not letting me look away. She knows me too well and I can’t complain because I used this tactic with her so many times. “You are not him. Okay?”
I exhale loudly and finally admit something that is probably one of my greatest fears. “Maybe not now, but I might be one day.”
She slides up my body now, so we are face to face. “Why?” she asks. “You walked away. You changed. You made a choice and most important of all, you fought for that choice. You are not him I promise you. And you never will be. You made that choice, you chose. Remember what you told me?”
I roll us over so we are side by side, facing each other. I watch as my fingers tuck her hair behind her ear, slide down her neck to her shoulder and down her arm to her fingers. I’m about to run them back up her arm, when she catches my hand in hers and brings it to her mouth. Holding my fingers against her lips, she says, “Please, talk to me, Luke. Tell me what’s wrong,” she pleads, her lips kissing my fingers now. “Please.”
I exhale loudly, squeezing my fingers in hers. “It’s just…I…well I don’t like the person he makes me become and…”
“Who do you think you become?” she asks, her eyes holding mine again, not letting me look away.
“Him,” I whisper. “I feel like I’m going to become him.”
“Luke,” she says, sliding closer. “You’re not him, I promise. I know I’ve never met the guy, but you’re nothing like him.”
I feel her lips against my cheek now and my eyes close as I savour her touch. “Maybe, Ash, but sometimes I worry that’s how I’m going to turn out.”
“Why?” she asks, pulling back. “Why do you think that?”
I fall onto my back and find myself staring up at the ceiling again. “Because he makes me so pissed off,” I say. “So fucking angry.”
“I think that’s pretty understandable given everything that’s happened,” she whispers, my hand still in hers.
“Yeah, maybe,” I say, my eyes still on the ceiling. “But I’m afraid of what I’m going to do with that anger,” I add on, my voice barely audible. “I’m afraid I’m going to…” I can’t even vocalise what I’m thinking. I don’t want to say it out loud in case admitting it to someone else makes it true and worse still, I don’t want to put that idea in Ash’s head at all. The last thing I need is her thinking I’m capable of doing what he did to me.
“Luke,” she suddenly says, her hand gripping my cheeks and turning my head so I’m forced to look at her. “I’m going to say something here and I want you to listen to me.” I nod, as much as I can with her holding my face. “And I mean, really listen, okay?”
“Okay,” I whisper.
“You are not him. You don’t treat people the way he does, you don’t freeze people out, or refuse to show them love,” she says, her eyes fixed on mine. “I know exactly the kind of person you are. You are a man who loves deeply, who protects and cares about the people in his life, so much.”
“Asha…” I say, rolling onto my side to face her.
“I’m serious, Luke, and I of all people should know exactly the kind of person you are. I shut you out
; I pushed you away, so many times. And even as I was hurting and grieving, you saw through all of that. You kept trying with me, you fought to make me happy, you fought to prove how much you loved me.”
I swallow, knowing how close I came to showing my father’s behaviour even with that.
“What?” she asks, sensing it right away.
“You have no idea, beautiful girl,” I say, my fingers brushing her hair back again. “No idea how much you were worth fighting for. And I would do it all over again, in a heartbeat, just to be with you.”
“I know,” she says, pulling my hand to her lips again. “I know.”
“But even fighting for you, wanting to be with you so badly, even doing that, I…” I can’t finish my thought.
“What?” she pleads with me now. “Please tell me.”
I take a deep breath, knowing this can of worms is well and truly opened now. There’s no going back and there’s no hiding this part of me from her, not now. And as much as it pains me to say it, I know I need to tell her. “Do you remember that party Jared and I had, when I asked you to come over, way before we ever got together?”
Ash’s brow creases as she thinks back to nearly two years ago. “Yeah, why?” she says.
“What happened that night, Ash? With Liam and what he nearly did to you,” I say, my voice a whisper as I finally face a fear I’ve tried so hard to keep buried. “I wanted to kill him for that. I wanted to hurt him, hit him, so fucking badly.”
“Luke,” she says, my name falling from her lips as she understands where I’m going with this now.
“I wanted to do to him what my dad did to me, and I came so close, beautiful girl, so fucking close.”
“Luke,” she whispers again.
“And I’m afraid if I wanted to do it once, that one day, I might want to do it again, only this time there won’t be anyone around to stop me,” I say, the fear falling from my lips now I’ve finally given a voice to it. “And then I will be like him, I’ll be exactly like him, and how the fuck am I supposed to live with that?”
“Luke,” she repeats, pulling me into her arms and falling on to her back, so my head is resting against her chest. I can hear her heart; its steady beat beneath my cheek as her arms wrap tightly around me. I slide my hands under her back, trying to get as close to her as possible.
