by Natalie Ward
“You’re nothing like him,” she repeats.
“Asha…” I breathe out.
“No, let me talk now,” she says, one hand brushing over the top of my head in that way she has that instantly soothes me. “You are nothing like him, Luke, and I should know. I do know,” she continues, her words firmer now. “I remember that night at your apartment. I remember the look on your face when you walked in and saw what Liam was doing to me. I remember the way you spoke to him. I remember all of it, and you know what?” she asks, her arm squeezing my shoulders now.
“What?” I whisper, my eyes closing.
“The part I remember most of all is you coming into your room. Coming in to find me. I remember you wrapping me in your arms and holding me against you, comforting me, looking after me and most of all, I remember you protecting me,” she says, her hands sliding to my cheeks now and forcing me to look up at her. “I remember you loving me before I even realised that you did, Luke. That’s what I remember most about that night.”
I’m staring up at this amazing woman who I’m so lucky to have wrapped in my arms. I don’t know how she ever thought she needed protecting or looking after or saving or anything, because she is without a doubt the strongest person I have ever met. Even back when I first met her, even that night at my apartment, she was so strong. She was strong every single day she lived through all the shit she had to put up with. And now, now she is just incredible.
“Luke, I mean it. Everything you did that night, it was all the actions of a man who cares, who loves, and who wants to have all of those things reciprocated. That’s the kind of man you are, Luke. Not your father, not at all.”
I take a deep breath, my eyes never leaving Ash’s as I admit again what I wanted to do that night. “I wanted to hit him,” I whisper. “I wanted to hit Liam so fucking bad that night. It was only Jared and the guys who stopped me, if they hadn’t been there…”
“Hey,” she says, her hands still gripping my cheeks. “Nobody would’ve blamed you for hitting him. Nobody. He was an asshole that night, not just to me, but to you, to Jared, to so many people.”
“Yeah but…”
“No, listen,” she says. “Hitting Liam, even if it had happened, it would’ve been nothing, nothing like what your father did to you, okay?” I shrug, wanting to believe her, but not sure if I can. “Luke, I want you to listen to me, but more than anything, I want you to believe me. That night was nothing like what your father did to you six years ago. You were protecting me, you were…”
“I was in love with you, Asha,” I finally say, pulling myself up her body, so I can kiss her lips. “I was in love with you and would have done, still would do anything, anything to protect you and look after you.”
Ash smiles now, as though she’s finally made her point. “And that, my gorgeous man, is the big difference between you and your dad,” she says, pressing her lips to mine.
And for the first time in forever, I think I start to see what she means.
Track 29 (B side) – Her
Even if I thought I didn’t stand a chance
I still don’t think I’d try to fight it
Because when it comes to loving her
Every single part of me knows she’s worth it
∞
I’m going to fucking punch Liam in a minute. The guy is being a total dick and I still can’t believe I actually invited him here tonight. What the hell was I thinking, I’ve never liked this guy and right now, I know that is never going to change.
“That guy’s a fuckwit,” Jared says as though reading my mind.
I turn and look at him as he comes and leans against the counter with me. “Uh huh.”
“And you say he fancies your girl?” Jared asks, taking a sip of his beer.
“She’s not my girl, Jared,” I answer, itching to walk over to Liam and stop him from doing what I think he’s about to do.
“Sure,” Jared murmurs, taking another drink from his beer.
We both stand here watching the bathroom door. Any second now Ash is gonna come out of the toilet and go into the bathroom and then I’m absolutely positive it’s going to get ugly. I should have just taken her to my bathroom, given her the privacy. But I didn’t want to give her the wrong impression by taking her into my bedroom. I know I shouldn’t push it with this girl. She finally comes out and walks straight into the bathroom, not noticing the three sets of eyes all watching her.
“Well she might not strictly be your girl yet, Luke, but I sure as hell know you want her to be. And this,” Jared says gesturing towards Liam. “This is about to get bad,” he adds on as we both see Liam follow Ash into the bathroom.
“Fuck,” I breathe out, running my hand roughly over my head. “I should go in there, shouldn’t I?”
From the corner of my eye, I see Jared turn to face me. “Ah yeah, do you think? Fuck, you definitely should,” he says. “And now would probably be good, dude.”
I take another sip of my beer and dump it, before pushing off the counter and walking towards the bathroom. If he’s doing anything to her, anything at all, this is so not going to end well for him. I should have trusted my gut with this dickhead. From the second I met him, I didn’t like him and I have a feeling I’m about to proven very right. I walk into the bathroom.
Oh fucking hell.
My body tenses at the sight in front of me. Ash is pushed up against the sink, blocked in by Liam and unable to leave. Her eyes are wide as she looks at him, but it’s the fear that’s all over her face that really stabs me in the chest.
“Ash, are you okay?” I ask, knowing she is anything but okay. Fuck, I really fucking hate Liam right now.
She doesn’t answer me, but I watch as her eyes close and her head falls. She whispers something I don’t catch, but whatever it is, Liam doesn’t move. I take a step closer and that’s when I see the real reason. His hands are wrapped tightly around her wrists. He’s not letting her go, he’s forcing her to stay here when anyone can see, all she wants to do is run. I can see the whiteness of his knuckles as he grips her, hard. Rage now flies through me as I feel my own hands close into fists at my side.
I am going to fucking kill him for this.
I take a step closer, ready to grab him and get him away from her. Asha looks terrified, really fucking terrified, and it breaks my heart seeing her like this.
“Get the fuck out of here, you asshole,” I hear Jared suddenly growl at Liam.
I didn’t even notice him come in, but Liam hears it. He half turns his head and sees both of us standing here. I have no doubt he can see the fury that’s all over my face and at this point he’s gonna be lucky if he can even walk out of here tonight. Jared takes a step closer so he’s standing beside me and we both watch as Liam now drops Ash’s arms. Her eyes open immediately and she practically runs from the bathroom, her hand brushing past mine on the way out. My fist automatically opens and I’m reaching for her hand with mine, but she’s gone before I can pull her into my arms and comfort her, protect her. I’m torn between wanting to go after her and wanting to teach this fucking asshole a lesson. Someone needs to teach him a lesson and right now, I want that person to be me.
Liam turns and walks towards us, making the decision for me. He pushes between us, shoving my shoulder as he walks out into the living room and towards the front door. Fuck that, there’s no way this guy is getting away with this. I don’t give a shit about what he just did to me, but there is no way in hell I’m letting him get away with what he did to Ash. No fucking way.
I turn and stalk after him, ignoring whatever it is that Jared says to me. He’s at the front door by the time I reach him. “Liam.” My voice comes out cold, harsh; a foreign sound that sends a shiver through me at the memory of another time and another voice. I blink and the memory is gone and then Liam turns to face me. We are facing off against each other and it’s taking every bit of self-control I have not to just punch him in the fucking face.
He smiles at me and my
fist clenches in anticipation. “You know you can’t touch her, Luke, don’t you? She’s a fucking ice queen and that’s not gonna change just for you.”
I take a step towards him and feel a hand on my arm. From the corner of my eye, I can see Pete and Steve step closer and I watch Liam glance and take in the pair of them. See the disgust that momentarily crosses his face.
“She’s a fucking ice queen and you’re an idiot for thinking you can be the one who’s gonna get in her pants,” he says, sorely testing my self-control right now. “Don’t think for one minute you will.”
I take another step, my arm straining against whoever’s holding me back. “Forget about him, Luke,” I hear Jared say to me. “Go and check on Ash.”
Liam sneers now. “Yeah, go and do what your little friend says, Luke. Go and join the rest of your little faggot friends and check on the ice queen.”
I watch as Liam pointedly looks back towards Pete and Steve when he says this and something inside me snaps now. I’ve never in my life wanted to hit somebody as bad as I want to hit Liam right now. Even my fucking father didn’t provoke this reaction in me. I lunge for him, shoving him hard in the shoulders. Just as I’m raising my arm, ready to shove my fist in his face, I feel hands on me, pulling me back.
Liam laughs as both Pete and Steve pull me away from him. Jared has the door open now and Ben has just walked over. The two of them shove Liam out the door, Ben yelling out, “Fuck off, you dickhead.”
My heart is racing and my blood is boiling. Pete and Steve are still holding on to me and it’s probably just as well because I’m pretty sure I’d go after Liam even though he’s now walked out. I want to smack the bastard’s face in and I want it to hurt. I don’t understand why, where this rage is coming from. I’ve never hit anyone, not even my asshole father when he hit me first all those years ago. And I sure as shit don’t want to be anything like him. But right now, tonight, for the first time in my life, I understand what it feels like, because I want to hit Liam so fucking bad. I want to hit him for everything he’s said, for not trusting my instinct with him, but more than anything, I want to hit him for what he said and did to Asha. For what he put her through, for what he did to her.
Her.
I want to hit him for her. The look of fear on her face flashes in front of my eyes.
“Luke!”
I blink and realise Jared is standing in front of me now, blocking both my view of the door and my exit.
“Luke!”
I shake my head. “What?” I breathe out roughly.
“Go and check on Ash. You should go and check on her. Right now.”
My heart is racing inside my chest. Ash. Asha, yes. He’s right, none of this matters. Nothing except for her, she’s the only thing that matters. Liam can go to hell; I don’t need to hit him, I want to but I won’t. Ash is what matters. I exhale loudly, running a hand over my face.
“She’s gone into your room,” Jared says quieter now. “Go and make sure she’s okay.”
I blink, taking in the four guys standing with me. “Thank you,” I mumble to all of them. “Thank you for stopping me from doing something really fucking stupid just now.”
Jared slaps me on the shoulder, “That’s what we’re here for, Luke.”
Yeah, he really has no idea, none of them do. I never even realised what I was missing until I met these guys. Never realised what real friends, what a real family was until now. And they have absolutely no idea.
Jared nudges me again and I walk towards my room, taking deep breaths in a bid to calm down before I walk in there. When I open the door, Ash has her back to me and doesn’t turn around. I take a deep breath. “Ash?” Nothing, but it sounds like she is crying. “Ash, are you okay?”
I watch as she shakes her head before it falls into her hands, her sobs becoming louder, and her whole body is shaking. Instinct drives me and without even thinking about what I’m doing anymore, I close the door, walk over to her and pull her into my arms as I apologise for everything that’s just happened out there, for everything she had to go through. And as I do, all of my anger, everything suddenly just disappears, because all I really want to do is comfort her, protect her, make sure she’s okay. Nothing else matters to me.
Neither of us says anything. Ash doesn’t pull away and I slowly pull her closer to me. She buries her face in my chest and I lean down and rest mine against her hair, slowly running my fingers through it. And even though I shouldn’t be thinking any of the thoughts I’m thinking right now, I can’t help but notice just how amazing she smells. How amazing she feels, wrapped in my arms. Unbelievably amazing.
God, I want to look after this girl. I want to look after her so badly it hurts. I want her to know she’s not alone in this world; that I feel her pain, that I have felt her pain, and that I want to make it go away. I will take it away for her.
I don’t know how long we stand here like this. I could stand here holding her forever, but I know as Ash’s tears slow down, she’s going to pull away. And in this moment, I know I would do anything to hang on to her, for just a little bit longer.
When she eventually pulls back, she doesn’t look at me, her eyes looking everywhere else but me. “Do you play?” she suddenly says and I turn to see what she’s looking at.
“Yeah,” I say smiling, as I realise she may have just found the perfect way for me to hang on to her for a little bit longer.
Ash turns to face me now as she says, “Are you any good?”
The way she says it makes me laugh. She’s so genuinely interested, but at the same time, it’s like this is all a totally normal conversation between us, as though none of what’s just happened has even taken place. And as much as I’d like to talk to her about Liam, about what went on in the bathroom, I need to take advantage of this opportunity. I need to hang on to her.
Smiling, I reach out and gently wipe a final tear from her cheek, her skin incredibly soft beneath my thumb. “I don’t know,” I say quietly. “Why don’t you come watch us play one night and then you can let me know.”
“You’re in a band,” she asks now and I can see the surprise on her face. I like it; it’s so much better than the tears and sadness that were just there.
“Yeah,” I tell her. “We actually have a gig next Saturday night, you should come along, see what you think,” I suggest, silently begging her to say yes. “Tell me if we’re actually any good.”
Ash stares at me and I can’t work out what the hell she’s thinking. “You never told me you were in a band,” she whispers and it makes me smile. I like that she’s kinda pissed about that because it means not only has she been noticing the things I have said to her, but she also wants to know more.
“Yeah, I think maybe I was working up to it, you know,” I suggest, strangely nervous now as I try and work out how I can convince her. “Waiting until we had a show that you could come and see?” Even I can hear the eagerness in my voice, but fuck it, I really want her to come and see us play.
Ash is still staring at me and I can see a million different emotions and thoughts crossing her face. I’d give anything to know what she’s thinking right now. I watch as she blinks and something that resembles fear suddenly flashes across her face. Without thinking, I take a step closer as I say, “Ash, will you come along?”
“What happened out there?” she suddenly asks, her head tilting towards the door, as though I won’t understand what she’s talking about. “With Liam?” she adds on.
I don’t know what she wants me to say. What happened is I walked in on Liam hurting her. I walked in on Liam doing something really bad to the woman I am seriously falling in love with and some kind of protective instinct kicked in that had me going fucking crazy. Had me feeling all sorts of shit that I never even knew was possible. The only thing I did know was that if he didn’t leave her alone, I was going to do something really fucking bad to him.
“Luke?” she whispers, and I focus back on her, smiling as I try to reassure her everything
is okay. “Why did you come in?” she asks, her voice quiet.
I take a deep breath, wanting to tell her exactly why. Because I’m love with you, Asha, and I would do anything to protect you. Anything. But I can’t say this right now, so I say the only thing I can. “It just didn’t seem like you were comfortable in there with him. I don’t know, maybe I was overreacting,” I whisper, knowing I wasn’t even close to that point. “But it just didn’t feel right.”
“Why?” she breathes out and I have to look away before I stop thinking altogether, step closer and just kiss her. I want to, so badly, but I know I can’t. I know it’s too soon and too much and I have to stop myself, no matter how much I want to do it. “Luke?” she asks.
I take a deep breath, trying to calm myself down. My heart’s racing in my chest, at the closeness of her, at the thoughts running through my head, at the memory of holding her in my arms. “Because of the things he said and did to you, Ash,” I say, knowing I can’t be anything more than a friend to her right now. “What he was trying to do, it’s not right, it wasn’t right.”
I have to look away again, because the way she’s looking at me right now, I can’t keep looking at her and not lean in and kiss her. Ash is looking at me like she not only understands what I’m really thinking, but she wants to know why. Why I feel this way, why I feel these things for her. And I’m afraid that everything I’m feeling is written all over my face and she can see it all anyway. And I don’t want to scare her. I can’t, not after everything else that’s happened tonight.
Finally I hear her whisper, “Thank you.” And even though I have no idea what she’s thanking me for, I turn back to her, watch as she stares at her feet as though she can’t work out if she wants them to move or not.
Her indecision slams me into action as I open my mouth and ask her again. “Do you want to go, Ash?” I mean next Saturday, but I realise she might think I’m asking about leaving tonight. Without even realising I’m doing it, I see my hand reach out and touch her cheek, hear my voice whisper, “Ash?”
