Killer Kale Chips

by Patrice Lyle

  She swallowed, and her gaze darted around the store before settling on her feet. "Really?"

  "Really. The place is wired with cameras you know." I wasn't entirely sure that was the case, but it sounded good.

  "Sure is, Pipe. That hotel has got some serious Big Brother going on." Aunt Alfa winked, catching on fast.

  Ruby glanced around. "I had to use the bathroom."

  I wasn't buying it.

  "But the bathrooms are out front." Apparently Aunt Alfa wasn't buying the story either.

  Ruby cleared her throat. "I got turned around."

  Uh-huh. I was going dig further, but the saleswoman returned like a barracuda on steroids.

  "It's too late to return this order." Ms. Society Queen's tone was pure business. "It was placed over a year ago."

  Hmm. I'd have to ask Loyola how long ago Veronica dumped him. If she wasn't marrying Oscar then who was the groom?

  "But my boss made me use my credit card to place the deposit. She never paid me back, and she can't now," Ruby said. "Plus she isn't, um, getting married now either."

  The unspoken words—she was dead aka no wedding—hovered in the air.

  The saleswoman crossed her arms and shoved the receipt toward Ruby. "No refunds."

  "Even if the bride is dead?"

  "Then the original credit card will be charged," the saleslady said without a hint of compassion. "Or the groom will have to pay the balance on the dress, or we'll send him to collections."

  "You could at least apologize." The disgust in Aunt Alfa's voice was thicker than the gold bracelets on the saleswoman's wrist.

  Ms. Society Queen glared at my auntie. "There's nothing to apologize for."

  Aunt Alfa pointed at Ruby. "The poor girl just lost some cash."

  "I need that money." Ruby's face reddened, and she crumpled the receipt into a ball and burst into tears. Her wails made my heart clench. Poor thing. I wonder how much she had paid. I didn't get to ask because she tore out of the salon, stopping at the door to peg the saleswoman with the wadded-up receipt.

  The saleswoman ducked, and the paper ricocheted off the cash register, landing near my foot.

  I was nosy in addition to being a PI, so I stooped and grabbed the receipt. My cell phone dinged, which reminded me of the earlier message I hadn't read. I shoved the receipt into my purse and retrieved my cell. Two messages awaited me. Both from Ming.

  First, Chunky detective no longer think Fork woman die from suspicious death.

  Second, Police know Fork woman was murdered!

  My chest tightened. Murder for sure? Oh no. Would that intensify my suspect status? We hurried out of the store and met Tex at the door. His face was tauter than the time he thought his truck might have been totaled.

  "I reckon we should take a cab home. Brownie's upset he had to stay outside."

  Brownie looked at me and let out the most pathetic little wwwweee. I had to lean in to hear it. His little eyes glinted, however, when he peered inside the dress shop, his gaze landing on a tulle gown.

  I rubbed Brownie's snout. "I agree, let's take a cab." I hoped us staying out so late hadn't worn him out.

  Aunt Alfa sidestepped into the street, stuck her fingers in her mouth, and let out a whistle that made my heart stop. "Hey, you! The cabbie with the crazy Ronald McDonald hairdo. Over here! We need a ride!"

  Holy chocolate babka.

  I hurried over before a riot ensued. "Aunt Alfa, don't make remarks about people's hair."

  Before she could respond, the wild-red-haired cab driver peeled over to us and screeched to a halt.

  He leaned his red 'fro through the busted-out window and glared at my auntie. "What'd you say about my hair?"

  "Wow," Aunt Alfa said. "Up close, you're like a doppelgänger for Ronald McDonald."

  His face tightened. "Where you going, you rude old bat?"

  Aunt Alfa glared at him. "Let me look in my fanny pack for my map." She unzipped her fanny pack and retrieved a can of non-dairy whipped cream. Why she was carrying my favorite dessert topping around Manhattan, I had no idea. But before I could stop her, she squirted oodles of white fluffy deliciousness all over the windshield of the cab.

  "Hey!" Ronald yelled as he turned on the windshield wipers, which only made it worse. A sudsy, snow-like mess covered the glass.

  Aunt Alfa narrowed her teal-lined eyes. "Who you calling a rude old bat now, Ronald McDonald?"

  "I was wrong about you," he said, his cheeks turning redder than his hair. "You're a crazy old bat!" He snapped a picture of her on his phone and then flipped her off.

  Wanting to diffuse the situation before Aunt Alfa karate chopped the guy, I removed a tissue from my purse. "Sorry," I said as I wiped off some cream. "My aunt gets a little carried away sometimes."

  "Yeah, well someone ought to carry her to a nursing home." His tone oozed with disgust.

  Aunt Alfa scowled and traced the hood of the cab with more whipped cream. A high-pitched, screechy sound filled the air as the final poofs of cream were dispensed.

  "Aunt Alfa!" I shot her a cease-and-desist look.

  Tex grabbed a tissue and cradled Brownie in one arm while cleaning the glass with his free hand. "Turn the wipers off, will you?"

  The cabbie glared at us but complied. I took a few more swipes, but my efforts were useless. The guy needed a car wash.

  "Sorry, man," Tex said. "Looks like you're going to need a power hose."

  "This city attracts nut jobs and ballsy old biddies." The cab driver tossed his red hair over his shoulder as he lurched the cab in reverse, almost missing an oncoming hotel shuttle.

  Aunt Alfa shoved the empty can back into her fanny pack and then cupped her hands around her mouth. "Go back to flipping burgers, you ageist ferk-wad!"

  "Ferk-wad?" Tex looked confused.

  Unfortunately, I knew which two words she had combined, but she didn't need any encouragement. I shook my head, pleading him not to ask again.

  The taxi swerved around Aunt Alfa, and the cab driver peeled past us, screaming a string of obscenities. A few onlookers gathered, pointing, with their mouths gaping. Some took videos and pictures too.

  "Why don't we start walking?" I suggested.

  Aunt Alfa was all riled up and jabbing the air with her little, bony hand. "The nerve of Ronald McDonald calling me an old bat."

  We passed a family dressed in matching I Heart NYC sweatshirts. The teen boy asked, "Why do you carry whipped cream in your fanny pack?"

  "You never know when you might need to cream some ferk-wad, kid."

  I groaned and hurried us along. A couple of blocks later, Tex hailed another cab. The driver stopped and asked us where we were going.

  "To the Big Apple Convention Center," Tex responded.

  "Sure, no prob—" then his gaze landed on Aunt Alfa. And her fanny pack. "Uh, never mind. I got to go." He peeled out, leaving us standing amidst a cloud of fumes.

  "Great. Now the cabbies have blacklisted us." I didn't mind the exercise, but we might need a ride at some point during our stay.

  "No, they haven't, Pipe. They've ball-listed us." Aunt Alfa laughed, completely unconcerned. "Walking's good for us. Screw the cabbies."

  Tex and I exchanged glances and kept walking. I used the time to fill Tex in on what happened with Ruby in the dress shop and the attempt at a dress return. Then I told him about Ming's texts saying Veronica Forks was murdered.

  "Wonder how Ming knows it's murder? That detective said they were treating it as a crime scene just in case." Tex asked.

  "Ming can access any place in his state." Aunt Alfa stopped to peer inside another bridal shop. "We should check out this store, Pipe."

  I glanced at the words Discount Bride Bow-teek. "Maybe." Not that I was an elitist, but misspellings bugged me.

  Tex looked at the shop and shrugged. "You said the last one was too pricey. This one definitely looks cheaper."

  I cupped my hands around my face and stared inside the shop. "Yeah, it's definitely cheaper. Th
e dresses look used. That one looks like it has a mustard stain on the front." I pointed at the large dress hanging from a green plastic hanger near the register.

  "Naw, that's probably curry." Aunt Alfa pointed at it. "Check out the shoulder. Looks like curry dust to me."

  I suggested we head back to the hotel. We rounded the corner and were greeted with a flurry of activity outside the Big Apple Hotel. News trucks and reporters congregated near the entrance to the hotel. Cooter stood with a group of Elvis EPs. He waved us over when he saw us.

  "This here's a murder scene." Cooter's eyes lit with crime excitement. "I thought I was retired, but here I is again. Right in the middle of police action on a slaying."

  His EP friend laughed. "You were the sheriff of a one-horse town, Coot. You never worked no murder before."

  Cooter cleared his throat. "I gots the training."

  "How'd you hear it was murder?" Aunt Alfa struck a hands-on-her-fanny-pack cutesy pose beside Cooter.

  "The cops are whispering about a possible poisoning because of something the ME said about the vic's red mug." Cooter looked at Aunt Alfa. "Never heard of no red mug before."

  Interesting. I had noticed Veronica's crimson face.

  Detective Malone swept past, followed by a couple of detectives. The last thing I wanted to do was have her spot me and remind her of my suspect status.

  "Let's go up to the room, shall we?" I suggested.

  Tex and Aunt Alfa agreed. We strode through the bustling lobby where a skinny reporter clutching a microphone eagerly gave an update to a cameraman about the Veronica Forks Suspicious Death.

  Once we reached the elevator, I tapped the button. "I never knew Veronica was such a big deal."

  The elevator arrived, and we got in. My energy level was draining, and a face-mask treatment by Sparkle O, my favorite organic skin line, would be the perfect pick-me-up.

  Tex hit the button for our floor. "Me either."

  "What do you say we get Brownie something to eat and then check out that receipt?" Aunt Alfa inspected her teeth in the mirrored elevator walls.

  "Works for me, ma'am."

  The elevator stopped at our floor, and we entered our room. Brownie jumped on the bed, curled up in a little ball, and refused everything we offered him. He declined his favorite gluten-free vanilla cupcake, organic apple chips, a dairy-free cookie, and his favorite piglet feed."What do you reckon we do, Doc?"

  "I'm calling a vet." I called the front desk and obtained a recommendation for a local veterinarian office with extended hours. I dialed right away.

  A woman answered, and I explained the circumstances about the kale chips. She said we could bring him in tonight.

  I hung up, relieved. "They can see Brownie now."

  Brownie let out a loud wwwweeee and toddled over to the trashcan. Then he head-butted the can and tried to knock it over.

  "See? He wants the kale chips, Doc."

  I sighed and crouched beside him. "Brownie, please be reasonable. You can't eat any more of these kale chips." I removed the bag, folded it shut, and stuck it in my purse.

  Aunt Alfa let out a yawn and covered her mouth with her hand.

  "You stay here," I told my auntie, "and get some rest while Tex and I take Brownie to the vet."

  She stifled another yawn. At ninety-one, she had lots of energy, but sleep was critical for her health. "But you'll wake me if anything is wrong, right?"

  "Of course."

  I retrieved Brownie's leash and hooked it to him. "You need anything while we're gone, Aunt Alfa?"

  She pointed at the ice bucket. "Some ice water sounds good."

  I grabbed the empty plastic container and told Tex and Aunt Alfa that I'd be right back. The hallway was L-shaped, and I remembered seeing an ice machine down the way. Nicely framed photos of New York lined the walls as I made my way down.

  Once I reached the ice maker, I situated the bucket into the machine. I was about to hit the button when I heard a familiar voice in the hallway.

  "Sorry, but I couldn't return the dress."

  Ruby. The high-pitch decibel was unmistakable. I scooted closer to the doorway to see what else she'd say.

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  Kale Chip Recall

  "They said no. The saleslady was really rude too." Ruby paused, which told me she must be on the phone.

  I wished I'd had my smartphone with me. Taping intel was always a good PI move.

  "I'm not going back. You'll just have to pay the balance on the dress." Another pause. "No, I won't tell anyone about your wedding to Veronica." A pause followed, this one longer than the last. "Yes, I know how it would make things look." More silence.

  Had she left? I was dying to peek my head around the edge of the wall.

  Ruby cleared her throat. "Look, I'm tired, and I have to go."

  Quiet befell the area and footsteps padded away. My mind whirled. Who had she been speaking to? I had to go check that bridal gown invoice. I filled the bucket and scurried back to our room and burst inside.

  "Guess what?" The story about Ruby bubbled out of me as I set the ice bucket on the dresser. Then I removed the invoice from my purse and splayed it on the small coffee table.

  Tex sauntered in from the bathroom, and Aunt Alfa got up from the bed. The three of us quickly scanned the invoice.

  Veronica had indeed purchased a fifty-thousand-dollar, size-zero dress. I rolled my eyes at the zero part. The order date was indeed over a year ago, and the wedding date was listed as this coming Christmas.

  The doozy intel piece, however, was the groom.

  "That can't be right," I said. "Kale Chip Ken and Veronica seemed to hate each other."

  But Ken's name and address filled the groom section of the document, along with his phone number and pending nuptial location of Colorado.

  "Maybe they were hot and heavy last year?" Tex asked.

  "You never know," I said, but that didn't feel right. Ken seemed like way too much of a hippie dude to marry Veronica. However, he had made that birth-control comment, which obviously indicated a level of intimacy.

  "You should share this with that detective, Pipe." Aunt Alfa yawned. "Man, all this adrenaline after that taxi-cab incident has wiped me out."

  "Get some rest, Aunt Alfa." I turned toward Tex, who was holding Brownie. "And lock up behind us."

  We departed the hotel and caught a cab to the vet's office. The waiting room was surprisingly packed for the late-night hour.

  Wwwweeee!

  "It's all right, Brownie," I said after we checked in. "We just need to make sure you're all right."

  The three of us sat down and waited for Brownie's name to be called. A short time passed, and it was our turn. I liked the vet right away because she had a potbellied piglet—imagine the odds—and was familiar with piglet health. But I loved her when she said Brownie was fine. All medical tests were clear. He was apparently obsessed with Ken's Killer Kale Chips and was just being stubborn.

  What a relief. Stubborn was definitely something I could deal with.

  We returned home and slipped quietly into the hotel room without waking my auntie. I curled up in bed with Brownie, and Tex slept on the couch.

  * * *

  Wwwweeee!

  I bolted upright, my heart pounding. The alarm clock showed it was only four AM. I flicked on the flashlight app on my phone. Tex was snoozing on the couch, and Aunt Alfa was snuggled under the covers. Brownie, however, loitered near the trashcan.

  Wwwweeee!

  "Brownie Meadows, you get back in bed before you wake everyone."

  "Too late for that." Tex roused on the couch.

  "Sorry, he usually sleeps until six. These kale chips have got a hold on him."

  Tex laughed and climbed off the couch. He picked Brownie up and carried him to me. His shirtless, lean physique had me biting my lip. I was so sick of killers ruining my romantic fun with Tex at expos.

  Why couldn't we attend a conference where everyone lived? At least until the last day?


  "Here, Doc," Tex said as he handed Brownie to me.

  I took my naughty piglet in one arm and lifted the covers with my free hand. Brownie scurried beneath them and curled up by my feet.

  Tex leaned over and dotted a kiss on my lips. The connection left me wanting more, but obviously, that would have to wait.

  He walked back to the couch. "Try to get a little more sleep."

  Yeah, right. I was revved up faster than his truck engine. I closed my eyes and waited for the hours to pass until it was time to get up.

  At six-thirty, Aunt Alfa awoke and leaned on her elbow. "Morning, Pipe. You didn't wake me last night, so I'm assuming Brownie's okay?"

  I nodded and gave her the scoop.

  "Fabulous news." Aunt Alfa sat up and stretched her arms overhead. "I feel refreshed today."

  "Awesome." I flashed her a smile. "Brownie was up early looking for kale chips. I'm going to find a health food store and see if we can't get him a different brand of kale chips. Think that's okay?"

  Tex sat up on the couch. "I would reckon so. The vet said he was fine. We can do an Internet search to see if anything pops up about other tainted kale chips."

  "Sounds like a plan."

  While Aunt Alfa and Tex showered, I looked online and found nothing about tainted kale chips. To be sure, I did a few more checks.

  "You're in luck, Brownie."

  Wwwweeee!

  After I got ready, Tex and I left Aunt Alfa with Brownie, who refused his favorite piglet feed. We'd found a health food store ten blocks away.

  Once we were outside, I was happy to find the sun shining brighter than my favorite makeup mirror at home.

  I lifted up my face. "That feels good."

  Tex slipped his arm around me. "Sure does. Reminds me of Florida and our destination wedding."

  I looked at him as we threaded our way through the busy street. Business people in suits and carrying briefcases hustled past us.

  "You give any thought to what Cooter said?"

  "Hard not to, Doc. Destination being the heart and all."

  I smiled. "The man's got a point."

  "Maybe we should get married in Sea Spray? Your practice is there. Your heart's there."