by Kelly Moore
She drags her hand out of mine and relaxes back. “No,” she finally says with a huff.
I get up from my side of the booth and join her, wrapping my arm around her shoulder. “We can make this work, baby.”
“I need to know why you’ve changed your mind?” Her bottom lip is in a full-out pout.
“Honestly, when my dad took me up in the helicopter, something in me changed. I loved it, and shooting his rifle reinforced that feeling. I loved the feel of chopper in my hands as much as the rifle. It fueled something in me I didn’t know existed. If you felt that way about something, I’d never keep you from it.”
“I know I’m being selfish, but I can’t do it. My life is here.”
I drop my arm in my lap. “Okay, then I won’t do it. We’ll get married, and I’ll move here and open up a shop.”
“Seriously?” She squeals and drapes her arms around me.
“You’re more important to me.” I love her, but I can’t help but feel I just gave up a part of me that was meant to do something great.
Chapter 3
My Greatest Loss
“Yes, Mom. Eden and I’ve settled in nicely in our new home.” I listen on the phone as she rattles off numerous questions. I think she still misses me even though Eden and I married a year ago, and I moved to North Carolina. We bought a house last month, and Eden’s been slowly buying furniture to fill it up. I started working for the Chevy dealer in the service department. It’s not the greatest job, but I’m saving up to buy my own garage.
“Your father says he has time off next week and we’ll come for a visit.” She sounds so excited.
“We’d love that.” I’d like to see my mom, but my relationship with my dad has been strained since I told him I was marrying Eden, and not joining the military. I hate that he’s disappointed in me. It’s bad enough that I’m disappointed in myself. I’ve yet to shake the feeling that I was meant to follow in his footsteps. He’s cordial to my wife, but his eyes give him away. He blames her for my decision and keeps an arm’s distance relationship with her. My mom, on the other hand, adores her.
“I’ll let you know the details before we make our way there. Give Eden my love.”
“I will, Mom.”
I grab leftovers from the fridge and head to work. We’ve got our routine down pretty well. Eden leaves for work at seven in the morning and is home by four. I have a later shift, going in at ten and off at six. We enjoy spending our evenings together snuggled up on the couch. I have a hot little wife who loves me, what more could I ask for?
Several cars and two trucks are in the holding area when I get to work. The bays are already filled up with other mechanics working on repairs. I change out of my clothes and into my work uniform. Grabbing the clipboard with the next customer’s name on it, I get their vehicle and start my day.
An hour later, I’m buried underneath a lifted truck when someone tugs on my foot. “Hey, you have an urgent phone call.”
I push myself out from underneath to see my boss’s face. “Are you sure I can’t call whoever it is back?” I take the rag from my back pocket and wipe the grease from my hands. I don’t bring my cell phone into the shop, so it’s rare that I get a call.
“It’s your mom. She sounds upset.”
I jump off the floor and run into the small office area and pick up the line that’s blinking red. “Mom, you okay?”
“It’s your father,” she cries.
“What’s wrong with dad?”
“He was complaining this morning that he wasn’t feeling well, but he sucked it up and went to work anyway,” she sniffs.
“What happened?”
“He collapsed. His men performed CPR.” Her words barely come out through her sobs.
“Where is he?” My voice cracks.
“He was taken to the local hospital. He’s on life support. They told me to call you to tell you to get here quickly.”
“I’ll get the next flight out and get there as soon as I can.” I hang up with her and call Eden to let her know what happened. She’ll work on getting me a flight so I can shower and change clothes. As soon as I’m done, I go straight to the airport. She was able to get a quick flight purchased.
I hail a cab and rush straight to the hospital, calling my mom on the way.
“Please tell me you’ve made it here?” She’s still crying.
“I’m in a cab headed your direction. What room is he in?”
“He’s in the intensive care unit room 202.”
“Any changes?”
“The doctor said he had a massive heart attack.”
I’m in shock because he’s always been so healthy and in good shape. “Can you drive faster?” I cover the phone and yell at the cab driver, who picks up the speed. “I’ll be there in ten minutes, Mom.” I hang up and make a quick call to Eden to let her know I’ve landed.
The cab driver pulls up to the main entrance of the hospital, and I rush inside, stopping only to wait for the elevator. I’m buzzed in on the second floor once I’ve told them who I’m here to see. A young nurse escorts me to his room where he’s hooked up to all types of machines. Mom is standing by his side holding his hand. Her tears flow harder when she sees me.
“Thorn,” she cries, rushing over to hug me.
I kiss the top of her head. “It’s okay, Mom.”
“The doctor said he’s in grave condition.”
She walks me over to his bed. His eyes are closed, and his brows are drawn downward. His skin looks gray and clammy. I bend down and get close to his ear. “Dad, can you hear me? It’s Thorn, I’m here.”
His head moves slightly, and his eyes peek open. “Son,” he says barely over a whisper.
I place my hand on his chest. “Are you in any pain?”
He doesn’t answer the question. “I’m sorry,” he says.
“You’ve nothing to be sorry for, Dad.”
“I’m sorry I messed things up for you.”
“You didn’t mess anything up. What are you talking about?”
“Moving you all over the country, forcing you to be part of a life that you walked away from.”
“I don’t regret any of it. I’ve had a good life.”
He shakes his head. “I was too hard on you.”
“No you weren’t. You’ve taught me so much and only wanted the best for me. I love you for that. I’m sorry that I disappointed you.” My warm tears start to roll down my face. I swipe them away on my shoulder.
“I’m proud of you for standing up for yourself.” He swallows hard. “I love you, boy.” He closes his eyes, and the alarms go off, sending in a barrage of nurses, doctors, and a code cart.
I take mom out of the room, and we watch in slow motion, as it all goes down. Mom loses it when the doctor calls time of death.
Everything after that day was a whirlwind between the military funeral, helping Mom pack up and leave the base, moving her to North Carolina with us, and dealing with the loss of my father. It affected me more than I ever imagined. I wanted to fill his shoes, and the only way I could think to honor him was to follow my gut. I knew more than ever where I belonged, but signing up for the Navy would go against what my wife wanted.
Chapter 4
Deployment
“Please don’t do this. I’m begging you. You said so yourself that your dad reconciled with your decision before he died.” Eden is pulling at my arm, trying to stop me from getting into the car to meet with a recruiter.
“I need to do this for me, not for him.”
“We agreed that neither one of us wanted this life.”
“I only agreed because it was what you wanted. Why can’t you understand that it’s what I really want to do no matter how much I’ve fought it?” I stop and place my hand against her cheek. “You don’t have to leave here. We can make this work. I’m not asking you to follow me around the world. I’m only asking you to love me enough to let me do this.”
Her tears fall, but her eyes soften. “I do lov
e you.”
I hug her to me, and she tucks her head under my chin. “That’s all we need, baby.”
One month later…
* * *
“Are you all packed and ready to go?” My mother is holding a box in her hand.
“I am. How are you liking your new apartment?”
“It’s great. I’ve already made some new friends.”
“Good, I’m glad to hear it.”
She sits next to me on the couch. “I brought you something.” She hands me a wooden box.
“This was Dad’s.” I recognize it. It used to sit on top of his dresser. Opening it, there are some old photographs of him and my mom shortly after they were married, his military watch, and his purple heart. “Why are you giving me these?”
“Because he’d want you to have them.” She picks up one of the pictures. “I’ve never told you this, but I was like Eden. I didn’t want this life either. I was so afraid that he’d forget all about me, but he took these pictures with me everywhere he went.”
“Are you saying that’s what my wife is afraid of, that I’ll forget her?”
“I think that’s part of it.”
I drape my arm around her shoulder, pulling her in for a hug. “Thanks, Mom.”
“Your dad would be so proud of you.” I hear her sniffle.
“I wish I would’ve signed up when he was still alive to see it. I’d give anything to see him out in the crowd after boot camp.”
She pats my chest. “He’ll be there looking down on you, don’t you worry.” I kiss the top of her head as Eden walks into the room, dragging my suitcase behind her.
“It’s time to go to the airport.” She’s had worry etched on her face for the past month.
Mom picks up her purse. “I’m going to get out of here so you don’t miss your plane.”
She wraps her arms around my waist. “I love you, Mom.”
“Love you too, Thorn. Call me when you can.”
“I will.”
I take the suitcase from Eden and place the contents of the box inside, and we follow Mom out to her car. I throw my luggage in the bed of my truck and get behind the wheel as Eden climbs in the passenger's side.
“You can still change your mind.” She half smiles.
I grab her hand and kiss the back of it. “I’m not changing my mind, and you’ve nothing to worry about. I’ll always come home to you.”
She’s quiet on the drive to the airport. I glance over at her a few times to see tears streaming down her face. I hate that she’s unhappy. I’ll have to prove to her that this won’t change things between us. I’ll be at the mercy of the Navy, but I’ll do my best to make her feel loved and not forgotten.
I pull into the departure zone and park next to the curb. I grab my bags out of the back and meet Eden on the sidewalk.
“I wish I could walk you to the gate.” She wipes her tears.
“No more crying. We’re going to be fine.” I take her in my arms and kiss her sweet, salty lips. “I love you, baby. I’ll call you the minute I can.” I let go, and she doesn’t release my hand until the last possible step away from her.
“I love you, Thorn.”
I show my ID and make it through security without any glitches. The gate area seating is full, so I stand by the window, watching planes roll in and out. An excitement like I’ve not had in a long time fills me. This is my destiny, what I was born to do.
Eight weeks of boot camp, twenty-four weeks of underwater demolition/SEAL school, and twenty-eight weeks SEAL qualification training, and I’m finally done. Only one percent of sailors who take these courses complete them. Not only did I make it, I finished with the highest rankings. I’ve slimmed down, and I’m a six-foot-four wall of muscle. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Not once did I want to give up, even though at times I thought I might die.
I was hoping to get some time off before I deployed on my first assignment, but the urgency of the mission overruled me getting any leave. I’ve not been able to talk to Eden a lot, but when I have, we’ve spent hours on the phone catching up. I miss her like crazy, but I’m so focused and psyched about what I’m doing that I don’t have a lot of time to think about it, unlike my wife.
Her letters come in piles at a time. I’ve enjoyed reading them in the spare minutes that I can find. She sent me a picture of our wedding day, which I keep close beside me. I tuck it in my bag and board the military plane with the other men heading overseas to various bases. I plan on catching up on my sleep for the majority of the trip, so I find the most comfortable spot that I can.
That was only the beginning of my journey. I learned to pilot a chopper, and it flooded me with memories of my dad. Here I am in real life, dropping men to the ground like we talked about the one time I flew with him. I love it, but I want more. I want to be on the ground with them. We rotate different positions within the SEAL team until each of us find our niche. I’m pretty damn good at everything I try, and it isn’t long before I become the team leader. I thrive at it. My trips home become few and far between.
Chapter 5
My marriage starts to crumble
“What do you mean your leave got postponed? You’re supposed to be here tomorrow. It’s our fifth anniversary.” Her voice is laced with disappointment.
“I’m sorry, babe. It’s only delayed a couple of days. Our mission took a little longer than expected, and I have to stay around for debriefing.”
“Did you put in your request to be stationed at Camp Lejeune? You’d make a great instructor, and I could easily get a job in that area.”
“I said I was considering it down the road when I’ve had my fill of being a SEAL.”
“What about what I want? You’ve only been home twice this year.” Now she’s angry. “All I ever do is worry about you.”
I can’t argue with her; she’s right. “I’ll make it up to you. I have some extra leave time. I can stay longer this trip.”
“You staying longer doesn’t fix the problem. You’ve promised me over and over that things would get easier, and they haven’t.”
I beat the cell phone on my forehead. “Can we talk about it when I get home?”
Unfortunately, plans changed, and I’m just now making it back six weeks later. I decided to surprise her in case something else went wrong. I catch a cab from the airport and head straight home.
“Eden! Honey, I’m home.” She’s not downstairs. I lay my bags down and take the stairs two at a time. Our bedroom door is shut, and no light is on. I open it and see Eden lying in the bed asleep. I kick off my shoes and sit softly on the side of the bed, placing my hand in the middle of her back.
“Hey, baby. I’m home.”
She lifts her head and opens her eyes, then rolls over. “I didn’t know you were coming home. I would’ve picked you up.” She draws the sheet up to her chin.
“It’s the middle of the day. What are you doing in bed?”
“I haven’t felt well.” She looks down.
I crawl up in the bed next to her and hold her in my arms. “I’m here now. I’ll take care of you.”
Her body starts to tremble.
“What’s wrong? I thought you’d be happy to see me?” I hold her tighter.
“I am.” She starts to cry.
“Hey, what is it? Tell me?”
“I was pregnant.”
My mind starts calculating the last time I was home. Six months ago. She’s been pregnant for six months and never told me? “You lost the baby? Why didn’t you tell me you were pregnant?”
“Would it have made any difference?” She pushes out of my arms.
“You think because I’m on a mission I wouldn’t care that my wife was carrying my child?” Not only did she keep it from me, but now I found out our baby is gone. I run my hands over my short hair.
“It’s your fault I lost the baby. I do nothing but worry about you every time you go on a mission. I don’t hear from you for days on end, not knowing whether you’re d
ead or alive. My body couldn’t handle that kind of stress. I’ve told you for years I didn’t want this life, and you selfishly did it anyway.” She’s out of bed, rummaging through drawers to find something to wear.
“I thought you’d eventually settle into this life.”
“Settle in? How am I supposed to do that a million miles away from you?” Her face has reddened.
“You could’ve come with me. You chose not to. You were so determined to stay in this town. That was more important to you than being stationed to wherever I was.”
“Don’t talk to me about more important. Your precious SEAL team is your family. Not me!” She’s screaming.
“Look. Yelling at each other isn’t going to solve anything. Please sit down and talk to me so we can work this out.”
“There is no we. It’s always what you want. It’s been that way since the day your father died. It’s like a switched flipped in you, and you became someone different than the man I married.”
“What are you saying? You want a divorce?” My heart sinks.
“I want us to be a team, and if you can’t do that, then yes, I want out.”
“What is it you want me to do? Tell me?”
“I want you to take the job that was offered to you at the base at Camp Lejeune. I want us to go to marriage counseling.”
This is all happening so fast. I’m not ready to give up being a SEAL, but I’m seriously not ready to lose my wife. I stand, pacing the floor. “Okay.” I finally stop in front of her, kneeling on the floor. I’ll do whatever you want.”
“Really?” She smiles and jumps into my arms.
“Thank you, thank you.” She kisses my face.
“I’m sorry about the baby.” I lean back and look into her eyes that dart away from mine. “I don’t want to lose you.” I pick her up and spend the rest of the day making love to my wife. As good as it feels, a part of me already starts to grieve the loss of my command.
