Coalescence - SF3

by Meagher, Susan X

  "But Ryan, that’s exactly what I’m talking about. I think you’re right. I’ve spent less than $3,000 on you over the nine months I’ve known you. That is less than 1/3 of what I earn in a day. That’s why it hurts my feelings when you won’t let me buy you a few little things. It gives me such pleasure, and it’s not like I’m always throwing money at you," she reasoned.

  "You’re right, Jamie. I just had no idea how much you had. I thought that what you spent on me could put a big dent in your assets. I’m sorry I didn’t try to understand sooner."

  "Do you also understand that I want you to share this burden with me?"

  "I understand the words, but I don’t really understand what you want me to do," she admitted.

  "I would like to die with next to nothing left, Ryan. I want to figure out some way to give this all away, but I want to do it in a way that really changes some lives." The earnestness in her voice left no doubt that she truly wanted others to reap some benefits from her money. "First, however, I want to prepare us for the future. I want to pay for you to go to graduate school, Ryan."

  "Oh, Jamie, I don’t know if I can do that." Ryan shook her head sadly, knowing that an outright refusal would hurt Jamie, but that an acceptance would undermine her own self-respect.

  "Yes, you can, Ryan. We can figure out a way for you to be comfortable. You could even pay me back if you needed to, but I don’t want you to have to work the number of hours you will have to work to afford to stay in school. I want to spend time with you, Honey. Don’t you want that, too?" The look on her face was so plaintive that Ryan felt the need to reassure her.

  "Of course I do, Babe. But we don’t always get to do everything we want. You have to make sacrifices to get your needs met."

  Suddenly, it dawned on Jamie that she was not just arguing with Ryan. She was arguing with the dozens of O’Flaherty’s and Ryan’s that had combined to instill the strict work ethic in her partner. "Honey," she soothed. "I agree that you must make sacrifices to get what you want. But what sense does it make to make an unnecessary sacrifice?"

  Ryan didn’t have a ready answer for that, so she blew out another frustrated breath and lay back against the tile, wracking her brain for a good argument.

  "Sweetheart," Jamie cooed. "I hate to be selfish, but I think we need time together as much as any other thing. Grad school is harder than undergrad, and your schoolwork will take up a lot more of your time. I think we have to make our relationship a priority too, Baby, and having time together is a must if we’re going to get along well.

  Ryan could agree with some of Jamie’s arguments, but not others. "Okay, paying for grad school is a pretty major issue, Jamie. Let’s table that agenda item for a later date." A sincere smile assured her partner that her concerns were being heard. "For now, let’s settle the little issues, like buying me clothes and things."

  Jamie hated to let the issue go, especially since she felt like she had Ryan backed up against the wall. But she decided that she didn’t want to win this argument as much as she wanted Ryan to agree to a compromise. Towards that end, she agreed to let the big issue go until another day, and concentrate on the issue that Ryan was comfortable with. "Okay, Honey. It’s like this. I am a very visual person. Visual stimulation arouses me more than my other senses. I’ve been dreaming of you in a big black leather jacket since the first time I put my arms around you that first night on your bike. Having this jacket really is for me, Ryan," she said sincerely. "I know you wouldn’t buy a jacket like that, so why deny myself the satisfaction of buying it for you, if I really want to see you in it?"

  "Okay, you win that point. I’ll play dress up for you. You can buy me as many little outfits as your wicked heart desires. Police officer, fire fighter, construction worker, lumberjack, you name it. Now what about day-to-day things? Like dinners and golf and stuff?"

  Jamie didn’t want to be harsh, but she felt like she had to be honest. "I’ve spent nine months going to crummy little take-out joints in Berkeley. I don’t mind it, because I’m with you, but I like to have an exquisite meal every once in a while. The last great meal I had was on my birthday, and you paid for that! Does it make sense to only go when you want to spend your money on the same thing? Or would you rather I went with someone else? I bet Chip would tag along..." she teased.

  "I just bet he would," Ryan said through narrowed eyes. "So either I go out for fabulous dinners with you, or you find someone else to go with?"

  "Pretty much," Jamie admitted with a laugh, feeling confident that her partner knew she was joking about alternate companions.

  Her partner considered that extremely undesirable alternate and decided that she would rather swallow some of her pride. "All right, all right." Ryan shook her head partially capitulated. "Thanks to you, I now make a good living. I am learning that I enjoy a good meal almost as much as you do. So, I propose that we go out for a nice dinner twice a month. You pay once and I pay once." She cocked her head and waited for her partner’s reply.

  A wide smile crossed Jamie’s face. "I like your style, O’Flaherty."

  Ryan extended her hand and they shook on the agreement, each feeling that their needs had been met.

  Now that their financial matters had been addressed, they decided it was time to play. They swam in the warm pool for a while, frolicking like otters. Jamie spent a lot of time climbing on Ryan’s back while she tried to swim. Then Ryan took advantage of her lover’s greater buoyancy and forced Jamie to carry her all around the pool as payback. When they were tired and wrinkled, Ryan got out and sat down on the chaise, pulling over the phone and dialing home. "Hey," she said when Conor picked up the phone.

  "Oooh, it’s the honeymooners," he laughed. "Did you call to give me a blow by blow?"

  "I’ll give you one word to sum up the entire experience," she teased. "It’s…fine."

  "Well, since you obviously won’t share the dirty details with me, why are you calling?"

  "How would you like to come down on Saturday and play Pebble Beach with me, and then give me a lift home?"

  "Oh gee, Ryan, I’d love to, but I was going to wash my hair on Saturday," he drawled. "Are you nuts? When and where--I’m there."

  "Jamie’s got to go to a graduation on Saturday, and she’s leaving at 10:30, so I thought we could play a bit after that."

  "Hmmm." There was a brief silence as he worked out the logistics. "How about if I come down after work on Friday? Then I don’t have to allow four hours on Saturday morning to drive down there."

  "Oh, gee, Conor, I don’t know...that’s our last night here..."

  "Listen, you sex maniac, I don’t want to interrupt your little party, I just don’t want to drive that far in the morning. Leave the front door unlocked with a note telling me where to sleep. You can keep right on doing whatever you do in your bedroom, or the dining room or wherever you perform."

  Ryan laughed at his teasing and told him to hold on for a second. "Jamie, could Conor come down on Friday night and stay in the guest apartment?"

  "Sure, that’s a much better idea. I’d like to see him."

  "I wouldn’t," she laughed. "That’s why I want to put him in the guest apartment!"

  She put the handset back to her mouth. "Okay, bro, it’s all set. I’ll leave a note on the door telling you where to sleep. Now get a pencil to take down the directions. Oh, and Conor, look sharp for golf. They’re not used to our kind around here," she laughed as Jamie rolled her eyes.

  After the call, Jamie went over and climbed onto Ryan’s lap. She wriggled around a little to get comfortable, and finally satisfied herself with her position.

  "Do you know what I want to hear?" Ryan asked as Jamie reclined on her.

  "What’s that, Honey?"

  "I want to hear more about this leather fetish," she said in a low voice.

  "I wouldn’t really call it a fetish," Jamie said, a little shyly. "But that first night that you took me for a ride on your bike started my imagination working overtime. Every time I
saw you on it, I thought of you in a big leather jacket, a white tank top and your ripped jeans."

  "What did you have me doing in your fantasy?" Ryan was fascinated by this glimpse into Jamie’s dream world and wanted all of the details.

  "Well, at first it wasn’t you in my fantasy." Ryan frowned in puzzlement at that, but Jamie was oblivious, lost in her vision. "I would just think about some dark stranger in a bar, holding a beer, looking tough. It wasn’t clear whether it was a man or a woman. I guess that should have been another clue, huh?" She laughed as she slapped herself in the forehead. "But as time went on, and it was clear that I wanted you, I would imagine you as the dark stranger in that scenario. I’d come in, and you’d just take me, right there in the bar."

  Ryan’s eyes narrowed and her pulse picked up as she envisioned herself in her assigned role. "Sounds pretty hot," she said with fervor. "Was there any conversation?"

  "Not a word," Jamie said. "You’d just look at me, and I’d melt into your arms. It was mostly about the force of your personality, and the way I felt drawn to you."

  "Speaking about the force of my personality, I’m really sorry that I got angry with you this afternoon." Ryan placed an apologetic kiss on the top of the head resting against her shoulder. "It really bothers me when we have a disagreement because I feel so close to you. It’s shocking when we don’t agree on a major issue, and I think that makes the fight seem worse than it really is."

  "Yeah, I think you’re right," Jamie agreed. She turned her head to look back up at Ryan with searching eyes. "It really upset me when you wouldn’t talk to me. I felt totally shut out."

  "I didn’t want to say anything that I would regret," she hastened to explain. "I don’t like to argue when I’m upset, it just seems too dangerous."

  "Well, we need to figure out some way to give you a little space, but have me not feel like you’re really mad."

  "I don’t have a solution to that right off the top of my head, but I’ll think about it, okay?"

  "Okay. I will too." She gave Ryan a quick kiss, and discussion time was over. They got up and went to start dinner, walking through the warm afternoon sunshine, hand in hand.

  Both women were in the mood for a little spice, so they decided to have mango chutney chicken for dinner. While the chicken was baking, they each grabbed a beer and went out on the patio next to the living room to look at the ocean for a while.

  "So…day three is almost over," Ryan commented. "How do you think it’s going?"

  "Hmm, I’d say it’s been idyllic," Jamie mused. "I feel better than I have in years, to tell you the truth. I’m rested and satisfied, and I feel very well loved. I was really worried that things would be odd or uncomfortable between us, but that hasn’t happened much."

  "Nope. Not much at all," Ryan agreed. "But I did want to ask you about one little thing."

  "What’s that, Babe?"

  "I know this is hard for you, Honey, but the only way we’re going to be really comfortable with each other is if we can learn to be really, really open about expressing our feelings."

  "I agree, Honey," Jamie said, with a look of concern crossing her features. "Tell me what’s wrong."

  "No, no, there’s nothing wrong," Ryan insisted. "Please don’t think that. I want to be able to have an ongoing dialogue about things—and I don’t want either of us to be tense about any topics. The more we can talk about it, the more comfortable we’ll feel."

  "Okay," Jamie said, and Ryan noticed the massive breath that she took to calm herself. "What’s on your mind?"

  "Well, yesterday, when we were making love, I was a little disappointed when you asked me not to…"

  Jamie covered her face with her hands and she mumbled, "Aaargh! Do we really have to talk about this?"

  Ryan considered the question for a moment before she replied, "That depends on whether you want to have an open, trusting, sexual relationship or not, Honey."

  Jamie’s head jerked up as she asked, "Do you really believe that? You really think we can’t just have sex without over-analyzing it?"

  The tone of Jamie’s voice and her choice of words stung Ryan a little, but she did not back off. This was as important to her as settling the money issue was to Jamie. "I think we could have a decent sex life if we just stuck to what we’ve done so far and left it at that. And if that’s really what you want, I’ll try to cut you some slack." Ryan knew that she was treading on sensitive ground; still, she had to express her desires. To do less would not be fair to her or to Jamie. "But it’s not what I want," she said firmly. "I want our sex life to be as open and honest and fulfilling as the rest of our life, Jamie. It surprises me to think that you don’t share that feeling."

  "Oh, Honey." The distressed blonde got up from her chair and knelt down in front of her partner, "you know that I do. This is just hard for me…very hard."

  Ryan reached down and pulled her onto her lap. As Jamie’s head rested on her shoulder, she tried to understand. "Tell me what’s hard for you, Babe?"

  "It embarrasses me to talk about sex," she admitted. "I think it should just be something natural that happens between us. I don’t see why we have to take the magic out of the whole experience by talking about it."

  "You don’t seem to mind talking about other facets of our relationship," Ryan reminded her. "As a matter of fact, you seem to enjoy it when we talk about things."

  "I do," she conceded. "But sex is different. It shouldn’t need to be analyzed. It should just…happen."

  "Okaaaay," Ryan drawled. "I wanted to make a certain thing happen yesterday, and you didn’t. Would you suggest that I keep trying that certain thing until I wear you down? Or should I try something once and then never try it again, because you are not receptive to it?"

  "Well," Jamie mused, "that depends on the thing. There are some things that I might never want to do, and I don’t want you to keep asking. But some things might be okay in general…just not that day."

  "And how do I know which of those things are which?" Ryan asked with a guileless expression on her face.

  Jamie knew she was trapped, but she tried to extricate herself. "You can…just tell," she decided.

  "Okaaaay," Ryan said again, "there are things I’d like you to do to me that you haven’t tried. How do I ask you to do them?"

  "Umm," Jamie thought furiously, trying to come up with a good set of signals. "You could just kinda direct me, you know, with your hands or something."

  Ryan nodded judiciously before she said, "There are some things I’d like you to do that don’t lend themselves to hand signals. Then what?"

  The smaller woman’s mind reeled, trying to imagine what in the hell her lover could possibly be talking about. "Ummm, I guess we just have to cross that bridge when we come to it," she decided, knowing how weak that solution sounded.

  "Umm-hmm," Ryan said, looking doubtful. "That sounds like it will work."

  Jamie’s head hit Ryan’s shoulder with surprising force. "I know this is silly, but I really feel uncomfortable, Honey."

  "Babe, there’s only one way to get over the discomfort. And I think you know what that is," she gently added. "We trust each other, Jamie. I think we have to learn how to be open about this subject. Will you at least give it a try?"

  A heavy sigh preceded her reluctant agreement. "I…I’ll try."

  Ryan gave her a gentle squeeze and said, "Thanks, Honey. I guarantee that your discomfort will slowly diminish. Now, will you tell me why you didn’t want me to taste you yesterday?"

  Jamie groaned as she complained, "Did you have to start there?"

  "Babe," Ryan said earnestly, "tell me why the mere topic of oral sex is so hard for you."

  Jamie head shook slowly against Ryan’s shoulder as she considered the question. "It’s just so…I don’t know, Honey," she moaned. "I don’t have words for how I feel. It just felt like something that I wasn’t ready for at that moment…Can’t we just leave it at that?"

  The timer on the oven buzzed, and as Jamie h
opped up to return to the kitchen, Ryan stayed in her chair and considered their conversation. She knew that she had been pushing her partner past her comfort zone, and she also realized that it was going to be next to impossible for her to force the inexperienced woman to get through her discomfort. I think I need to back off a little and see how things settle. She might feel more comfortable discussing things in smaller bits. Sighing heavily, she followed her partner into the kitchen to help with the dinner preparations.

  Ryan busied herself setting the table while Jamie put some rice on to cook. The taller woman was concentrating on the simple task when she felt a pair of arms encircle her waist. "Mad at me?" a small voice asked.

  Ryan turned in the embrace and answered honestly. "Of course not, Honey. I would never be mad at you because you were having a tough time. I know this is hard for you. I’m only trying to make things great for us in the long run. We have plenty of time to work things out."

  "But are you happy with what we’ve done so far?" Jamie persisted shyly.

  "Yes! Most definitely, yes!" Ryan insisted, hugging the hesitant woman to her chest. "Please don’t think I’m disappointed, Babe. I swear I’m not! I want our sex life to be all that it can be—and I know it will be, once we’re comfortable. Just because we haven’t done everything possible doesn’t mean that what we have done hasn’t been fantastic. It has, Baby, it’s truly been fantastic!"

  "You sure?" the small voice asked again, begging for reassurance.

  "Positive," Ryan vowed. "Our relationship is going to develop over time, Babe. I only want to make sure we have a good foundation—and I firmly believe that foundation has to start with open communication. I swear that’s all I’m trying to do. I just want to make sure we both feel able to express our wants and needs."

  "Okay," Jamie said as she went back to her cooking. "I’ll do my best to make sure we have a good foundation, Babe."

  As they relaxed in their chairs after dinner, Ryan spent several minutes praising her lover’s cooking prowess. Jamie just beamed at her, charmed as always by the effusive compliments that Ryan was so willing to offer.