Lily's Journey

by Tania Crosse

  I tried not to think about it but I just wished that I was Edwin’s girlfriend and not Sadie. It tore at my heart to see them dancing together, holding each other close and whispering happy secrets. I was the only person apart from Uncle Artie who didn’t have a proper partner and I wished Sally had been able to come, but she had gone on holiday with her parents. Even Celia was walking out with the son of one of the nursing staff at the hospital and so had a partner. There was Daniel, of course, but he never joined in the dancing. And I don’t think I’d have wanted to dance with him even if he’d asked me. So it was just as well he lounged back against the wall, often lost in his own thoughts, or so it would seem by the serious expression on his face.

  And then my prayers were suddenly answered. I saw Edwin and Sadie talking in what appeared a somewhat heated way. Sadie, tall and willowy but with full curves in all the right places, suddenly pulled away from Edwin, her hand over her mouth and her eyes wide with shock. Edwin stepped towards her, taking her elbow in a pleading gesture, but she shook him off and, dropping his hand to his side, Edwin spoke another few words and allowed her to walk away.

  I could feel my heart racing. Was this the moment I had been patiently waiting for, that would lead to my dream coming true after all? I unconsciously held my breath. I must play this perfectly. Edwin would be hurting so deeply and I wanted to be there for him, to comfort and support him. God knows I didn’t want either Edwin or Sadie to suffer and I had never done anything to drive a wedge between them. But if they were going to split up, I would show Edwin what a strong, loyal friend I could be, and his love for me would, I prayed, grow from that.

  He turned his head as he followed Sadie’s progress out of the room so that I could see his face clearly. He looked lost and my heart bled for him. Then he saw me watching and his bewildered expression moved into a wan smile as he came towards me.

  ‘May I have the pleasure of this dance, Miss Hayes?’

  I knew he was feigning lightheartedness so I went along with it and grinned up at him. ‘I should be delighted!’ I replied, which I was, except that I hated seeing Edwin like this. The gramophone was sending out the lilting notes of a waltz played to perfection by Mantovani and his orchestra. I relaxed against Edwin who wasn’t afraid to hold me close as the dance required, but when I looked up at his face, he appeared distant, his eyes searching for Sadie’s return. Poor Edwin. But I am here waiting for you.

  When the music drew to a closing crescendo, though, he swiftly left me and went in search of her. My heart sank like a stone, but I turned to the merrymakers who were, after all, celebrating my birthday, and arranged my face into a picture of enjoyment.

  ‘Come on! Let’s liven things up!’ Wendy cried. ‘Put on the hokey-cokey, would you, Dad?’

  For the next few minutes, I was caught up in the jollifications, laughing as I put the wrong arm in and out of the circle, and performing an exaggerated knees-bend, arm-stretch, ra-ra-ra. When it was over, we all fell about in happy exhaustion, shaking our heads and catching our breath as the noise subsided.

  It was then that Edwin came back into the lounge, holding up his arms, with Sadie standing coyly by his side. ‘Can I have your attention, everyone, please!’ he called, and there was a general shushing as the room fell silent. ‘I have an announcement to make.’ And here he glanced at Sadie, his face alight. ‘Or rather, we have an announcement. I’m afraid I gave Sadie rather a shock just now when I asked her to be my wife. I know we haven’t been together for very long but I knew the instant I met her that she was the one for me. And after a few minutes to recover from the shock, Sadie has accepted my proposal.’

  The room erupted in a chorus of congratulations. I stood, motionless, unable to move or to fight against the band that closed around my neck, throttling the life from me. People jostled me as they went forward to shake Edwin’s hand or kiss Sadie’s cheek. I felt all alone, a stranger in a foreign land. Empty and afraid. I mustn’t let my feelings, my own devastation, show. Somehow I must find the courage to bury my aching heart. To remain calm and dignified.

  I took a deep breath, controlling the desire to run and flee my anguish as I stepped up to Edwin and hugged him.

  ‘Congratulations!’ I said fervently. ‘He’s a very lucky man!’ I added, turning to Sadie. ‘I hope you’ll both be very happy!’

  I pulled my mouth into a broad smile. The person on the outside, the joyful exterior, mustn’t be the real me. Inside, I was bleeding. Dying. But no one must know my pain. I must melt into the sea of happy faces around me.

  I managed to drag myself through several more records on the gramophone. William asked his future daughter-in-law to dance, and Edwin turned to me to partner him. He had no idea of his cruelty, that he was wringing my very existence from me. I felt faint, sick, but I concentrated on keeping the smile on my face while my feet moved mechanically through the familiar steps of the foxtrot.

  A little later, all was merry and nobody was taking any notice of me. I slipped through the old servants’ door in the hallway and down to the basement. A hubbub of joyful voices wafted down through the ceiling and I unlocked the back door and ran up the steps to the dark seclusion of the garden. I felt I would break and the only way to survive was to escape into the night. It was still raining, not hard but steadily. It was gone ten o’clock and dark, but the curtains at the back of the house hadn’t been drawn, the light spilling onto the lawn in large squares. I kept to the shadows in case anyone happened to look out of the window and see me. I stood at the bottom of the garden, hiding behind a tall shrub, and finally allowed my misery full rein.

  My soul had fragmented into tortured splinters and, try as I might, I couldn’t piece them together again. Edwin and Sadie were to be married, and the agony of it pierced my heart like a shard of glass. I tipped my face skyward, letting the rain mingle with my tears, but it did nothing to wash away my pain. After all this time of longing and waiting, my dream had finally been crushed. I didn’t know how I was going to cope, but I would have to. I had lost Ellen, Sidney, my home, my identity, and I had come through all that. Surely I could withstand this as well? But just now, everything had collapsed all around me, and I was drowning in the mire.

  ‘Lily.’

  The quiet, level voice behind me when I had heard no footsteps startled me so much that my whole body jerked. So someone had noticed me leave and had the audacity to follow me. A fiery sword of resentment cut through my soul that someone had dared intrude upon my strangling grief.

  ‘Daniel, go away,’ I choked. ‘Please.’

  I couldn’t wring another sound from my throat, and in my head I begged him to leave me alone. I couldn’t move a muscle and waited, praying. There was silence, just the patter of raindrops falling on the broad leaves of the shrub.

  ‘Lily?’ Daniel repeated at last, still low but this time in a questioning tone.

  I gritted my teeth. ‘Leave me alone, Daniel, please. I’m all right.’

  I heard him draw in a long, slow breath. ‘No, you’re not,’ he almost whispered. ‘You’re in love with Edwin. Always have been. I saw it in your eyes the first time you came to the house. And now he’s to marry Sadie.’

  My throat ached as I shook my head. ‘No,’ I mumbled torturously, still praying he would go back inside and leave me in peace.

  ‘Turn round and tell me you don’t love him.’

  How dare he! I obediently turned, ready to give him the length of my tongue, but when I glared up at him, I could see even in the gloom that his face was still and concerned. I had the feeling that whatever I said, he wouldn’t be satisfied. My fragile hold on my emotions suddenly snapped. I knew I couldn’t fight Daniel’s strong will and all I could do was to cover my face as I broke down in tears once again.

  I wasn’t aware at first of his arms around me, and when I did realise, I felt so wretched that I didn’t really care. I needed someone to lean on and Daniel happened to be there. He held me gently, not saying a word as the misery emptied out of
me.

  I wasn’t sure how long we stood there in silence in the rain. My head had drooped against his chest in exhaustion as I bit on my thumb in an effort to stop my tears. I was beginning to wonder how I could get out of this odd situation when Daniel finally spoke.

  ‘Come on, Carrots, you’re soaking my shirt,’ he murmured, ‘as if I’m not wet enough already.’

  I at once threw up my head. ‘You didn’t have to follow me out here, and if you call me that one more time, I swear I’ll—’

  He interrupted me with a wry chuckle. ‘That’s more like the spirited Lily I know. Here. Dry your eyes and we’ll go back inside before we have to swim for it.’

  He handed me a clean, folded handkerchief, and I took it with a watery smile. Daniel might not be the refined, utter gentleman Edwin was, but he was being chivalrous in his own peculiar way. As we walked back up the garden path, I noticed his hand on my shoulder and I was happy for it to be there.

  ‘We can’t go back upstairs looking like this,’ he said as I locked up again. ‘Everyone will wonder what we’ve been up to and I assume you don’t want that. We’d better try and dry off a bit first.’

  ‘I hope no one comes down here,’ I told him anxiously as we went into the kitchen. I took a couple of towels from the drawer, handing one to Daniel, and for a minute or so we both stood, rubbing our hair and clothes as best we could.

  ‘We still look like drowned rats,’ Daniel frowned. ‘And you’re shivering.’

  ‘I’ll put the kettle on then, and make some hot coffee. Deborah only keeps Camp though.’

  ‘Just the thing,’ he smiled enigmatically.

  A few minutes later, we were sitting at the table, sipping scalding drinks in awkward silence.

  ‘Great invention, the electric kettle,’ Daniel observed and then he looked at me steadily from under swooped eyebrows. ‘You know, sometimes we have to learn to deal with the hurt. To cry inside and somehow get on with life. And then one day the pain turns to bitterness and it’s easier to lash out at bitterness.’

  I blinked at him in surprise and studied his face. He had lowered his eyes and I realised he was talking about himself. Lashing out at bitterness. I supposed that was what Sidney had been doing, too, but it hadn’t brought him peace.

  ‘I don’t think I could ever feel bitterness towards Edwin,’ I confessed, not quite sure why I felt able to open my heart to Daniel of all people. ‘I love him too much for that. And looking back, I realise now that he’s never given any indication that he’s been in love with me at all. Oh, yes, he’s always been kind and affectionate, but only in a brotherly sort of way. I’m the one who’s been misinterpreting our relationship. So forgiveness or feeling bitter doesn’t even come into it.’

  ‘Then…that’s what makes you a far better person than me,’ Daniel muttered. He slowly looked up and for several uncomfortable seconds, my gaze was held by those arresting, violet-blue eyes. Was he trying to tell me something about himself? Using the situation to make confessions of his own?

  I shook my head in confusion. I could do without that, so I said instead, ‘Well, now I feel pretty stupid as well as devastated.’

  Daniel’s mouth twisted slightly. ‘That’s all part of it.’

  It occurred to me that he had actually been engaged and so had more reason than I did to feel bitter and far less to feel foolish, but I wasn’t going to argue about it. The fact was that talking to Daniel had helped in some incomprehensible way.

  ‘I suppose we should think about going back upstairs,’ I sighed with reluctance. ‘It is my birthday party, after all.’

  ‘Yes, you’re right. You still look a bit bedraggled, mind. But it suits you.’

  He leant forward, a faint smile tugging at his lips as he ran his hand through my tousled hair and let it fall forward in a tangled cascade. I was astounded and bewildered, and remained seated while Daniel washed up the mugs in the sink.

  ‘Shall we?’ he asked, gesturing towards the door. ‘Or would you prefer to go up separately?’

  ‘Yes,’ I gulped. ‘You go first.’

  I heard him spring up the stairs and then I waited for five minutes before following him. I felt strange, all at odds with myself, as if the half hour I had spent with Daniel was a dream that had never happened. I still felt nervous when I rejoined the party, but no one seemed to have noticed that either of us had been missing. Whether by accident or design, Daniel was chatting with Edwin and Sadie, laughing with them, his eyes bright. Yes. He had learnt to draw a shield of steel around himself, and I supposed I was going to have to do the same. When I caught his eye across the room and he smiled at me, I felt stronger.

  Chapter Eighteen

  It wasn’t easy.

  For the next few weeks, the house seemed full of Edwin and Sadie’s engagement. With great difficulty they had persuaded Deborah that, as they had made the announcement at my party, there really was no need for further celebration. Cards and presents kept arriving, though, and Joanna wrote to ask when exactly the wedding would be as Wayne would need to book a long vacation to allow for the return voyage. To William and Deborah’s delight, Joanna also announced that she was expecting at long last, and so would relish the opportunity to show off her first child to its grandparents back in quaint old England.

  Edwin and Sadie seemed overwhelmed by their own whirlwind romance. They chose a beautiful diamond ring together and talked of where in Tavistock they could afford to live. They would perhaps start house-hunting in the spring as they thought August would be a good time for the wedding as Joanna’s baby would be several months old and better able to travel. And while all these happy plans were discussed, I remained quietly in the background, smiling as if I shared everyone else’s joy.

  I sighed with relief when the happy couple managed to arrange a few days off duty together so that they could go to Truro to stay with Sadie’s parents who Edwin hadn’t yet met. I felt the pressure ease the moment they left the house and I began to think that it really was time I moved on. I had enjoyed the Franfield’s hospitality for more than two years. I was nineteen, had my own car and a good job that would cover the cost of a little flat somewhere in the town. Above all, I would have the solitude to lick my wounds in private.

  I understood now why Daniel had chosen the life of a recluse up on the moor, but unlike him, my feelings couldn’t turn to bitterness. I loved Edwin too much for that. And so I was left floundering in the mud and the only way to be rescued was to make a new start. The only thing was that I knew Wendy would be upset. But maybe she’d like to strike out on her own as well and share a flat with me. We could have a lot of fun together, but I would have to break the idea to her gently.

  I was thinking about it as I oversaw Edwin’s orthopaedic clinic one hot and sticky afternoon towards the end of August. The trip to Sadie’s parents had apparently been a complete success, and it brought it all back to me. I loved my job, but could I stand being in such close proximity to Edwin day in, day out, even if I moved into a home of my own? It might all depend on how much I could earn elsewhere, so I decided to buy a copy of the Tavistock Gazette after work and look in both the Positions Vacant and the To Let columns.

  I suddenly realised that the subdued murmurings of the waiting room had been disturbed by a commotion out in the corridor. I hardly wanted a riot in my clinic and sprang to my feet just as the giant of a man appeared in the doorway and breathlessly lumbered across the short space that separated us.

  ‘Hello, Mr Giles.’ I smiled calmly at his unusually agitated manner. I wouldn’t want to be on the wrong end of those huge hands, however gentle their owner might appear. ‘You’re not on the list today. I didn’t think—’

  ‘Get some ’elp, young maid!’ he panted, gulping air into his lungs. ‘I got this young lad in the back o’ my lorry. Found ’en at the side o’ the road up on the moor. Looks like ’is jeep ’ad turned over, like.’

  I had turned on my collected, efficient face. We had no separate casualty department
as at some of the larger hospitals and had to deal with emergencies whenever they occurred and carry on with any clinic that was in progress as best we could. But at the mention of a jeep, my blood ran cold and something deep inside me began to shake. I told myself that Daniel wasn’t the only person on Dartmoor to drive a jeep, but I almost broke into a run – an unforgivable sin – as I swept down the corridor to the consulting room.

  Three pairs of eyes turned on me as I went in without knocking.

  ‘Lily!’ Edwin reprimanded but I totally ignored him.

  ‘Casualty. Car accident. Sounds serious,’ I announced, my mouth moving of its own accord.

  Edwin stood up calmly. ‘Excuse me, Mr Jarvis,’ he nodded at his patient. ‘Hopefully I won’t be long. Nurse will look after you.’

  He strode briskly across the room and as we went out into the corridor, he hissed in my ear, ‘Really, Lily, you should at least have knocked.’

  Under any other circumstances I would have been mortified, but just now, I really didn’t care. ‘It was a jeep,’ I gasped back. ‘What…what if it’s Daniel?’

  Our eyes met. I saw his face blanch and then he, too, was half running to where Mr Giles was dancing in agitation, arms flapping helplessly at his sides like a gorilla. Edwin was out of the door without stopping and the huge man had to chase after him.

  ‘My son’s with ’en in the back o’ the lorry. Us ’ad an old door and put ’en on that, like. Jonty said us must keep ’is ’ead and back as still as possible, so that’s what us did.’