A Girl's Story

by Paloma Meir

  “She’s interested in fashion design. It’s a futuristic dystopian look. She’s wearing it for her college essay.” I got up out of her bed.

  “Wow, that’s cool. Do you want me to dress like that?”

  “No.” I got up and dressed eager to leave Idiotville.

  ...

  I lay on my bed when I got home and called Isabella. She answered on the first ring surprising me. I thought I would have to leave a message and go through a series of texts before finally connecting with her. She roved the city, hard girl to find usually.

  “What’s up with you girlfriend’s new look?” She didn’t even say hello. I had called her wanting to talk about anything other than Zelda.

  “I wouldn’t know. I cut her loose.”

  “Really? You cut her loose? You did it?”

  “Could we talk about something else?”

  “I’m sorry Danny. I didn’t mean it that way. What happened? If it makes you feel any better she looked miserable.”

  “That makes me feel worse. I don’t know what happened. She was in a car accident and now she hates me, really hates me. She flipped me off today. I think she has brain damage.”

  “What? When did this all happen? Why didn’t you call me?” I stared up at the painting on the wall focusing my eyes on it, pushing away my feelings.

  “A month ago? I don’t want to talk about it anymore. Hey, I’ve got a car now. I could pick you up. We’ll be mobile.”

  We made plans for later in the week. I hung up and stared up at the painting, the blanket she got me, the other little things. I took the painting off the wall and carried it downstairs to the bins outside. The huge painting wouldn’t fit. I hit it against the wall. It broke apart. I pulled the rest of it to pieces with my hands, hitting it against the wall leaving dents in the finish. I didn’t care. It ended up in a million little pieces. I sat down in the alley and stared out into nothingness.

  ...

  Zelda’s behavior went on for months. I would see her every few days stomping up and down the street in her angry way. If her eyes met mind she would throw me evil looks, hate radiated off her body.

  The girl who couldn’t even say penis was now flipping me off and muttering curse words. I tried to look at her through the eyes of someone who had never known her. Did she really look as bad as I thought? I couldn’t separate myself enough to be able to see. Her hair was greasy to the ends, her skin an unhealthy white. Her rosy cheeks? Gone replaced by dark circles under her eyes. I asked myself for the hundredth time why her parents had let it come to this.

  She was alone most of the time. Isabella would give me unwanted updates. It sounded like she had dropped out of school and then she was suddenly back. Theodora and Veronica stuck by her. That was hard to imagine, they were perfect as she had been. What did they make of their Dickensian friend?

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  I skipped school again, even more than before. I stopped paying attention to the truancy schedule Carolina and I had made. My academic plan of taking the easy A classes? Gone. I hadn’t tried to revise my schedule. I didn’t care. I would wander around the Beverly Center or the Grove when the days were warmer. Sometimes with Carolina, other times with Veronica and Theodora. Between the three of them one was almost always available. If not I would go to the movies by myself and popcorn and candy all day. My skin grew even duller.

  I walked up and down the hill for any reason in the hopes of running into Danny with or without Liza. I was hungry for him. If I didn’t catch sight of at least every other day I would fall into a funk. The worst was I continued to flip him off whenever I caught his eye or give him as cruel or dismissive look as possible.

  The school eventually called my mother. She made excuses for me to preserve our secret but she talked me into going back. Some garbage about not letting this bump in the road effect the rest of my life. I went back to school. I had seen all the movies anyway.

  Like Carolina had done before me, I started drinking at lunch. I used a thermos, carefully pouring no more than one or two shots into the container. I filled what I took with water. The liquor in our bar getting lighter in color by the day.

  Carolina spent more time with John. She would invite me along sometimes. I liked being with them. Not Carolina so much but John. I felt safe with him. He never brought up the day but always treated me delicately.

  It bothered me when my mother or Carolina would treat me that way, but with John it was okay. He was a good person. I couldn’t spend too much time with them. They were in some kind of love and needed their space to be together romantically. I assumed they were having sex. Carolina didn’t talk to me about it and I didn’t ask her.

  The very worst part of my walking up and down the street was seeing Serge. I had managed to avoid him by not going up to Carolina’s house. He had an old Volvo that I recognized the sound of, I hid in the bushes when I heard or saw it coming up or down the road. Sometimes he ran the Danny did, with the backpack full of rocks. That was harder to avoid.

  He caught up to me one day. I almost felt embarrassed by my appearance. I worried he would draw me out. I puffed myself up in anger, which came easily, as it did with Danny, so he would leave me alone. It didn’t work.

  “I saw you down at the liquor store. You’re a little kleptomaniac now? What’s going on with you?” He walked in pace with me. I didn’t look up at him.

  “I’m not a little anything. I never would have thought that you would be part of the Patriarchy. Leave me alone.” I tried walking faster than him. I was unsuccessful.

  “Stop Zelda.” He stopped me and held my shoulders. I shook free. “What can I do to help you?”

  “I don’t need your help. How patronizing. Go away.” I yelled, my eyes not meeting his eyes.

  “I’m just going to walk you home okay? I’m not part of the patronizing patriarchy.” He tried to look at my face. “You can’t fight them off with body odor you know.” I almost laughed but didn’t.

  He walked beside me not talking. We passed Danny’s house. He looked up at it.

  “I don’t mean to break my word, but I need to know. Did Danny do something to you?”

  “No” I bent down and picked up a rock from the road and threw it at the wall in front of his house. “He’s nice.” My eyes filled with tears but I didn’t cry.

  “I didn’t think so but I had to ask.” He put his hand on my shoulder, thought better of it, removed it and continued the walk with me to my house in silence.

  I opened the door to my home, and he followed me inside to my bedroom.

  “You should take a nap. I’ll stay here until you fall asleep.” He sat down on the chair next to my vanity. He looked at the broken mirror but didn’t say a word about it.

  “I can fall asleep by myself. I’m a big girl now. You’re so condescending. I hate that.” It was hard to push Serge away, almost as hard as it had been with Danny but it needed it to be done.

  “I’m tired Zelda. My mom doesn’t get better. She keeps relapsing. Maybe you could help me? I don’t have much left right now to offer you anyway.”

  I held out my hand to him. He got on top of the bed with me and we took a nap together. When I woke up he was gone. I didn’t see him around much after that.

  ...

  It was Easter morning. Carolina had slept over. Anthony had slept at a friend’s house because their parents hosted an epic Easter egg hunt style block party every year. Our life long Sunday brunches had faded away in the previous months, collateral damage from my rotted being.

  “Let’s walk down to Farmer’s Market and get something to eat.”

  “Okay but I have to be home around noon. We’re going to visit my mom.” As Serge had told me Mrs. Richmond had problems staying sober. The thirty-day program had been extended three times.

  I picked up the clothes off the floor I had worn the day before and put them on. Carolina looked as if she wanted to say something but her guilt that wouldn’t fade prevented her from correcting me. I
t was so dull. I needed to snap out of it. I considered following through on the appointment with the psychologist my mother had long since given up on me seeing.

  “Perfect I was thinking of doing my homework anyway.” My grades had slipped to a solid C-. It dawned on me that not being able to get in to college would condemn me to this house indefinitely. My workload was big because I had not maneuvered my classes. I would have to catch up. I silently thanked Spider for not taking away all of my drive.

  “Really? Oh good. Do you want me to come back after dinner? I could help you. I mean not that you need it.” I missed Carolina making direct statements.

  “That would be great. I definitely need the help.” If she couldn’t make one, I could. I wished for the millionth time that everything could go back to normal.

  “Hurry up. Throw on some sweats. I’ll be right back.”

  “Throw on some sweats?” She repeated back to me with a great deal of regret.

  I went to the bar in the living room, took out the Gin from behind the counter and poured myself a shot. I hadn’t drunk before on an empty stomach. It burned. I put the bottle back, and I knew this was my last non-social drink. I thought of Mrs. Richmond, that beast of a woman struggling to stop. Beast that she was she was also Carolina and Serge’s mother. My habit of drinking alone was an insult to their family. The moment of clarity caused my hands to tremble.

  Whoosh. The gin hit me hard. I went back to my room.

  “Are you ready to go?" I asked. She looked up and sniffed the air.

  “Did you just drink?”

  “Yes.”

  “I’ve kept my mouth shut about this but really? Drinking in the morning?”

  “I’m done. That was it. I promise. I knew when I drank it. I’m done with it. I want to get better.” A relief filled me. I didn’t want to feel the way I did anymore. I couldn’t find my way out but I wanted out. Thank you Spider for not taking away my will to live.

  “Oh Zelda” I put my hand up to stop her. There was only a crack in the wall, it was far from down. I was one fucked up person.

  “One last request and I’ll let you be for a bit. Please brush your hair.”

  “Nope, let’s go.”

  We walked outside, the sun shining down on us. I closed my eyes and held my head up to it, wanting it to cleanse me. Carolina took my hand, and we walked down the street. It was almost normal. I hadn’t even thought of Danny.

  We swung our arms as we had when we were little girls. A car door slammed, we turned searching for the source of the sound. Danny opened the passenger door and took Liza's hand to help her out. I lost my mind.

  “You better use two hands to help your fat fucking girlfriend out of your mother fucking car.” Liza stood open mouthed, staring at me, next to Danny. My Danny. I boiled in anger. Their eyes were with wide with shock.

  “Fuck You Danny Goldberg, Fuck you and your fat fuck of a cunt girlfriend.” I screamed as loud as I could.

  “Have you lost your mind? Shut up. Little kids are doing their Easter egg hunts. Stop.” Carolina pulled me down the road, forcing me to run. I slowed her down not too far down the street.

  “Where did you learn to curse like that? It was hideous but exciting. I hate Liza too, but she’s not fat.”

  “All girls think they’re fat. It will shake her confidence for a few days. Good.” said hateful me.

  Footsteps came up behind me, a hand on my shoulder pulled me around. It was Danny. He touched me. I couldn’t help but smile. It was as if a valve opened in my heart filling it with blood again. He must have read my smile differently because he proceeded to yell at me loudly and right in my face for a good three minutes. I know that doesn’t like a lot but three minutes of being yelled at is a very long time. He was touching my shoulder. I focused on that. I loved him so very, very much.

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  It was Easter Sunday. Liza and I had driven down to the beach for a run before the sun came up. I had given up on Zelda by then. She wouldn’t be coming back to me. I missed her, but I knew that girl didn’t exist anymore. Liza wasn’t so bad. She liked to get out and do things. We did day trips to Arrowhead to ski. We would go downtown for Chinese food. She was simple. It was easy.

  I pulled the car into her driveway and went to her side to open the door and reached my hand in to help her out. An angry screaming voice yelled out from across the street. It was Zelda.

  “You better use two hands to help your fat fucking girlfriend out of your mother fucking car.”

  I stood there shocked, the first words to me in four months, a mouth full of fucks. It was maybe 8:30 in the morning. She stumbled around, Carolina in tow. She looked drunk. She carried on.

  “Fuck You Danny Goldberg, Fuck you and your fat fuck of a cunt girlfriend.”

  Carolina pulled Zelda away. Liza burst into tears. I was done with Zelda and her craziness. It hit me, she wasn’t brain damaged. Zelda was crazy. I squeezed Liza’s hand in reassurance and went after her. This ended today. Someone needed to lock her up. She was a danger to herself and others.

  I ran down the street and grabbed her shoulder and turned her around. The smell hit me, stale with a hint of gin. I hadn’t touched her in so long. Her shoulders were bones. The bulky clothes she wore hid her weight loss. I took a good look, her skin was dull, her face gaunt, her teeth no longer white, dark circles under her eyes. Who let this happen to her? I was angry with her and the world.

  Her eyes met mine, and she smiled at me as she had always done before the night she threw me out of her life. I ignored it. She was drunk. I screamed in her face, letting loose the pent up rage of all the months.

  “You don’t want me, you don’t want me to see anyone else. What do you want Zelda? What do you want? You ended this, not me."

  Carolina tried to speak. I shut her down.

  “What the hell is wrong with you? You stink. You smell like Gin. Drinking in the morning? Is that what you want? What happened to you? You look like a bum. Is that my sweatshirt you’re wearing? Zelda you hate me but you’re wearing my sweatshirt? What do you want? I loved you.”

  Seriously tell me why she was wearing my sweatshirt?

  I carried on. I didn't even know what I was saying. Frustrated, I tapped her shoulders. She was so out of it she fell backward onto the grass. I landed on top of her, and all my feelings came back to me with the force of a hurricane. How could this have happened to her?

  “Tell me. You owe me this. You owe me. What happened? Do you have brain damage? I loved you.” I kissed her foul little face. Her breath was putrid. I didn’t care.

  “It’s my fault. She was raped. It’s my fault.” Carolina cried out.

  “What?” I stood up, leaving my drunk girl on the grass. She mumbled something to Carolina and started humming a song I had never heard before.

  “What?” I repeated.

  Carolina began to cry.

  “I left her on the beach with some of John’s friend’s and an older guy nobody knew to get some pizza. It should have only taken five minutes, but there was a line. I don’t know how long we were gone, maybe twenty minutes? The man, Spider, he made Zelda drink all the Tequila... She blacked out. He dragged her back to an apartment and raped her. When she woke up, he beat her...” She paused to catch her breath.

  “We couldn't find them. We found someone that knew where Spider was staying. We banged on the door, he let us in... She was all beaten up. She kept crying for you. I wouldn’t let her call you... We always took care of each other... Nothing I do helps now. I’m sorry Danny.”

  “Did he cut her hair off?" I was numb.

  “No she did that. She thought being ugly would keep her safe I guess? She won’t talk about any of it... She blames herself. Her Mom wouldn’t let her tell anyone. I’m sorry Danny I should have told you. I didn’t know it would come to this... She was ashamed.” She cried for me and they wouldn’t let me see her?

  “Go home Carolina. I’ll take care of her now.” She stumbled up the hil
l still sobbing.

  I picked Zelda up off of the grass. She was light. I could have carried her back to my house. I walked her instead to rouse her back. She stared straight ahead humming and mumbling words to a song. I held on to her tightly.

  I didn’t know what to do first. Hunt down Spider? Confront her insane family? Bathe and feed her? Her first. I would take her to my house and clean her up. She was filthy. She needed clothes and she wouldn’t be wearing mine. She was going to feel good again, no more hiding in men’s clothes.

  I let go of her for a moment to open my front door. My mother stood in front of us. She hadn’t seen Zelda since Chanukah. I pushed the image of her in her blue outfit out of my head. My mom didn’t recognize her. She said something to her. I walked past her without explanation and took Zelda up to my room.

  She was in a daze of all dazes. Looking at her I could see she wasn’t drunk. She was malnourished. I pushed her hair away from her face. In spite of what she had done to herself she was still beautiful. Her eyes focused on me for a moment. I kissed her forehead. I hated to leave, but I needed to destroy her parents and get her some clothes.

  “This is what I need you to do right now. You’re dirty. You’re going to take a shower. I’m going to go to your house and get you some clean clothes. Stay here. Don’t leave. I’ll be back in fifteen minutes. Use soap and shampoo. Nod your head if you understand me.”

  She nodded her head. I had forgotten how she liked me to take charge. I hoped it still worked on her. I was taking a big chance leaving her alone. I couldn’t have her wander off down the street or anywhere in that condition, but I didn’t have a choice.

  My mom stopped me as I was heading out the door.

  “Danny what is going on? Is she okay? I didn’t recognize her, that poor girl. What happened?”