A Girl's Story

by Paloma Meir

  He finished up his meal with a loud “Mmmm”, and I knew nobody would be coming to see us. “Let’s go watch TV. It’s Sunday, 60 Minutes is on. My brain is turning to mush with all the junk we’ve been watching. Let’s go.”

  The TV room was empty as expected. We ran across the room, jumping and landing on the sofa. I grabbed the remote from him and turned the channel to 60 Minutes.

  Lesley Stahl was interviewing a man who didn’t seem to want to be interviewed. The subject bored me. The man had been taking kickbacks for oil leases. He was doing a poor job of conveying his “misunderstanding” story. I poked Keith. He didn’t respond, so I poked him again.

  “One more poke and I’m going get you.”

  I poked him again. He jumped on top of me, pinning me down and tickling me. I tried to fight back but I couldn’t stop laughing. My muscles were like jelly, flailing about.

  “Who’s you Daddy now, huh? Who’s your Daddy now”

  I tried to say his name but I couldn’t catch my breath.

  “Say it Zelda. Say my name. Who’s your Daddy?”

  “Kkkk” I couldn’t get out.

  “Who baby, who?”

  “Zelda what are you doing?” I looked up to see Danny standing above us, arms crossed with a very serious expression on his face.

  Keith stopped tickling me and rolled off the sofa. But I couldn’t stop my giggles, or even sit up.

  “Hey Zelda you told me his eyes were blue like sapphires, they look more like the ocean to me.”

  Danny turned and left. I chased after him.

  “Danny, come back. Danny --”

  He hesitated by the front desk, but didn’t turn around. I ran down the hallway and threw myself in front him. His eyes were so cold, but that didn’t stop me from wrapping my arms around him and hugging, never wanting to let go.

  Chapter Thirty-Three

  I powered through the week with a lot of false cheer. Brendan and Serge saved me. I didn’t talk to them about what happened with Zelda, but I was pretty sure they knew. We studied hard. Finals were coming up. Serge was a tyrant, browbeating Brendan and me, keeping us focused on the work.

  The schoolwork wasn’t enough to keep my mind off of Zelda. I dragged my two friends out into the road in front of my house and we played a violent game of street tennis. When that wasn’t enough, I forced them on a run. Up the hill, our backpacks twice as full of rocks, we ran.

  I don’t know what I would have done without them. I would fall into bed at night too wiped out to think a finished thought about her before falling into a heavy sleep. Liza didn’t come into play. I avoided her as much as I avoided my thoughts about Zelda.

  But the week was up. I was ready to see her. I drove at lightning speed through town, down to her rehab in Playa del Rey. I was in such a rush to get to her I forgot to pick up a box of chocolates from her favorite candy store in Beverly Hills.

  The visiting room was packed, but she wasn’t there waiting for me. The rehab was one endless hallway, one side locked down for the patients detox. I went the other way looking in the open doors. I heard her laughter. I followed the sound down the hall. Louder and stronger, I liked it. With me she had always been more of a giggler. I hoped her overactive mind had settled down.

  “Who’s your daddy,” and “say it, say it,” drifted down the hall. I looked into the room where the noises were coming from to find Zelda, on the sofa, her face bright red from laughing with some crazy haired guy tickling her. Worse than someone else touching her was that I had never seen her look so happy before.

  “Zelda what are you doing?” I tried to take control of the situation, or at least myself. It didn’t work.

  “Hey Zelda you told me his eyes were blue like sapphires, they look more like the ocean to me,” Her wrestling partner joked.

  This was bullshit. I walked out. I heard her voice and footsteps behind me, saying my name and calling me back. Screw it. I missed her. Before I could turn around, she jumped in front of me, and threw her arms around me, like she was never going to let go. Fine with me.

  “I’ve missed you so much. Why has it taken so long for you to come and visit me?”

  “Who was that?” I was raging with jealousy. I couldn’t even answer her question. It didn’t go well after that. I couldn’t shake it.

  “That was Keith,” She smiled, clearly not sensing my mood, “He’s goes to Beverly. You’re really going to like him. We’ll see him all the time when I get out of here.” She didn’t get it. She was right not to get it. There were a lot of things to worry about with her, but faithfulness was not one of them.

  “Come with me to my room.” She whispered in my ear, “I know a secret way to lock the door.”

  “I’m pretty sure that’s against the rules Zelda.” I could not control the tone of my voice. She barely noticed.

  “Oh…Okay… We’ll leave the door open.” She took my hand in hers and led me down the hallway to her room.

  “So…” She carried on brightly, “Why didn’t you come see me before? Did you have a busy week?” A crack in her cheery façade showed with the lilt of the way she phrased her question. I pounced on it.

  “My mom thought it would better for you to settle in before I came to see you. My week? I was with Serge. What goes on with you and him?”

  “Serge?” And with that she sunk, her smiling expression turned to a frown. The newly restored healthy glow drained from her face. I wanted to kick my own ass, “He’s like a brother to me, almost my best friend. Why are you thinking these things?”

  “Zelda,” I hit my forehead with the heel of my hand, “I’m sorry. I don’t know what I’m saying. It’s been hard without you, not talking to you or seeing you. And then you’re with… Keith.”

  “No I’m sorry…” She wrapped her arms around me and tried to kiss me. A sweet thing to do, right? It didn’t work. I was a rage machine.

  “It’s always sex with you…” I disentangled myself from her. I had no idea where my anger was coming from, and I was powerless to stop it.

  “What?” She jumped away from me. I wish she had run from me because I had only just started.

  “You never listen to anything I say…”

  “Do you think I wanted that to happen to me?” She paced in circles, tapping her hand to her chest. But did I get up to comfort her? No.

  “I thought I deserved it before I came here… But I was wrong about that Danny. Nobody deserves….” She was having serious problems catching her breath. I just sat on her bed.

  “No… Stop… I didn’t mean that. Seriously, I didn’t… Never have I thought that. I’m only talking about us, our relationship.” My words were an improvement on my level of coldness, but a world away from how I should have behaved.

  “Did we have a bad relationship?” Her question devastated me, which only fed my ugliness.

  “I don’t know. What was our relationship?” I wanted to scream out that it was the best part of my life.

  “Does this have something to do with Liza? You didn’t break up with her, did you?”

  “No I didn’t…”

  “You should go now. Thanks for everything. I needed to be here. I’ll always remember you for that.”

  “Everything is coming out wrong,” My anger evaporated, and I was left with the wreckage.

  “That’s fine,” She put her hand on the door and turned her back to me, “You need to go now.” Her delicate hand poked out from the sleeve of my old sweatshirt. Her fingers gripped the knob, turning the tips pink.

  “No… I’m not leaving,” I flew across the room and held her against me. Her body stiffened under my touch, “I’m sorry…”

  “Actually you are leaving,” A friendly face popped up in the doorway and said, “Visiting hours are over, and Zelda, you know it’s against the rules to bring visitors into you room.”

  “Sorry Calvin,” She slunk out from under my arms, “He’s leaving now.” She wandered down the hallway, far from me. Good choice Zelda.


  “I’m coming back tomorrow. We’re going to work this out.” I yelled after her.

  She raised her hand up with a little wave as she had done so many times in our lives and disappeared into a doorway. I waited for a moment hoping and wishing that she would come back, throw herself into my arms again. Start the whole visit over again. But that didn’t happen.

  Chapter Thirty-Four

  I wandered down the hallway, my head full of a cloud of questions. Danny’s coarse words had numbed me, giving me a sense of unreality. How could he have thought those things?

  None of it made sense. He spoke as if I were sexually using him. Ridiculous. I hadn’t had an interest in any of that sordidness until I met him. Our relationship was loving, but he didn’t seem to see it that way. My tired brain couldn’t even begin to process the suggestion that I had wanted what happened to me. I would take his apology over his sloppy wording and let that go.

  The only fair point he made was that I didn’t listen to him. Why didn’t I listen? Was I not interested in him? My head was in the clouds. It had always been that way I realized with a frightening epiphany. I never paid attention to the things around me preferring the world Carolina and I had created with our books and other games. It wasn’t only him. I never paid attention to anyone.

  Keith sat on the floor hidden behind his bed, his contraband in hand. I plopped down next to him surprising him.

  “Sorry Zelda. Did you two work it out? Want me to talk to him?”

  “He was so mad. I don’t understand it. I think we broke up? I feel like I’m living in soap opera.”

  “You don’t understand it? Space cadet. You were rolling around with some strange guy. What’s so hard to understand about that?"

  “But I love him. Why would he think anything different?”

  “People are like that. It’s my fault. I’ll talk to him… We’ll work it out.”

  “He said other things…”

  “What?”

  “Ummm,” A wave of embarrassment fell over me, “It’s like he thinks I’m a… I’m not sure. He was so suspicious as if I were disloyal in some way… I think he thinks I’m using him for sex. He made me sound… I can’t think of the right word… hypersexual.”

  “What?” He started laughing

  “Can I ask you a favor?” I shook my head sure that my idea was a bad one, “All I do is think about him.”

  “That’s true. He is on your mind.”

  “Kiss me.”

  “No.”

  “I need to know if there’s a sexual beast inside me. I really don’t think it’s true, but I need to know. Maybe the things that have happened to me...”

  “Don’t you ever think that… Ever.” He looked in to my eyes with a seriousness I hadn’t known he possessed, “One kiss, that’s it. If you want more you’re going to have to take your hyper sexy self somewhere else. Okay?”

  Touched by his protective sentiment, I wanted to bury my face in his shoulder and cry a million tears. I nodded my head in agreement instead. I comically puckered up my lips, hoping to make him laugh. He laughed.

  The kiss was nothing but awkwardness. Our faces were smooshed against each other in an uncomfortable way; our tongues hesitant, darting in and out. We simultaneously pulled away from each other in no more than 10 seconds. The whole thing felt vaguely incestuous.

  “Thank you…” I’m sure I was blushing, “I don’t have any urges, not a nymphomaniac. Let’s forget that ever happened. I can’t wait to tell Danny.”

  “You’re not telling him. He’ll kick my ass.”

  “No he won’t. He never broke up with that girlfriend. I can’t lie to him. He’ll be happy. Trust me.”

  “I’m staying in my room next time he comes to visit.”

  “Stop. You’re the best. Good night.” I grabbed a peppermint patty from his drawer and ambled back to my room feeling a little better.

  …

  Rita interrupted a very tense blueberry muffin eating contest I was participating in and winning the following morning. Keith had eaten three, and I was half way through my fourth when she came into the dining room. I declared myself the winner as she metaphorically dragged me away for my counseling session.

  “So… I see Danny came to visit you last night.” She noted brightly as she shuffled through the papers in my patient file.

  “Yes he did –" I coughed. My throat was dry from the muffins, “I need water.”

  “You have a habit of stating your needs and expecting them to be instantly catered too.” She put the down the papers, that I surprisingly had no desire to peek at, and brought me a glass of water.

  “I do?” I shrugged, “That seems to be the least of my problems. So I’m not going to worry about it.”

  “I wouldn’t call it problem, more of a characteristic.” She glanced at my file again, “What would you consider your most pressing problem?”

  “I don’t know.” I shrugged again.

  “You can do better than that Zelda… How was your visit with Danny?”

  “I don’t know.” I didn’t shrug, but stared off at the refrigerator instead.

  “Zelda, look at me,” I looked her way, but passed her as if she were just another object on the horizon.

  “Hmmmm…” I muttered.

  “This is another one of your habits, but unfortunately this one harms you.”

  “Okay,” I snapped to attention, “He’s very mad at me. He thinks I’m a… I don’t know… a hypersexual temptress. He said other things too.”

  “What other things did he say?”

  “I’m not a hypersexual temptress.”

  “I know that Zelda. You’re very devoted to him. I’m thinking maybe the “other things” had a ring of truth to them and that’s why you’re choosing to focus on what is plainly not true.”

  “He thinks I don’t listen to him.”

  “Do you?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Why would he think that?”

  “Why do you keep asking me that?”

  “Do you listen to him?”

  “No.”

  “Why would that be?”

  “I don’t know. You tell me. You’re the therapist or nurse or whatever you are.”

  “The answer can only come from you. Do you listen to other people?”

  “I’m shy, it’s a characteristic, like you said. Not good or bad… If I ever get out of here I’ll listen to him all the time. Why are we even talking about this? It has nothing to do with the drinking.”

  “It’s all related -- ”

  “Fine, does it matter why if I change? I listen to Keith. I feel awake here, more awake than before the bad thing even.”

  “It’s up to you if the reason matters. Being “awake” is good step. What do you think about being here brought it about?”

  “Why are you asking me all these questions? Is that part of the checklist? Try to push the patient over the edge and if they don’t fall they get to go home?”

  “I’ve told you many times now we don’t have a checklist. The answers are different for everybody. Do you think Keith only feels “awake” now?”

  “No he’s always been up. He gets everything.”

  “If he “got” everything would he be here right now would he? Do you think that you place your friends on pedestals?”

  “You’re asking too many questions.” I covered my ears with my hands but moved them away quickly. I knew I was being childish.

  “Let’s go back to you not feeling awake.”

  “I don’t know, maybe because I don’t have to lie anymore. No more car accident story.”

  “That makes sense. Live in the light.”

  “Really? Live in the light? From you? New age talk? Fine Rita, I’ll live in the light. Can I go now?”

  “Yes. See you tomorrow. Same time.”

  …

  I spent the rest of the day with Keith going from meeting to meeting. I was in a bad mood from my talk with Rita and was surly and quie
t with him. He poked me and sang songs to pull me out of my funk. It didn’t work.

  I checked the clock throughout the day wishing it would be visiting hours so I could see Danny. He said he was coming back. I couldn’t be sure because I thought maybe I had sent him away again. How did everything get so complicated? I hoped we would work something out that night. I wanted him in my life, at least as a friend.

  For the first time in days Keith and I went to the visitors room. I tapped my foot on the floor restlessly while staring up at the clock. Keith rolled his eyes at my impatience. I stopped and tried to relax for his sake. Finally the visitors came through the door. Danny was the first to walk in. My heart did a flip. Listen to him I reminded myself.

  Keith got up from the table and walked to an older woman, his mother I assumed. Her nose had a bandage, and she walked on crutches. Keith hugged her and buried his head on her shoulder. I heard the sound of tears. I wondered what was going on. Torn between focusing on Keith or Danny, who was walking towards me, I grew confused.

  Chapter Thirty-Five

  The next day was never ending. I must have looked at the time on my phone a hundred times. I needed the day to end so I could go visit her. Teachers droned on, Serge told me a long-winded story about a baseball glove.

  Our temperaments reversed. I was Zelda zoning everything out while she’s in the rehab all smiles and talkative. I ended up standing in the parking lot of the rehab for a half hour before the visiting hours started. That’s how impatient I was to see her.

  Zelda was sitting at the table staring off at something I couldn’t see because the room was crowded. I snapped my fingers in front of her face to wake her up. My anger and aggressiveness weren’t going anywhere. I had to let it go. Good luck with that.

  She surprised me by taking me back to her room. We sat on her bed, instead of touching me she twisted her hands. If my goal the day before was to bring her down, success. The smiling face was gone.