The Day Of The Wave

by Wicks, Becky

  *

  When I find Izzy back at the bar she's talking happily to the barman and Bob Marley's Waiting in Vain is blasting out ironically from the speakers. 'Any news?' she asks when I walk up behind her. I notice she's lined up everything on the bar, from the straws to the napkins, to every single beer mat. There's hope in her eyes but I shake my head, order a Chang and sit at the stool next to her.

  'What happened? You look pale? Did you see him?'

  'No,' I say, forcing my brain back to the present. 'He checked out.'

  'Oh... pooh.'

  'Don't worry, the police won't let him go. If he buys a boat ticket, we'll hear about it.'

  'Thank you for going in there and looking,' she says, putting a hand to my arm for a second. The heat of her and her closeness makes me want to lean in and bury myself in her neck and forget what I just saw... or thought I saw. But maybe her being here is a part of why I saw it anyway.

  'I'm OK,' I say. I know she knows I'm lying.

  'Nepatr here was just telling me there's another boat trip tomorrow,' she tells me after a moment. 'Not the one to the Bamboo Island orgy. It's one that takes you snorkeling, and it has drinks and stuff on board.'

  The barman grins. 'Good time,' he says, flipping the top off my beer, but my eyes don't leave Izzy's face.

  'So you want to go out on a boat now, and you want to go snorkeling?'

  She smiles down at her lap sheepishly, looks at me through her hair for a second. Impulsively I tuck it behind her ear. 'No, I don't want to snorkel,' she says. 'I don't want to go in the water, but I think getting out on more boats will be good for me. I'll look out the window this time. Baby steps, right?'

  'I don't think there are windows on those boats, Izzy. It's just like a deck, and a DJ at one end usually, and a lot of alcohol and drunk people.'

  She nods. 'Well... maybe it will be OK. Nepatr says you can always see the land, so it's not like we're on open water. I think I can handle it. I feel like I have to keep pushing myself.'

  'You really don't,' I say, putting my hand on hers. 'You have nothing to prove.'

  'To myself I do,' she says, looking at my hand, then putting hers on top. 'Ben, I've been so stupidly scared of everything for so long. Everything. I don't want to be that person anymore. I don't want to be scared. '

  I let out another sigh as she searches my eyes. The corridors are calling me down them again till I can see the workings of her brain. She's pulling me on a fucking roller coaster ride here but she's making up for lost time and God knows we lost enough.

  'Are you sure you're alright?' she says now. I realize I'm chewing my cheeks, gripping my beer hard. There are things I don't normally let myself think, let alone talk about most of the time. They itch and burn under my skin while I run, but I run till I'm numb every time. I'm not as numb with her. And maybe that's what scares me.

  ISLA

  'Look at me, I'm Harry Potter!' Justin's yelling to the American girls, walking over to them again on the deck. He's drawn a lightning bolt on his forehead with the ash from the ashtray. The two brunettes in purple bikinis are both giggling and taking photos but I think they're on mushrooms too, because every now and then they stop what they're doing and just stare at their hands.

  'How long do mushrooms affect you for?' I ask Ben. Kalaya smiles. We're watching them from a white seat, sitting on beach towels. I'm trying not to dwell on the fact that we're drifting further away from the island.

  'He took many,' she says, raising her voice above the music. 'He bought a big bag.'

  'How many did you have?' Ben asks her.

  She grins. 'I had many too.' She puts her cocktail down and leans into him. We didn't see them till dusk last night. Apparently Justin found Kalaya and swept her off to some bar to wait for us, but she drank a mushroom shake and flew to the moon and neither of them remembered to look for us for hours.

  'She was Hermione,' Justin tells us now, walking over with the girls and waving a fork at Kalaya. He lifts it high and draws a slow pattern in the air. They all look up at it, mesmerized. Expeliarmas!' he yells, making them jump and start squealing with laughter; Kalaya too. He runs off shouting more spells and the American girls follow him, weaving through the hundred or so people on board, all drinking cocktails from plastic cups.

  I try not to smile. They're a good distraction from the fact that we're on this boat. This time there are no windows, just like Ben said. I can still see the green smile of the headland curving round the sandy bay of Phi Phi but I won't lie, no matter how amusing Justin is, I'm not having a brilliant time. I know it was my idea but maybe I was being too bold when I suggested it. The barman was pretty convincing, told me his brother runs the trip.

  'He funny boy,' Kalaya says, motioning to Justin with a manicured finger. Ben raises his eyebrows and I do the same discreetly in his direction. When we asked Justin and Kalaya why they weren't answering their phones last night, Justin said he didn't even realize his phone was ringing. He said it was covered in hieroglyphics and he thought it was an ancient Egyptian tool from the future.

  He's yelling 'Dumbledore' at the DJ between songs now. I'm trying my hardest not to feel bothered by the fact that Kalaya's hand is on Ben's knee, or that she keeps kissing his bare shoulder. Shirtless again and leaning back in his seat, his abs are like the surface of a wall. I want to touch them. I've never seen a body like his up close before and sometimes I can't even connect it with his face, or with the Ben I knew before. He's more than the sum of his six-pack but I can't keep my eyes off him anyway.

  I get up, walk to the railings and grip them while I force myself to look at the water. The thought of Ben having sex with her last night wouldn't go away. It still won't. We had such a great afternoon, running round looking for Alan. We never found him but it was like we were on an adventure; like we were those two teens conjuring up a world that was just ours again. We watched the sunset from the top of the hill, while a hippy with a big white beard tried to sell us paintings.

  We talked about the art of the wispy clouds and the way the pink and orange streaks were like the work of an angry artist, mad at his canvas. We wondered if the people who died that day wound up there in the heavens, freckles made of stardust and sky; if they're painters of other people's destinies or guardians of chance encounters. I love how Ben can talk about these things. No one else can. Or maybe I can't seem to talk about anything like that with anyone else.

  We tracked Justin and Kalaya down eventually, in a bar. The American girls were tripping too and they offered me mushrooms from a bag, but I didn't take them and neither did Ben. We walked back to Rick's Place. Ben and I were the only ones in our right minds by then, so I felt a bit like Kalaya was stealing him away somehow, taking him into her own little world.

  'I still see all the colors!' she kept saying as her eyes darted around at imaginary things. He looked almost apologetic when she led him into their room and shut the door. At least, I wanted to think that's what I saw.

  I put my palms to my eyes, elbows on the railings. I want to think I can read his eyes, a million stories left unwritten. But the more we talk and the more he tells me, the more I know he's not telling me. I'm not exactly telling him everything either, though. Everything's different now.

  I let out a deep breath, tilt my head up to the sun, let the heat burn away my stupid thoughts. It's so big and hot. I'm vaguely aware of Justin still mouthing off about being Harry Potter in the background as I let the warmth soak into my skin.

  'What are you looking at?' Ben's voice makes my eyes spring open. I'm aware of him with all my senses; the smell of the sunscreen on his skin, the slight humor and anxiety in his voice. I look behind him. Kalaya's at the bar.

  'The sun. It's so much bigger and brighter in the day here,' I say, tilting my face up to it again.

  'Compared to London? Maybe that's because you don't ever see the sun in London?'

  I smile. 'Maybe. But even last night, the sun looked huge before it sank.' I remember the thrill of hi
s eyes on my lips as I licked my ice-cream, staring at the bright orange bulb. 'The moon looks closer, too. They're both so much more impressive over here, don't you think?'

  Ben leans his arms on the railings. His triceps flex right next to me and the sheen of salt and sweat on his torso brings a butterfly back to life in my belly. He's in green and blue board shorts that unintentionally match my green bikini top. I'm still in my denim shorts. 'The sun and moon control everything,' he says into the soft breeze that ripples through his hair. 'I found an article a few years ago. It was about these Indian scientists and how they predicted that earthquake was going to happen.'

  I frown at him. This is news to me. 'Did they tell anyone?'

  'Yes. That's the craziest thing. They predicted it to that exact day because their research showed how Jupiter... and... I think Venus, plus the sun, the moon and earth were all in a straight line on the twenty-sixth.'

  'That's insane!'

  'Right. They said whenever that happens there's extra pull on the planet. The ancient Mayans and Egyptians, and the Chinese and the Indians too, they all used to freak out when there were planetary alignments like that, because something catastrophic almost always happened.'

  I watch his lips. 'When did we stop listening to all that stuff?' I say. 'When did we stop taking it seriously?'

  'I don't know. But it's not like we could've stopped it.'

  'We could've saved more lives.'

  'What are you doing?' Kalaya walks up with two drinks. Ben takes one and she loops her arms around his waist. I walk away instantly, to where Justin is talking to the Americans, but Ben's words are buzzing in my head. I want to talk about it more. I start a conversation with one of the girls but in the corner of my eye I can see Ben turn in Kalaya's arms. I can see her kissing him and running a finger from the top of his chest down to his belly button with her crotch pressed up to his leg.

  'You're hot,' I hear her say. 'So very, very hot.'

  Jesus.

  'OK guys, our first snorkel spot!' comes a voice over the speaker. Everyone cheers as the boat comes to a stop between two rocky cliffs jutting out of the water. I feel the tension creep back into my limbs. I think I felt better when it was moving, because at least the driver was aware of his surroundings, but I can see him walking up to the bar now. He starts drinking from a Coke can, starts chatting up some girl in a pink bikini. He's not ready. If the big wave comes, he's not ready.

  I put a hand to my heart as everyone starts pulling off what's left of their clothing and pulling on masks and snorkels. The splashing starts as people jump and shriek. The sounds make me even more anxious. Crap. OK, maybe this was a bad idea. I look to the driver again. He's leaning up closer to the girl, grinning around his Coke can. He's so not ready.

  I grip the side of the boat. The water is a soup of bright swimwear and flippers. A thousand tiny yellow fish are swimming under the boat and all around the sides. A Dutch girl is throwing bread in to make them school even more; I can hear her talking to her friend excitedly and a guy is filming it all with his GoPro.

  I turn to where Kalaya's finishing up her drink, pulling on her flippers. Ben's walking up to me again. 'Nervous?' There's worry in his eyes. I fall into them again momentarily, but tear myself away, take three sips of my water, one after the other.

  'I'm OK, I'll just watch.'

  'I'll stay with you. You're doing so well, you're so brave. Look at this Izzy, you're on the water!'

  'I can't think about it, really.' I offer him a smile that must come out as a cringe. Kalaya's watching us now, tying her hair up. 'Go in,' I say. 'It's hot, I'll be OK.'

  He squeezes my shoulder, turns back to Kalaya, helps her adjust her mask. I watch as he pulls on his own and they both jump in together with a huge splash. I wait for him to come back up. My heart's thumping. Please, please!

  I see his head emerge. Thank you. The music's pumping louder now, like snorkelers really need a soundtrack of a Katy Perry re-mix. Justin shouts another spell. 'Fishy whizzy, let's get busy!'

  Part of me wishes I could join this fun; join all these people laughing and joking and getting wet in his horrible heat but the more I'm alone on the boat, the more the terror's riding over me. I don't want to be in the water, but I don't want to be here either. What was I thinking?

  My eyes dart to the horizon; the part I can see around the towering rocks all around us. This is how it looked that morning when I sat there scribbling in my notebook, waiting; right before that wall of water roared in faster than a jet plane and took way more than the pen out of my hands.

  An arm coils around me. Justin. 'Whoooo hooooo!' he shrieks in my ear, 'Let's go snorkeling!'

  'No!' I start to struggle as my heart goes into panic mode, but he's picking me up, holding me in his arms, tight against him, walking me towards to the edge. 'Justin, no...'

  'Whoooo hooooo!'

  He's jumping. We hit the water with a force. Everything turns black as my heart pitches and seems to stop. I'm suspended. I'm slipping away, away from my body, out of my body completely. My face is down but I can't seem to move it.

  Wait, yes I can.

  But I'm looking at myself from above. No one can see me. Justin's gone. My chest is tight and my legs are full of tingles; so many I can't move them. I'm made up of tingles. I can't move my legs and I can't see now. My head is full of crackles and pops. I can't move anything. It's finally happening... I'm dying.

  'Izzy!' Arms grasp my middle, pull me up and onto my back. The sudden motion kick-starts my heart and lungs. I'm turned over. I can't move myself, but I can breathe. Oh God, my chest. I'm having a heart attack, I know it. I still can't see as the water mocks me and grabs at my limbs and threatens to fill up my lungs; just like it did that day. I see the boy from my dream in my mind's eye, walking out and leaving me unidentifiable to the point of invisibility, surrounded by the dying. He's shouting something but it's like the entire scene is happening behind a fuzzy TV screen. Wait. It's not him. It's Ben.

  'Izzy! Shit!'

  Ben starts swimming with me tight against him. Other people are around me now, in the water, swarming. I sense the mass confusion in the crowd as I start to move back into my body and brain. I'm pressed against him; his hand is under my head, but everything hurts and my heart is still trying to escape from my chest. I gasp and shake in his arms. My legs are still tingling.

  'She's having a panic attack, help me get her up!'

  I'm right beside the boat. More arms move around me, around my wrists, pulling me from above, lifting from below till I stumble back onto the deck, a wet mess. I can hear a hundred voices as someone helps me to my feet, but the TV screen is still too crackly between us and I can't quite place what's happening. I can't even stand. A Thai guy tries to pull me up against him.

  'Get out of the way, get her a towel!' Ben's on the deck, dripping and furious. A beach towel is wrapped around my shoulders. Kalaya's given it to me, I think. Her hand is on my arm, she looks freaked out, but Ben's moving her away, yelling at everyone else to move away. He's picking me up in his arms, taking me over to a seat.

  'Izzy,' he says, sitting me down carefully. He's breathing raggedly as he drops down next to me on the hard seat, holds my face in his hands. 'Izzy, look at me. Can you hear me?'

  My head is so heavy as he scrapes wet hair from my face. 'Izzy, can you hear me?'

  I focus on the blue anchors of his eyes, pulling me back to him, back to me, and I watch them flood in relief. The crushing fear starts to lift from my chest and I hear myself gasp before my breath turns into heaving sobs.

  'You had a panic attack,' Ben says, up even closer to my face now. He's still sweeping my hair back. 'Talk to me.'

  His voice sounds like it's breaking. He pulls me into his shoulder, holds my head to him. The salt burns my lips against his flesh and I can feel his entire hand, hot and hard in my hair now. He puts his mouth to my ear. The DJ's stopped his music. 'Izzy, say something.'

  He's crying too and it stuns me, pulls me
right back to the moment. 'Baby, please, just tell me you're OK.'

  I nod because I still can't quite make a sound and my hands find his face somehow and my fingers find his hair. For a frantic second it's just us, somewhere else, inside each other. I hear him sigh heavily in relief.

  'Is she alright?' Justin. I know it's him. The fog is clearing. I have feeling back in my legs now, but I'm colder in a second. Ben's let me go. My hands are free and he's on his feet, shoving at Justin's chest.

  'She didn't want to go in the water!' The utter fury in his voice makes me jump. 'She didn't want to go in the fucking water, she told you that! We both told you that! Are you out of your mind?'

  'Ben, stop!' It's Kalaya. He ignores her. His jaw is pulsing, his fists are clenched. I've never heard him yell, I've never heard him get mad. He shoves him again.

  'What the hell did you think you were doing, you fucking asshole!'

  'Shit, I'm sorry, I didn't...' Justin starts, but I hear another sound. A thump, then a collective gasp. Then silence as Justin falls to the floor.

  BEN

  'Get up,' I say, and the American girls hurry to help him.

  'What the hell is your problem?!' The Harry Potter lightning bolt on Justin's forehead is smudged and I ignore Kalaya as she makes a grab for my arm and tries to pull me back. My fist wants to punch him again.

  'She didn't want to go in the water!' I say, forcing him to stay down with my bare foot. My fist is throbbing. Two staff members are trying to come between us now and Justin lifts his hand to his face. His upper cheek is red, turning darker. The guy's blasted out of his brain. I've never hit anyone ever in my life, but the thought of her facedown again... I raise my fist higher.

  'Ben, stop.' It's Izzy.

  'I was just mucking about!' Justin says. He looks furious now. The Thai guys step closer, anticipating a fight no doubt. I lift my foot off him. 'Ben, I didn't think...'