The Day Of The Wave

by Wicks, Becky

  So he hasn't moved into Izzy's room? 'We can ask at the resort, or -'

  I pause as something else springs into my head. 'We just had someone move out of the shack at the dive shop. You can stay there for a few days, if it helps.' I don't want him close to her if I can help it, not at night.

  He smiles, slaps my shoulder now in a way that suggests we might be best buddies. 'Thanks Ben, that would be brill.'

  Brill? Who says brill?

  'Shall we go in, watch our star teacher in action?' I say, forcing myself to act normal as the rain starts to spit, as usual. It's like clockwork these days. 'I'll show you the memorial wall, too.'

  When we get inside and I realize both of us are watching Izzy with as much infatuation as the kids it hits me that this situation is most definitely not normal. Especially not for me. I watch the kids shouting purple, blue, pink, orange - all of Izzy's colors - and the way she laughs and stays patient as she spells and corrects and encourages them one by one, even as her eyes flicker nervously to us.

  I can't help my sideways glances at Colin; at his hair, his handsome English face with what Charlie would've called a strong nose. I've never seen them together in photos but I can almost picture them now, cozied up and smiling. I bet they look good together. I bet he really thinks he knows her. He says he sees how different she is now, but seriously, does Colin see Izzy's colors as brightly as I do? Her real ones?

  Fuck this.

  'I'm leaving, I'll go set up your room,' I whisper to Colin. I don't give him time to respond as I head back outside, into the drizzling rain.

  ISLA

  'This must be so weird for you,' he says, standing right behind me. He puts a hand to my shoulder, studies the photo with me. I can't even speak. I remember when it was taken.

  My mom was so happy that day. She'd taken me shopping and we both bought green summer dresses for the holiday, from Zara. Dad was wearing a green shirt when we got home, so he handed me the camera and instructed me to take what he called their sea creature photo. I refused to be in it. I called them cheese-balls, so they're laughing in the shot, at me. I'm not surprised Maria chose this one.

  'It's very weird,' I reply finally, turning to Colin. I don't say it, but it's even weirder to be doing this with him instead of Ben.

  I sort of envisioned Ben would be with me when I finally plucked up the courage to visit the memorial wall, but I've hardly seen him for the past two days. He says he has a lot of admin to finish now that Kalaya's gone and they're about to close the season at Dream Dive. He also had to spend a night in the village at Lawan's after it rained too hard for him to get home. I know he's making excuses because of Colin.

  'Don't treat me differently now he's here,' I said to him last night, after I finally got hold of him on Skype of all things. 'He'll be gone in two days and I'm not going with him. I've told him we're over, Ben.'

  'Nobody's treating anybody differently. You need to do your thing with him without me, hot cross bun, whatever that is,' he replied, before the signal died on us. He sounded breezy about it, indifferent almost, but it made me feel sick. I just want Colin to go.

  I look at him now, walking up and down the walkway, looking at the wave-shaped wall and the photos of people's loved ones smiling out alongside my parents. He's been trying so hard. I've almost given up telling him we're not together; he just looks at me like a lost puppy dog every time. I've decided to be civil while he has his holiday, but I can't help comparing him to Ben every time he opens his mouth. They're so different in every possible way. They both make me feel different.

  I feel like I've been here much longer than I have. It's like those eight amazing days I spent before the tsunami, magnified one hundredfold. It's completely changed my life. Seeing Colin somehow just hammers that home and even he seems like a different person.

  'This little kid looks so cute,' he says now, squinting in the sun. I walk over to him in his pressed black shorts and yet another rugby shirt and when I look at the photo he's pointing at, I feel even more sick. It's Toby. I recognize him instantly; the curly hair that was so much like Ben's, the laughing eyes and scarlet cheeks. He's holding up a shell at the camera.

  'He looks just like I remember.' My arms curl around myself before Colin's do and I don't even have the strength to fend him off again.

  'You knew him?' he asks, resting his head on top of mine for a second.

  'Ben's little brother,' I say, just as my eyes fall on the next photo along. Charlie. He's grinning just as hard. His shaved head is glinting in the sun. His scuba mask is hanging round his neck and I can see the dive shop, how it used to be, behind him.

  This is everything that still haunts Ben. This is the reason he cries; the reason he comes back here to Khao Lak, again and again and again. They never found either of them, so a part of him can never let go. He's seen the world, but all he really sees is Toby, every time he closes his eyes. He can't stop thinking he might come back. He built the dive shop up the same so his brother will recognize it if he does.

  My eyes cloud over for him. He loves that slither of hope, I think, but he hates it too. It must be so hard. At least I had closure when my mom and dad were identified.

  'Take as long as you need,' Colin says now. The golf ball in my throat expands an inch. Colin could never give me enough time; not for myself, not to forgive him, not for anything.

  I've already decided I'm quitting my job. I'm going to stay and teach at the school till the rains stop and someone else can take over. I love it, it's the best thing I've ever done. And I want Ben, every day. I want his words in my ears, not Colin's. I want his arms, his heart for as long as he'll have mine. I've been looking for a home since my parents were killed but home was never a place, not for me, not after losing them. I didn't know that, I didn't see it.

  The conversation keeps going round in my head - the one I had with Ben at the waterfall: When we set out looking for a loved one who's never going to be found, maybe we wind up finding something else, in ourselves.

  Home is a feeling, an acceptance perhaps, that you can't control everything and neither do you have to. I've never had that, but I do now. The way I feel for Ben is out of control. It's the craziest thing I've had to face since that tsunami, but I don't want it any other way.

  It's twilight by the time we're back and I make my way along the beach to Pete's. Ben was nice enough to let Colin stay in Kalaya's old room so Colin's agreed to meet me there. He wants to talk, and I have a few things to say myself. He seriously thinks I'm getting that flight with him tomorrow. It's like he's deaf and blind to how we're worlds apart; how we probably always were.

  My heart flies up to my mouth when I realize he's not sitting alone. Ben's with him. So are the American couple he was diving with, and Sasi and Sonthi. There are buckets on the table already. They must have asked Colin to join them. Crap.

  'Hey,' Ben says as I approach the plastic covered tables on the sand. Colin hurries to pull a chair out. 'All good?'

  'Fine thanks,' I say warily as his blue eyes pierce mine. I hope I don't sound as anxious as I feel. Ben's biceps bulge almost in 3D in the candlelight as he slides the menu over to me. He's wearing a sleeveless black shirt and his khaki pants, looser than Colin's. My heart pangs. So different. Or am I just different?

  'I take it there's a bucket on the way for me?' I ask him, lining up my knife and fork.

  A faint smile plays on Ben's lips. 'You know you still can't be trusted with those,' he says. 'So, Colin tells us you went to the memorial, was it OK?'

  His smirk morphs seamlessly into a look of concern and every molecule of my being wants to reach for him and tell him everything I was thinking, standing there today where I'd have never stood if it wasn't for him.

  'It was OK, actually,' I say and he nods, looking pleased. I wanted him there but I'm glad I went anyway after Colin suggested it. Seeing my mom and dad smiling back at me - it was like they were really there. It made me feel like they really were riding that elephant with us the o
ther day, and watching me jump into that waterfall. They're everywhere I go.

  Colin is looking between us with interest. 'We saw your little brother there, in the photo,' he says to Ben. 'He looked like a nice boy, so sorry for your loss.'

  I watch as Ben's muscles turn rigid. He grips the menu so hard his knuckles flash white. His eyes turn steely grey in the low light and my heart cramps up. 'What are you drinking?' I say quickly, slamming a hand on Colin's menu. He turns to me, cocks an eyebrow like he doesn't understand what he just did. How could he? He's wearing a loose gray GAP shirt. It flaps around his thin arms as he shoos away a bug that hovers into the candlelight around the table.

  Pete walks over to us. 'Drink?'

  'Chang, thanks mate,' Colin says, still frowning at me.

  'I'll have a bucket, vodka Redbull please,' I follow. Sod it, I need a drink. 'Sasi will help me, right?'

  Colin's still frowning. 'I always stayed away from buckets, babe. They can use pretty dodgy spirits in some of these...'

  'They're perfectly fine, Colin,' I snap, making Sasi squeeze my knee under the table. I watch her hide a smile under her other hand as she whispers something in Thai to Sonthi. I know she's dying to ask me what the hell is going on, as much as I'm dying to tell them all that absolutely nothing is going on. I've been hiding Colin away though, since he first walked into the dive shop. I've taken him everywhere I know no one will go. I don't want him to tell anyone anything that might come back to bite me when he leaves. Colin loves to talk, a bit too much, as just exhibited.

  'Bloody bugs!' he shouts now, as something appears to smack into his glasses, making him jump.

  'Sorry we don't have any jars,' Ben says quickly, without looking up from the food menu.

  I hold my breath in the night. Ben's completely straight-faced. I don't know whether to laugh or feel horrified.

  'What did you say?' Colin asks him now, leaning away from something else that zooms through the air right by his face.

  'Izzy happened to mention you like to save the wildlife. Although, maybe you've changed your mind since then? It can be pretty vicious here.'

  Colin's eyes narrow. I kick Ben under the table as a smile fights its way to my face. I watch him bite his lip to stop the laugh. He's still not looking up from the menu. I bet he couldn't help that dig. I completely forgot we had that conversation on Phi Phi. But then I also forgot I told him when my birthday was. I probably shouldn't be drinking so many buckets.

  'Isla Sullivan,' Colin says authoritatively, the second we're all quiet again. He scrapes his chair back in the sand, stands up like he's about to make an urgent announcement.

  Oh God.

  'I came here on your birthday, baby... well, I meant to get here on your birthday... to tell you exactly what you mean to me, which is everything, in case you've forgotten.'

  Ben puts the menu down. He sits back in his seat and looks at him in interest as Colin drops to one knee in front of me. He reaches for the legs of my plastic chair and pulls it towards him. Everyone at the table gasps. So do two other couples behind us, eating lobster by candlelight. So do I.

  Oh God. No.

  'Colin, get up,' I say through my teeth. My temples start to thud and my palms start to sweat, but he's not moving. He's pulling something out of his pocket now. I grip the seat underneath me. No, no, no, no. 'Colin... what are you doing?'

  'I'm sorry, but it's been killing me, Izzy,' he says, putting a hand to my knee over my dress. 'I can't wait anymore. These past few months without you, and then knowing you were here, finally facing up to what happened to you, growing as a person, an incredible person...'

  'Colin, stop,' I say.

  Pete pauses midway back to us with our drinks. 'Listen,' Colin says, tightening his grip around my knee. 'I know we've had a rocky ride over the last few months, but I want you to know how much I love you, and how ready I am to give you everything. And seeing as we're all here...'

  Nerves spring into his eyes behind his glasses as he pauses to smile. The sheen of sweat on his forehead intensifies in the flickering candlelight. I know what he's going to say before he even says it but still, all the breath leaves my lungs as he flips up the lid of the box and holds it out at me. 'Izzy, I'm asking you to marry me.'

  No, no, no, no.

  I can't speak. My eyes dart to Ben. He's staring at the silver studded ring as hard as Sasi is, raking a hand through his hair, looking half shocked, half amused. My knees have turned to jelly, even sitting down. Colin looks so serious, and the ring is so sparkly. Anger replaces the shock as he looks up at me, like a puppy dog again. I can't believe this! Actually, yes I can.

  Colin planned this whole thing. He planned to propose to me after he suspected I'd finally moved on. I've seen the looks he gives Ben, even though he hasn't asked any questions. It's so Colin - staking his claim, making one grand gesture instead of the hundred small ones he never ever bothered with. He's still on his knees. Everyone's looking at us. I stand up in front of him. I have to be nice; this is so embarrassing. I clear my throat. 'Don't you think we should talk...'

  'Marry me, Izzy,' he interrupts, signaling for Pete to put the drinks down in front of us. I reach for the bucket, drink through the straw like I've never had a drink in my life. 'Our flight leaves in the morning and soon as we get back I want us to move back in. Maria knows...'

  'No, Colin, get up,' I tell him now, slamming the drink back down. 'We need to talk, Colin, get up, now.'

  He doesn't get up.

  It's Ben who gets up in the end. He doesn't say a word; he just stands and walks away from us all quickly into the shadows, until the darkness of the beach swallows him whole.

  BEN

  I hear her behind me before I turn around. I'm almost back at the huts, but she reaches for my arm, turns me to face her in the wet sand. She's panting, bending over now in her damn blue dress. She scrapes her hair back, looks up at me. 'I'm so sorry, Ben! I told him to stay there...'

  'It's OK, Izzy.'

  'No it's not. He always made all the arrangements and I always went along with it, I was an idiot! He thinks he can do the same now... '

  'You should go to him, Izzy. Marry him, or be engaged, but be with Colin.' I turn from her, start walking towards my hut, but she darts in front of me.

  'What?'

  'He's good for you,' I say, walking past her again. 'I could never give you... I could never be that person...' I stop as my voice starts to falter. Damn. I walk faster away from her, but she runs ahead of me again, holds her hand out at me.

  'Where is this coming from?'

  'It's the truth.' I keep on walking but she's up ahead, on the steps to my hut, standing on the deck, blocking my door.

  'No, it's not.'

  'Yes it is, come on Izzy, the guy's crazy about you, he flew all the way here to get you back. He wants you to move in with him!'

  'So what? I don't want that. Wait a minute, Ben.' She puts a hand against my chest now, stops me moving. Her big brown eyes are oceans. Her sunburn is still a deep red against white on her bare shoulders and she looks distraught. 'This has nothing to do with Colin, really, does it? You're seeing this as your chance to push me away, like you do everybody!' She shoves me, hard. 'Oh my God! So that's what you've been doing since you slept with me!'

  'Izzy...'

  'You push everyone away 'cause you're scared to be loved!'

  'So this is love?' I blurt. Her eyes grow wider as she drops her hand and finally lets me walk past her into my room.

  'I don't know what it is,' she says quietly, following me inside, 'but it's something and you know it is. You felt it too, the other night, I know you did. That's why you're scared of losing it. You don't want it in case you lose it. I'm right, aren't I?'

  'Thanks for the psychoanalysis, doctor Sullivan.'

  'Stop it, stop patronizing me!' She steps away from the doorframe, nostrils flaring. She's barefoot. She must have left her shoes at Pete's to run after me. 'You told me you let people go before you can hurt
them, but the truth is you don't want to get hurt yourself!'

  'Bullshit, Izzy.'

  'You don't want any more pain, of course you don't! Why would you? Neither of us does, Ben.'

  I sit down heavily on the bed, facing her. I'm shaking but I can't let it show. 'We shouldn't have slept together, I'm so sorry, it got out of control.'

  She shakes her head, walks right up to me, puts her hands to my face and makes me look at her. 'Listen to me. I wouldn't hurt you. I wouldn't leave you. Ben, you know damn well there's nothing I want from Colin anymore...'

  'Izzy, you've been with him for four years, we've known each other a matter of weeks...'

  'Stop!' She's gripping my hair now, not letting me look away. Her eyes are full of fire. She's beautiful Bizzy again, back on that beach, pissed about the fake shark. 'Don't you dare!'

  My own eyes fill with tears but I don't let them fall. Her thighs clamp around me now as she sits on my lap; gripping me with her knees. 'Don't treat me like the rest of them. You've been helping me face my stupid fears since I got here, Ben, and now you have to face up to your own - whatever's making you do this to me! Why don't you talk to your mom?'

  I try to stand up, but she's sitting on me, forcing me down. 'Stop it, Izzy!'

  'You stop it! Why don't you ever talk to her?' she says. 'Why won't you ever tell me?'

  'She blames me, OK!' I yell at her now. My fists are clenched. I can feel my pulse throbbing. 'She blames me for what happened!' I stand up with her legs wrapped around me, turn around, drop her on the bed and walk to the deck again. My heart's a race horse. Shit, shit, shit. She's behind me in a second.

  'What do you mean she blames you?' Her voice is calm, questioning now, like the teacher the kids at the school have fallen in love with. 'That makes no sense, Ben.'

  'It's my fault Toby died that day,' I say, dropping to the hammock. 'He should never have been out there. My mom was paranoid, she didn't want him in the ocean with the dive stuff on without her there...'