by Irene Hannon
Kate didn’t know. But suddenly she thought of someone who might.
“Kate! This is a surprise!” Amy exclaimed. “Did you change your mind and decide to come down for Christmas? You know you and Eric and Sarah are more than welcome. And you won’t even have to put up with Wally this time. I’m pleased to report that our guest has thankfully been returned to his owner in good health and with good riddance, just in time for the holidays. Hallelujah!”
Kate found herself smiling despite her anxiety. “Since you did such a good job, maybe Cal’s friend will ask you to iguana-sit again next year.”
“Bite your tongue!” Amy declared in horror.
“Just a thought.”
“And not a good one. But speaking of good thoughts, I’m serious about the invitation. Do you think you can drag that hardworking doctor down here for a quick visit?”
Kate played with the phone cord. “Frankly, I doubt I could convince him to visit anyone. Even me.”
There was a moment of silence while Amy processed this information. When she spoke, her voice was laced with concern. “Do you want to tell me what happened?”
“I honestly don’t know,” Kate admitted, struggling to control the tears that suddenly welled in her eyes. “It’s just that ever since the accident, he…”
“Whoa! Back up! What accident?” Amy demanded in alarm.
A pang of guilt ricocheted through Kate. She should have told Amy sooner, but she’d had other things on her mind—namely her relationship with Eric. “It wasn’t bad, Amy. Don’t worry. Some guy ran into our car the other night on the way back from the Christmas pageant. It was sleeting, and he lost control.”
“Are you and Sarah all right?”
“Sarah’s elbow is bruised, but it’s nothing serious. I’m fine.”
“How about Eric?”
Kate frowned. “What do you mean?”
“Was he hurt?”
“Oh. He wasn’t in the car. He was delayed at the hospital. By the time he got to church we’d left, so he followed us. He was right behind us when the accident happened.”
“You mean he saw the whole thing?”
“Yes.”
“Wow! That must have played havoc with his nerves. It gives me chills just to think about it. And that’s when things changed between the two of you?”
“Yes.”
“Maybe he’s just upset, Kate,” Amy speculated. “Watching something like that unfold in front of your eyes, seeing people you care about in danger and not being able to do anything about it… It probably shook him up pretty badly.”
“I know. And to make matters worse, he’d just lost a patient.” Kate briefly explained about the little boy with meningitis.
“Oh, Kate!” Amy exclaimed in horror. “Having met Eric, I imagine he was devastated.”
“Yes, he was.”
“Okay, so let’s try to piece this together,” she reasoned. “He’d already had a terrible day at the hospital. Then, not only did he disappoint Sarah, who was looking forward to having him at the pageant, but he wasn’t able to drive you. You told me once that his first marriage was more or less a disaster, largely because of conflicts between his career and personal life. And that for a long time he was afraid marriage and medicine didn’t mix. Maybe those old fears have resurfaced. He probably figures that if he had taken you, the accident might never have happened. But his job got in the way.” She paused, and when she spoke again her voice was thoughtful. “You know, I’d lay odds that right now he’s waging a pretty intense battle with guilt. And fear.”
As usual, Amy’s analytical mind had distilled the essence of the situation. “You might be right,” Kate conceded.
“Maybe he thinks you’re upset because he didn’t make the pageant. Maybe he thinks you blame him for what happened.”
“But that’s ridiculous! It wasn’t his fault!”
“Did you tell him that?”
Kate frowned. No, she hadn’t. In fact, what had she said to him the night of the accident? The whole incident was still so fuzzy. She remembered him pulling open her door, and she recalled the immense relief she’d felt, and her silent “Thank God!” But she hadn’t said that. Nor had she said, “I’m so glad you’re here,” though she’d thought that, as well. She struggled to remember her first words to him, and was almost sorry when she did, for her heart sank.
“Oh, no! I couldn’t have…” she whispered bleakly, closing her eyes, wishing with every ounce of her being that she could take back those accusatory words, spoken without thinking, in a moment of panic.
“Kate? What is it?”
“I just remembered what I said when Eric arrived on the accident scene,” she said in dismay.
“What?”
Kate drew a deep breath. “Basically, I implied that he wasn’t there for us when we needed him. Which of course only played right into the guilt he was already feeling. Big time. Oh, Amy, what am I going to do? I didn’t mean it the way it came out! I was just so frightened and worried about Sarah. I don’t even know where those words came from. He must have felt like he was reliving a nightmare. Just when he was starting to believe that marriage and medicine could mix, I say something stupid like that and blow the whole thing. He had enough guilt laid on him in his first marriage to last a lifetime. He’s sure not going to put himself in that position again. No wonder he backed off!”
“You do have a problem,” Amy conceded soberly. “Up until that point, do you think things were getting pretty…serious?”
“Very. In fact, I think he was…” She swallowed past the lump in her throat. “I think he was going to ask me to marry him, Amy.”
“Were you going to accept?”
“Yes.”
“Then you can’t let this setback stand in the way,” she declared resolutely.
“But I can’t take back those words. And he isn’t likely to forget them.”
“I agree. What you need now are some more words.”
“Do you want to explain that?”
“Let me ask you something first, Kate. How much do you love Eric?”
“So much that I can’t even imagine a future without him anymore,” she replied softly, without hesitation.
“Then you love him enough to do something totally out of character?”
“What exactly do you have in mind?” Kate asked, suddenly cautious.
“Just answer the question.”
Kate drew a deep breath. She wasn’t sure she was going to be comfortable with whatever Amy was going to suggest. But she also knew that her sister’s advice would be sound. It always was. “Yes.”
“Good,” Amy declared with satisfaction. “Because I have a plan.”
Eric frowned as he pulled up in front of his mother’s house. Why was Kate’s car here? He and Anna were supposed to pick up Kate and Sarah later, in time for Christmas Eve services, and they were all going to spend the day together tomorrow. Kate had canceled her usual holiday trip to Amy’s when they’d made those arrangements. If she hadn’t, he would have begged off from the whole thing. It was bound to be awkward.
Eric knew that Kate was confused and troubled by the change in their relationship. The intimacy they’d begun to create had been replaced by polite formality, the closeness by distance. In fact, if Christmas hadn’t been only days away, he’d have cut the ties entirely by now, as painful as that would be. God knew, it wasn’t what he wanted to do. But he felt he had no choice. During the last few weeks he’d gradually begun to believe that with Kate, things could be different; that she wouldn’t come to resent the demands of his profession—and ultimately him—as Cindy had. And yet, in a moment of crisis, at a time when the heart often spoke truths even it hadn’t recognized, she’d voiced a resentment, a blame, that had pierced him to his very core. He doubted whether she even recalled what she’d said. But though she might not remember her words, they were ones he could never forget.
Eric closed his eyes and gripped the steering wheel as his gut twisted pai
nfully. With all his heart he wished there was a way out of this dilemma, an answer to the same question that had plagued him during his marriage to Cindy: where did his first loyalty lie? It was a conflict he’d never been able to reconcile. Cindy had made her opinion clear. And—intentionally or not—so had Kate. He desperately wished he could promise her it would never happen again, but that would be a lie. It would happen again. And again. And again. Until finally she, too, grew disillusioned and bitter. He couldn’t do that to her. Or to himself.
Wearily Eric climbed out of the car. For everyone’s sake he needed to be upbeat for the holiday. There would be time for sadness, for dealing with the loss of a dream, later. But getting through the next thirty-six hours with even a semblance of holiday cheer wasn’t going to be easy.
The fragrant smell of pine mingling with the aroma of freshly baked cookies greeted him as he stepped inside the door, and he paused for a moment to let the warm, comforting holiday smells work their soothing magic. They took him back many years, to the happy days of his boyhood, and his lips curved up at the pleasant memories. If only life could be as simple as it had been in those idyllic days of youth, when the most pressing question he faced was whether there would be a shiny red bike under the tree, come Christmas morning.
“Eric! I thought I heard you,” Anna greeted him with a smile as she stepped into the small foyer.
“Hello, Mom.” He bent and kissed her cheek. “Merry Christmas.”
“Merry Christmas to you. I’m glad you came early.”
“You asked me to.”
“So I did. It’s nice to see you still listen to your mother once in a while,” she teased.
“You know I’m always at your beck and call. But I’m surprised to see that Kate and Sarah are here,” he remarked, striving for a casual tone. “I thought we were picking them up for services later.”
“Well, when Kate called earlier, she sounded awfully lonesome. She and Sarah were all by themselves, so I invited them to come over early. I figured, why not spend the time together? I baked a ham, and there’s plenty for two more. I didn’t think you’d mind,” she teased.
Eric hadn’t said anything to his mother about his plans to stop seeing Kate, and tonight wasn’t the time to break the news—not when he knew she had hopes for a wedding in the not-too-distant future. It would ruin her Christmas. And one ruined Christmas was enough. “Of course not.”
“Hi, Dr. Eric!” Sarah dashed into the hallway and launched herself at him.
He reached down and swept her up. “Hi, yourself, sweetie. How’s that elbow?”
She cocked it for him to see. “It’s still kind of blue.” Then she put her small arms around his neck and smiled. “You know what?”
His throat tightened. This was something else he was going to miss—the trusting touch of a child who loved him. “What?”
“This is the best Christmas ever!”
Eric’s gut clenched again. How he hated to hurt this child! He was sure Kate would find a way to explain their breakup without making him sound like a villain. That was her way. But he sure felt like one. And as he looked into Sarah’s happy, guileless face, so filled with the optimism of youth, he suddenly felt old.
“Sarah, honey, are you ready to decorate that next batch of cookies?” Anna asked.
“Yes. Do you want a cookie, Dr. Eric? Aunt Anna made them, and I decorated them,” she told him proudly.
“I’ll have one a little later,” he promised as he set her down. He glanced at his mother as Sarah scampered back to the kitchen. “Where’s Kate?”
“Right here,” she replied breathlessly, coming up behind Anna.
As always, Eric was moved by the translucent beauty of her face. These last few weeks it had seemed almost luminous, filled with a soft light and a peace that reflected a soul at rest. But today she seemed a bit…different. He couldn’t quite put his finger on it. Her eyes were a little too bright, for one thing. And her face was flushed. There was also an unusual energy radiating from her, making her movements seem agitated. He frowned, both curious and concerned.
“Are you all right?” he asked.
Her flush deepened. “Yes, of course. A little warm from all that cookie baking, though. Anna, I think I’ll take a walk. I love this crisp weather, and I feel a touch of snow in the air. I won’t be gone long,” she promised, opening the hall closet to retrieve her coat.
“Kate, dear, do you think you should?” Anna asked worriedly. “It’s getting dark.”
“I’ll be fine. A little fresh air will do me good.”
Anna turned to Eric with a frown. “I’m not crazy about her walking alone, even if it is Christmas Eve.”
“Please don’t worry, Anna. I won’t be gone long. Just down to the park and back,” Kate reassured her as she pulled on her gloves.
Eric wasn’t crazy about the idea, either. But Kate seemed determined to go. He frowned, waging an internal debate. Spending time alone with her was the last thing he wanted to do. The temptation to touch her, to feel her melt into his arms, was hard enough to resist when there were other people present. He wasn’t sure his self-control would hold when it was just the two of them. Despite recent events and his subsequent resolve to end their relationship, he still loved her. He still wanted her to be his wife. And deep in his heart, he still wanted to believe they could work out the conflict between their personal life as a couple and his career. But his confidence had been badly shaken. He just couldn’t find the courage to trust his heart—or his judgment. They had betrayed him once. How could he be sure they wouldn’t again?
“Eric, I really don’t like this,” Anna prompted more forcefully.
His gaze swung from Kate to Anna’s concerned face, then back to Kate. He didn’t, either. It wasn’t safe for Kate to be wandering around in the dark by herself. There was really no choice.
“Why don’t I go with you?” he suggested. “If you don’t mind the company.”
Did her smile seem relieved? Or was it just his imagination?
“I don’t mind in the least. Thank you.” She picked up a tote bag, slung it over her shoulder and gazed expectantly at Eric.
He hesitated for a moment, then pulled open the door and stepped aside. “We won’t be long, Mom,” he said as Kate moved past him, leaving a faint, pleasing fragrance in her wake.
“Don’t hurry. We won’t eat for at least an hour,” she assured them.
Kate waited while he shut the door, then fell into step beside him as they headed down the sidewalk. Dusk was just beginning to fall, and the lights from Christmas trees twinkled merrily in the windows. Few cars passed, leaving the peace and stillness of the evening largely undisturbed.
“I’ve always liked Christmas Eve,” Kate said softly. “I remember as a child it was filled with such a sense of wonder and hope and anticipation. As if great, exciting things were about to happen. Was it like that for you?”
Eric shoved his hands into the pockets of his overcoat. His breath made frosty clouds in the cold air, but his heart was warm as he thought of Christmases past. “Yes, it was. Thanks to Mom and Dad. They made me feel that somehow anything was possible during this magical season. It’s a shame we have to grow up and lose that belief in endless possibilities.”
They strolled for a few minutes in silence, and just as they reached the park a few large, feathery flakes began to drift down. The distant strains of “Silent Night” floated through the quiet air as carolers raised their voices in the familiar, beloved melody.
“My favorite Christmas song,” Kate murmured, her lips curving up sweetly. “Could we sit for a minute?” She nodded toward a park bench tucked between two fir trees bedecked with twinkling white lights.
Eric hesitated. He was already pushing his luck, going on this walk. He’d had to fight the impulse to reach over and take her hand every step of the way. Sitting on a park bench, where the shimmering lights were sure to add a luster to her ebony hair and bring out the sparkle in her eyes, was downright dan
gerous. “It’s getting awfully dark, Kate,” he objected.
“Please, Eric? We don’t have to stay long. But the song is so beautiful.”
There was no way he could refuse her when she looked at him like that, her eyes soft and hopeful, her face glowing. He drew a deep breath and slowly let it out. “Okay.”
Kate led the way to the bench and sat down, carefully setting the tote bag beside her. He joined her more slowly, keeping a modest distance between them. As they sat there quietly, listening to the distant, melodic voices, Eric stole a glance at Kate. She seemed oblivious to the snowflakes that clung to her hair like gossamer stars, giving her an ethereal beauty. Her gaze was fixed on something in the distance, and he wondered what she was thinking.
Please, Lord, give me the courage to go through with this, Kate prayed silently. I’ve never been the bold type, but I think Amy’s right. This may be the only way to convince Eric how much I care. Please, let me feel Your presence and help me to find the right words.
As the last strains of “Silent Night” faded away, her heart began to hammer painfully against her rib cage. So before her courage could waver, she clasped her hands tightly in her lap, took a deep breath and turned to him.
“Eric, I’ve been thinking a lot about what happened the night of the accident. And I think we need to talk about it,” she said as firmly as she could manage, considering her insides were quivering like the proverbial bowlful of jelly.
Startled, he jerked his gaze to hers. Confrontation wasn’t her style, yet there was a touch of that in both her voice and the determined tilt of her chin. And she was right, of course. They did need to talk. But he didn’t want to do it on Christmas Eve. “Kate, can’t we put this on hold until after…”
“No.” Her tone was quiet but resolved. “My life has been on hold too long, Eric.” She reached into the tote bag at her feet, withdrew a flat, rectangular package and held it out to him. “Let’s start with this.”
