Almost Christmas

by Brooke St. James

  "No," I said, shivering.

  "I'm glad you called," she said. "I was hoping you'd call for Christmas so I could tell you. He came by last night."

  "He's not coming here, is he?" I asked. "He couldn't be. He doesn't even know where I am."

  "I don't know what his plans were," she said. "You should call him. Are you doing okay?"

  "I'm fine. I feel weird that Jeff knows where I am."

  "Why'd you stop in Virginia?" she asked.

  "My car broke down," I said.

  She let out an exasperated sigh. "I'm sorry. I hate that. I guess that's why you had to go to a mechanic. What happened? Are you gonna be able to get it fixed?"

  "It's done," I said.

  "I thought you were heading way south," she said, hinting at Florida without saying it.

  "I was, but my car broke down, and then I sort of…" I hesitated since it just did not feel right for me to say I met someone. "I like it here. I thought about staying for a little while."

  She knew exactly what my financial situation was, so she asked the obvious question. "Where are you sleeping?"

  "I met a family," I said. I looked at my surroundings. "They have a sheep farm."

  "Don't tell me anything," she said. "I don't want to accidently mention it. I almost feel like it's better if I don't know. You're not planning on staying there, are you?"

  "I thought about it," I said, after a long pause.

  "On a sheep farm?"

  "I don't know," I said. "I wasn't expecting you to say Jeff knew where I was, so right now I'm not sure what I'm gonna do."

  "Just get a restraining order, or at least tell the cops you aren't missing," she said. "He's getting the them to help find you when they need to be doing the opposite."

  "I didn't think it was going to come to this. I thought he would just leave me alone."

  "I did too, but part of me wasn't surprised when he came over."

  "How's your Christmas?" I asked, even though I could barely think.

  "It's good. Mom didn't burn the turkey this year, and I got that perfume I've been wanting. How about you?"

  "It's honestly, uh, surreal, Kristen. I'm getting gifts I always wanted, and eating good food with this big, happy family. I feel like I'm in some sort of dreamland."

  "Well, compared to Jeff, anything is a dreamland, Mae."

  "No, I mean, it seriously is. It's like I've gone crazy, and I'm dreaming all of this."

  "Have you?" she asked.

  I laughed. "I don't think so, but it's hard to believe."

  "I don't know what to tell you to do about Jeff. You might want to call him."

  "I will."

  "Do me a favor, and call me again once you figure things out. I don't want to worry about you."

  "I will," is said. "It might be a little while, but I will."

  Kristen and I hung up, saying love you, and miss you, and all that good stuff, and I slipped the phone into the back pocket of my jeans, feeling numb.

  I walked over to the kitchen window, and was relieved when I could see Jesse standing inside. I waved, and the movement of my hand caught his attention. He smiled and instantly started heading outside to meet me. I walked away from the window, waiting for him to join me.

  "You okay?" he asked. His concerned expression made it obvious that he knew something was wrong.

  "I think I might need to keep going," I said. I wanted to cry, but I held back tears. "I really don't want to bring you guys into my drama."

  "What drama? What happened?"

  "Jeff found out about my car being at Chance's. How does that even happen? The mechanics just call the cops and tell them what cars they're working on?"

  "I don't know," he said in an uncertain tone as if this whole conversation was taking him by surprise. "What happened?"

  I sank my face into my hand, massaging my eyebrows as if that motion could delete the dialogue I just had with Kristen. He stepped beside me, putting an arm around me, and I collapsed onto him, feeling grateful for the physical contact and the support.

  "I called Kristen, and she said Jeff came to see her saying he knew I was in Virginia. She didn't know if he was planning on coming up here or what, but he knew I was here, apparently." I let out a long, defeated sigh. "I really don't want to drag you into this, Jesse. It's making me feel sick to say this, but I think I need to get out of here. I think bringing y'all into this madness just isn't an option."

  I glanced at the house—the one that was full of good, clean, wholesome, non-drama people, and then I focused on Jesse with an expression that reflected all the regret I felt.

  "I can't let him come here," I said.

  "Let him come here," Jesse said, pacing and shaking his head. He cracked his knuckles and stretched his arms while he paced, as if he was getting ready for some kind of fight. "I want that guy to come here, Mae."

  "Jesse, no," I said. "I would never let that happen."

  "Well, you're not letting him make you leave, that's for sure. He can't do that. If you want to leave because you want to leave, that's one thing, but if it's about him, I'm not letting you do it. Let him come here."

  "I'm gonna try calling him and telling him to leave me alone."

  "Call him," Jesse said.

  "Now?"

  He nodded, and I dug the phone from my pocket again. I dialed *67 before I added Jeff's number. I shook my head as I held the phone to my ear.

  He answered on the second ring. "Hello?"

  My heart was racing like mad with fear and nerves, and I leaned my forehead against Jesse's shoulder for support. He put an arm around my shoulder, which strengthened me somehow.

  "Jeff, it's Mae."

  "Where the (cuss) are you, Mae?"

  "It doesn't matter," I said, my voice coming out weaker than I hoped. "I don't want you following me. I'm getting a restraining order. I should have already done that before I left."

  "Don't be ridiculous, Mae. You just went a little crazy during the holidays. That happens to people."

  "I'm not crazy Jeff, and I don't owe you anything. I left because I wanted to leave, and I'm not coming back. I don't want you chasing after me."

  Jesse pulled back to stare down at me when I said that. He gestured to the phone, asking if I wanted him to take over, and I handed it to him.

  "Is this Jeff Kerry?" Jesse asked.

  "Who the (cuss) is asking?" I heard Jeff ask on the other end.

  "I'm the man who's waiting for you to set foot in Virginia. I know what you did to her. She took pictures. I'll be waiting to return the favor to you should you ever choose to come looking for her."

  "Who the (cuss) is this?" Jeff repeated. I could clearly hear him even though Jesse had the phone to his ear.

  "I told you, I'm the person who's waiting for you if you to try to follow Mae. You will absolutely never lay a hand on her again. I have a big family, and we have no problems handling things ourselves."

  "Are you threatening me?" Jeff asked.

  "I'm definitely threatening you," Jesse said. "Try to come anywhere near Mae and see what happens. I actually wish you would."

  "You can't tell me what to do," Jeff said (with cussing interjected about every other word) like the immature idiot he was.

  "Yeah, I sort of can, and I am. You need to move on with your life. Mae Abbott is no longer a part of it."

  "Who is this? Are you holding her hostage? You better not be hurting her," I heard Jeff say.

  I scoffed and rolled my eyes at such a ridiculous accusation. I grabbed the phone from Jesse and held it to my ear. "You're the one who hurt me Jeff," I whispered adamantly. "If anyone held me hostage, it was you. I'm not coming back, and I don't want you to follow me." I paused. "You have to leave me alone, or I'm pressing charges."

  There was a long silence.

  "Don't you come crawling back to me when you're broke," he said angrily. "Because you don't have a home here anymore." The more he spoke, the madder he got. Everything he said was littered with profanity. He
said a bunch of other stuff about me being dead to him and things like that, but it was brief, and within a minute, we were off the phone.

  Jesse assured me he could tell that Jeff wasn't going to pursue me just by the things he said and the way he said them. I was a little too overwhelmed to go back in the house with his family right away, so Jesse and I went for a drive so that I could let everything sink in.

  I used his phone to look up restraining orders, and discovered that my situation didn't even fit into a category that would allow the county to issue one. Jesse reassured me it wouldn't be necessary, and I took comfort in his confidence. I called Kristen again when we were on our way back to his mom's house just to let her know what was going on.

  Chapter 19

  Nina's family was gone by the time we got back to the farm. CeCe's crew was still there, but several people were laid out in the living room taking a mid-afternoon siesta. Lou made a pot of coffee and sat with Jesse and me on the huge enclosed porch that extended off the back of their house. Jesse acted like none of that even happened with Jeff, which was fine by me.

  "Why'd you need to get in touch with Jules Shaw?" Lou asked after we'd been out there a while.

  I had no idea who Jules Shaw was, so it took me completely off guard when Jesse said, "To buy a fiddle," as if it was the obvious reason to get in touch with this man.

  She smiled and squinted at her son. "I know, but why'd you need a fiddle?" she asked.

  "He bought it for me," I said.

  "But she wants to play it like a violin."

  "Can you play?" Lou asked, smiling broadly at me.

  "Not yet," I said shyly. "I mentioned that I wanted to learn, and your son… Jesse." I cleared my throat. "Your son might just be the most thoughtful person I've ever met."

  Jesse was standing a few feet from where his mother and I were sitting. He had been absentmindedly tossing one of Drew's Nerf footballs into the air. He glanced at me for saying he was thoughtful, and I smiled and wrinkled my nose at him.

  "He's my only little boy, and he's a good one," she said proudly, making him smirk sweetly at her. "I haven't seen him like this in a while," she added, staring at her son as he smiled.

  "Mom…"

  She held up a hand. "I'm sorry, Jesse, but it's true. It makes my heart happy to see you smiling again."

  "I know, Mom, but Mae doesn't need added pressure right now. She's got her own stuff to worry about."

  She glanced at me with a concerned expression. "I'm certainly not trying to put any pressure on you, sweetheart. (a short pause) Okay, maybe a little bit, since I'm seeing what's going on here," she added in a silly way as she wiggled a finger in her son's direction, causing us all to laugh.

  CeCe and Drew came onto the porch, and we changed the subject to other, less personal matters. We hung out at his mom's, playing with Drew's new toys and sitting around doing a whole lot of nothing. Before I knew it, the sun had gone down and Lou was in the process of reheating the leftovers for dinner.

  She gave us an hour warning, and I asked Jesse if we could go to the barn. I knew Drew would want to come with us if he heard me say it, so I asked Jesse in secret. It wasn't that I didn't like Drew, because I did. I liked him very much. I thought he was a great kid. It's just that I had been in such close proximity with Jesse all day, and yet I had hardly made physical contact with him at all. It might seem immature, but basically, I wanted to go out to the barn just so I could hold onto him on the four-wheeler ride.

  Jesse seemed to appreciate that I whispered about wanting to go, and he looked me over with an appraising stare that made me feel giddy. He snuck us out through the side door without anyone noticing, grabbing two oversized jackets on the way out that didn't even belong to us. I shrugged into mine, smiling at the way he easily let me use his family's stuff—he just didn't even skip a beat with making me feel like I was one of them. I was more at home there than I had ever been in any of my own homes, which was an absolute crazy feeling.

  I got my wish. It was dark out, and Jesse held my hand the whole way to the four-wheeler, and he didn't let go of my hand when he helped me off of it. It felt so good to finally touch him.

  We walked all along the center rows of the barn, looking into all the individual stalls, and stopping to pet some of the young lambs. Jesse was talking about life on a farm in a way that made me know he wanted me to be a part of what was going on there. I wanted so desperately to say, "Yes! Sign me up! Count me in!" but it still felt so weird—so strange that I could just fall backwards into this ready-made perfect life.

  Jesse stopped walking when we reached the end of the barn. It was warmer in there than it was outside, so we stopped short of the door. He pulled me by the hand, and I stepped closer to him. We stood so close that I was, yet again, breathless. The smells and sounds of the barn along with Jesse's confident masculinity had me feeling swept away.

  He must have taken my speechlessness for indecisiveness, because he said, "Mae, I know you feel like you need to be your own person right now or whatever, but I want you to know you have a place here—"

  I cut him off by popping up to give him a quick kiss. I meant to do it on his mouth, but I missed and got his cheek. He smiled and wrapped his hands around my waist, holding me even closer. I was keenly aware of his hands on my back, and even through the layers of clothes, and I relished having them there.

  "I know you don't want a man telling you whether you can go or stay," he said. "So, I won't do that. But I want to," he added sweetly. "I wish I could make you stay." He stared down at me. "I can almost identify with him in that regard."

  "You don't identify with that man in any way," I said, looking into his eyes and seeing nothing of the same characteristics I saw in Jeff. All I saw was love. I loved that he wanted me to stay.

  I reached up and put my hand on his cheek. I was halfway through the motion when I realized my fingers were trembling, but it was too late. I just went ahead and touched the side of his face, hoping he didn't feel how shaky I was. I moved my fingers as a distraction, and I ended up running my fingertips through his hair, just above his ear.

  He made a noise in his chest as a means of acknowledging my affection and telling me he wanted it to continue. I smiled and bit the inside of my lip shyly.

  "You like me," he said.

  "So much," I agreed in a whisper.

  We stood there looking at each other.

  "Stay," he said.

  There was absolutely nothing I wanted to do more. And then I realized something. I honestly didn't care if this whole thing ended in disaster. As long as this man was asking me to stay… I wasn't leaving. I nodded as if he had asked me a yes or no question.

  "Yes, what?" he asked, seeing me nod.

  I shrugged shyly. "I mean, who would say no to staying here?" I asked, gesturing to my surroundings.

  He knew I had a dry sense of humor, and I could tell by his speculative expression that he thought I was joking around about being in a barn.

  "I'm being serious," I said, smiling at him. "This place is beautiful. Virginia's beautiful. Your family's beautiful."

  "You're beautiful," he said.

  I let my hand drop from the back of his head, but only to his chest, where I held on to the collar of his jacket. I stared at him with an expression that must have reflected my adoration, because his next statement was a warning.

  "I'm not perfect, Mae. I don't see myself ever being able to totally forget what happened with me."

  "None of us can forget all the stuff we've been through in our lives. We all carry it around like suitcases."

  "I know what they say about giving your burdens to God and everything, but that's easier said than done."

  Maybe you already did give it to Him," I said. "Maybe He's got it already, and you just think you're still carrying it."

  "I have to say, it feels about…" he hesitated, wiggling his shoulders as if weighing something. "…ten pounds lighter right now."

  I giggled. "You feel ten
pounds lighter?" I asked.

  "Yeah, about ten," he agreed, with a deadpan expression even though he was being playful.

  I smiled. "I know how to shave a few more pounds off," I said.

  "You do?" He raised his eyebrows as if waiting for me to state my plan.

  "Close your eyes," I said.

  He smiled cautiously as he closed his eyes, and I reached up and placed a kiss directly on his mouth.

  He made guttural noise and pulled me closer, extending the kiss from a tiny little peck to something that lasted longer. Our lips softened as we relaxed, and we held our mouths there for several long seconds. I felt like everything inside my body was made of some hot gooey liquid—like warm honey was running through my veins. I reached up again, letting my fingertips touch the side of his hair and move to the back of his head. I stared at the perfect shape of his lips before I stretched up to let my mouth lightly graze his—just the top curves of my lip touching the bottom curves of his. He leaned down, taking my top lip into his mouth for a second before letting go of it again.

  "What are you giving me for Christmas?" he asked.

  I was so dazed by his kiss that I took a second to answer.

  "My bunny," I said. It was the truth, but somehow that word sounded silly coming out of my mouth.

  He gave me an easy smile that made me know he thought I was joking around.

  "I'm serious, I was planning on leaving him for you. He's all wrapped up and everything."

  Jesse continued to stare at me with an unreadable expression. "There is absolutely no way I could take your bunny, Mae."

  He knew the story of my bunny. I don't even remember where I got him, that's how long I've had him. He is the one toy that had been with me through it all. I remember staring at him and adjusting his clothes for hours at a time while my mom was inadvertently exposing me to things I should have never been exposed to.

  Jesse knew about my bunny because Jack had come out into the living room with him in his mouth, and I had really gotten onto him for it. After that, I explained who the bunny was and let Jesse take a look at him. Anyway, he was the best thing I owned—the only thing I owned that had any significance to me.