Breaking Joseph

by Lucy V. Morgan

“Just…what you want,” I said, whimpering as he clasped my hips. “I can be that.”

  He angled me to take everything and then I was possessed, forged open, taunted by his flesh. I was nearing the peak of things, where the sun would tumble and crack like an egg.

  Then he found the stem tips nestled between my legs. Inch by savage little inch, he pulled.

  I howled as if the moon was rising. The scratches swelled and split as the thorns gouged a nettled path. He pulled thread from seams and I was coming undone, coming away…coming. Ah, ah. I couldn’t jerk away from the contractions as he bore down on me; he shoved me into them, made me suffer them, groaned as they ricocheted around his cock. The orgasm devoured my insides and left my whole abdomen as sore as my throat.

  When I was done, he flipped me over and carefully spread my thighs to admire his handiwork. Sticky trickles of blood welled either side of my mound and he stroked the little gashes, delighting in my yelps.

  “No fun leaving a battle without scars.” He smiled.

  I gazed up at him, still panting. “Where are yours?”

  Joseph bent to kiss me, his hand spanning my stomach and printing petals in scarlet blood. “Here,” he said, “and dozens of women before you. Scars can be more than wounds, Leila. They walk away from me, but not really. I bear them all the same.”

  “Then why am I here?” Why was I different?

  “I gave you the knife,” he insisted, his tone wavering.

  Above him, the sun was swallowed by darkening cloud and now the tree was a hand stretched over us. Waiting.

  “I gave you the knife. Won’t you sever them for me?” He almost fell back inside me, his forehead smacking to mine.

  I wrapped my legs around his waist and let him find his place in the world. In New York, I’d felt like it was Purgatory; now it was Eden and everything that came with it.

  “Joe.” I gasped, “I…I love–”

  Something soft brushed my cheek, and a voice tutted. I glanced aside to find a stuffed rabbit shaking its head at me.

  “You’re late,” it said.

  Joseph rolled his eyes at him. “Fuck off.”

  “I said, you’re late.” Its plastic nose seemed to dance on the stitch. “Too late.”

  “Wolves eat rabbits,” Joseph murmured, nuzzling at my ear. “Don’t listen, baby.”

  “I taste like apples,” said the rabbit, and its mouth split open to flash jagged pips for teeth.

  I screamed.

  First, it was into his shoulder. The sound reverberated with his quivering pulse. Then it was against my pillow; softer, colder. Dead.

  I trembled beneath the bed covers, staring at the untouched pillow beside me. There was no indent, no whisper of a ghost; he gave me the knife but I cut in the wrong places, and he would not follow me to Salisbury after all.

  The moon slid beneath the curtains and licked me with its forked tongue. I had expected him here now and yet, he was missing.

  I love you.

  You’re my safety word.

  Except Joseph never wanted a safety word.

  Whether he needed one, I would never know.

  Chapter 21

  Clemmie arrived at nine with armfuls of bacon and bread rolls, and the removal van pulled up soon after.

  “Thanks for cooking again,” I said through my toothbrush, hugging her as she came through.

  “No worries. Where there are sweaty men, there should be pig sandwiches.” She glanced in the fridge. “Do you remember where you packed your ketchup?”

  I grimaced. “I’ll get Aidan to bring some.”

  I couldn’t quite believe that this was my final morning in London. I wouldn’t return to a City job after qualifying in Salisbury–this was my last hurrah. Now, I watched the boxes disappear into the van for storage and I felt like a halfhearted attempt at a jigsaw, split through someone else’s hands. I could only take a few of my things to Matt’s, and Charlotte hadn’t been invited.

  “It’s weird, thinking that you’ll be living here,” I said to Clemmie.

  She piled sliced rolls on to the chopping board. “I know. I’m still slightly peeved that you’re leaving me, but maybe we both need a new start, right? Besides.” She grinned. “I can borrow your Aidan from time to time.”

  “You can borrow any part of me that you like,” Aidan chirped, dumping a bag on the counter and grabbing Clemmie around the waist. She whooped as she peeled him away reluctantly.

  “I got carried away with the condiments,” he said.

  I peeked in the bag. “Reggae Reggae sauce?” I arched an eyebrow at him.

  “I’ve been running, I’m all drunk on endorphins!” He leaned on Clemmie and groaned into the frying pan. “God, that smells good.”

  “I’m the one leaving, you know. Where’s my inappropriate grope hug?”

  “Ooh. You asked for it.” He bounded over, heaving me up and spinning me about. “Let me know if I’m groping the wrong places!”

  “Aidan, you arse!” I shrieked with laughter. “Put me down!”

  “Quickie in the bedroom? One for the road?” He sighed. “Once you shack up with Mattman, I really won’t be able to sleep with you again. It’d be a question of loyalty.”

  “He’s lending me his bedroom, not stamping me with a cattle brand,” I complained.

  “Yeah, yeah. Even Clemmie agrees with me,” he said.

  I shot Clemmie an accusing look. “Agrees with what?”

  “Come on, Leila. I give you two weeks before you sleep with him. Tops.” She paused to add more bacon to the pan. “Not that I’m judging you–I probably wouldn’t last that long.”

  “I’m really not going to.”

  “Not going to what?” asked Matt. He held a tray of coffees in one hand and brushed freshly washed hair from his eyes with the other.

  “Sleep with you,” Aidan said helpfully.

  He lowered his eyes, blushing furiously. “I’m sure I’ll cope.”

  Change the subject! “You’re early.”

  “Yeah, well…did all my moving this week, so thought I might as well come and help out.”

  I smiled up at him as I passed. “Thank you. You’ve met Clemmie, right?”

  “No, actually.” He gave her a little wave. “Nice to meet you, though.”

  Her eyes lit up as she fluttered painted nails back. “You too. Finally.”

  I helped myself to a coffee and picked the lid off to smear my finger with foam.

  “I heard that Poppy and Isobel were dealt with,” Matt said, staring at me.

  Aidan looked up. “Lei-Lei! Spill at once.”

  “Oh. Right.” I was so embarrassed by what Joseph had done–for me?–that revealing felt greasy and self-indulgent. “Poppy got seconded to Kazakhstan.”

  The boys blinked at me and then crumpled in on each other.

  “Oh God. Oh God,” Aidan guffawed. “Is nice, is vay good there!”

  “That’s classic!” Matt had to steady himself against the counter. “Is it for real?”

  “Yep.” I couldn’t stop the grin from claiming my face. “And she’s going with Yves.”

  Matt slapped the counter and Clemmie nearly jumped half a foot in the air.

  “Who’s Yves?” she asked.

  “Very drunk, smug, pervy partner.” Also annoying and unprofessional, but with too many years’ service to disappear quietly. “They’ve only done it to get rid of him without causing any problems.”

  “Serves her right, then,” Clemmie said.

  “She thought she was going to New York with Joseph,” I added.

  “She thought she was going to bone him like, bow-chick-a-wow-wow,” Aidan crooned, pretending to spank an invisible arse.

  Matt pursed his lips dubiously and I remembered that he’d tried to sleep with Poppy at the Christmas party, when drunk. We exchanged knowing looks and he winced in embarrassment.

  “And what about Joseph’s ex?” said Clemmie, layering bacon on to rolls. “What happened with her in the end?”
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  “Suffice to say that, erm…it turns out the relationship wasn’t as good as it looked,” I said, “and half the office is aware of an unsavoury habit of hers.”

  Aidan gave a knowing nod. “She misfires during anal.”

  “Something like that.”

  I took the sandwiches out to the removal men with steaming cups of tea. Matt gave some sort of sermon on brown sauce, but after the anal comment, Clemmie could not be tempted.

  Dad arrived not long after and we waved off the van before jumping into the lift.

  “Mr Vaughn.” Clemmie stood on tiptoe to give him a kiss. “It’s been ages!”

  “Look at you, eh!” He gestured to her. “You make me feel old.”

  “That’s because you are old, Dad.” I thrust a bacon sandwich into his hand before he could reprimand me. “You’ve met Matt. This is my friend Aidan.”

  Dad shook hands with Aidan, and then Matt. “You’re being very good to Leila,” he said, nodding appreciatively. “We can’t thank you enough.”

  “It’s no bother,” Matt insisted.

  “Have you and Mum found a house yet?” I asked.

  He paused to squirt brown sauce on his roll. “We put an offer in yesterday, as it happens. Ten minutes from the village, massive garden. Office for your mother.”

  “Oh? What does she need one of those for?”

  “She’s going back to uni,” he said drily.

  “That will be nice for you.” I sniggered. “What about you, what are you going to do?”

  “I might be teaching at the college, actually. Agricultural stuff.” He looked bright, positive; I hadn’t seen him relaxed in so long. I almost hugged him on the spot.

  “Anyway,” I said, “I’m going to get my keys sorted for Clem.”

  “I’ll do this some justice,” he held his sandwich up. “We’ll be off soon, yes?”

  Matt refilled his plate. “There’s no rush.”

  “I can only keep the car outside for forty minutes,” Dad explained.

  Matt squinted at his watch and then peered through the window. “Oh. Okay then.”

  I wandered about the flat, checking drawers and cupboards for forgotten bits and pieces. I ran cleaning wipes around the bathroom again and then stared into the mirror, straightened my hair; wondered which side I was on now.

  I was too numb to tell.

  “Lei-Lei?” I jumped as Aidan put his head around the door. “Are you okay?”

  “Kind of.”

  “Come here.” He folded me into one of his crippling hugs. “You’re going to be fine down there. Fabulous, in fact.”

  “Promise?” I sniffed.

  “Oh, don’t be such a silly madam. I’ll come and see you soon, okay? It sounds like Salisbury needs a serious ginger cock injection, anyway.”

  “You won’t be allowed if you talk like that!” I was half laughing, half crying; already pulled in two different ways. “Where’s Matt?”

  “He’s gone to get his car.”

  “Just worried about Dad cornering him. He and Mum think we’re about to get married.” I sighed.

  “Give it a little while and everybody will stop joking about that. Really. Even me,” he added, squeezing me. “You might even find yourself a proper boyfriend there.”

  “I had a proper boyfriend, cheers.”

  “I don’t see him around this morning,” he said pointedly.

  I shrugged. “I was too late.” The rabbit and his pip-teeth flashed before me. Shudder.

  “Can I join the luvvie session?” Clemmie teased us apart. “Leila, you moose. Why are you crying?”

  “Because!” I pushed my face into her shoulder.

  “Stop it. You’ll make me…” Her voice wobbled and then she joined me with great, fat tears. “It’s a good job this mascara is waterproof.”

  “Why are you wearing mascara this early? You whore,” I sobbed. “You make me look bad.”

  Aidan slid out quietly, leaving us alone.

  “I do not. You’re the one they pay hundreds for, remember?”

  I pulled back to wipe my eyes. “Thousands, sometimes.”

  “Gosh. Really?”

  “Really.” I started laughing again, steadying myself against her.

  “Maybe I need to start working with Aidan,” she mused, looking shocked.

  “Don’t be ridiculous.” I caught sight of myself in the mirror and grimaced. “Clem, have you got your bag of tricks with you?”

  She put her hands on her hips. “Always. Do you want me to sort you out?”

  “How can you tell?”

  “I figured you don’t want to turn up at Matt’s looking like a prisoner of war, or something.”

  “Charming. Slutface,” I grumbled. “Be gone with you. Work your magic!”

  Aidan and Dad filled the car with the remains of my belongings, and Clemmie made me look presentable with tickling brushes and smooth serum.

  “I’ve only just noticed,” she said suddenly, “but you’re wearing jeans.”

  “Do you approve?” I turned to flash the designer label.

  She clucked her tongue. “If I’d have known, I’d have asked you to get me a pair!”

  I took a deep breath and ventured into the living area. It was ridiculous, really. I’d be back to visit Clemmie, if nothing else. Can you grieve for a space? Not just the memories it contains but the bricks and mortar, the dents your pretty heels have left in the wooden floor.

  “All set?” Dad asked.

  “I think so. Is everything packed?”

  “Everything but the kitchen sink.” He smiled sympathetically. “Come on, let’s get you into the car. Might as well.”

  “Mattman’s still not here.” Aidan tutted. “Shall I ring him?”

  “Why’s it taking so long to get his car?” I wondered.

  “Maybe he’s having a wank or something.” Aidan clocked that my Dad was still in the room and shrank into himself, mortified. “Sorry, sorry, Mr Vaughn.”

  Dad cleared his throat. “Well,” he said eventually, “can’t beat a good clear out of the pipes, eh?”

  “Dad!”

  “What?” He folded his arms. “I was that age once, you know.”

  “Don’t worry, Mr Vaughn,” Aidan patted him on the back with a very straight face. “You’re still hot.”

  “Why thank you, Aidan.”

  “I’m going,” I announced. “There’s a bit of sick in my throat.”

  “I’ll ring Mattman,” Aidan said helpfully. “Maybe it’ll be the start of a beautiful phone sex relationship.”

  “I’ll cross my fingers for you.” Clemmie did something vulgar with her hands and I gawped at her. Bloody Aidan–he was a terrible influence.

  We all piled into the lift and I watched the floors tick by; three, two, one. Dad was parked a few feet down the road and I paused at the entrance to give Clemmie and Aidan final hugs.

  “You look after my bachelorette pad.” I pressed warm keys into Clemmie’s hands. “Make me proud.”

  “I will,” she promised.

  “You–” I prodded Aidan in the chest. “Look after Clemmie. And don’t ever hit on my Dad again, it’s disgusting.”

  “I needed a decent recovery,” he protested, squidging me again. “Woo! Here’s the Mattmobile.”

  Matt pulled up next to Dad’s car and climbed out to join us. “Nice to meet you again.” He shook Clemmie’s hand. “And Aid.”

  They slapped each other’s backs in a revolting display of man love.

  “Back soon for a jam sesh?” Aidan said.

  “Cockspank? Oh, yes.” Matt grinned. “I’ll bring my synthesizer.”

  “It’s a deal.”

  “Come on,” Dad said, appearing beside us. “I was meant to leave two minutes ago!”

  Matt checked his watch again. “Sorry. Was…chatting to Tobe.”

  I eyed him suspiciously for a moment and he shrugged, looking clueless.

  “Goodbye then,” I said. “For now.”

  �
�I’m not saying it,” Clemmie retorted. “I’ll call you later, okay?”

  Dad nudged my shoulder and I sighed. “Okay, okay. Let’s get going, then.”

  We climbed into the car and I fastened my seatbelt, checking my newly applied makeup in the mirror. We were following Matt and he seemed to take forever to pull out.

  “Young drivers,” Dad grumbled.

  “He’s probably putting on some god-awful music.” I peered at him through the window as he swung past, as if I might see the windows vibrating.

  “Well, then. Off to Salisbury.” Dad put his foot down and I waved to Clemmie and Aidan. It was still surreal seeing them together, let alone thinking that Clem would soon live in my flat. Did she know she’d have a lodger named Charlotte?

  My lids sank down with the weight of the morning, of the dream the night before. This was it, then. On to another life and perhaps a different Leila.

  I would miss the old one more than I should.

  We were barely at the end of the road when my phone buzzed in the depths my handbag. I tapped the screen with a sad little smile, expecting it to be Clemmie. Silly cow.

  Don’t look so fucking miserable. J

  I snapped up, twisted around and stared back at my building. The pulse of a drunk drummer thundered in my ears. No sign of Aidan’s red ringlets or Clemmie’s shiny mop. Just cars, wheelie bins, shrubs…

  …and a very familiar, tall blond man.

  “Dad.” OhGodohGodohGod. “Stop the car.”

  He frowned. “Eh?”

  “Stop the car!” I wound the window down feverishly and stared, surveyed, needed to be sure I wasn’t imagining him. “Please…”

  “Did you forget something?” The gears groaned as he pulled up to the curb.

  “In a fashion.” I tumbled out on my flats. Was it undignified to run? Would it–

  “Leila.” His voice carried over the ten feet that separated us. He had that glow about him, even in clothes, and the sun anointed him as if it finally approved.

  I ran.

  With a skid, I landed somewhere against his shoulder and then on his mouth, warm and hungry. He took my hair in fistfuls to ease me back.

  “Calm down.” He chuckled. “There’s no rush.”

  “Speak for yourself. You sod.” Squeeze, squeeze. I had to reacquaint myself with the contours of his body before he got snatched away again. “Did you come to say goodbye properly?”