Until I Love Again

by Jerry S. Eicher

  “No, but behave yourself,” Mamm said. “This is the end of the line, Susanna. That’s all I can say. At least your Daett has the sense to finally tell you the truth.”

  Susanna tried to breathe as the room tilted on its axis. Something serious was afoot, and she had no idea what. One couldn’t be married without consent, even if her parents wanted her to. Susanna quieted the wild thoughts and clasped her hands tightly. No matter what caused her parents to act this strangely, she would survive. She always had before. Besides, Mamm and Daett loved her and wanted the best for her. She would take comfort in the thought.

  The front door opened, and Ernest followed Daett inside. Ernest held his hat in his hand and didn’t appear too happy, but that was understandable. What man would if he were in a woman’s home uninvited at such hours and under such circumstances?

  “Have a seat,” Mamm told Ernest, offering him a chair. Ernest sat down and squirmed, his hat still in his hand.

  “I’ll take that,” Mamm said, and Ernest handed over the hat. Mamm laid it gently behind the stove.

  Daett waited until Mamm returned to her rocker. “This is a most serious moment in our lives,” Daett began. “I had always hoped this time would never come, but I see I was quite wrong, and I beg forgiveness from all of you. First from Susanna, but also from Mamm and now from you, Ernest. I have wronged each of you greatly, even though I have tried these many years to make things right. It seems my sins have followed me, and now others must suffer for what I have done.”

  Daett paused and Mamm reached over to hold his hand. Susanna kept her eyes on Ernest’s shiny, black Sunday shoes. Nothing seemed real or appropriate at the moment. Was Daett going to say something that would change her life forever? Yah, somehow she knew he would, as if the words had already been spoken. But what? She couldn’t imagine, though the cloud hung heavy and dreadful over the whole house.

  Daett cleared his throat. “I would have wished to never tell you this, Susanna, but now I must so that you will understand why Ernest is here. He has offered to marry you this fall after you have been through your baptismal classes.”

  Susanna gasped. “But Daett, this cannot be. I—”

  Mamm hushed Susanna with a wave of her hand. “Listen to what your father has to say.”

  Daett’s face was white, and Mamm touched his arm as he continued. “Once I tell you what I have to say, you will understand, and I think you will agree to Ernest’s offer.” Daett hung his head for a moment. “The truth is, you are my daughter, Susanna, but Mamm is not your mother. That is what we have never told you. You were born of an Englisha woman before Mamm and I were married. Your real mamm was a girl named Mindy Whithus who died shortly after your birth. You were taken care of by other people until Linda agreed to marry me. After our wedding, you came to live with us, and Mamm has always done her best to treat you as if she had birthed you.”

  Susanna let out a gasp as Daett continued. “I know this is a shock to you, but I did what I thought was the best. I always will be grateful to Linda for her love and her willingness to accept me as a husband after such a sin. You should also be grateful for how Linda has taken you in as her own daughter, all without complaining or interfering with how I have raised you. I can only say how really sorry I am. I know that you have not sinned, Susanna, and that some of your troubles are a result of my own sin. Even so, Ernest has agreed to do for you what Linda did for me. Ernest will take you as his frau if you are willing. He will love you, and together you will bury the past. If you think anything else can be done, Susanna, you are wrong. None of the other young men from the community will take you as their frau. If you haven’t already noticed, then I can assure you this is true. Their parents will not allow them to marry a girl who has wild Englisha blood in her. And please don’t protest, Susanna. You have not helped in this matter. Even this afternoon when you left with this Joey fellow, you have shown us beyond a doubt that this is true. Something must be done or you will jump the fence into the world and be lost from us forever. Ernest is a kind man to consider taking you as his frau under these circumstances. And a brave man, I must say. We will all be forever in his debt.”

  Daett paused and dropped his gaze while Mamm glanced toward Susanna. Only now, this wasn’t her mamm. The thought tore through Susanna and left a fiery trail in its wake. How could this be? How could it be that her real mamm was an Englisha girl?

  Ernest spoke for the first time. “I believe we can make it together, Susanna. I know this is a shock to you, and I had my doubts whether this was the best way to approach things. I most desperately had wished to begin our relationship under different circumstances, but your daett has assured me that there isn’t much time. He thinks this is the best way to handle things. He wants you to know that I am willing to stand by you. I hope you understand.”

  Susanna tried to focus. Had Ernest spoken to her? The living room spun in slow circles around her. She tried to speak, but no sound came out of her mouth. Mamm’s hand reached for hers, but the gas lantern on the ceiling slowly dimmed and Susanna felt herself sliding sideways on the couch. Daett’s concerned cry was the last thing Susanna heard.

  Chapter Nine

  The next few days seemed to drag by as Susanna wrestled with the news that would change her life forever. What else in her world was not what she thought it was? The very question brought her to the edge of fresh tears.

  The following Sunday morning dawned with a clear sky, and a slight breeze blew in from the Adirondacks. The smell of cedar and spring was heavy in the air. Susanna closed the window of her upstairs bedroom and then climbed back into bed and pulled the heavy quilt over her head. She had left the kitchen after the breakfast dishes were finished. If she didn’t go back down soon, Mamm would be up to check on her, but Susanna would not go to the church services today. Mamm had to know that. The shame was too great. Plus, she still couldn’t think straight. Since she had passed out that evening on the living room couch, the horror of who she really was gripped her—and to think that most of the community knew all along. The ones from Mamm and Daett’s generation had kept the origin of her birth a secret, divulging the information only to their sons if they showed an interest in her. This was why no community man had asked her home from the hymn singing.

  Surely by now everyone knew that she had wild Englisha blood. Those had been Daett’s own words last Sunday night. Nothing could change that. If she had behaved herself in her rumspringa time, the past might have been overlooked—but she had stretched the limits of what was permissible. Even if she hadn’t, she might have never received a decent marriage proposal from an Amish man. The truth was, she was an outcast.

  Susanna buried her face in the quilt, but this time no tears came. Tears were a thing of the past. She had cried for three days straight last week. At least she had thought to send Henry to tell Mr. Kenny that she would not be in for work this week at DeKalb Building Supply.

  “She’s not feeling well,” Henry had told Mr. Kenny.

  Mr. Kenny had sent word back. “Tell Susanna we hope she gets better.”

  But she wouldn’t get better. Not from this. There was only a cold numbness that filled her body. Her family had shown her nothing but tenderness, but that only made matters worse. Wasn’t kindness part of the reason she was in trouble? If Daett hadn’t given her so much leeway in her rumspringa time, maybe she wouldn’t have met Joey and his family. And then she wouldn’t have…

  A soft knock on the bedroom door made Susanna pull the quilt higher over her head.

  “Susanna,” Mamm called.

  Susanna buried her face deeper.

  The doorknob turned and Mamm’s footsteps approached. “Susanna, you must get dressed. We will leave for the service when the men finish the chores.” Mamm paused. “You are going along. You have to face the people sometime.”

  Susanna didn’t answer.

  Mamm tugged on the quilt. “This is no way to behave, Susanna. We’ve given you plenty of room to adjust all week, but thing
s are what they are, and it’s time you faced them.”

  Susanna jerked the quilt off her head to answer. “That I am an Englisha girl?”

  “No!” Mamm was horrified. “You are not an Englisha girl, so stop acting like one.”

  “You heard what Daett said.” Susanna’s eyes blazed. “I have wild Englisha blood in me.”

  Mamm’s face clouded. “Your Daett is not always wise in his choice of words, as he once wasn’t in his choice of girlfriends. But he is still your daett, and you are still his daughter.”

  “I’m not facing anyone today, other than Joey if he stops by.”

  “Susanna, please!” Mamm grabbed her arm. “You are doing no such thing.”

  Susanna almost pulled back, but Mamm meant this for her own goot. Truth was, she had acted all week like a bobbli, but she couldn’t help it. Her entire life had been a lie. How did one deal with that?

  “You are still my daughter,” Mamm said. “Yah, you should have been told about your Englisha mamm when you were young. I’m sorry now that I didn’t insist, but maybe it’s not too late for us to start over. I love you, Susanna, as if you were my own. That has not changed.” Mamm took Susanna’s hand. “I raised you and loved you as only I could.”

  Susanna managed to nod. There was no sense in hurting Mamm unnecessarily. What Mamm said was true. She couldn’t imagine how her own mamm could have mothered her better. “Did you know my real mamm?” Susanna asked.

  Mamm looked away. “We had best not speak of her. Some things are best left with the Lord.”

  Susanna leaned closer. “So you did know her, yet you married Daett.”

  Mamm meet her gaze. “I have forgiven your daett, as you must forgive him. There is no goot in speaking of the past.”

  “But there is goot in speaking of one’s mamm,” Susanna insisted. “I have a right to know. In fact, I must know.”

  Mamm’s face softened, but she still hesitated.

  “I must know,” Susanna continued. “I will only learn it from other people if you don’t tell me.”

  Mamm’s voice caught. “Your mamm looked much like you, Susanna. I didn’t know her well, but we saw each other while I was on my rumspringa time. Things were different back then. Few of our young people jumped the fence, so we mingled freely with the Englisha people. Which was all to our own shame, of course.”

  Susanna ignored the comment. “How old was I when you married Daett?”

  Mamm thought for a moment. “Six months or so. Your daett saw his mistake early, and he was glad that I didn’t reject him once I knew. We had dated a few times, but our relationship was nothing serious. He offered Mindy the chance to join the community and marry him, but she wasn’t interested. Mindy told him she would raise the child by herself.” Mamm looked away. “Your daett promised his financial support, and he would have kept his word. Did he not take you in when the time came?”

  “And so did you.” Susanna softened and reached out toward Mamm.

  Mamm pulled her close for a hug. “I loved your daett, more than I can say. And a child is not to blame for her parents’ mistakes. Don’t you see that’s why Daett has been so concerned for you and this Joey fellow? You must not follow in your daett’s sins, Susanna. Be thankful that Ernest has given you a marriage offer. I know you might not love him yet, but love comes slowly sometimes. Once you say the marriage vows this past trouble can be forgotten forever, and love will come even quicker then. No one need speak any more about this matter.”

  Susanna caught her breath, but the words of denial stuck in her mouth. She had not agreed to marry Ernest, so why was everyone assuming she would? Was her silence the same as assent? Ernest wasn’t a bad choice for a husband, and he must be a goot man. How else could his two girls have turned out so cute? But she didn’t love him. She had always planned to love a man before she dated him, much less marry him. Yet Daett and Mamm were correct. If she wished to marry in the community, she had no choice other than Ernest. She could remain single, but the shame would be great, perhaps too great to bear.

  “Come now,” Mamm said. “The men are in, and we need to leave soon. I’ll help you dress.”

  “I’m not a bobbli,” Susanna protested.

  Mamm’s smile was thin. “Sometimes we need extra loving care. Now get out from under the quilt.”

  Susanna got out of bed slowly. All the strength seemed to have left her body. She couldn’t resist anything at the moment. “Is Ernest planning on courting me today?” The words came out as a croak.

  Mamm’s smile vanished. “Not yet. Your daett had the sense to tell him to wait until you have had a few baptismal classes behind you before he makes any official move. Bishop Enos will look more favorably on the matter after that.”

  “Baptismal classes!” The room spun in circles.

  Mamm nodded. “Starting today, yah. That’s all the more reason you must attend the services. You can’t miss the first class.”

  “But I’m not ready to join,” Susanna whispered. “Nor can I be Ernest’s frau. I don’t love the man.”

  “You will love the man in time.” Mamm leaned closer to hold up a dress she had selected for Susanna. “We’ll help you just as we’re doing now. There is no other answer. We cannot have you bear the shame of a single life—not for this reason.”

  Bitterness against Daett rose inside of Susanna, but she couldn’t go there. She hadn’t said a word to Daett all week, other than a mumbled “goot morning.”

  Daett had stayed out of her way, no doubt realizing she needed the space. Daett always seemed to understand her needs, but this morning she must face him.

  “It’s time you spoke with your daett,” Mamm said, as if reading Susanna’s thoughts. “You can’t attend the baptismal classes while there is silence between Daett and you. The Lord only blesses the heart that is open.”

  Susanna waited while Mamm placed the straight pins in the sleeves of her dress. She could have done those herself, but it felt goot to hold still at the moment. Perhaps someday she could move again, but right now there was only numbness inside of her. The coldness began deep down and didn’t stop until it reached every part of her body.

  Mamm took Susanna’s hand, and they walked out of the bedroom and down the stairs together. Daett looked up from his chair, alarm filling his face, as they entered the living room. He must have sensed that Susanna was ready to speak to him about the matter.

  Susanna squeezed her eyes shut, and her words began in fits and starts. “How could you have not told me before, Daett? Couldn’t you just have…even a hint? Would that have been so wrong? Would I have died? It feels like I have now. You had all this time! All these years! How did you think I would never find out?”

  Tears formed in Daett’s eyes. “I am guilty of all you say, Susanna, and of even more. My sins follow me to this day, and their sorrow has come on you. I dare not ask your forgiveness. I wish only to make right what I have done wrong, so far as it is in my power to do so.”

  Weakness swept over Susanna, and the anger left. Daett’s words had that effect on her. They always had. She loved the man, and yet…

  Daett stood up to stand beside Susanna. His arm slipped around her shoulder and he pulled her close. “You will always be mine,” Daett said. “Mamm feels the same way. We can’t change the past, but we can help shape the future with our choices. The way has been opened for you, Susanna. I know it will not be easy, but we are here to stand with you and to walk the road beside you. Ernest will be a goot husband for you, and you will love his girls. And someday, if the Lord wills that other kinner be given to you, we will have our first grandchildren to love and to hold. They will never know that sin once cast its grave shadow upon your life. The Lord will see to this, as we walk in His ways.”

  Susanna leaned against Daett’s shoulder. What else could she do? She had no strength to hold up her head, let alone protest.

  “Mamm must have told you about the baptismal classes by now,” Daett continued. “Take courage, Susanna. I told
Bishop Enos about our situation this week, and he will make things easy for you. All you must do is get up on your own two feet and walk upstairs. Nothing more is required of you.”

  Mamm spoke up. “Susanna will do this. I know she will.”

  Chapter Ten

  Some twenty minutes later, Henry pulled on the reins to turn Ranger toward Deacon Herman’s place on Bush Road. This section of the pavement didn’t go far, and Susanna waited for the moment when the deacon’s driveway came into sight. When she saw his place, the line of buggies beside the barn was still short, so Mamm had been correct—early was better this morning. Fewer people would be around to see her shame. She ought to wear a sign around her neck that read, “Yah, I have an Englisha mamm.” Maybe the shame would end sooner that way.

  But on the other hand, she must not allow this bitterness a voice. Most of the community would know what had transpired last week. They would still be kind to her. She could be thankful for that. She shouldn’t blame the community for how they saw things. The world on the other side of the fence was a dangerous thing. There were reasons why no young unmarried Amish man would take her home from the hymn singing—or ever would. Englisha girls were known to leave their husbands after the wedding vows were said. Not even baptism would cleanse that fear from their minds. Only an experienced widower like Ernest figured he could take a chance on her Englisha wildness. And the next widower who showed an interest might be a worse option than Ernest—if such a man ever dared.

  “Easy there, boy,” Henry muttered to Ranger as he slowed for the turn into Deacon Herman’s driveway.

  There was no danger that Ranger would overturn the buggy, but Henry must have felt the need to say something. They had driven in silence all the way from home.

  “Hold it there, boy,” Henry muttered again, bringing Ranger to a stop at the end of the sidewalk.

  Susanna climbed carefully down the buggy step. The path to the house was empty of women at the moment, but the last thing she needed was a clumsy spill.