Until I Love Again

by Jerry S. Eicher

  “Tobias, you go up with Noah. I’ll be up in a minute,” Mamm said. “Susanna, you clean the kitchen while I tend to Tobias. And be sure and change your dress before Ernest comes. You’re talking with him if I have to drag the two of you together by your ears.”

  Chapter Fifteen

  An hour later, with the drapes on her bedroom window drawn, Susanna slipped into a clean everyday dress and placed each pin with care. Then, on second thought, she considered that Mamm would probably prefer she wear a Sunday meeting dress.

  But surely not her best dress. Ernest would get the wrong impression if she showed up in such attire. He’d think he’d won her heart already, when the truth was completely otherwise. The truth was, Ernest had a lot of work ahead of him if he wished to win her love before the wedding. Was he up to it? Or did he even care? Did she hope he cared? Did she want this to happen? The questions raced through her mind, but Susanna pushed them away.

  She must try and make the relationship with Ernest work. She didn’t want to jump the fence into the Englisha world, and she didn’t want to leave Daett. He had chosen the life of the community. Could Daett be wrong to have made the choice he did? She had only to envision his kind eyes and feel his tender touch on her hand to know the answer to that. If she chose to jump the fence, the sorrow that would descend upon Daett would tear at her heart. Daett was right, and she would follow his footsteps. Only that road led to success. Look what had happened to her real mamm, Mindy, when she refused to follow Daett into the life of the community. Daett had offered to marry Mindy. What guarantee did Susanna have that a greater disaster did not lie ahead for her if she rejected Ernest’s offer? A life lived in sorrow and regret could be worse than death.

  Susanna pushed the last pin into her dress. With that done, she turned to open the drapes wide. The bright sunlight burned her eyes as she peered out and saw Ernest’s buggy parked beside the barn. Mamm fluttered about near the door of the buggy, where both of Ernest’s small girls sat up on the seat. How had Ernest driven in without a sound? She must have been deep in her own thoughts not to hear. She stepped away from the window and made her way slowly downstairs. At the bottom of the steps, Susanna forced her feet onward—past the front door, off the porch, and into the yard.

  Ernest looked up with a grin on his face as she approached. Mamm stopped her fluttering about and froze in place.

  Susanna greeted Ernest with a smile. “Goot morning.”

  “Goot morning.” His grin grew wider. “You’re awful perky this morning.”

  “We’re so glad for this chance, Ernest,” Mamm gushed before Susanna could speak. “I’ll take the girls into the house, and you can speak with Susanna for a few moments. I’m sure you have some catching up to do. But I just want to say again how much we appreciate you coming by this morning and giving us a chance to watch your girls for the day.”

  Mamm reached into the buggy and lifted Lizzie down to the ground with a twirl. “Hey, big girl. Now you’re on the ground.”

  Lizzie giggled. “That was fun. Do Martha now!”

  “Coming right up,” Mamm said, glowing with happiness. Mamm glanced toward Ernest before she reached back into the buggy and brought Martha down with a flourish.

  Martha smiled but didn’t say anything.

  “They’ll be just fine here, I see.” Ernest’s grin was still in place. He gave both girls a quick hug. “Be goot for Linda now, and give Susanna a chance to get to know you.”

  Susanna forced herself to smile. “I’m sure they will.”

  That Ernest was taken with her was plain to see. She should be thankful for his attentions. He was her only hope if she wished to stay in the community with a goot reputation. She glanced at his bearded face and tried to smile again.

  “You two chat now,” Mamm said.

  “Mamm,” Susanna protested. “I…”

  Mamm ignored her and waved over her shoulder as she led the girls toward the house. Lizzie also waved as if she were going on a road trip and wouldn’t see either of them for a long time.

  “My daughters are the apple of my eye,” Ernest muttered. “So like their mamm it breaks my heart sometimes.”

  Susanna dropped her gaze to the ground. She should say something in sympathy, but the words stuck in her throat.

  Ernest grasped his horse’s bridle as if he needed a lifeline. “I…I just want to say you’re doing the right thing, Susanna, in caring for my girls today. I know your Mamm agreed to this, not you, but the gesture must also be in your own heart or you would have objected.”

  Susanna opened her mouth to correct him, but Ernest continued. “This must be difficult, pulling yourself away from the world out there and getting to know me better. I know that I’m finding my way along the pathway myself, and yet I often cheer my heart by telling myself that the Lord has promised to bless the sacred marriage vows no matter how we arrive at them. I wish, like you do, Susanna, that this awkwardness between us wouldn’t be necessary, but things are the way they are. I hope you continue to open your heart to me and give me a chance.”

  Ernest stared off into the distance and Susanna waited.

  “I miss my dear Naomi,” he said, “more than I can say. I had hoped we could grow old together, but the Lord had other plans. And now my heart is drawn to you, Susanna. I would give you the place that Naomi once had, even though you were not my first choice. I know you understand that, and I know that I may not be your first choice either. So forgive my boldness this morning, but I have waited a long time to speak with you. There are many things heavy on my heart. The love between a man and a woman is a strange thing. As Solomon said, it’s mysterious like the ways of a serpent upon a rock. Whatever the road holds ahead of us, the Lord will be with us and help us. Of this I am most confident.”

  “I am sorry for your loss of Naomi,” Susanna whispered.

  Ernest nodded. “Thank you, and let me say something else. I imagine you have lately wondered why your daett committed the sins he did in his youth. I want to tell you that I don’t hold these things against your daett or against you, Susanna. Some in the community might not be so understanding, but the Lord has given me grace in my heart to see that these things can be overcome.”

  Susanna’s voice broke. “I love Daett regardless of what he did.”

  Ernest didn’t seem to notice as he continued. “What a shock it must have been for you to learn that your mamm was Englisha. I can imagine your horror. No doubt you thought there was no choice left for you but to leave the protection of the community and jump the fence. This Englisha man who befriended you was no doubt right there, ready to lead you into this temptation.” Ernest gave Susanna a smile. “But take comfort. The Lord has supplied a way out of temptation. The Lord has again done what He promised. As Moses stood before the mighty Red Sea and parted the waters with his uplifted rod, so I can imagine your daett has stood before the waters of his great sorrow and lifted his hand toward heaven. And now a way has been opened for you, Susanna. I would not have wanted Naomi taken from me—for any reason. But now that the Lord has chosen, I’m glad I can be part of His plan to save you from the world. Our faith and the community believe in redemption. Bishop Enos and Deacon Herman both understand my feelings for you and my faith in the Lord’s hand. I have been open with both ministers about my plans. I know the way is dark for you right now, and perhaps I’m not much of a catch or the one you dreamed of. But the Lord knows Naomi loved me, and it looks like I’m all you’ve been given, Susanna.” Ernest gave her a quick glance. “There are, of course, my two daughters. The Lord has blessed me with them. I encourage myself daily with such thoughts, and I’m sure you will too once you know the girls better.” Ernest fell silent and gazed off into the distance again.

  Susanna’s head spun as she hung on to the buggy wheel.

  “Your daett has a nice farm here,” Ernest finally said. “I can see you’re used to a decent place, and I hope mine matches your upbringing. If you have any doubts, you’re welcome to visit my fa
rm soon, and I’ll show you around the place. There is still a little debt on the property, but we’re doing—”

  “Your place is just fine,” Susanna interrupted. “But there’s more to life than a nice farm.”

  Delight filled Ernest’s face. “Those are wise words. You come highly recommended by your daett, Susanna, and I can see why. That is what a true woman of the Lord would say. Truly my life will be graced with abundance whether I prosper financially or not. I have felt this in my heart for some time about you, but to hear the words from your own lips cheers my heart more than I can say.”

  “I…” Susanna hesitated. “Ernest, I don’t know how to say this, but there’s still…”

  Ernest silenced her with a wave of his hand. “Don’t say it, Susanna. I can see the modesty on your face. Praise for you is in order. You are a beautiful woman who has graced her heart with the Lord’s glory. I’m sure you still have your doubts at times, but take courage. If the Lord wills that we will spend our lives together, we will live blessed lives. We will grow in grace as our spirits are daily prepared to live in a better country beyond this world. This is what I believe, and I wish to raise all of my kinner in faith and in fear of the Lord. I care not what the world offers out there.” Ernest gave Susanna a quick glance. “In a way I’m glad these next few months will not be easy for us. Suffering cleanses the heart of what doesn’t belong there. Even in me this suffering can produce goot.”

  “I…I know I have much to improve too, I’m sure,” Susanna stammered.

  Ernest regarded her with a steady gaze. Then, as if he knew enough had been said, he replied, “Well, I had best be going. This has been a goot conversation, and I have perhaps said too much, but they were things that needed saying. I look forward to many more of these moments in the weeks ahead. Maybe soon we should plan on a more formal time together—perhaps on each Sunday evening after your baptism, but not before then. It’s not that I don’t trust you, but we must be careful with how things appear. Until then, I will stop by to speak with you from time to time.”

  Susanna hung her head. No words would come out of her mouth at the moment.

  Ernest appeared pleased. “Then I’ll be seeing you today at suppertime. Your Mamm was kind enough to invite me to eat when I return to pick up the girls. The Lord knows Katherine feeds us well enough at home to satisfy any man, but I do need to meet your family and become better acquainted. Katherine will also appreciate the evening off. She might sneak a drive past Joe Schrock’s place.” Ernest grinned. “I’m just kidding. Katherine is a woman of the Lord as you are, and she wouldn’t do anything inappropriate. She does have her eye on the young Schrock boy, though. They might even be married by the wedding season after this one, which is all the more reason…” Ernest grinned again. “Well, you can see how all this has been guided by the Lord’s hand. But like I said, I had best be going.”

  Susanna stepped back and Ernest climbed in his buggy. “Lizzie and Martha will love you,” he assured Susanna.

  Susanna swallowed and nodded.

  Ernest waved and clucked to his horse. The buggy whirled out of the driveway with a flourish. Susanna had been unable to raise a single protest to his plans the whole time he spoke, but so be it. Perhaps this was all for the best. From the looks of things, Ernest wouldn’t have listened anyway. Susanna lowered her head and made her way slowly toward the house.

  Chapter Sixteen

  That afternoon Susanna sat on the front porch watching as Ernest’s two girls raced in the yard. Lizzie would first lead Martha to the old oak tree and then point toward a distant point before hollering, “Off we go!”

  Lizzie always led, but Martha did her best until she collapsed in the yard from sheer exhaustion.

  “Let’s try again,” Lizzie would say. “I’m older, but you can run fast.”

  She ought to get up and show Lizzie what a fast run looked like, Susanna thought, but her whole body ached with weariness. She was tired after the day’s work and with the constant care the girls needed, but deeper down the tiredness didn’t come from physical labor. Ernest’s promised return at suppertime hung like a dark cloud over her head.

  “Cheer up,” Mamm had ordered several times that day. “I could see Ernest’s happy face this morning all the way from the kitchen window. You have nothing to worry about, Susanna. You’ve charmed the man completely. You ought to give the Lord thanks each waking moment of the day.”

  Susanna had winced but refrained from comment. Mamm meant no harm, but how could Susanna be thankful for Ernest’s long-winded, bombastic words? The man could see nothing but himself and her beauty. That point was plain to see. The real reason for Ernest’s interest and his willingness to overlook her past lay in the Lord’s gift to her of goot looks, which came from her Englisha mother. Ernest had settled his mind on her from far less lofty motives than he professed. His faith moved him, yah, but she knew there was more, much more. But if she brought up the matter, Mamm would refuse to ascribe such lowly thoughts to Ernest, so what was the use?

  Susanna stood to her feet and walked up to the porch railing. “Come, girls,” she called across the lawn. “Time to get the two of you cleaned up for supper. Your daett will be here soon.”

  The two girls stopped their play at once and ran toward her. They were obedient children, no question about that. Ernest had raised them well, which wasn’t a surprise. He didn’t look like a man who would spoil his children—or a frau for that matter—with a lack of discipline. Yah, Ernest would run a tight ship. She would have an adjustment in front of her if she married the man, since Daett had always ruled her with a light hand. The change would not be easy.

  Lizzie came to a sudden halt in front of Susanna and peered up into her face. “Would you run with us, just once please?”

  Susanna smiled. She couldn’t resist that plea, and from somewhere the energy came. “Okay.” Susanna took Martha’s hand in hers.

  Lizzie jumped up and down with excitement, and Martha had a gleam in her eyes. Susanna grabbed Lizzie’s hand, and with a little girl on either side of her she marched back to the oak tree.

  “That way, that way!” Lizzie hollered and pointed toward the barn. “All the way to the door.”

  Susanna hesitated. “I don’t know about that. That’s a little far.”

  “Please!” Lizzie begged.

  Susanna hitched up her dress a few inches in preparation for the run, and Lizzie did the same.

  “Get ready…go!” Lizzie yelled.

  Martha made no attempt at the run as they took off, but flopped down on the grass to giggle in sheer delight. They must make quite a sight, Susanna told herself—a full-grown woman and a little girl in a race for the barn door. She held back so Lizzie could stay a few inches ahead of her. Lizzie still strained and gave it her best. Slowly Susanna crept ahead. She was tempted to hold back and let Lizzie win, but such trickery wouldn’t work with Lizzie.

  They raced along, and Susanna threw her head back as Lizzie panted beside her. This was like the excitement she used to experience in her school days when games were played at lunchtime. Those days were long gone, but perhaps she was still a little girl at heart.

  “I’m going to win!” Lizzie yelled out, as if to encourage herself.

  With an exaggerated gasp Susanna threw herself at the barn door and pretended to collapse on the ground. Lizzie did the same, but for more valid reasons.

  “Oh, that was such a goot run,” Lizzie said, nestling up against Susanna. “And Daett was here to watch me run almost faster than you did.” Lizzie pointed down toward the end of the driveway.

  Susanna sat up straight and stared in horror. There was Ernest in his buggy with the horse pulled off to the side of the lane. He had a good view of the lawn, and a grin nearly split his face in half. Obviously the man had seen the whole thing, and she had failed to notice his approach. Susanna groaned.

  Ernest clucked, and the buggy started moving down the lane and toward the barn.

  Lizzie leaped to
her feet and ran down the lane in a wild dash. This couldn’t be allowed, Susanna knew. Horses spooked easily, and little children ended up in unexpected places as a result. Lizzie must be stopped. There was no choice but to run the girl down. All the strength had left her body, but Susanna forced her feet to move. Her dress caught on her shoes in the run, but she didn’t dare pull up the hemline. She had already been humiliated, and she wouldn’t allow it to happen again. Susanna’s breath came in short gasps by the time she caught Lizzie and pulled her to the side of the lane. Ernest’s buggy hadn’t moved in the meantime. He awaited the outcome of his daughter’s foolishness from the safest spot.

  “I wanted to tell Daett hello.” Lizzie tried to wiggle out of Susanna’s grasp.

  “You don’t run toward buggies that are still moving,” Susanna’s voice squeaked. “Don’t ever do that again!”

  Susanna could hear Ernest cluck to his horse, and the buggy pulled closer to stop in front of them.

  “Daett, Daett,” Lizzie hollered, dancing on both feet.

  Ernest leaned out of the buggy, and Susanna dared to peek at him. “I see you have my daughters in firm control,” he said.

  Susanna lowered her head and didn’t respond. The answer was obvious. Lizzie had gotten away from her.

  “That was some run you took earlier,” Ernest said. “I’ll have to come back more often if I get to see such wunderbah things as my daughters at play with you. I see the day must have gone very well indeed.”

  Susanna kept her gaze on the gravel in the driveway. Ernest didn’t seem to need any response. “I was telling myself on the way over that it wouldn’t surprise me if the Lord gave me another sign of His goot blessing on my hopes, Susanna. And lo and behold, I pull in the driveway and see all the signs I need. My daughters love the woman I love, and my heart is filled to overflowing with joy and happiness.”

  Lizzie interrupted her daett. “Will you come run with us?”