Until I Love Again

by Jerry S. Eicher

  Rosalyn’s voice broke through Susanna’s daze. “Susanna, dear, listen to me. That may be what your community thinks, but that’s not what God thinks. We are loved by the Father even in our sinfulness. That the people around you didn’t think so doesn’t change anything.”

  Susanna choked back a sob. “Daett loved me. And I left him.”

  “Dear heart.” Rosalyn’s voice was urgent. “Many people care a whole lot about you. Joey and his parents care very much for you. I do, too, even after the few short days I’ve known you. I gladly opened my home to you when Joey asked. I’ve not regretted that decision for a moment. You’re a blessing, Susanna, and I know Joey thinks so too.” Rosalyn paused. “In fact, I’m quite sure Joey more than cares for you.”

  “We’re friends, Joey and I. I have to keep reminding myself of that. I don’t want to end up making promises I can’t keep. Joey’s been so nice to me, and I’ve taken advantage of his kindness, but I don’t know if I can repay his affections—and I won’t force myself again. I promised myself that before I left home.”

  “You let me take care of Joey.” Rosalyn gave Susanna a pat on the arm. “You heal up. That’s your first task. A woman’s heart is a tender thing, and yours has been bruised considerably. I can’t even imagine how much. Just hang in there, and don’t worry about Joey right now.”

  “Joey’s a nice man,” Susanna allowed.

  Rosalyn smiled. “Nice is good, but let’s leave it there for now. The Lord will guide you when the time comes. Don’t you think so?”

  Susanna nodded as Rosalyn drove out of Canton, toward Maple Ridge Road and all that was so familiar to her. Ahead of them the Miller home appeared, and Susanna took a deep breath.

  Chapter Thirty-Four

  Susanna kept her gaze straight ahead as Rosalyn turned into the driveway. She wanted to glance around wildly like a ten-year-old arriving home after a long absence. But everything would still be the way she’d left it a little over a week ago. The only thing that had changed was that this was no longer her home.

  Rosalyn brought her car to a stop near the barn. The barn door stood open in front of them, but no one had appeared yet. Daett’s buggy was there, so he should be home. Susanna hadn’t been able to see the back fields when they drove in, so maybe that’s where all the men were working.

  This was harder than Susanna had imagined. Her heart was throbbing, and her mouth was dry. She wanted to see Daett, Mamm, and her brothers, only she knew it would never again be like it was before. It would be impossible to recapture the past. In her rumspringa days the thought of her eventual return had comforted her even as she enjoyed her life in the world. Back then she had gazed without fear into Joey’s eyes and called him a friend. Her heart hadn’t concerned itself with where she was headed. Now there was no anticipated return to soothe her. The world felt like a heavy basket of laundry in her arms.

  “Shall we go in?” Rosalyn asked as the front door opened and Mamm appeared.

  “Yah, of course,” Susanna replied.

  Rosalyn climbed out of the car without further comment, and Susanna followed. She made her feet move as Rosalyn led the way up the walk. She wouldn’t have accomplished this if Rosalyn hadn’t come along. She would have fled back to the car in spite of her best resolutions. At least she had thought to change into an Amish dress before she set out on this journey.

  Mamm’s first glance took in that fact. Mamm smiled and greeted them with a soft, “Goot morning. This is a surprise.”

  “Hello, Mrs. Miller.” Rosalyn held out her hand and Mamm gave it a quick shake.

  Susanna tried to say something, but her mouth was too dry.

  Mamm didn’t seem to mind as her attention was on Rosalyn. “Are you a friend of Susanna’s?”

  “Yes, a new friend…and her employer.” Rosalyn laughed. “My name is Rosalyn Osseo. I have a bed-and-breakfast in Canton where Susanna is staying.”

  Mamm hesitated. The look on her face said, So you’re already moving from place to place, unstable as the wind blowing across the summer fields? Out loud Mamm said, “I’m glad somebody’s taking care of you, Susanna.”

  Rosalyn smiled. “The truth is, she’s taking care of us. I’ve felt downright lazy and spoiled all weekend. You’ve taught your daughter her household duties quite well, Mrs. Miller.”

  “It’s Linda,” Mamm muttered, though she had brightened at the praise. “Do you want to come inside?” Mamm turned to lead the way toward the house.

  “Where’s Daett?” Susanna asked.

  Mamm turned with a hurt look on her face. “He’ll be in soon from the back fields, I’m sure.” She had a weary smile on her face as she held open the front door. “Sorry about the mess, but I was trying to get lunch ready for the men. I’m sort of alone with the house, since—”

  “We’ll give you a little help,” Rosalyn said at once, “although your house looks spotless compared to mine when Susanna’s not around.”

  Mamm considered the offer for a second and finally nodded. “Do you want to fix lunch, Susanna? And I’ll clean up the house before the men arrive from the fields? Rosalyn can keep me busy with chatter.” She forced a smile. “I don’t have much of that anymore—female talk in the house.”

  “I’ll help, of course,” Rosalyn said.

  Susanna left them and hurried into the kitchen. Mamm had begun what was clearly potato soup. A large bowl was set on the table, and half-peeled potatoes were spread across the tabletop. Mamm planned to keep things simple apparently, but what choice did Mamm have since there was no one to help with the housework? The thoughts raced through Susanna’s mind as she finished peeling the potatoes. Was there some way she could come home a few days a week and help?

  Could she? Surely Mamm wouldn’t object. Or was she desperately attempting to live a sort of double life—with one foot in each world? But she no longer had a foot in this world, Susanna reminded herself. Maybe she could come home on slow days at the bed-and-breakfast. Mamm needed the help—badly, from the looks of things. Surely something could be worked out.

  Of course, she would have to ask Daett, but when and how? The dinner table was not the appropriate time. Oh, if only…Susanna glanced out of the kitchen window and gasped. Daett’s erect figure strode purposefully across the lawn from the open barn door. Susanna sat down and tried to breathe. She didn’t dare peel another potato until her emotions were under control. The knife would cut her fingers more readily than it sliced the potatoes.

  The outside washroom door opened with a bang, and Susanna stood to her feet. Daett burst in the kitchen door and came to a sudden stop.

  “Daett,” Susanna whispered.

  “My own daughter in my kitchen,” he said. “Where have you come from?” Daett looked as though he thought he was dreaming.

  Susanna stepped closer. He opened his arms, and she wrapped hers around him. The sobs came quickly, in quiet gasps.

  Daett tried to speak. “Are you…but there is a car in the driveway.”

  Susanna shook her head, unable to speak.

  “So you…” Daett tried again.

  “I’m only here for a few hours,” Susanna said.

  Daett took in the potatoes with a quick glance. “Then why the kitchen work?”

  “Mamm needed help,” Susanna replied. “And Rosalyn is helping Mamm clean the house.”

  “Who is Rosalyn?” Daett asked. But he didn’t wait for an answer before his arms closed around Susanna again. “My own daughter has come home,” Daett muttered. “Let me hold you close and never let go.”

  Susanna let the hug linger and then gently pulled back. “Daett, I’ve not come back to stay. This is only a visit.” Susanna looked away from the pain written on his face. “Please don’t make this harder than it is. We have to live with what is true, and being an Amish girl is no longer possible for me.”

  “But it is,” Daett objected, sitting down on a kitchen chair close to her.

  Susanna didn’t answer. Daett was only saying what was in his
heart, but he also knew the truth. Reality took a while to face. “Daett, I have a job and a place to stay at the Osseo’s Bed-and-Breakfast,” she said, trying to sound upbeat. “Out in Canton. You know the place?”

  Daett nodded. “Yah, I do, but how did you get a job there?”

  “Joey’s family is friends with the Osseos.”

  “That’s better than staying with him,” Daett said.

  Susanna blushed and then jumped to her feet to move the bowl of potatoes over to the stove. Mamm had begun a fire earlier, and the stove top was glowing hot. Daett watched her work with a pensive look on his face.

  “We miss you, Susanna,” he said.

  “I know. I miss you too,” she answered. “I know Mamm misses my help around the house. And that has given me an idea, Daett. What would you think about me coming to help Mamm when I can? Like, maybe on Tuesday or Thursday when the bed-and-breakfast is slow. I haven’t spoken with Rosalyn yet, but I think we can work it out. Mamm needs the help.”

  Daett didn’t say anything, so Susanna let the silence linger. At least he hadn’t said no.

  “And how would you get here?” Daett finally asked.

  “In a car.” Susanna forced a laugh. “I can’t drive a horse and buggy any longer, and it’s too far anyway.”

  “And you’ll soon drive your own car?”

  “I don’t know,” Susanna said. “I haven’t really thought about it.”

  “It would be goot to have you here,” Daett said.

  Susanna saw that tears had formed in his eyes. She stepped away from the stove to wrap her arms around his shoulders, but when Mamm’s face appeared in the kitchen doorway, Susanna let go.

  “I didn’t hear you come in,” Mamm said.

  “My daughter has come back,” Daett told her, as if that were all the answer Mamm needed. “And she is asking if she can come home and help you out a few days of the week. Surely that would be okay, don’t you think?”

  Mamm didn’t answer, and Rosalyn appeared behind her.

  “Welcome to our home,” Daett said in Rosalyn’s direction. He stood to his feet and smiled.

  Rosalyn stepped forward to offer her hand. “I’m so happy to meet you, Mr. Miller. I hope we’re not intruding.”

  Daett accepted Rosalyn’s handshake. “No, of course not. The boys noticed a car drive in, and when it didn’t leave after a while, I thought I’d come up and—”

  “I don’t know about Susanna coming home to help out,” Mamm interrupted. “What will Deacon Herman say?”

  Daett gave Rosalyn a quick glance. “Susanna hasn’t spoken with Rosalyn about this, so we can talk later, but I think we should consider the idea.”

  “I’m sure something can be worked out,” Rosalyn responded. “I’m not sure what Susanna has in mind—but considering the way the girl works, she could probably be in two places at one time and not surprise me at all.”

  Rosalyn’s and Daett’s laughter filled the room. Even Mamm smiled a little. Susanna returned to busying herself with the food preparations, and warm circles raced around her heart. Daett wanted her home, even on her terms. He was also willing to face Deacon Herman’s possible disapproval. Mamm still loved her too, Susanna reassured herself. Somehow they would all come to terms with what life had given them and allow the Lord to lead the way. Rosalyn had been right. Susanna had needed to come home. She stirred the potatoes and listened to the sounds of the conversation behind her. Daett had taken Rosalyn and Mamm into the living room, where Rosalyn had charmed even Mamm from the sounds of their voices. Truly the Lord was at work in their lives. She would comfort herself with that thought. The Lord was seeing fit to extend mercy toward them, and she would rejoice in every small gift of grace.

  Chapter Thirty-Five

  The following Tuesday morning found Susanna and Rosalyn lingering at the breakfast table with coffee cups in their hands. Outside the open kitchen window, birds could be heard chirping, and the two women listened to them with soft smiles on their faces. Susanna allowed herself to relax and let the quiet of the morning soothe her spirit. She still wasn’t used to the Englisha world, but Rosalyn had done her part in making the transition easy. Staying busy helped, and this past weekend had been a rush. All the cottages had been at full capacity, and two of the couples had stayed over into Monday.

  Rosalyn knew the value of hard work to heal the soul of its wounds. This morning they had risen early. Susanna had been raised on a farm where you got out of bed before the sun rose each day. From what she had seen of Rosalyn, the woman must have acquired similar habits long ago. In many ways this place was like home, which must be the Lord’s grace to help her ease into the Englisha world. She would have made it at the Macalister’s place, but this was so much better.

  Rosalyn interrupted Susanna’s quiet thoughts by saying, “Joey’s picking you up this morning to drive you over to your parents’ house.”

  Susanna almost spilled her coffee at Rosalyn’s words. “What! I thought you were driving me.”

  Rosalyn smiled slyly. “I think it’s time you and Joey see more of each other, don’t you think? You’ve been hiding out here for over a week, and he’s getting quite impatient.”

  “But why?” Susanna sputtered, though she knew exactly why Joey wanted to see her. “I’ve made him no promises.”

  “And that’s how it should be,” Rosalyn agreed. “But you do need to see him, and you have my approval if you choose to spend more time with each other. We’ll make it work with the schedule around here.” Rosalyn gave a little laugh. “I can exist on my own, you know.”

  “Of course you can!” Susanna said, wrinkling her face. “You were doing just fine before I came. You didn’t even have to take me in, but you did. For that I should be on my knees all day in thanks, and yet I hardly ever tell you how much I appreciate what you’ve done.”

  Rosalyn reached across the table to touch her hand. “It’s an honor, dear. How else could I have enlivened my boring life? Meeting you was exactly what I needed. And through you I finally got to see the inside of an Amish home! And to meet your parents.” Rosalyn gave Susanna a tender look. “Susanna, you do know they love you, even though it may not feel so at times. Even your Amish mother does in her own way. I hope you know that.”

  Susanna looked away. “I try to remember. They have always done the best they could for me. I’m only sorry it wasn’t enough… or what I really needed. I thought I would turn out to be a happy Amish girl, and now—”

  “Your father doted on you, didn’t he?” Rosalyn interrupted.

  “Daett spoiled me,” Susanna said. “I see that now. He let me get away with things he shouldn’t have. Daett didn’t want to know what I was doing all those weekends on my rumspringa time. I was in my own dream world. Now it’s all come crashing down.”

  “Don’t look back, dear,” Rosalyn chided. “I know the pain is there, but it will heal.”

  Susanna forced herself to laugh. “Oh, I know it will. Perhaps I’m just too self-absorbed. Everyone has problems, I guess. Why should I be any different?”

  “That’s true. Many young women your age have far worse problems.” Rosalyn glanced at her watch. “You’d better get ready for Joey. He’ll be here any minute.”

  Susanna sat up straight and fixed a smile on her face. “I’m ready now.”

  “Good. I’m going to do some book work in the office. You and Joey enjoy each other, okay? He’s a good young man,” Rosalyn said as she stood to leave.

  “Joey has been a true friend,” Susanna agreed. “I’ve come to realize that more than ever the last few weeks.”

  “I think I hear him now,” Rosalyn said with a twinkle in her eye.

  “Thanks for everything,” Susanna said over her shoulder as she dashed toward the door. Then she slowed, realizing a wild dash out to Joey’s car would leave the wrong impression. Joey shouldn’t know about the delight that stirred inside her at the thought of his smiling face. Susanna stepped slowly outside.

  “Good morning
,” Joey called through his open car window. “You look cheerful this morning. Rosalyn must not have worked you too hard.”

  “She’s a jewel,” Susanna said, climbing in the car. “And goot morning to you.”

  “Off to Amish land again.” Joey gave her a long look. “You’re not thinking of moving back, are you?”

  “I’m not going back,” Susanna answered. “Don’t look so worried.” She reached over to give his hand a quick squeeze. “And thank you for taking me this morning—and picking me up again tonight, I assume.”

  “Yep! I’m yours for the day,” Joey chirped.

  “Were you worried, thinking I’d consider going back?”

  Joey started the car and drove out of the lane before he answered. “Not really, it’s just that—”

  Susanna stopped him. “You don’t have to say it. I understand, and I’m thankful.” She paused. How was she to express her feelings to him? So much in her present world was still new, and Joey was her friend—only now she wondered if he might be more than that to her. She had to be honest about that too.

  Joey smiled as he settled back into his seat. “So what does the day hold when you get to the homeplace? Will you scrub pots and pans all day and wash laundry and clean the fireplace cinders?”

  “Maybe. What’s wrong with that?”

  “You’re a real Cinderella, I suppose,” Joey teased.

  Susanna thought for a moment before she remembered the Englisha tale of the servant girl who worked for her harsh stepsisters and stepmother before she finally married the prince.

  Joey chuckled. “You do know the story, don’t you?”

  “Yah.” Susanna hid her face. “But I’m not Cinderella.”

  “And neither am I the prince,” Joey said. “But like the prince, I do care about you, Susanna. More than I can ever say. I hope you know that.”