Until I Love Again

by Jerry S. Eicher

  “You play even better than she did,” Daett finally said.

  “Why didn’t you marry Mindy?” Susanna asked, and wished at once that she hadn’t. She already knew the answer, and the pain that flashed across Daett’s face cut deep into her heart.

  “Following the Lord is a higher calling than human love.” Daett kept his gaze fixed on the road ahead. “I made my choice, but I should not have tried to make yours.”

  “I also seek to follow the Lord,” Susanna whispered.

  Daett’s face darkened, but he said nothing. There would always be a gulf between them. She was not to blame that the bridge to cross had not been built. Perhaps such a thing could never be, but at least they were at peace with each other.

  Daett looked at her and managed to smile as if in confirmation of Susanna’s thoughts. “Do you plan to marry him?” he asked as they neared the outskirts of Heuvelton.

  “He hasn’t asked…yet,” Susanna said.

  Daett pulled back on the reins and slowed Charlie for the town’s first stoplight. “I might as well make all my apologizes today,” Daett said. “So, yah, I’m also sorry about Ernest and the part I played in that mess.”

  Susanna glanced at him. “It’s in the past now, and I’m thankful you let me keep in touch with the family. It lessens the pain.”

  Daett didn’t say anything for a moment. “You will always be my daughter,” he finally said.

  Susanna reached over and took his hand.

  Chapter Forty-One

  As planned, Joey left for law school the next term. As the weeks sped by, Susanna was able to keep herself occupied with work at the bed-and-breakfast, plus she had taken on a few sewing jobs from Englisha women who either needed something mended or wanted a dress made from a fancy new pattern.

  She also continued sewing for herself and now had several nice, modest dresses from which to choose.

  Tonight she chose carefully. Joey was home for a long weekend and wanted to take her out to dinner. Susanna browsed through her closet and picked out an emerald green dress she had made just last week. She slipped it on and paused in front of the full-length mirror. A faint blush spread over her face. Not that long ago she wouldn’t have dared more than a brief glance at herself in the mirror, even with a new dress. The glass above the dresser in the old farmhouse might have glared back at her.

  Susanna looked away and then back again. She would be careful that pride didn’t enter her heart even as she wore nice Englisha dresses, but she wished to appear her best tonight. Ever since Joey’s call, she had felt butterflies in her stomach. One thing she had requested of Joey—that supper be at Hunter and Alice’s home in Ogdensburg.

  “Whatever you work out is fine with me,” Joey had said.

  She had made the arrangement at once to the Whithuses’ great delight. She wanted to be with Joey around family rather than at some fancy Englisha restaurant, and she couldn’t take him home to Mamm and Daett’s.

  For such a long time she had repeated over and over to others and to herself that Joey was just a friend, but now she had to admit to herself that he had become more than that.

  Susanna blushed into the mirror at the thought. Joey was up to something. There had been a special light in his eyes when he was home for his most recent long weekend. It was the same gleam Joey had that moonlit night when they walked hand in hand around the Osseos’ pond. That night she wasn’t ready for Joey’s words. Tonight she was ready.

  A hunger for new horizons had crept over her these past weeks. Daett’s revelation about her grandparents, the happy hours she had spent at their home in Ogdensburg since then, and the continued days spent helping Mamm had only added to the urge.

  Henry had driven Charlotte Yoder home from the hymn singing just last month. The two were a charming couple, and Mamm had glowed with happiness when she shared the news. Such a life had been planned for Susanna, but it was not to be. She was glad for Henry and Charlotte, as she was for Ernest and Emma. Their wedding had occurred late in the wedding season—a hurried affair, no doubt—but Emma was now Ernest’s frau. She, of course, hadn’t been invited to the wedding, as she wouldn’t be to any of the Amish weddings.

  Things were the way they were, and she held no bitterness against the community. She was thankful she could freely go home during the week. That might change after she owned her own car, but then again, maybe not. Deacon Herman and Bishop Enos seemed to go as far out of their way as they could to make things easy for her, but her attendance at weddings would definitely be across the line. Maybe she could visit with Henry and Charlotte on the day before their wedding—once the date was set. Mamm and Daett would try to involve her the best they could.

  Susanna eyed the mirror again.

  “It’s goot enough,” she told the reflection.

  Susanna opened the bedroom door and went out to the patio area, where several guests sat talking around a table.

  “Hello everyone,” she greeted them. She had checked all of them in earlier. “Everything okay?”

  “Splendid!” one of the men exclaimed.

  “Off with someone special?” the man’s wife teased.

  Susanna smiled shyly, nodded, and then hurried on. Joey was always on time and should be in the driveway by now. A quick glance out to the lane confirmed her suspicions.

  Rosalyn stepped up beside her. “Off for a big date?” she asked.

  “Yah, but I’m so sorry about leaving you alone for the evening!” Susanna exclaimed. “I really am. I should stay and—”

  Rosalyn stopped her. “No, you’ve worked hard and you deserve this. Run along and forget all about Osseos’ for the evening.”

  Susanna gave Rosalyn a long hug. “You have done so much for me.”

  Rosalyn pushed her away gently. “Go, dear. Joey’s waiting.”

  Susanna nodded and headed up the driveway with slower steps. Joey didn’t need to think she was overly eager, even when she wanted nothing more than for him to take her in his arms on sight.

  “Hi there, beautiful,” Joey’s voice called out.

  “Hi, handsome,” she chirped.

  Joey had stepped out of his car and came closer, his arms open. She rushed forward and allowed herself to fall into them. She pulled him close and rested her head on his shoulder. His arms closed snugly around her.

  Delight flooded Joey’s face when he peered down at her. “Now that was a welcome!” he pronounced.

  “I’ve missed you so much,” she whispered. “You are such a sight for sore eyes.”

  Joey laughed and held her at arm’s length. “That would be true of you,” he said, “and not me. You are lovely, dear, with a beauty only the Lord could have given you.”

  “Hush,” Susanna told him, and then climbed in the car before he could open the door for her. He hesitated only a second before he hopped in the other side.

  “Your grandparents’ home in Ogdensburg, right?”

  Susanna nodded. “Is that still okay? I mean…”

  “It’s fine.” Joey’s smile didn’t fade as he backed up and drove out on Highway 68. “In fact, it’s an excellent idea,” he added. “As all your ideas are.”

  “Stop it,” Susanna ordered, but Joey only grinned.

  “Do we have a few moments before we have to arrive?” he asked.

  Susanna glanced at the clock on his dashboard. “I guess so. I didn’t give them an exact time.”

  “See?” Joey glowed. “You always know the perfect answer.”

  Susanna reached over to squeeze his hand. “So how’s school going?”

  Joey groaned. “Tough! As law school always is. Things only get worse, they say, but I’ve managed to keep my grades up. Couldn’t disappoint Dad, you know.”

  “You couldn’t disappoint yourself,” she said with another squeeze of his hand. “You’ll make it, I’m sure.”

  Joey smiled. “I hope so. Thanks for the confidence.”

  Silence settled in the car as they approached Canton. “Where are we going?�
� Susanna asked when Joey turned south instead of continuing north toward Ogdensburg.

  “A little detour,” he teased. “We won’t be long.”

  Susanna looked out her window. She didn’t dare look at Joey. Somehow she knew this was the night. How like Joey to tuck precious times into the spaces available. He had always been like this, from the time she first met him during her rumspringa. Joey had the patience and the touch of an angel.

  “You’ve never flown away, though,” she said out loud.

  Joey gave her a strange look. “Say that again?”

  “Just musing,” she said, “about how wonderful you are. But I think your head would swell too much if I gave you all the details.”

  “I want to hear them.” He pretended to pout, and Susanna laughed.

  “You are an angel,” she told him. “Remember? I’ve told you that before. But you’re an angel who’s never flown away. You’re still with me.”

  He reached for her hand as the outskirts of Heuvelton appeared. “I’d like to always be with you, Susanna,” he whispered. “I love you. You know that.”

  She nodded and looked away. No words would come at the moment, and Joey seemed to understand perfectly. Joey always did.

  He pulled off the road at the right place and parked the car along the familiar riverbank. Joey climbed out and came around to open the door for her. Susanna took his hand, and together they walked to the edge of the bank and gazed across the river. Water splashed softly over the small rocks that were scattered in the shallow parts.

  “I think of this as our place,” Joey said, “and I wanted to bring you here now. We’ve been through so much…”

  Susanna smiled up at him. “You don’t have to say it.”

  He paused. “I’ve wanted to ask before…but you weren’t ready, and I had law school to think about.” He paused for a moment and laced one of her curls around his finger. “You have become such a part of my life, Susanna.” He paused again and then drew her into another embrace. “The truth is, I can’t wait until I’m through law school to know the answer to the biggest question I’ve ever asked anyone. Susanna Miller, will you be my wife? I love you with all my heart.”

  “Joey!” She reached up to touch his face.

  “Will you?” he pleaded.

  Susanna nodded through moist eyes. “But I don’t deserve your love.”

  “You deserve the love of a prince…just like Cinderella.”

  “Kiss me, Joey,” she said.

  He hesitated, and tears glistened in his eyes. Without a word he drew her close, and Susanna closed her eyes. She didn’t want to ever open them lest the angel fly away after all. Surely only an angel could fill her with such joy and happiness. Was this what it felt like to love? Why hadn’t she dared to love him a long, long time ago?

  Susanna opened her eyes. He was still there. The angel in her life was still at her side.

  “Are you sure you know what you’re getting into?” Susanna asked.

  “Yes, I know,” he said, placing his fingertips on her chin and lifting her face to his for another kiss.

  Susanna dropped her gaze. “Joey, I want to go to law school with you.”

  “Law school?” Joey said, tilting his head.

  Susanna smiled. “Not as a student, silly. As your wife. Can we get married when you come home at the end of this semester? Then I can return with you for the new semester.”

  “Of course. The sooner the better,” Joey said, taking Susanna by the waist and lifting her gently in the air.

  When her feet were back on the ground, she said, “Let’s tell my grandparents. They’ll be so excited.”

  Joey looked at his watch. “Yes, and I imagine they’re wondering what became of us.”

  Susanna held Joey’s hand as they walked back to the car and he helped her in. She took his hand again for the drive to Ogdensburg. Joey parked in the Whithuses’ driveway, and Hunter and Alice met them at the front door.

  “Welcome! We’ve been waiting for you,” Hunter exclaimed.

  “Thank you,” Joey replied, following Hunter inside.

  Susanna gave Alice a quick hug and whispered in her ear, “We have something to tell you.”

  “Oh?” Alice’s face glowed.

  Joey came close again, and slipped his arm around Susanna’s shoulder. “Your lovely granddaughter has consented to be my wife. We’ll marry at the end of the present school term.”

  Susanna clung to Joey as Hunter and Alice rushed forward with their congratulations. Afterward the table was laid out in the dining room, with the spread of food Alice had prepared. Baked potatoes, green beans, corn casserole, tossed salad, and layered cake for dessert.

  They were seated with Joey by Susanna’s side. She knew she could never be this happy again. It simply wasn’t possible, and yet when she looked up into Joey’s eyes, the years of joy stretched out in front of her and never seemed to stop.

  Chapter Forty-Two

  A special morning weeks later dawned without a cloud in the sky. A soft breeze blew across the Osseos’ pond and stirred only the slightest of ripples on the water. Susanna stood in front of the full-length mirror with Rosalyn and Alice behind her.

  “She’s so beautiful,” Alice whispered. “And the girl made the dress herself.”

  Susanna wanted to protest both points, but she couldn’t bring herself to speak. The moment seemed too sacred for words. Here she was on her wedding day, and the blessing and the joy of the Lord filled her to overflowing. Such had been her happiness that she had dared take the dress pattern home to Mamm and ask for advice.

  Mamm had raised her eyebrows and had given her the advice she wanted. But none of the elegant dress had been sewn at the Millers’ home. There were limits to everything. The work had been done at Alice’s house, where there was plenty of peace and quiet and music when Susanna needed to relax her tense nerves. The wedding dress must be perfect. Only her best effort would do.

  Susanna stepped back from the mirror and relaxed every muscle in her body. She would soak in the moments of this day and store them away in her memory. If she lived for a hundred years she could never give thanks enough for what the Lord had given her. Joey’s love had built up in her heart until it felt as if she would burst with joy.

  “Come, we need to go,” Rosalyn prodded. “The guests are here.”

  The guests, of course, didn’t include Mamm and Daett. They could not attend their daughter’s Englisha wedding. It was simply forbidden by the ordnung. Her spirits sank a little at the thought, but only for a moment. She understood her parents’ position. At least Joey’s parents were here. But Daett had given his blessing. For that she could also give thanks. She and Joey would stop in this afternoon at the Millers’ place, before flying out the next day on their honeymoon to Paris. Joey had suggested the plan, as if he knew what moved her heart before she said the words. Paris! Only in her dreams as an Amish schoolgirl had she ever thought of Paris.

  Rosalyn waved her hand in front of Susanna’s face. “Back to earth, dear. Time to wed the handsome prince.”

  “And a prince he is,” Alice agreed. “The Lord has blessed us more than we ever dared dream…”

  Alice didn’t finish the thought. Both Susanna and Rosalyn knew what Alice meant. At Rosalyn’s suggestion, Susanna had asked if Hunter would lead her down the aisle. The question had brought a tear to her grandfather’s eye, and he had said, “I would be greatly honored, Susanna.”

  What the big deal was, Susanna wasn’t really sure. The Amish didn’t walk anyone down the aisle at weddings, but she wasn’t Amish any longer, even if the simple elegance of her wedding dress reflected her upbringing. Such things were not easily left behind, and neither did she want them to be.

  “Coming,” Susanna said. She followed the two women out of the bedroom and into the kitchen, where Hunter was waiting for them. His face lit up when they walked in.

  “Isn’t she beautiful?” Alice gushed.

  “Absolutely angelic,” Hunter sai
d. He stepped closer to hold out his arm.

  Susanna took his arm, and muttered softly, “I can’t cry. I can’t cry.”

  Rosalyn, who had tears in her own eyes, said, “That’s okay, honey. We’ll do the crying for you.”

  Behind them the young photographer had his camera up to his eye, getting shots of the whole scene. She must not pay him any attention, Susanna reminded herself. She was Englisha now, and there was no pride in her heart—only joy that she would be Joey’s frau.

  Rosalyn held the door open for them, and Hunter led the way outside into the bright sunlight. The faint sound of music echoed from the pond. That would be Joey’s cousin Marisa, who had volunteered to play the piano for the wedding. Joey’s parents were seated up front.

  “She plays well,” Hunter told Susanna, “but nothing like you.”

  Susanna smiled, and the tempo of the music changed. It was time for them to walk toward Joey, who stood waiting for his bride. The small group of guests stood and turned to watch them approach, with a smile on every face. Several of the couples were regular guests at the cottages who had been warned in advance of the wedding but had still booked the rooms. Rosalyn had invited them to attend the short ceremony, and all of the guests had accepted.

  Susanna kept her gaze steady as they made their way toward Joey and the minister. Joey’s face glowed with happiness, and Susanna pressed back the tears. To fill this man’s life with joy was an honor she couldn’t begin to comprehend.

  “He sure loves you,” Hunter whispered in Susanna’s ear.

  As they reached the end of their walk, Susanna reached out and took Joey’s outstretched hand. The couple then turned to face Pastor Rosen. At home Bishop Enos would be standing in front of her, but she was now a new person in a new world. Her life with Joey would be greatly blessed by the Lord. She no longer doubted that for a moment.

  Pastor Rosen cleared his throat and smiled. “I am honored,” he said, “to attend this union in marriage today of two wonderful young people. I have known Joey all of his life, but Susanna not so well. Yet the Lord has known both of you since before you were born. It is to Him and before Him that you have come today to commit your lives as husband and wife.” Pastor Rosen paused. “With that being said, the young couple has decided to read their own vows to each other. Joey, if you will, please.”