Dear Heart, I Hate You

by J. Sterling

  “Cal, if you want to come out and visit after I leave here, I won’t be the one to stop you. And I’ll definitely have sex with you then.”

  And I meant it. Not having sex when we’d just met was one thing, but if I saw Cal again after tonight, I’d totally give myself to him. Because that would mean that we’d kept in touch after this night. And hell yeah, that earned him a little hot sex. Which meant it earned me sex too.

  “I can’t wait to see you again,” he said, making me smile. “I love everything about you, Jules. There isn’t a single thing I don’t like.”

  I wondered how much of that was the bourbon talking, considering I’d watched him down a few glasses.

  “We just met, Cal; of course you love everything about me. Get back to me in a few months.”

  “Deal,” he said before his lips met mine.

  Just Having Fun

  Cal

  Hell, if Jules had called my bluff, asked me to actually book a flight out to see her so we could have sex tonight, I would have done it. I was that caught up in the moment. Or maybe it was just her that I was that caught up in.

  Ridding myself of that fantasy, I crash-landed back into reality. It was a hard fall, but I needed it. I had two more days to spend time with Jules, and I planned on doing exactly that. Two more days and then we’d never see each other again. Which sort of sucked, but it was what it was. She lived in Los Angeles and I lived in Boston; there was no future for us. But that didn’t mean that I couldn’t enjoy her while she was here.

  Jules stopping us tonight from having sex had been pretty respectable. I wouldn’t have thought any less of her if we had done it, but had to admire the fact that she knew herself well enough to know what she could and couldn’t handle emotionally. Most people generally didn’t have that level of self-awareness, myself included at times.

  Plus, the last thing I needed was to sleep with someone and have her go all crazy psycho on me. Been there; done that. And it wasn’t fun. Hence, my timeline. It saved me from all sorts of potential drama.

  I lay back down and reached for Jules. “Come here.” Wrapping my hand around her waist, I pulled her against me, and she lay her head on my chest as I ran my fingers through her hair. “Wanna just talk a bit?”

  Her head lifted slightly. “Seriously?”

  “Seriously.”

  “Only if said talking has kissing involved.” She looked up at me and ran her thumb along my bottom lip. “These things right here, they do something to me.” She pressed her lips to mine before her tongue swept across them, teasing me.

  “You don’t play fair.”

  She smiled before moving her head back to my chest. “I know. I can’t help it. Those lips. They’ll be my ruin.”

  I laughed, my ego loving her compliments, but I needed to change the subject or I’d end up being the type of asshole who didn’t stop trying to have sex with her until she finally gave in. I wanted to be better than that.

  “No more talk about my lips. Or your lips. Or any kind of lips,” I said sternly.

  She giggled, her shoulders shaking against my chest. “Now all I want to do is talk about them.”

  I cleared my throat, trying to calm myself down from the thought of her mouth and what it could do to my body, and came up with a safe question that wouldn’t turn me on. At least, I hoped it wouldn’t. With my luck, Jules would tell me she had an identical twin sister, and then my willpower and my plan to behave would be shot to hell.

  Going for a conversational tone, I said, “Do you have any brothers or sisters?”

  She giggled against my chest again. “Nice subject change, but I’ll play along. One older sister. I think I was an oops, although my parents will never admit it. But who has two kids seventeen years apart? No one does, that’s who. At least, not on purpose.”

  “Your sister is seventeen years older than you?” I couldn’t believe it. That seemed crazy to me.

  “Yes!” She looked up at me again, then moved her hand on top of my chest before propping her chin on it. “And my parents are like, ‘We planned for you, Jules.’ Bullshit. Liars!” she said with a laugh.

  “Do they all live near you?”

  “My sister took a job in London about a year ago. I don’t think she’s ever coming back. And my parents keep taking ‘extended vacations’ there,” she said, using air quotes around the words. “One day they’re going to send me an e-mail saying they’re staying forever.”

  “Could you blame them?” I asked with a smile.

  “Not really. I’m sort of in love with London.”

  I nodded in agreement. “I understand that feeling.”

  “You’ve been?”

  “Once, after college. But I’ve never gotten over it and I’ve always wanted to go back.”

  She smiled like she could once again completely relate to my words. “What about you?”

  “What about me, what?” I asked, not sure what she was inquiring about exactly.

  “Siblings?” she reminded me with a smirk. “Do you have any?”

  “I have one older brother, and a younger brother and sister,” I said as thoughts of my siblings made me smile to myself. We had grown up close, but now we only saw one another during the holidays.

  “So many,” she said, her tone almost awestruck.

  “We’re Irish,” I said as if that was reason enough. Which to be fair, it was.

  “No wonder you love this city so much. It’s like Irish Central.”

  I’d never thought about that before, but Jules might have been on to something. I loved Boston in general because it was a really great city, proud and filled with hardworking people, but she was right. The Irish ruled this town.

  “I do love it. Is this your first time to the East Coast?”

  She shook her head. “It’s my first time in Boston, but not the East Coast. I’ve been to New York a handful of times. I wanted to go to school there so bad when I was younger.”

  “Why didn’t you?” Strange; Jules didn’t seem the type to let anything stand in her way.

  “I didn’t get in,” she said, her expression revealing her regret and sadness.

  “That sucks. I’m sorry. New York’s a great city.”

  “I know. I love it there; I always wanted to live there. Not forever, but for a few years, you know? Just to experience something different from what I was used to.”

  I nodded. I did know. It was why I’d moved out of Jersey. Granted, I didn’t go very far, in the grand scheme of things, but Boston was completely different from my hometown. The people weren’t the same, the city wasn’t the same, nothing was the same except that they existed in the same general area of the map.

  “That’s why I wanted to get out of Jersey too. I was afraid that if I didn’t leave for college, I never would.”

  She sighed, seemingly lost in memories. “It’s hard when you plant that seed in your mind. You convince yourself that moving across the country is the only thing you want, and then it’s all you can think about. When I didn’t get in, I was crushed. I hadn’t even applied to any other out-of-state schools. I just assumed I’d get in.” She shook her head. “God, I was so clueless.”

  “So you stayed in LA for college?” I asked, feeling disappointed for her.

  “Yep. Which was fine, don’t get me wrong. I had a great experience. It’s just that that lust for adventure, that want for a location change never really goes away when you don’t get the chance to fulfill it.” Her gaze drifted away, going a little unfocused as she said, “Sure, I stuff it deep down and try to tell myself I don’t want it anymore, but that’s a lie. It’s still there. It rears up its head every now and then, begging me to toss all my things in a suitcase and just leave.” She bit her lip and stopped talking, as if she only now realized she had an audience.

  “Don’t stop,” I said, wanting Jules to keep going. Her honesty was beyond refreshing. Most people didn’t share their heart very easily, and she did it so willingly.

  She shrugged
and laid her head back on my chest. “That’s basically it. For the most part, I’m really happy where I am. But sometimes I feel so pulled away, like I’m supposed to be somewhere else. Do you ever feel like that? I’m crazy, right? Totally not normal?” she asked with a slight smile.

  “I think that if I hadn’t ever left New Jersey, I’d feel that way too. A hundred percent. You’re not crazy.” I put my hand on hers and gave it a squeeze. “You actually sound a lot like my little brother’s fiancée. Must be a California thing.”

  “How so?”

  “She basically said the same thing as you did about moving away for college. That she wanted to get out of LA and experience something new.”

  Jules’s head snapped up. “Wait—she’s from LA? What part?”

  I racked my brain. “Shit. I know this.” I snapped my fingers and squeezed my eyes shut as I concentrated. “Bur-something?”

  “Burbank?”

  “Yes! That’s it. Katherine’s from Burbank.”

  “That’s not too far from where I live. Where is she now?”

  Her voice took on an excitement that made me smile. Jules might have wanted to move somewhere else for the experience, but she loved where she was from. It was written all over her face, reflected in her eyes and in the tone of her voice.

  “She and Cooper, that’s my brother, live in Chicago. He plays professional hockey. You know, he has a game in town tomorrow night, if you’re interested.”

  “Really?” She stared up at me, her green eyes big and trusting as I leaned over to kiss her forehead again, loving the way it made me feel protective of her. “You want me to go to his game with you?”

  “Yeah. Unless you don’t like hockey.” A lot of girls weren’t into sports, so I offered her the opportunity to say no. But I hoped like hell she wouldn’t.

  She huffed out a breath. “I don’t know anything about it, to be honest. Obviously, I know what hockey is, but I’ve never watched it on purpose. And I’ve never been to a game.”

  “Stop.” I moved to sit up, lifting her with me. “What is it with you California girls and hating hockey?”

  “I don’t hate hockey,” she said with a laugh. “My dad didn’t watch sports when I was growing up, and I didn’t play any. He used to be a big baseball fan, but after they went on strike one year, he stopped supporting it. Quit baseball cold turkey.”

  That made sense. My dad had stopped watching baseball too after the strike.

  Hugging Jules close, I said, “We’re a huge hockey family, especially now that Cooper’s gone pro. My dad’s been obsessed with all things Rangers since we were kids. He had all of us on the ice as soon as we came out of the womb, even my sister. But Cooper was the best of us by far.”

  “That sounds nice, though. Having so many brothers and sisters,” she said almost dreamily.

  “It is,” I wholeheartedly agreed.

  “Will Katherine be at the game tomorrow?”

  “Yeah. She usually travels with Cooper, especially when he comes to a town where one of us lives.”

  Her smile widened. “That’s cool.”

  “So you’ll come with me?”

  “I’d love to.”

  “It’ll be fun. I promise.”

  “I know it will,” she said with a smile.

  Glancing at the clock on the nightstand, I noted how late it was. Or early, depending on how you looked at it. While I had no qualms about staying up with Jules until dawn, I knew that she had to attend a bunch of meetings tomorrow—or later today, technically.

  When her gaze followed mine, her shoulders slumped. “I should probably go.”

  I knew it was coming, but that didn’t make it suck any less. “You could stay,” I offered, knowing she’d never say yes. But you couldn’t blame a man for trying. You can’t win the game if you don’t play.

  “Tempting,” she said with a grin before giving me a sweet kiss. “But I should probably sleep in my own room. That way, I’ll actually sleep.”

  I knew that answer was coming too. Still sucked, because I wasn’t ready to let her go.

  “Give me your phone,” I said as she pushed off the bed and stood up, stretching her arms above her head before she tossed her phone at me without question.

  So trusting, I thought. Like she had nothing to hide. And maybe she didn’t.

  “Where did you throw my shirts?” she asked.

  “In the trash.” I smirked as I turned her phone on, noting the lack of a password, and programmed my number in before sending myself a text so I’d have her number too.

  “Ha-ha,” she said sarcastically. “Found them! And not in the trash.”

  My phone vibrated with my own text message as Jules pulled her tank top over her body and covered herself up. It was a damn shame to hide those curves. Pushing myself from the bed, I found my own shirt on the floor and pulled it on.

  As she slipped on her blouse, she asked, “What are you doing?”

  “Walking you to your room.”

  “You don’t have to do that,” she said, giving me an out I had no intention of taking.

  “I know I don’t have to. I want to.”

  The smile that brightened her face reassured me that even though she’d said I didn’t have to, she wanted me to. I wasn’t a total dick when it came to women. Hell, maybe I was when I wasn’t interested in them, but I genuinely enjoyed Jules. She brought out the gentleman in me, and I was fairly certain men like that were sorely lacking back in Los Angeles, which only made me want to be more of one.

  If Jules and I were never going to see each other again, I’d send her home with memories of that really hot, sweet guy she met in Boston. The one she compared all others to.

  Wait—was that my ego talking or my pride? It might have been a combination of both, but I couldn’t be sure. My head was a little messed up, alternating between the reality of our situation and some fantasyland where no one existed except for the two of us.

  I held her close as we walked to the elevator, and once the door shut behind us, I attacked her mouth with mine. I wasn’t sure what it was about Jules and elevators, but the second those doors slammed together, I wanted her pressed against the mirrored wall, giving herself to me. All my self-control was lost when I had her in a confined space like this.

  We exited the elevator and when we arrived at her room, I kissed her softly as I wrapped my hand in her long blond hair.

  “I had a really nice time tonight,” she whispered, almost as if she was embarrassed to admit it.

  Hell, I wasn’t sure at all what she was thinking. Maybe she thought I didn’t have a nice time because we didn’t have sex?

  “I’m sorry we didn’t . . . you know,” she said, stumbling over her words. “I mean, I’m not sorry. I’m just sorry if you were disappointed.”

  There it was. I loved how she seemed to say what she felt when most people, myself included, kept those things locked inside.

  “I’m not disappointed. I had a great time with you tonight. I mean that,” I said, her tenseness easing with my words.

  “I did too.”

  “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  “I can’t wait,” she said with a small smile.

  “Me either.” Leaning in to give her one last kiss, I waited for her to open her door and walk all the way inside before I headed back to the elevator.

  • • •

  When I walked back through my room’s door a few minutes later, I was nearly knocked over by a rapid-fire barrage of pillows.

  “What the hell? Those had better be yours!”

  “Where were you?” Lucas said from his now pillowless bed.

  Frowning as I stepped over all the pillows on the floor, I said, “Just walking Jules to her room.”

  “Jules, that hot blonde I saw you with downstairs?” He waggled his eyebrows.

  “Yeah. How was your date? Why are you back already?”

  “Exactly,” he said with a groan. “Why am I back already?”

  “Because y
our date sucked? No pun intended,” I said with a grin as I walked into the bathroom to brush my teeth and get ready for bed.

  “You’re hilarious. Tell me about Jules.” Lucas stepped into the doorway before moving to the edge of the bathtub and making himself comfortable.

  I stopped brushing my teeth and talked around the toothpaste in my mouth. “There’s nothing to tell. Except, oh yeah, you’re not coming with me to Coop’s game tomorrow. Sorry.” I delivered the news quickly, hoping he wouldn’t throw a complete fit.

  “Seriously? You meet this girl, what, four hours ago, and I’m already getting pushed aside for her? Not cool, man. Not fucking cool at all. You’re a dick.” He scowled at me, and I almost felt bad.

  “I know,” I said before rinsing out my mouth.

  It was sort of a dick move, but Lucas had seen Cooper play a hundred times. And Lucas didn’t even like hockey. He only went to the games so he could meet the other players and see if any played for his team.

  A small smile appeared. “I’m just messing with you. It’s cool. But I can’t believe you’re bringing some chick you just met to a game. Are you feeling all right?”

  When he stood up and placed a hand on my forehead, I gave him a little shove.

  I tried not to read too much into his words. Jules was going back to California soon enough, and that would be that.

  After wiping my face with a towel, I said, “She’s fun. And she leaves in two days, so I figured, what the hell?”

  I actually hadn’t figured what the hell. I hadn’t thought this through at all. When I asked Jules to come with me to Cooper’s game, it was because I genuinely wanted her there. All the potential reasons why hadn’t even crossed my mind. Until now.

  “She leaves in two days?”

  “Yeah, she’s just here for a conference.”

  “Where’s she from?”

  “California.”

  “So you plan on hanging out with her until she goes back home?” He sat back down on the edge of the tub and cocked his head to the side, his brow creased.

  I shrugged. “Yeah. Why? What’s wrong with that?”

  His smirk reappeared. “Nothing. That sounds like a great idea.”