Dear Heart, I Hate You

by J. Sterling

  “I don’t want to go either, babe. This sucks.” He pulled me into his arms tightly, as if he didn’t know when he’d get the chance to do it again. Hell, neither of us did.

  “I hate this.” My voice was muffled against his chest as he patted my hair.

  He pressed his lips against the top of my head. “I’ll call you when I land.”

  My eyes started to fill as I silently berated myself. I refused to cry simply because Cal was going home. After all, that’s where he lived, and I needed to accept that.

  Giving him a trembling smile, I said, “Have a safe flight.”

  He kissed me again, but this kiss was rougher, more desperate, filled with want, desire, and unspoken promises. “I had a really great time this weekend. Thank you for everything.”

  My cheeks warmed. “Thank you for coming out. It was so much fun.”

  He stood behind my car, holding his bag awkwardly, as if unsure of how to walk away from me. I fidgeted in place, not knowing how to let him go. I sure as hell didn’t want to.

  Cal drew in a sharp breath and grabbed me again, pulling me tightly against him. “I really hate this.”

  “Me too.” I kissed his mouth, my heart shattering. “So much.”

  Studying me with a pained expression, he said, “I’d better go or I might never leave.” He gave me one last quick kiss and turned away quickly, as if afraid he might change his mind.

  God, how I wanted him to.

  Once he disappeared from my view completely, I climbed back into my car and had just started to pull away, but the ping of an incoming text message made me slam on my brakes.

  Dream Lips: I miss you already.

  With tears in my eyes, I tapped out a response.

  Jules: Come back.

  Losing It

  Cal

  Walking away from Jules at the airport was fucking brutal. It was one thing to let her leave me back in Boston, but being the one who had to get on a plane after a weekend that amazing absolutely sucked. I wanted to turn around, get right back into her car, and tell her to take us home where I could make love to her for hours.

  But I didn’t. I couldn’t.

  I had to walk away, had to get on that plane, go home, and get back to work.

  I also really needed to focus less on Jules and all of this long-distance shit, but there was little chance of that happening. I wondered for a minute how the hell I’d allowed myself to get sucked into something like this—a situation with no happy ending—before I fantasized about her naked body underneath me and forgot all about reality.

  As soon as I landed, I called her to tell her I made it back home safely. She sounded tired, but her voice was sweeter than usual. We had bonded this weekend, on every level. As much as I might have wanted to convince myself otherwise for my sanity, I knew it was true. The only difference was that I was better at hiding it than she was. Jules had opened up to me so easily, so quickly, her feelings always so transparent and honest, but I tried to keep mine at bay.

  Crawling into my bed alone that night after having Jules in my arms was just one more thing I added to the suck column of this whole thing. I’d been perfectly fine my entire life without having her next to me in bed, but now it felt ridiculously empty and cold.

  Shaking my head, I reached for my phone and scrolled through the new pictures she had texted me of us. I’d just left, but she already felt worlds away.

  • • •

  When I woke up the next morning, I texted Jules as usual, but also added that I missed her before I could talk myself out of it. There was a quiet battle starting to brew between my heart and my mind, and Lord only knew how I’d survive once the war finally broke out. I tried not to think about it as I got ready for work, preparing myself for the numerous questions that would inevitably come from Lucas.

  Work was pretty standard, with the exception of my calls with Tabbie and Ron back in California. They both signed with me for a trial year, and I sensed that this was only the beginning of my celebrity client list. I planned on blowing their minds in that year and being someone they could depend on so thoroughly that they couldn’t imagine not having me in their life, let alone making any financial decisions without consulting me. My bosses were ecstatic about the new additions to our client roster, and teased me about a prospective partnership coming about sooner rather than later.

  Lucas wandered into my cubicle and perched on the edge of my desk, pouting. “I can’t believe you saw Quinn and Ryson at a party in Hollywood. Hell, I can’t believe you went to a private party in Hollywood without me. Life isn’t fair.”

  First thing this morning, I’d told him briefly about the party and my new clients before telling him I’d give him all the details after the stock market closed. He had freaked out, the way I knew he would when I mentioned Ryson’s name, forcing me to threaten to pound on him if he didn’t calm the hell down.

  “It was from a distance,” I said. “They were dancing. It’s not like I talked to them or anything.” I tried to play it cool as if it were no big deal, but we both knew that it was a pretty big damn deal.

  Lucas crossed his arms over his chest, studying me. “You leave for the weekend and come back with two new clients, one of whom is an actress. A pretty big one too. How does this shit even happen?” When I just shrugged, he said, “I know how. Jules. Jules happened. Why couldn’t she love me instead of you?”

  I laughed. “I think we both know the reason for that.”

  “She could change me,” he joked, mocking all the women who’d said those words to him in the past, wrongly thinking that his gender preference was simply a choice he’d made. “How is she, by the way?”

  “Great, I think.”

  “You think? You don’t know?”

  “I haven’t talked to her yet today. I assume she’s good.”

  “You suck at being a boyfriend.”

  Bristling at the criticism, I said, “Then it’s a good thing I’m not anyone’s boyfriend now, isn’t it?”

  “Deny, deny, deny,” he said in a singsong voice, and I wasn’t sure why, but it bothered the hell out of me and made me uncomfortable.

  “Go away.” I shoved his ass off my desk, but he stubbornly stood there, refusing to leave.

  “No.”

  I groaned. “What do you want?”

  “I want to hear about your weekend,” he insisted, raising his eyebrows. “The details.”

  I wasn’t sure how I felt or how in depth I wanted to get, so I kept it vague. “We had a great time. That’s all, Luc.”

  He raised his hands in the air in surrender. “Okay. You don’t want to talk about it. I’ll let it slide, for now. But . . .” He tilted his head, giving me an expectant look.

  “But what?”

  “Where are my presents?”

  I bit back a smile. “What am I, your dad?”

  “Don’t act like you didn’t bring me back something. We always bring each other gifts. You might be a shitty boyfriend to Jules,” he said with a smug grin, “but you’re a great one to me.”

  Resisting the urge to punch him, I opened one of my drawers and pulled out the bag from the souvenir shop. “Here,” I said as I tossed it to him.

  “I knew it!” He dug in like a kid at Christmas, pulling out each item before oohing and aahing over it. “Thank you.”

  “You’re welcome, you big baby. Now get the hell out of my cube.”

  • • •

  When Jules called me later that night, my heart leaped into my throat at the sound of her voice.

  At the risk of sounding girly, I admitted, “I hate only being able to talk on the phone with you after just being with you.”

  “I was just thinking the exact same thing. It’s so much better seeing you face-to-face,” she said, and her words made me smile.

  “How was work?”

  “Good. The deal went through and they got the house, so everyone’s happy.”

  She sounded so pleased, it simultaneously made me happy for her
and upset on her behalf. I was glad the deal went through, but still upset that she had to share her commission after doing the majority of the work for weeks.

  “Wait! Did you talk to Ron and Tabbie today?” she asked.

  “I did.”

  “And? Don’t leave me hanging. What happened?”

  “They signed with me for a year.”

  “That’s so awesome! Congratulations. That’s huge. I’m so happy for you.”

  “Thanks, Jules. And thank you for the introductions. I couldn’t have done it without you.”

  “I didn’t do anything but introduce you. You did the work of convincing them you’re trustworthy. I’m really excited for you,” she said, and I could tell that she meant it.

  “Thanks, babe.”

  “I miss you,” she said, the sadness in her voice stabbing at my heart.

  “I miss you too.”

  Whatever we were to each other hung in the phone line between us, begging to be defined. I refused to acknowledge it, and I prayed to God that Jules wouldn’t ask me to. I simply wasn’t ready to go there, no matter how strong my feelings for her were. That fight silently raging inside me had primed a battlefield for war.

  We ended the conversation like we always had in the past, and I forced myself to go to sleep instead of overthinking it like I tended to do.

  • • •

  The rest of the week flew by pretty much the same way. I’d set up five more calls with Hollywood’s royalty, signing two of them after a detailed conversation. This new clientele fired me up more than usual, and I found myself wanting to work even harder and more effectively. I’d always taken pride in my work, but something about this was different, maybe because they were celebrities and had ridiculous amounts of money. I wasn’t quite sure, but I knew that I wanted to impress them. I wanted to make a difference and be their go-to guy.

  If I’d thought I couldn’t stop thinking about Jules before I’d flown out to see her, I was seriously delusional. Because this was something else entirely. I thought I’d made the right choice by going to see her, but now I wasn’t so sure. I was a fucking mess when it came to her. I’d turned into the kind of guy who couldn’t get through the day without wanting to book another flight back to see her, which was no good for anyone, least of all for a workaholic like me.

  Seeing her for two and a half days hadn’t been enough. Would any length of time ever be? Missing her physically hurt, and I didn’t have time or room in my life for that kind of pain. I needed to focus, but all I saw was her. Jules’s face was everywhere, and I was losing my damn mind over it.

  For most people that would have been a good thing, but not for someone like me. She consumed my every waking thought even more than she had before my trip, and I couldn’t have that.

  It wasn’t like there was a future between us, so what the hell were we even doing? I’d believed that with her living all the way across the country, I’d be able to maintain some sort of balance. But I was so wrong. Distance had absolutely nothing to do with how I felt when it came to her. No matter where I was, I missed her.

  I didn’t want to, didn’t want to miss anyone. That longing made me feel weak and vulnerable. I’d seen men walk away from work for their families, and I had never wanted to be one of them.

  The fact that she’d let a coworker take over her clients while I was there gutted me. I hated to admit it, but that bothered me more than I’d let on. As much as I wanted to get over it and be nonchalant about it like she’d been, I couldn’t. That little nugget stuck in my brain, reminding me at every turn what she’d walked away from for me.

  Unable to let it go, I picked up the phone and punched Lucas’s extension. “Luc, can I ask you something?”

  “Of course,” he said, and I could see the top of his blond head from my cubicle.

  “Should I be freaked out that Jules handed her clients off for the weekend to another agent?”

  “You mean, when you were there?”

  “Yeah.”

  “No. Why would that freak you out? You were in town for two days, man. Of course she’d hand her clients off.”

  Lucas’s reaction was nonchalant, as if her actions made perfect sense. And if they did, why couldn’t I get past them?

  “That’s just it, Luc. I don’t want her doing shit like that for me. What if she expects me to do that for her?”

  I tried to imagine putting my work after Jules, and I couldn’t. If I had a client with a last-minute request, or who called me freaking out about a purchase, I’d explain to Jules that I needed to handle it and she’d have to deal with it. Always. I could never imagine my clients not taking priority in my life.

  Lucas took on a patient tone. “She doesn’t expect you to do anything. And she made a choice. That was her decision. It was one client. I’m sure she has a ton of others.”

  “But if she could give that one up so easily, what does it mean for the rest? I’m no good for her. This is no good for her.” I kicked at the leg of my desk, frustrated with how this was eating at me.

  “I really think you’re reading too much into this.”

  “That’s what Jules said too.”

  “Then why don’t you just believe her?”

  “Because it made me nervous,” I said, but that was only half true. The reality was that it had scared me shitless listening to her conversation that morning.

  He groaned, and I saw him lean back in his chair and cup his free hand behind his neck. “I know what you’re doing. Don’t sabotage this, Cal. I’ve never seen you this happy.”

  “I’m not sabotaging anything. I’m looking at things realistically, which is more than I can say for you.”

  “Me? This isn’t my relationship.”

  “Yeah, but you’re acting like it’s totally normal, and we’ll live happily ever after at some point.”

  “Why can’t you?” he asked, and I wanted to hit him over the head with something hard.

  “Because we don’t live in the same state!” I growled out, then lowered my voice, trying to maintain the composure that I was slowly losing. “And we never will. It’s the same issues that have been there since day one. Nothing’s changed.”

  “Except your feelings,” Luc pointed out, and I bristled.

  “Those don’t matter. It’s not about that.”

  “Why not? You’re not a robot. I know you have a heart in that chest of yours somewhere.”

  “I’m just saying that regardless of how I feel about Jules, nothing changes the facts of our situation. It’s pretty black and white. She’s there and I’m here. That’s never changing, so our feelings don’t do anything except make this situation worse. It’s wrong to keep this up. We’re not being rational.”

  Lucas’s other line rang. “I have to take that. I’m not done talking about this with you. Don’t do anything stupid,” he warned before hanging up.

  I definitely hadn’t thought this whole thing with Jules through properly. I didn’t even weigh the consequences of what my going out there might do. For once in my life, I’d been impulsive, and I was all messed up over it.

  I had to stop this. My focus needed to be trained on one thing and one thing only, and hers needed to be as well. Our situation wasn’t good for either of us—surely she had to know that too.

  Lucas walked past my desk and signaled for me to follow him. Sighing, I got up and trudged after him.

  “Tell me what the problem is again,” he asked once we were alone in a conference room.

  “We’re living in a damn fairy tale. This isn’t some movie where things work out in the end. I’m not moving to California and she’s not moving here, so what the hell are we even doing?” I started pacing, chewing on my thumb.

  “Why can’t you just enjoy each other and see where it goes?”

  “Because I can’t stop thinking about her. She’s all fucking consuming.”

  “That’s not a bad thing, man,” he said, and then sucked in a little gasp. “You’re falling in love with her
.”

  “Shut up.”

  “You are.”

  “I’m not,” I argued, even though I damn well was, and that was the biggest problem of all. I couldn’t be in love with someone I had no future with. That was beyond idiotic, and I’d always prided myself on being smarter than that.

  Lucas rolled his eyes. “Okay, let’s pretend that you’re not. Didn’t you have a good time when you were there?”

  Memories of our night in Hollywood and spending time at her apartment flashed through my mind. I hadn’t just had a good time with her; I’d had the best time.

  “It was almost perfect.”

  “Then don’t throw it away because you don’t have it all mapped out.”

  “It’s not about mapping it out, Lucas. You’re not listening to me.” Damn if I’d let him turn this into some Hallmark movie with a happy ending. “I’m trying to be realistic, and what we’re doing isn’t. There’s no future with us. The longer we drag this out, the worse it will be for both of us.”

  Lucas crossed his arms over his chest and gave me a pointed look. “I think it’s a little late for that, don’t you? If you’re this torn up about things, how the hell do you think she feels?”

  His words hit me like a sledgehammer to the gut as all the air escaped me. “That’s what I’m talking about, though. Stopping it before it goes any further is the best thing for both of us. I’m not just thinking about me here. I’m thinking about Jules as well.”

  “I’m not sure she’ll agree with your assessment,” he said as he blew out a breath. “Matter of fact, I bet she fights you on it and convinces you not to end things.”

  “By what rational reasoning? Seriously, Luc, what argument could she possibly make?”

  He shrugged. “I don’t know. She’ll probably say that she can come back out here next, and you guys can see each other once a month or so. That’s what I would say.”

  My temper rising, I practically snarled at him. “Until when? We’ll do that for how long? To what end?”

  Everything Lucas said, I’d already thought about. It still led to the same ending. No matter how many times Jules and I saw each other, the fact remained that neither of us was ever going to move. Not when we had these careers that we’d worked so hard for. None of what we were doing made any logical sense.