Dear Heart, I Hate You

by J. Sterling

  “How? How can you promise me that? You can’t promise something like that!”

  What bullshit. That promise was nothing but a bunch of pretty words. Even if he meant them when he said them, no one could make a vow of that magnitude.

  “I can, because I know what it’s like to try to live without you, to try to pretend that I don’t need you. You make me a better man, Jules. I’m better when I’m with you.”

  “But nothing’s changed; we still live in different states. I don’t plan on moving, and I’m sure you don’t either. Why come here if nothing about our temporary situation has improved?” I asked, unable to hide my bitterness.

  “Because I don’t think we’re temporary anymore. Look, Jules, I’m not sure what the future holds for us, or what the hell we’ll do about it, but all I know is that I want one with you. My life’s not the same when you’re not a part of it. Trust me, I tried. It didn’t work out so well.”

  “I don’t know.” I tore my gaze away from him and hugged myself, trying to keep a hold on my emotions.

  This was exactly what I had longed for. I’d wanted Cal to come back to me more than anything, but now that he was here, wearing his heart on his sleeve, I was terrified to trust him again. He’d not only crushed my heart when he walked away, he’d done it so easily.

  “I know you don’t trust me,” he said, his expression earnest. “I know you don’t think you can. I’ll show you. I’ll prove it to you.”

  I studied his expressions and gauged his tone of voice, wanting to forgive him, to believe him, but I refused to be naive. I couldn’t be stupid with my heart again. I wasn’t sure I’d survive another blow from him.

  Shaking my head, I said, “I don’t know how to get past this. It might seem stupid to you, but what you did to me was heart altering. You threw me off balance. You let me fall off a cliff and you weren’t there to catch me. You left me alone when all I wanted was for you to be there.”

  “I know.” He winced. “I know I ruined things, Jules. I acted like a complete idiot. You have no idea how badly I wish I could take it all back.”

  “But you can’t,” I snapped.

  “No, I can’t. But I want to. I would give anything to rewind time and do it all over again.”

  “Yeah? What would you do differently?”

  “I wouldn’t leave you. I’d talk to you when I got nervous instead of becoming a stubborn, bullheaded pig. But mostly, I’d never let you get away from me. And I’d do whatever it took to make this work.”

  God, could I ever relate to the talking part. There had been things that I was nervous about that I’d never addressed with him. I’d kept those questions inside, locked away, afraid of the answer. I’d been cowardly too. The only difference between us was that I hadn’t run away.

  My eyes pricked with the beginnings of tears I didn’t want him to see. Turning my head, I swiped at my eyes quickly and willed them to stay dry. I needed all my strength in these moments with him.

  “I have to go, Cal. I appreciate that you’re here, truly.” I grabbed the roses and the pie from the hood and took a step away. “But I have a lot to think about.”

  “Can we just start over, please? Let me take you out on dates. We can get to know each other again. I’ll come out here every weekend. I’ll do whatever you want me to. Just tell me what you need from me, Jules. Please tell me what I can do to fix this.”

  My arms full, I tried to shrug. “I honestly don’t know. I don’t know how to fix this.”

  Cal started to say something else, his mouth opening before he snapped it shut. As I walked up the stairs and away from him, he didn’t try to stop me or ask me to stay.

  When he shouted, “I miss my teammate,” I almost tripped over my heart as it fell from my chest. I hesitated for only a second, my steps faltering before I continued through my front door and closed it between us.

  Leaning against it for a moment, breathing hard, I had two questions on my mind.

  How could Cal erase the space he’d so willingly created between us?

  And did I want him to?

  Win Her Back

  Cal

  This wasn’t going to be easy. Not that I’d expected Jules to go easy on me, but I had hoped she would be a little more willing or easier to sway.

  Leave it to me to think that way. I had to put myself in her shoes. She wasn’t the type to give away her heart, but she had so quickly opened up and given it to me.

  And what had I done with it? I was careless and thoughtless. Instead of treating her like the absolute gift from heaven she was, I treated her as if she were replaceable, someone I could easily get over and never speak to again. It was an immature move on my part, among other things.

  How could I take that back? Why wasn’t time travel a real thing yet, so I could stop myself from being a complete and utter idiot?

  I scrawled out a quick note, telling Jules I wasn’t giving up and that I’d be back for her later, and slipped it under her windshield wiper. She’d probably throw it in the trash.

  I didn’t want to leave, but Malibu was lacking on the hotel front, and I had early morning meetings scheduled in the Hollywood area tomorrow. Even still, I’d have camped out on Jules’s stairs all night long if that was what it took for her to forgive me.

  It was probably better that I gave her some space, even though it was the last thing I wanted to do. The possessive caveman in me wanted to crowd her, make sure there was no space where I didn’t exist to her, but she’d probably knee me in the balls. Figuratively and literally.

  So I begrudgingly drove away in my rental car with no idea where I was going. All I knew was that according to my GPS, Hollywood was much farther away than I remembered.

  • • •

  My meetings and appointments the next day ended up taking longer than I had anticipated, and I was running late. Not to mention, the Los Angeles traffic was something I could never have prepared for. And the rain seemed to make it all worse. Yes, apparently it did actually rain in Southern California, and everyone who said otherwise was a liar.

  Things had gone well today, and even though I was being a bit presumptuous in what I’d accomplished, I didn’t care. I was convinced that I had made the right decision, and I’d wait however long it took for Jules to feel the same way. I wasn’t going anywhere ever again, and she needed to know that.

  By the time I reached Malibu that night, it was well past seven. I considered giving her an extra day to think over everything, but I couldn’t do it. Staying away from her was the exact opposite of my intentions.

  I punched in the code at the gate, which I’d memorized from my first visit here, and pulled inside the complex. I breathed out in relief at the sight of her car. Thankful she was home, I parked my car and hopped out. As I took the steps two at a time up to her door, I knocked on it before I froze at the realization that she might not be alone.

  I hadn’t even asked if she was seeing anyone, had I? Discomfort surged through me as I realized I couldn’t remember. Shit. This was the one time in my life I hadn’t thought through every single detail, and I swore it might kill me. With no other choice at this point, I held my breath and waited for her to answer.

  When I heard the sound of her walking across the floor, I started breathing again. The door creaked as she leaned against it before she barely pulled it open. She must have checked to see who was there through the peephole.

  “I thought you’d gone back home,” she said, her tone cool.

  She had to know better than that. “I told you I wasn’t leaving.”

  “You’ve said a lot of things.” Her long blond hair fell in front of her eyes, and I had to fight my instincts to run my fingers through it.

  “Can I come in?” When she hesitated, staring at me, I said, “Please?”

  She closed her eyes briefly before pulling the door open all the way and stepping back to let me in. I looked around at her place, thankful to be a part of it again, even if it was only for the moment.
r />   I headed toward the couch in her living room, hoping she wouldn’t argue. “Can I sit?”

  She nodded instead of speaking, making me wonder what was going on in that pretty head of hers.

  “Have you thought about what I said last night?”

  Her green eyes met mine and locked on. I figured she’d look away, but she didn’t. Pulling out one of her bar stools, she sat down, her gaze still focused on mine.

  “It’s all I’ve been able to think about.” Even when she hated me, she couldn’t stop being emotionally honest with her thoughts.

  “And?”

  “And I still don’t know what to do.”

  She was stubborn, maybe even more so than I had been. I didn’t blame her for it; it was just killing me to sit there and accept it.

  “How do you feel?” I asked, emphasizing the emotion in our situation. “What does your heart say? Right now, in this moment, what is your heart telling you to do?”

  Yes, I was pushing her, but I had to. I needed to break through.

  “My heart’s on a time-out,” she answered, her tone indifferent, but I knew better.

  “A time-out?” I chuckled at her response.

  “Yeah. It can’t be trusted when it comes to you.”

  I bit back a smile at that. Jules still had feelings for me, whether she said it out loud or not. It was a small victory and I’d take it, but it wasn’t enough. Not yet.

  “Do you know what my heart says?”

  She fidgeted, crossing and uncrossing her legs. “How could I possibly know that?”

  Pushing up from the couch, I started pacing back and forth, trying my damnedest to put my feelings into words.

  Without thinking, I blurted, “I love you, Jules.” Hell, I hadn’t planned on telling her like that. At least not yet. “I’m in love with you.” Jesus, I couldn’t stop myself.

  Instead of the smile that I half expected to cover her face, I was met with a scowl. I’d told the girl I loved her, and she was sitting there scowling at me. Could I do nothing right when it came to her?

  “Your words. They were always pretty, but your actions were ugly. I don’t know how to believe that you mean the things you say to me. And I want to, Cal, I do want to believe you. I just don’t know how.”

  “I know you don’t. I can’t imagine how I must have made you feel.”

  “Like a fool. I felt like a fool.”

  I took a tentative step toward her, her response like a stab to my gut. “Why?” I asked, absolutely hating her answer and that I was the one who made her feel that way.

  “Because I felt stupid for believing you. At some point, I figured everything you said must have all been lies. I thought I was smarter than that, that I’d be able to see through someone’s bullshit. And when I hadn’t seen through yours, I felt like a total idiot.”

  The knife twisted in my gut. “I meant everything I said to you. There was so much more I stopped myself from telling you because I was scared of what it all meant. You couldn’t see through my words because there was nothing to see through.”

  She swallowed hard, her eyes searching mine for the truth before her expression softened. “I want to believe you.”

  “And I want you to.” The tightness in my chest loosened. “I want to show you something. Would you come for a drive with me?”

  Emotions flitted over her face, a mixture of surprise and confusion. “Can you give me a few minutes, and I’ll meet you downstairs?”

  She was kicking me out. I wanted to argue but knew that I couldn’t. I had to pick my battles, and this wasn’t one worth fighting about.

  “Take all the time you need,” I said, hoping like hell she wouldn’t leave me out there in the rain all alone.

  Second Chances

  Jules

  When Cal closed the door behind him, I wrapped my arms around myself, trying to keep from falling apart.

  Holy hell, he’d just told me he loved me. I’d wanted nothing more than to jump into his arms, but I stayed strong. I had no idea how the hell I’d done it, but I had. Surely, I deserved some kind of award for bravery. Or maybe it was stupidity?

  As much as I tried to pretend that I was protecting my heart from being broken again, there was a large part of me that knew my pride was also to blame. It wanted to teach Cal a lesson, to punish him relentlessly because it could. That was almost as immature as his leaving had been.

  I grabbed my phone and dialed Tami’s number. Apparently, running every romantic decision by my best friend was my new MO these days.

  “What’s the latest?” she asked.

  “He showed up here again.”

  “Of course he did,” she said, as if I was being dense.

  In a small voice, I said, “He said he wants to take me somewhere and show me something.”

  “What the hell could he possibly want to show you?”

  “I have no idea.”

  “Did you ask him why he was here during the middle of the week?”

  I slapped my forehead. “No! I keep forgetting. He’s distracting.”

  She laughed. “I bet he’s distracting.”

  “Be helpful. Please.”

  “I am helpful,” she said, her tone so pouty, I could visualize that lower lip sticking out.

  “He told me he loved me,” I whispered.

  “He what?”

  “You heard me.”

  “Ah hell, he doesn’t fight fair. What did you say?”

  I racked my brain, trying to remember. What the hell had I said when my heart started pounding so loudly, I couldn’t hear anything else?

  “I told him I didn’t believe his words.”

  Tami laughed again. “Damn. The guy spills his heart on your floor, and you step on it with the heel of your Louboutins.”

  “I don’t own Louboutins.”

  “Missing the point.”

  “I know.” I groaned. “Am I stupid for wanting to give him another chance?”

  “Normally, I’d say yes. But in this case, I’m telling you no. You’re not stupid. Look, I like Cal. I don’t like what he did to you, and I’ll never forget that he did it. But I really do think he’s sorry. Seriously, Jules, he’s not my boyfriend, and I want to take him back.”

  I chewed on my lip as I agonized over what to do. I didn’t want to make a mistake, didn’t want to make the wrong decision. But most of all, I didn’t want to get hurt again.

  “I’m scared,” I admitted.

  “Of what?”

  “That he’ll hurt me again.”

  Tami sighed. “That’s always the risk when it comes to love, but we do it anyway. Remember when you told me that you were going to get hurt? You said to remind you that you were going to get hurt when it came to Cal, but that you were going for it anyway. I remember thinking how brave you were, and how I’d never been that brave in love.”

  “Brave? Really?”

  I hadn’t considered my actions brave. If anything, I’d thought I was foolish and had beaten myself up for acting so irrationally. But maybe Tami had a point.

  “Yes,” she said firmly. “Especially coming from you, my little workaholic. You knew the potential was there for things to end badly, but you wanted him more. He was worth the risk.”

  She was right. I had always known that I could end up brokenhearted, but I hadn’t cared then. And I was pretty sure I didn’t care now. Cal was here, and I supposed that I owed it to myself to see what he had to show me.

  “Thanks, Tam. I gotta go. I’ll call you later.”

  “I’ll be dying to hear what he wanted to show you. I hope it’s not his penis, because you’ve already seen that,” she called out, laughing hysterically as I ended the call.

  My heart racing, I locked the door behind me and gripped my purse as I headed down the stairs.

  Cal leaned against a black SUV at the curb, looking ridiculously hot. I hadn’t paid attention until now, but he was dressed as if he’d just come from the office. He’d taken it a little more casual after hours
, his dark blue dress shirt unbuttoned at the collar and untucked from a pair of black slacks.

  When I reached the sidewalk, he jogged over and held his jacket above my head to shield me from the rain.

  “Thank you,” I said as he opened my car door for me and helped me inside.

  Damn his chivalry.

  “You’re welcome.” He shut my door and sprinted over to the driver’s side before hopping in. “It might take a little while to get there. I hope that’s okay.”

  I studied Cal for second and realized he seemed nervous, or maybe defeated. I wasn’t sure.

  “I don’t have any plans.” I tried to soften my tone, but it still came out somewhat guarded.

  When he pulled out of my complex and headed toward Santa Monica, I frowned, a little unnerved that I had no idea where we were going. Trying to be patient, I stared out my window, amazed at how surreal this all seemed.

  It seemed so weird to be sitting in a car with him and not have his hand on my thigh. I had almost forgotten how he used to do that, but now that I was sitting next to him, it all came crashing back how natural it always felt to be with him. How easy things between us always were.

  When the silence began to drive me crazy, I said, “Can I ask you something?”

  He shot me a quick glance. “You can ask me anything.”

  “How are you here in the middle of the week? You didn’t get fired, did you?”

  He choked on a laugh. “Fired? No. Why would you think that?”

  “To be honest, I’m surprised to see you at all, but I’m even more surprised to see you during the work week. I didn’t peg you for the type of guy who took days off to apologize to women.”

  He grinned. “I’m not.”

  “So you’re not going to tell me?”

  My annoyance faded for a second as I stared at Cal’s profile. It was sexy. Those stupid lips were still as full and gorgeous as ever. I missed looking at his face, and I hated how much I missed those lips.