“Hello?” Samantha answered rushed.
“Sam? Everything okay?” Parker sounded slightly panicked, like she often did these days.
Sam smiled. “Just the person I wanted to talk to! I was just on my way to your place. Do you want to meet somewhere for coffee?” Sam thrilled at just saying those words to her friend. She never thought she would have the joy of meeting Parker anywhere other than Parker’s house again. She knew she had Dylan to thank for that, and she made a mental note to do just that.
Parker was curious as to what her friend was up to and agreed to meet her in forty-five minutes at the coffee shop near her house. Parker was never a fan of coffee herself, not like Grace and Sam were. She remembered how she had once teased her wife and her best friend that they would be unable to function as humans if coffee were to ever become obsolete. Parker smiled sadly. It seemed the days of the three of them laughing and joking existed in a different lifetime. Then she remembered more recent times. In the summer, sitting in her backyard with Dylan and Samantha laughing and enjoying the weather and each other. It never occurred to her how familiar the scene had been until now. She knew that in those moments, she felt no fear, no guilt, no dark creature rearing its ugly head—only laughter and friendship and love. That's what she remembered now. No fear, no what if's, just peace. It was such an unfamiliar feeling to have a memory bring her warmth and happiness instead of leaving her cold and devastated. “Things have changed,” Parker thought as she allowed the memory to envelop her like a warm hug. She smiled and hurried to meet Sam.
Dylan felt defeated. She had finally forced herself to come to the conclusion that Parker was just not ready—not for a relationship, for love, not for her. The realization broke her heart. She loved Parker. She wanted to be with Parker. Above all else, she wanted Parker to be happy. Dylan didn't think that remaining in this situation, staying in Parker’s home was achieving that goal. It was time to move on and move out. She would always be there for Parker, whenever Parker needed a friend, but a friend was all Parker seemed to need or want. Dylan wanted so much more. She knew moving out of Parker's home was the best thing for them both, and she was afraid the longer she stayed, the more difficult it would be to leave. She made a quick call to Cory. She needed support if she was going to make this move. She dreaded returning to her cold apartment. Maybe Cory could ease her anxiety. With that done, Dylan wiped her teary eyes on the sleeve of her shirt, straightened her back and went upstairs to pack her things.
Parker was running late. Although she had been doing much better with being out in public and a part of the world again, she still felt the ribbons of anxiety curl in her stomach on occasion. Today was one of those occasions. The weather was due to turn bad soon and that made the streets and shops all the more crowded. Dylan usually with accompanied her on outings, and Parker had only been on her own a few times before this. She sighed thinking of Dylan and the distance between them recently—the distance she knew she was causing. She felt so confused and vulnerable. She took a deep breath and was immeasurably relieved to see Sam standing outside the coffee shop waiting for her and waving.
“My God, Parker! I can’t tell you how happy it makes me to see you out.” Sam grabbed Parker in a fierce hug, tears in her eyes. “I never thought I would see…” Sam just shook her head as emotion clogged her throat before she could say anything more.
“It's okay, Sammy.” Parker patted her best friend’s cheek.
The gesture tugged further at Sam's emotion.
“I'm not all the way there yet. I still freak out from time to time and the anxiety is pretty much a constant partner on these outings, but I'm getting there. Slowly but surely, I'm getting there,” Parker said.
Sam shook her head, a smile splitting her face. She grabbed Parker in another hug. “Yes, you are my friend. I'm so incredibly proud of you. Where's Dylan? I wanted to thank her for her part in all of this too!”
At the mention of Dylan, Parker looked down at her shoes.
“Parker? Are you ok? Is something wrong?”
Parker forced a smile back onto her face and looked up at Sam. “No, everything's fine. Really, I'm ok.”
Sam looked at her friend skeptically as she led her inside and out of the cold. They found a table close to the window so they could watch the people pass by. Sam ordered a latte and Parker decided to go with hot chocolate. There was something about that chocolaty drink that Parker found comforting, and she thought she could use a shot of comfort about now. They caught up on each other’s lives while they waited for their order. Once the waitress had deposited their drinks and had left, Sam looked into Parker's eyes.
“Now are you going to tell me what's wrong? And don't say nothing, I know you too well, Parker,” Sam said. Parker looked down at her lap and Sam grabbed her hand. “Whatever it is, you can tell me. You know that.”
“I do know that,” Parker replied linking her fingers with Sam’s. “It's just, I'm not entirely sure myself. Dylan and I, well, there is space between us lately that was never there before. I know I am the one backing away, and I don't want to hurt her, but I'm so confused and well, scared.
Sam nodded silently, figuring that Dylan somehow played into Parker's mood. She squeezed Parker's hand and silently encouraged her to go on.
“I care for her, Sam. I do. She told me that she loves me.”
At that Sam smiled. “Do you love her?”
Parker shook her head, not in a no gesture but to clear it. “It's not that easy. What if I fall in love with her and she leaves me? What if she is hit by a car, or falls and breaks her neck on the ice, what if some maniac takes her from me with a single shot?” Tears flowed freely down Parker's cheeks. “I just don't know if I can risk going through that again, Sam.”
Sam nodded in understanding. She did understand, and she knew Parker well enough to know that these what ifs were eating her alive. “What if,” Sam began, and Parker just rolled her eyes. “What if she doesn't leave you? What if you live happily ever after? What if this is your second chance at life, Parker? We can go on all day with the what ifs and wow comes but none of that matters. Not really, not in the big scheme of things. The real question, Parker, is do you love her?”
Parker sat up straight and took back her hand. Her brow furrowed and she began to speak.
Sam put two fingers over her mouth before she could utter a word. “No more what ifs, Parker. Sometimes, it really is that easy. Do you love her?”
Parker closed her eyes and the last of her tears made their way down her cheeks. She looked up again at her friend and saw nothing but love and support in Sam's eyes. “Yes,” she whispered, almost to herself but loud enough so that Sam could hear. “Yes, I do love her.”
Sam got up and came around to Parker's side of the table. She enveloped her friend in a hug. “Then that's all that matters, Parker. In the end, that's all that ever matters.”
Parker smiled ear to ear and grabbed her bag and started running for the door. “Oh, shoot,” she said stopping abruptly and reaching in her purse for some bills.
“GO!” Sam shouted through some laughter. “Go get your girl!”
Parker smiled again. “My girl, yeah, ok I'm going. thank you! Love you!” she called over her shoulder as she barreled through the door.
Sam shook her head in amusement and took the check to the register to pay. “Love you too, Parks. Go get your happiness.” She whispered with a grin.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
Dylan had just put the last piece of her clothing into her duffel bag that lay on top of the bed. Her chest ached physically as she thought about not seeing Parker every day. Was she doing the right thing here? She felt so conflicted and her stomach was in knots. The answer was simple; she didn't know if this was what she should be doing. She didn't know if leaving was what would be best for Parker, but she didn't know what else to do. She figured that a little space may be what they both needed to contend with all the emotions they both had—especially Parker. She didn't want to
push Parker into anything or put more strain on her life, not now with the parole hearing coming up in a few days. She also admitted to herself that she couldn't go day to day any longer feeling like her heart was breaking in two. She knew what she wanted, what she needed. The one thing she didn't know was if Parker felt the same way. She would give anything, sacrifice everything for Parker's love, but she couldn't face another relationship where the other person wasn't sure of her feelings. She had been down that road more than once and it always ended the same way for Dylan. She couldn't do it again—to either of them. With a sigh, she grabbed her packed bag off of the bed and walked to the door. With her hand on the light switch she allowed a single tear to escape her eye. “I'll be here, Parker,” she whispered to the empty room and shut off the light.
Parker threw her car in park far too quickly and she jerked to a stop in her driveway. She had barely grabbed the keys out of the ignition, and she was running for the front door. After a frustrating moment of trying to get her hands to stop shaking long enough to get the key in the lock and opened the door, she slammed her keys on the table behind it and immediately started calling for Dylan. Parker was more than a little surprised and worried when she received no answer back. The house felt different, emptier. Parker took a deep breath trying to settle the multitude of butterflies in her stomach and climbed the stairs slowly. No longer out of breath, she now felt a chill run up the length of her spine. Part of her knew instinctively that the house was empty. Dylan was gone. She still went through the motions, checking every room, calling Dylan's name. When she came to Dylan's door she saw that it was ajar, and the room was dark. She hesitated to open it all the way. She didn't want to see the empty room, the neatly made bed. She opened the door slowly and said in a low voice. “Dylan? Please.”
The room was empty, and Parker felt as if all of the air had been sucked out of her lungs. She sat on the bed. It felt cold. The whole room felt like ice. She had no idea until that moment how much warmth and life Dylan had brought to her home. Her hand felt the edge of a piece of paper that had slipped off of the pillow. She looked at it, not wanting to read the words that lay inside. She closed her eyes as she held the note to her chest. She strained to try to detect Dylan's scent anywhere in the room. A hint of spring rain wafted to her nose and she smiled, keeping her eyes tightly closed. Dylan. She stayed like that for a few minutes and then rose to her feet. The shakiness in her legs that followed had nothing to do with her injury. She left the room as she had found it, closed the door and carried the note into her bedroom. She sat at her desk and slowly unfolded the page. Dylan's small neat script stared back at her, and with a heavy heart, she began to read:
Dearest Parker,
I'm sorry to be such a coward as to leave without a word and just a note. I didn't think my heart could handle an actual goodbye right now. I have decided to go back home for awhile and give you some space. I think you need it, and maybe I do too. I care so much for you, Parker. I never ever want to do anything that brings your heart pain. Please know that I will always be here for you. I will be at the parole hearing in a few days to lend whatever silent support I can. In the meantime, maybe we should both just take a breath and a moment to think and to breathe. I do love you, Parker. Please know that.
Yours,
Dylan
Parker refolded the note neatly and set it on her desk. She let her head fall into her hands and wept quietly. She looked up, eyes closed and tears falling freely. “Grace, what have I done?” She opened her eyes and her vision tracked to her wedding picture. She traced Grace's smiling face with her eyes. “Oh, baby, I will always love you, always.” With that she looked down at her left hand and for the first time since that day in the picture, she removed her wedding band and placed it gently into her jewelry box. “I love you too, Dylan. Please come home.” Parker laid down on her bed in a fetal position and fell into a fitful but deep sleep.
***
Dylan finished putting her things away in her apartment. The place felt cold to her and she knew it had nothing to do with the temperature. She looked around at the place. This place used to feel like a sanctuary to her. A thin film of dust covered pretty much everything. Dylan sighed. She missed Parker already. She wondered if Parker had gotten her note yet and if she was angry at Dylan for leaving without saying goodbye. She hoped not. She prayed that Parker understood how hard it had been for her to leave. Besides, it wasn't goodbye, not really anyway. Right? She would see Parker at the hearing in a couple days. Maybe they could talk then. In the meantime, Dylan knew she needed to make some important decisions about her life. There were more things to consider than her relationship with Parker and where that might lead. Dylan needed to think about her career as well. She knew she still wanted to take care of people and help them heal, but could she handle the continued stress of being an emergency room nurse? She wasn't sure yet. She missed her friends and the camaraderie they shared. She thought that maybe she had had taken enough of a break from the emergency department that she could go back with a fresh perspective on things. She would think about it over the next week or so before she made any decisions. That is if she could ever get her mind off of Parker long enough to do so. “Maybe a nap,” she said out loud, chuckling to herself. She laid down on the sofa, pulled an afghan over herself and closed her eyes, thinking of Parker.
***
It had been two days since Dylan had left the house and Parker felt like she was losing her mind. She had dialed Dylan's number a multitude of times only to hang up before pressing send. Dylan had asked for space. She had said she thought they both needed it, and maybe Dylan was right. Parker felt incredibly frustrated that when she had finally admitted her feelings for Dylan, it was too late. She missed Dylan. She missed Dylan so much there was a physical ache in her chest that she couldn't get rid of. She wanted to fall into Dylan’s arms and be held by her, kept safe by her. She clenched and unclenched her fists and took a deep calming breath. She needed to view this time as a gift instead of a punishment. If she ever wanted to have a true relationship with Dylan, Parker knew there were some things she needed to work on herself. She couldn't depend on Dylan, or anyone else to protect her from the things that frightened her any longer. She needed to stand on her own two feet and face her demons. She realized now that she had failed to face her demons long before Grace had died. It was time to take control of her life again. She decided the first step would be to leave the house—alone. She hadn't done that yet. She had gone out with Dylan, and sometimes with Sam but she hadn't ventured outside of her self-proclaimed nest on without anyone to meet or anyone to accompany her. She grabbed her parka and headed for the door. She felt at once determined and terrified. She faltered momentarily with her hand on the door knob. What if she couldn't do it? What if she had an anxiety attack and there was no one with her to talk her down? “What if? What if? What if?” she said out loud in frustration. “Anything could happen, and anything might,” she told herself in a stern voice. “It's time you found your own voice and started living again.” With that, she turned the knob and exited her house before she could talk herself out of it.
Parker stepped out onto the street. Everything seemed too loud and too bright and it all threatened to overwhelm her. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She tried to concentrate on one sound at a time, separating them and identifying them so they didn't all jumble together in her brain. There—a car on the next street over. A bird somewhere above her in song. The scurrying of an animal—a cat maybe. Parker smiled as a calm settled over her. She could do this. She was doing this! There was nothing out here that could harm her if she didn't let it. This was the world, the living breathing world that she had been absent from for far too long. She took another couple of deep breaths and enjoyed the smell of the earth and how the chilled air seemed to invigorate her. She opened her eyes and saw the world as she had once, before violence touched her life. It was a place of wonder and life. The world begged to be explored and revered again.
She didn't need Dylan here to shelter her or protect her. She wanted Dylan to share all that life offered with her. Parker took off in a light jog down the street, feeling freer than she had in years.
***
Dylan had made some decisions. She would return to the emergency room to work. She realized that she actually missed the hectic pace and the adrenaline rush that came with dealing with life and death emergencies. She knew there would still be heartbreak and loss, but she also knew there would be times of triumph that would get her through. She felt differently about her job and her life now. She thanked Parker for that. Opening herself up to loving someone, to loving Parker had freed her in a lot of ways. There were no guarantees in life. There would be pain and joy, and not always in equal measurements. There were lessons to be learned, some of them harsh, random acts of kindness and violence alike, but you couldn't give up on life—not any of it—not ever. She thought about the strength she saw in Parker that she admired. The horrible things that Parker had been through had almost rendered her lost to the world—almost. Parker was an inspiration to Dylan in ways that she couldn't even verbalize. Parker was strong and beautiful and kind, and she didn't let even the most devastating of losses beat her completely. Dylan couldn't imagine the strength it would take both Parker and Grace's mother in a few days to stand in the same room and face the monster that had so devastated and changed their lives. But they would do it with dignity and honor for Grace. If they could do that, Dylan thought, she could face whatever battles lay before her. She could handle the drama and challenges at the hospital and fight to make the world a better place. When Dylan thought about the upcoming hearing, her stomach tied itself into knots. If she felt this nervous, she couldn't imagine how Parker felt. She desperately wanted to call Parker to check on her. She stopped herself at the last minute every time she picked up her phone. She needed to give Parker time and space to figure everything out—the hearing, their relationship, all of it. She truly believed that if they were meant to be, they would be. There were no mistakes in the universe, not really. She held onto the hope that Parker was brought into her life, and she into Parker's for a reason. Whether that reason was friendship or something more she didn't know yet. She knew what her heart told her every day. She loved Parker and felt that no matter what, she always would. Although she knew it would break her heart if Parker wanted nothing more than a friendship, she would never abandon Parker because of that. She wanted Parker to be sure of whatever she decided when it came to a future they might share, and for that, Dylan needed to allow her the space and time to think and be certain. She decided right then that she would show up extra early to the courthouse the day of the hearing in case Parker needed her for support. She prayed that everything would be okay—for all of them.
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