CHAPTER TWELVE
The hearing was scheduled for tomorrow morning and Parker was a mess. She couldn't sleep and food had absolutely no taste to her. She spoke to Janis a few times over the past couple of days and it seemed that Janis wasn't in much better shape than Parker was. The thought of facing the man that had callously and wantonly taken Grace's life, of looking into his evil eyes made her physically sick. She would do it, though. She would stand there and face him and everyone else, and tell them who Grace was, what Grace had meant to those that loved her so much. She wanted people to say Grace’s name—to know that Grace was not some faceless statistic on a sheet of paper in front of them. She was not fodder for the news reporters. Grace was a person. A daughter. A wife. My wife, and he took her from me. Parker wanted everyone to know what losing Grace felt like to her. She wanted each person present to bear witness to the devastation and heartbreak one man had caused with the pull of his trigger. She wanted to make sure that the man who’d altered the world would never breathe a breath of free air again. Grace couldn't, so neither should he.
Parker would not cry. She would stand tall and confident and speak her truth— Grace's truth. She was the only one that could do that now, and somehow, she would make Grace proud of her. Parker stopped her pacing as a sense of calm washed over her. She felt warm and comforted and loved, and she knew in that moment that Grace was with her.
I have always been proud of you. Parker heard Grace’s voice plain as day. It wasn’t right out loud or anything. There were no ghosts haunting her presence, but in her head she heard those words, spoken in Grace's soft voice. They offered her the truth. Grace would always have a place in her heart, and Parker would always love her. It was time to let go, though—to move on and to love again. It's what Grace would want to see happen. Parker knew that now beyond any shadow of a doubt. “I love you, baby,” Parker said aloud. She didn't receive an answer and she didn't need one. She knew, and that was enough.
***
“Great!” Dylan exclaimed as she looked out the window. Of course, the biggest snowstorm Colorado had seen in over twenty years would happen on the day of the parole hearing, Snow and sleet were coming down straight and hard, and it looked like it had no intention of stopping any time soon. “It's never just easy is it?” Dylan thought. She was in a foul mood and the weather outside wasn't helping. It might only have been her nerves, but she couldn't help it. She knew that Parker planned to meet Janis for breakfast that morning and that they would drive to the hearing together. That made Dylan feel slightly better. At least, she didn't have to worry about Parker driving alone in this mess. Both Parker and Janis would be with the exact person they needed to be with on this day, and Dylan was glad for it. She couldn't wait to see Parker, and yet, she was also afraid. What would Dylan say to her? What would Parker say to Dylan? At the same time, she both wanted to know the answer, and dreaded hearing it. Her brain was constantly playing devil’s advocate with her—both hoping for the best and preparing for the worst. Today wasn't about that. It was about Parker, and it was about Grace. Dylan wanted to be there for them both. So, promising to keep her word about showing up early for support, Dylan put on her winter boots and coat, wrapped a scarf around her face, and set out to face the weather—and Parker.
***
Parker and Janis had enjoyed a quiet breakfast together. They were both nervous and sad. Parker looked forward to seeing Dylan's face again. It felt like it had been forever since she had last had seen Dylan, she missed her. She really missed Dylan. She missed Dylan more than she thought possible, and that cemented her feeling for the woman in her heart. She would tell Dylan today. After the hearing, she’d admit to Dylan how she felt. That thought made her almost more nervous than speaking at the parole hearing. The weather was terrible. The snow fell with a vengeance, and Parker and Janis made a mad dash to Parker’s car after breakfast. Once they were inside and Parker had turned on the heat full blast, she looked at her mother in law. “Are you ready for this?” she asked, grabbing Janis' hand in her own.
Janis laughed. “Is there any way anyone could really be ready for this sort of thing?”
Parker thought about that for a moment. “No, no there isn't.”
Janis squeezed her hand and let go, allowing Parker to concentrate on driving through the snow and ice safely. They made it to the courthouse twenty minutes later, a bit shaken. The roads had iced up, and the back of Parker's car had slid several times. Parker said a silent prayer that Dylan would make it to the hearing safely. She was relieved when she got out and saw Dylan's Jeep already parked in the lot. She grabbed Janis' hand again and they helped each other through the mess that now served as the courthouse parking lot. She congratulated herself for deciding not to wear heels today. She would have never made it to the door.
When they finally reached the doors intact, without falling or breaking anything, Parker held the door open for Janis and then entered herself excitedly looking for Dylan. She didn't see Dylan anywhere and pushed back the thrum of disappointment that ran through her. “Well she has to be here somewhere,” Parker told herself. She stomped the excess snow off of her boots on the large black mat that lay inside the main doors. When she removed her hat and looked up, Dylan was there. The sight of Dylan took Parker’s breath away, and she immediately moved to take Dylan into her arms.
“Hey, you,” Dylan said softly as Parker about jumped into her arms. God, it felt good to hold Parker again.
“I missed you,” Parker whispered into Dylan's ear as she held on tightly.
Dylan closed her eyes, forgetting to breathe for a moment. “I missed you too—so much,” Dylan said trying not to let tears fall from her eyes.
Parker released Dylan, but remained standing in the circle of her arms. She looked at Dylan then and was taken aback at what she saw in Dylan’s eyes. There was love, always love, but there was a touch of fear and anxiety as well. Parker longed to take Dylan's doubts from her. She took both of Dylan’s hands. “Dylan, I—”
“Attention, any people here for the parole hearing of Carl Hogan, please enter the courtroom now.”
Dylan turned and saw a burly Deputy holding open the doors to the courtroom where the hearing was set to take place. She looked back at Parker whose eyes had widened to the size of dinner plates. “It's okay, Parker. I'll be right here.”
Parker looked at Dylan and nodded, not trusting herself to speak out loud. She took hold of Dylan’s hand and grabbed Janis' with her free one as the three of them made their way into the courtroom. There was need for introductions, all Janis and Dylan needed to know was that they both loved Parker and were there for her.
Parker was the first through the door. She froze no more than three feet inside, causing both Dylan and Janis to plow into her back.
“Are you okay? What is it? Parker?” Dylan's voice held an edge of panic. She stared at Parker’s face which seemed to be frozen in—what was it? Fear? Anger? She directed her eyes to follow Parker’s. The moment she was who Parker was staring at, she realized why. Carl Hogan sat facing forward in front of them. His ill-fitting brown suit looked worn, and his hair appeared to be greasy and unwashed. He sat at a long scarred and pitted wooden table, and stared straight ahead, neither looking left nor right. There was an aura surrounding him that made the air around him seem heavier than anywhere else in the room. Dylan knew if she felt the sense of heaviness as intense as she did, Parker must be drowning in it. She placed her hand gently on Parker's lower back. “It's all right, Parker. I'm right here, and I won't leave you.”
Parker came to her senses as if she were snapping out of a trance. A shiver ran the length of her spine as she tore her eyes away from the man sitting in front of them and looked back at Dylan. “Thank you,” she whispered.
Dylan smiled, wrapped her arm around Parker's middle and squeezed. “Let's find a seat.” She prodded Parker gently towards the rows of wooden benches that filled the back half of the room. There weren't many people in the room, so
they had no trouble finding a place to sit down together. Parker noted a few of her former colleagues from the news station, but she didn't acknowledge them. They were part of a different life that she no longer had any connection with. They noticed her. Some of them looked as if they wanted to say something but just didn't know what that should be. Parker was used to that. It seemed everyone had that same uncomfortable vibe around her after Grace died. Once the platitudes ran out, no one seemed to know what to say to her. She smiled politely at them, letting them off the hook. They smiled back and some gave a little wave. She took Dylan's hand again and squeezed it. “I feel like I'm on display,” she whispered, momentarily laying her head on Dylan's shoulder, trying to soak in the comfort.
“It's normal. It's been a long time since a lot of these people have seen you. Curiosity is the human condition and that's all it is. Don't worry about them. If you start to feel afraid or panicked just look at me and know that everything, and I do mean everything, Parker, is going to be okay.”
Parker wiped at her eyes with her free hand. She didn't know what she had done to deserve this woman who had come into her life, but she was so glad she’d found Dylan. She looked to the front of the room again, at the back of Carl Hogan's head. She hadn't seen him since his sentencing a little over five years ago. She hadn't forgotten what he looked like, though, not even for a moment. She couldn't see his face, but she knew he would have the same beady, almost black eyes, sunken cheekbones, and an almost sinister set to his mouth. She was both anticipating and dreading seeing his face again today. She wanted him to know—beyond a shadow of a doubt—that even though he had killed Grace, he would not, could not kill Grace’s memory for those that loved her. She wanted him to know that Grace would never be forgotten and that he would eventually fade away to nothing. No one would ever miss his presence the way that people would always miss Grace. She straightened her back as she continued to stare at his head. His hair had greyed a little since she had last seen him, the set of his shoulders was more hunched and defeated looking. It was clear that prison had not been kind to Carl Hogan, and for that she was immensely glad. Her eyes darted to the right when she heard a door that had gone previously unnoticed by her open. Three people filed in—one after the other—two men and a woman. The Parole Board. There were no news cameras allowed at the hearing. Dylan shook her head at all of the reporters whom were present, holding their notebooks in hand—pens at the ready. Had she ever really been like them? Eager for a story—the more violent the better? She felt so far removed from that life now that it was hard to even remember. She glanced past Dylan at Janis who had kept her hands folded and her eyes in her lap since they had sat down. She reached across and squeezed her mother-in-law’s knee.
Janis looked up at Parker with a strained smile and nodded. She was ready for what would come next. Parker prayed that she was as well. Once the board members were seated behind their table at the front of the room, the man who had been first through the door spoke.
“Ladies and Gentlemen. We are gathered today for the early-release/parole hearing for Carl Thomas Hogan, accused and convicted of second-degree murder on June 27th, 2013. This is not a trial as there will be no lawyers, nor is it a press conference. The board has already reviewed Mr. Hogan's prison records and today we will hear impact statements from the victim’s family before we make a final decision. Our decision is not subject to appeal, and we expect no outbursts of any kind during this hearing. Now, if we are ready to proceed, will Janis Summers please step to the podium.”
Janis took a deep breath and stood. She looked for the first time towards the front of the room. First laying her eyes on her daughter's killer and then nodding to the board members. She walked slowly but confidently to the podium and began to speak. Parker closed her eyes. She wanted to listen to Janis speak without any visual distractions. She wanted to feel Grace's presence again through her mother's words. She kept hold of Dylan's hand the entire time. Dylan was her anchor, her rock, and she felt eternally grateful.
Janis spoke about Grace as a child and what a wonderful daughter she had been. She detailed how precocious Grace had been growing up, and Parker smiled at the words. You never did lose that side of yourself, did you? She pictured Grace's crooked smile and curious mind. Janis finished by telling the board what the death of her only child had done to her. How Grace's stepfather had died less than a a year after Grace. “Of a broken heart,” Janis declared with finality.
Parker believed the assessment was true. Grace and her stepfather had a very close relationship and he was devastated when Grace died. She felt a tab of guilt at not being there for Janis when she lost her husband so soon after the death of her daughter. She wished she could have come out of the dark hole Grace's death had sent her into a little bit earlier. But there was nothing to be done for it now. That time was over, and Parker was glad that Janis was back in her life.
Dylan couldn't help crying as she listened to Janis talk about her only child and the sadness and devastation Grace’s death had brought. As she listened to Janis speak, Dylan felt that she was getting to know Grace in a way she hadn't before. She felt the loss as if she had known Grace in life. She would give anything to reverse what had happened to Grace, even if that meant she would have never met and fallen deeply in love with Parker. It hurt her heart when she thought about the immense loss and grief that both Janis and Parker had endured. She smiled at Janis' words as she pictured a little imp of a girl with curly hair running around with the boys, climbing trees, and looking for trouble. She just didn't understand—not even for a moment—how someone could end a whole life in a moment’s time without even thinking about it. How does that happen? How does God ever allow that to happen? There was so much sadness, and loss, and grief in the world that sometimes it felt overwhelming. Then she thought of Parker and how she had fallen in love with her. She thought about the joy a simple smile, or the sound of Parker’s laughter—the lightness that entered Dylan’s heart whenever Parker was near. Yes, there was a lot of evil in the world, but there was a lot of good too. Sometimes it was hard to remember that. Dylan thought life was far too short to allow evil and sadness to overcome your heart, and vowed right then, that if given the chance, she would always let Parker know how loved she was, and how much happiness Parker brought to her.
Janis finished speaking with a plea to the board to keep Carl Hogan in prison. Parker knew that she would be next and concentrated on taking deep breaths and not hyperventilating. Dylan leaned over and whispered words of strength and comfort into her ear, and kissed her cheek lightly. “Yes,” Parker thought. I can do this. And she would. Before she could think of anything else, Parker heard her name called.
“Parker Benett, please come to the podium.”
Parker nodded and stood. She stopped to give Janis a tight hug as Janis passed her on the way back to her seat. Parker walked slowly but purposely to the podium. Her mouth felt dry and she wished she had taken a bottle of water with her. She arrived at the podium and put a hand on each side to steady herself. She had not written down what she was going to say. She planned on just speaking from the heart.
“My name is Parker Benett. Grace Benett is—was my wife.” Parker then removed a small framed picture from her purse. It was their wedding photo, and she placed it on the podium facing Carl Hogan rather than the parole board members. “Grace wasn't a perfect person. But she was perfect for me, and I loved her with everything that I was— that I am. Grace was the kind of person you meet only once in a lifetime, and only then if you are lucky. I met Grace when we were both in college. We were innocent with stars in our eyes. We knew nothing of the evil in this world.” With that, she turned her head slowly and for the first time that day, laid eyes on Carl Hogan's face. He still stared stoically ahead, refusing to meet her gaze. “Coward,” she thought and continued. “We were young and in love, and we naively thought that our lives would be that way forever. It turned out that forever was eight years. Eight short years was all I had
to show a lifetime of love and gratitude to the woman I loved, and I failed in that. I always thought we would have more time. ‘Work on your career,’ I told myself. ‘Become successful. The rest will be there when you're done.’ It wasn't. I thought we had forever. We didn't. This... person.” She looked towards Hogan again. “He stole my happily-ever-after, and I can't ever get it back.”
Now, she spoke directly to Carl Hogan, not caring if that was appropriate for this hearing or not. “You left a far bigger hole in my soul than you left in my wife's body,” she told him. “You took her from me, from her mother, from the world, and you never thought twice about it. There are consequences for that, and you haven't even begun to pay.”
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