Parker looked back to the panel of three, done now with everything she had to say to Carl Hogan. “After Grace's death, I was lost. It was as if someone had dropped me into an endlessly deep and dark hole with no hope of escape. I wanted—prayed for my own death for so long that the thoughts became normal to me after a time. I didn't really want to die, but I didn't want to live anymore either, not without her. I cut off most of my friends, my family, Grace's family.” She looked back at Janis. “My life became a prison of my own making. I felt guilt, and sadness, and grief so immense that I thought at any moment it would swallow me whole. My heart, my very soul felt empty and cold. I didn't think I would ever feel warm again. I was so fortunate, though to have some friends who never gave up on me. Some old, some new came into my life, and slowly the warmth started to seep back inside, and the broken pieces of my life began to imperfectly come back together again. There are scars left behind, of course, there will always be scars. That is something Carl Hogan will never have, though. He will never feel warmth again regardless of your decisions today. Carl Hogan will spend the rest of his days existing in the icy cold. I came here today wanting to tell you about Grace. I want you to know that she was more than the name printed in front of you. She was my wife, and I will forever have a piece of my heart missing without her. I implore you to keep Carl Hogan behind bars where he truly belongs. Please don't give him the opportunity or chance to bring that cold into someone else's life. I thank you for allowing me to speak here today.” With that, Parker took her photo, returned it to her purse, turned and walked back to Dylan and Janis.
Both women had tears streaming down their face. Janis looked at Parker and nodded. She mouthed the words, I love you, to Parker.
Dylan stood and hugged Parker, holding her tight. “I'm so proud of you,” she whispered into Parker's hair.
Parker held Dylan close and smiled. Dylan felt good. It felt right, and she wanted to tell Dylan right then and there that she loved her—that Parker wanted to be with her, but Parker knew this was neither the time nor the place. She loved the way her body seemed to fit with Dylan's, as if they were made to hold each other this way. Dylan let go far too soon for Parker's taste, but she knew they had to get through the end of this hearing before they could move on. They sat back down, and Parker noticed Dylan take Janis' hand as well. It made her heart glad to see them close and united. Parker had told Janis all about Dylan and her feeling for her friend. Janis had listened to all Parker had to say, and had smiled wider and wider as Parker described what Dylan meant to her. Janis finally told Parker how happy she was that Parker had opened up to someone, and that she knew that Grace would be happy as well. It was rare to find one true love in a lifetime. It was a true gift to be able to find two. Parker, Janis, and Dylan all looked up suddenly when the parole board entered the room again. This was it. The board would render their decision and no matter what it was, Parker would have to live with it.
The Parole Board took their seats, and the man in the middle pulled a small microphone closer to him. “Thank you all for coming today and for your words. The board has convened, and we have reached a decision.”
A hush fell over the room.
“It is the decision of this board that the prisoner, Carl Thomas Hogan has shown no real remorse for his crimes. He has chosen not to speak on his own behalf today. Therefore, Mr. Hogan shall remain imprisoned at this time with no further hearings until five years from this day. Deputy, you can escort the prisoner out. This concludes the parole hearing.”
The three-person board filed out of the room through the door they had entered. Parker sat frozen, trying to comprehend the words that were just spoken. “It's over,” she whispered more to herself than to Dylan.
“Yes it is,” Dylan replied, putting her arm around Parker's shoulders. “You did it.”
Parker looked at Dylan, and then at Janis who was wiping at her eyes with a tissue. “No, we did it,” Parker replied. She turned to look directly into Dylan’s eyes. “All of us,” she said. “I couldn't have done any of this if it weren't for you, Dylan. You brought light, and warmth, and hope back into my life. I will be forever grateful to you for that. Thank you for being a true friend.” Parker hugged Dylan who had been rendered speechless by her words. Parker pulled away from Dylan as the room became loud and crowded again.
Reporters were waiting outside the door for a comment, and suddenly Parker wanted to be anywhere but where she was. She turned back to Dylan to say, “let's go.” but Dylan spoke first.
“I need to use the restroom. I'll meet you out there.” Dylan's voice shook as she spoke.
Parker saw something in Dylan’s eyes that she couldn't quite put her finger on. “Okay, sure. Are you alright” Dylan didn't answer Parker. She just gave a quick nod of her head and headed out the main doors before Parker could say anything else.
Dylan felt claustrophobic all of the sudden. She had to get away. She pushed her way through the throng of reporters and made it to the restroom. She was incredibly proud of Parker. She truly was. But one word kept sticking in her head. Friend. Dylan splashed cold water on her face and looked at herself in the mirror. “She just wants to be your friend, Dylan. You need to face that now and just be there for her,” she said aloud to her reflection. It felt like her heart was broken. She would, of course, remain Parker's friend. She would always be there for Parker. She knew that. Everything would be fine. She would remain friends with Parker, and eventually, a long way down the road, Dylan maybe Dylan would be able to convince herself that she wasn't in love with Parker anymore. She could face that. She didn't have any other choice. But she couldn't do it today. She dried her face and her eyes, put on her coat, and decided for today, at least, she would make a quick exit to try to wrap her head around her new reality. Friends. Yes, she could do that, but not today.
Dylan exited the restroom and saw both Parker and Janis surrounded by reporters. Janis was making a short statement, so she took the opportunity to get Parker's attention. “I'm gonna head home, Parker. I'm so proud of you. I'll call you later.” With that, she took off for the exit.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
Parker was confused. Where was Dylan going? She went to grab Dylan’s arm but at the same time, a reporter stuck a recorder in her face and asked for a statement. Parker only looked away for a moment, but when she looked back, Dylan was gone, and the doors were closing behind her. “What the hell was that about?” Parker said as she took off running for the door, hoping to catch Dylan before it was too late.
Parker raced out of the building, not caring about anything but catching Dylan. The snow hit her bare skin like a million tiny needles, but Parker didn't even notice. She only halted her determined forward motion when she felt a hand grab her arm. She turned around and came face to face with Janis. Her lips pressed into a thin determined line.
“I have to catch her Janis! I have to tell her...”
Janis smiled and handed Parker her coat. “I know, but you don't have to freeze to death doing it.”
Parker took her coat and threw it on. She smiled her thanks at Janis. She didn't even feel the cold, not yet, at least, but she knew she would soon. She couldn't let anything slow her down—not now, not when she was so close. Just as Parker was about to take off again, Janis said, “Sweetheart? Be careful.”
Parker looked at Janis and felt love for the woman. “I know what I want, what my heart wants Janis. It's her.”
Janis smiled knowingly. “Yes, dear, I know. I didn't mean be careful with your heart. Be careful with hers.”
Realization struck Parker. She understood how hurt and vulnerable Dylan must have felt. It broke her heart to think of it now. “Oh, baby,” Parker thought. “You spend so much time taking care of others—we forget— I forget what that cost you. I promise I'll never make that mistake again.” She walked back to Janis and hugged her. “I will be,” she said, and meant every word.
Parker trudged after Dylan through the ever-deepening snow. She saw Dylan
up ahead. “Will you stop!” Parker cried, losing her footing for the third time. “Dylan! Stop I—” Parker fell forward, her legs not strong enough for this kind of strenuous activity. She was so tired.
Dylan was suddenly at her side with a worried look on her face. “Parker! Jesus! Baby, are you alright?”
“I'm fine.” Parker looked at Dylan's face and managed a smile to let her know that she was in fact okay. “You're always rescuing me you know.”
Dylan helped Parker up and stood there. Concern turning to sadness on her face. “Go home, Parker. You shouldn't be out here in this weather.”
Parker regained her footing and brushed off the snow. The snow was coming down so hard now that it hardly mattered. She looked up at the white sky. It was beautiful in its own way.
Dylan spoke. “Parker, look, you need to go. I can't—”
Parker held two fingers against Dylan's lips and stopped her from speaking. “Dylan? I'm gonna need you to just listen to me now, okay? Can you do that?”
Dylan nodded silently. She was afraid if she moved too much that Parker would remove her fingers, and Dylan craved the contact.
Parker nodded and smiled, slowly removing her hand from Dylan's mouth. They both felt the absence of touch immediately, and sighed almost simultaneously. Dylan half-laughed and looked down. She felt suddenly shy, and not quite sure what to do with her hands anymore. Neither of them felt the cold any longer as they looked into each other’s eyes.
Parker took a deep breath and began. “For the past five years, hell, maybe even longer—I don't know. I have felt little else but empty and vacant.” Parker lowered her eyes. She hadn't been sure what she was going to say until this very moment. She knew she had to tell it all to Dylan. Dylan deserved no less. “When Grace died, I felt that all of the best parts of me died with her. Oh, I survived, but I didn't really live. I locked myself away from people that cared about me. Loved me. I didn't want their looks of pity or their love. I didn't want any of it. I thought if I never opened myself up again, if I never let anyone in, then no one could see how empty I really was, and they could never hurt me. I couldn't mourn the loss of something I never had, and I had done enough mourning. I never wanted to be left this raw and open again. Then you came along. From the beginning, my mind and heart railed against your presence. My soul, though, my soul felt safe with you, and I branded it a traitor. I wasn't always as kind as I could have been to you.”
Dylan looked like she wanted to argue but Parker stopped her with a shake of her head and a sad smile.
“I didn't think I could afford to allow you to glimpse the nothingness inside, but you wouldn't let me hide and boy did that piss me off sometimes!” Parker admitted. Both women laughed knowingly. “Then, quite against my formidable will, I started to talk to you, to know you. I began to like you, and more importantly—trust you. I tried to back off several times, not wanting to allow what seemed determined to happen, to happen. I was tired of taking a back seat to fate. Fate and a mad man's bullet had taken everything from me.” A tear escaped Parker's eye and Dylan gently caught it on the tip of her finger. Parker grabbed Dylan's hand and held it. “Then the most wonderful and surprising thing happened!” Parker continued. “There were moments, fleeting at first, but moments all the same, when you looked at me and I felt whole again.” Tears streamed down both women’s faces. “Dylan, I don't know when or even why it happened the way that it did, but somehow, somewhere in this screwed up life of mine, I began to feel alive again. I looked forward to what tomorrow would bring. I didn't think that would ever happen for me again. I wasn't even sure that I wanted it to. I do, though. I do want it. I want tomorrows, and next weeks, and ten years from now. I want it all and I want it with you. Dylan, I love you.”
Dylan was stunned silent. Of all of the things she thought Parker would say, she never even dared hope it would be this. She stared at Parker, mouth slightly agape.
Parker looked down at her feet, suddenly feeling uncomfortable. Had she said too much? She stuttered a bit as she continued. “I, I get it if you don't feel the same anymore. Really I do. I put you through a lot. I know I'm a mess, and no one's idea of a perfect partner but I..—”
Parker's ramblings were halted by Dylan's lips on hers. Dylan kissed her like tomorrow might never come, and right that second, Parker didn't care if it did. Dylan tried to pour all of her feelings, her longing, her passion into the kiss. She didn't want it to ever end. She was struck with a sudden fear that none of this was real. She clung to Parker tightly, terrified that she would suddenly wake up alone again.
Both women pulled back slowly out of a need to breathe. “Wow,” Parker said, holding her fingers to her still tingling lips.
“Yeah, wow,” Dylan agreed smiling. She refused to remove her hands from Parker's hips.
“So?” Parker asked shyly. “This is, it's okay, I mean?”
Dylan laughed. She felt lighter than she thought she had any right to feel. “Okay? She asks if it's okay,” Dylan said, still laughing. Her sheer joy wrenching a giggle from Parker's mouth too. “Parker,” Dylan began. Tears of happiness shone in her blue eyes. “I love you, Parker. Of course, I do. I think I have loved you from the first moment I laid eyes on you.”
Parker's eyes filled with tears, one escaping to trace a slow trail down her cheek.
“You are everything I have ever dreamed of, and everything I never dared to believe I could ever have. You're right, though, you are a mess. So am I! So are most people. The world today, well, it's a scary place. The things I saw working in the Emergency Room, they changed me. They made me see life and death in a different more transient way.” Dylan looked into Parker's eyes. There was a sparkle in them she had not seen before, and with her blonde hair framing her face, and the snow still falling all around them, the scene was surreal. Dylan prayed that she would be looking into those beautiful brown eyes so filled with hope and love for the rest of her life. “Those things I witnessed,” Dylan continued. “Those things—both horrible and beautiful made me, no forced me to see how short and absolutely precious life is. I don't want to wait another second, Parker.” Dylan faltered.
Parker pulled her close and held her tightly. “We won't,” she whispered, kissing Dylan's ear as she did. “Not one more moment, baby.”
Dylan's stomach fluttered at the term of endearment.
“But if we don't get out of this cold soon, I may stick frozen right to you!”
Dylan laughed and kissed Parker again lightly on the lips. “Would that be so bad?” she teased.
Parker smiled and took Dylan's hand, leading her to her car. “No,” she said, almost more to herself than Dylan. “It wouldn't be so bad at all.”
6 WEEKS LATER
“I think that's everything.” Dylan dropped the last box next to the bed and flopped down on the mattress beside Parker.
Parker looked up from her notebook. “Are you sure now? I never knew you had so much stuff!”
Dylan laughed and stretched across to kiss her girlfriend. “Good thing you have big closets”, Dylan whispered as she deepened the kiss.
“Hmmm, good thing,” Parker replied with a dreamy quality to her voice. Parker had wanted Dylan to move in right away, but Dylan said they should wait and let things settle a bit first. Parker tried to be patient, but she finally had enough and told Dylan that if she didn't move her things into the house than Parker was going to pack up and move into Dylan's one bedroom apartment. Dylan started packing that night. “I'm so glad that you're here,” Parker said against Dylan's lips. “Falling asleep with you at night, waking up to you in the morning. Heaven.”
Dylan had never felt so content and in love in her life. She had everything she had ever wanted, right here in her arms. “Heaven indeed, my love. Nothing could make this any better.”
Parker pulled out of Dylan's arms much to the other woman’s objections. She turned over on their bed and grabbed something off of the nightstand. “Well,” Parker began. “There is one thing.”
<
br /> Dylan looked confused. Parker had a familiar sparkle in her eyes that Dylan loved. She thought she could spend every single day for the rest of her life looking into those eyes and never regret a moment. “Missing? What could possibly be missing?”
Parker opened her hand which held a small velvet ring box. She slowly opened the box to reveal a platinum band. It had a heart shaped diamond in the middle and on each side of the diamond were Parker and Dylan's birthstones. “Dylan O'Malley, I love you and I will spend eternity trying to show you just how much. Will you be my wife?”
Dylan looked and felt absolutely stunned. She couldn't believe this was happening. She had always pictured this moment, and she pictured it a lot, with her being the one to propose. Parker never failed to surprise her in the best of ways. Dylan’s entire life, all of the hardships and joys, the long lonely nights, the tear and laughter. All of it had brought her to this moment, and this woman.
“Ahem, you know Dylan, a girl could get a complex here.”
Dylan snapped her head up and back to the present moment. “Parker, I—I don't know what to say.”
Parker looked a little fearful. “Well, I was kind of hoping that you would say yes.”
Dylan jumped up off the bed taking Parker with her. “Oh my, God, Parker! Yes⁄ Of course, yes. I want nothing in this world more than to be your wife, and for you to be mine.”
Parker laughed and she slipped the ring on Dylan's left hand. She kissed both of Dylan's eyes, and then her nose, and finally down to her mouth. The kiss was sweet and passionate and both women lost themselves. Parker sighed and grinned against Dylan's lips. “I never thought I would ever find someone like you again. You make me so happy, Dylan. Thank you.”
Dylan kissed her lightly again. “You make me happy too, baby. I can't wait to spend forever with you. Now what do you say we get these boxes unpacked so we can celebrate the right way.”
Random Acts Page 12
