Between Heaven and Earth

by Michele Paige Holmes

  “I know.” Noah looked at the ground but not before Cassie glimpsed the disappointment on his face. “I just thought that if I scored enough goals…”

  “Oh, sweetheart.” She knelt in from of him and pulled him close. “Legoland is a good dream to have. Don’t give up on it, but we have to be patient.” The story of our lives.

  “Everything okay?” Matt paused on his way toward the parking lot. Beside him, Austin and Asher were busy slurping their juice boxes.

  “We’re good.” Cassie stood and grabbed her things. “Noah is just lamenting not having scored a goal this game, but he’ll get there.”

  “Absolutely, he will,” Matt said.

  Noah looked up at him, and Matt gave him the thumbs up. “You were great today.”

  “Thanks.” Noah visibly perked up at this praise, leaving Cassie feeling slightly disgruntled that her words of encouragement hadn’t had the same effect.

  “We’ve got to get going,” she said. “Grandma’s expecting you.”

  “I have a grandma, too,” Asher said, taking his mouth from his straw just long enough to impart that information.

  “Grandmas are the best, aren’t they?” Cassie said as they walked together.

  Asher nodded.

  “Mine plays games with me and gives me ice cream while Mom and Dad have their date,” Noah boasted.

  This elicited a scowl from Austin.

  “Can we get ice cream, too?” Asher asked.

  “Maybe,” Matt said vaguely, “but hamburgers are more what I had in mind.”

  “Well, see you at the game tomorrow,” Cassie called as she reached her car. She purposely had not said anything to him about the boys practicing on Thursdays again. When Matt had called the previous day to tell her that he had to work, their phone call had felt stilted and awkward. Whether he’d intended to or not, he’d put off the vibe that he didn’t want to be around her— which was probably for the best. Though she had been hopeful about Noah having some friends to play with outside of school. She also thought she understood Matt. She knew how painful it could be to see other couples when you were by yourself. At least she had the possibility of being with Devon again, but Matt’s loss was permanent. She could only imagine how he must feel and how difficult that must be.

  Cassie got into her car, and with a last wave exchanged between them, she drove off, telling herself the same thing she had when leaving the last game— it wasn’t her problem. The world was full of sad situations, hers included. Becoming wrapped up in other people’s heartaches wasn’t any way to heal her own. She’d done what she could for Austin and Asher, what was appropriate, by inviting them to join her team. She didn’t have a team for Matt; the best she could do there was to remember him in her prayers and hope that time really did heal.

  Fifteen minutes later, she pulled into her mom’s driveway. Noah slumped against the door in the backseat, his eyes closed almost convincingly. She sighed out loud as she unbuckled her seatbelt. “Poor Noah fell asleep. Now Grandma will have to eat all of the ice cream herself.”

  “Nuh uh!” Noah jumped up and sprang at her.

  Cassie twisted in her seat. “You tricked me.”

  He burst into giggles, as if this were the funniest scenario ever to occur even though it had played out dozens of times before. She dreaded the day he realized she wasn’t really fooled and stopped playing.

  “All right little trickster, out you go.” She got out of the car and opened his door for him. Noah skipped ahead of her up the walk to her mom’s front door. Before he could ring the bell, the door opened.

  “How’s my date for tonight?” Janet Jensen asked as she bent to scoop Noah into a hug. To Cassie she said, “Running late, aren’t you?”

  Cassie nodded. “We had a make-up game from last week’s rainout, remember?”

  “That’s right,” Mom said. “How did you do, young man?” she asked Noah.

  “No goals,” he said, “but Matt said I played good.”

  “Who’s Matt?” her mom asked.

  “Gotta go.” Cassie jumped in her car before her mom could ask any more questions. When Noah and her mom had gone into the house, Cassie backed out of the driveway and tried to back everything out of her mind except Devon. Friday nights were his and his alone. She knew, if she tried hard enough, someday he would wake up and realize that, too.

  Cassie glanced at her watch for the third time. Ikeda’s was busy tonight. No surprise, for the best burger place to be found for miles around, though it seemed to be taking longer than usual to get her order. And she was already late.

  “Number ninety-three,” a girl at the front counter called, and Cassie gratefully hurried forward to take her bags.

  “Thanks.”

  On the way to her car she used her teeth to pull the paper off the top of her straw so she could start on her milkshake. The thick, cool, strawberry concoction slid down her throat and brought a smile to her face. She’d made it to another Friday.

  Maybe this will be the last one I have to come alone. Maybe next week she’d be bringing Noah with her, and they would be on their way to do more than just see Devon because he would be awake. Then a few months after that, Devon might actually be home, and she wouldn’t be going to the care center at all. Eventually he’d be well enough to come with her, and they could sit and eat together at one of those little tables inside. Then afterward, they would wander up and down the aisles of the farm produce half of the store, picking out the last of the season’s fruits and vegetables, like they used to do on date night.

  Maybe.

  For some reason she felt more hopeful than usual as she walked to her car. Something about the evening seemed full of promise, and Cassie felt her spirits lift. She was forever looking for a sign that her life was about to improve, that Devon was going to get better. Perhaps this feeling, this subtle change, was what she’d been waiting for.

  She put the bags and cups on the hood of her car while she opened the door then balanced everything in the box lid on the front passenger seat. She’d kept that box lid in her car for six years now. It would be great if it was gone, too, if she never needed it to transport their dinner to the care center again.

  The key turned in the ignition, but her Nissan refused to start. It wouldn’t even turn over, so Cassie let it rest a minute, hoping against hope that the engine would spring to life when she tried again.

  “Nine hundred dollars in the last year to keep you going,” she muttered. The dumb thing had better start. At least tonight, she silently pled. She could deal with a broken down car tomorrow, but not now, not tonight with dark falling quickly, Devon to visit, and dinner cooling on the seat beside her. Please.

  She knew better than to ask or think, Why me? Why not me? was a lot more applicable question. Devon’s partner hadn’t survived the shooting. His wife was a widow, raising three teenagers on her own. At Sierra Long-Term Care, Cassie had witnessed more heartbreaking situations than she would have ever stopped to consider in her life before. Children were born with crippling disabilities. Young people had strokes. Alzheimer’s robbed husbands and wives of their relationships. Often she left the care center simply grateful for the lot that was hers. Noah was healthy. She was healthy. Devon would be healthy again, but she had to help him get there. And to do that, she needed these visits with him.

  Please start. Cassie tried the car again with the same results, then leaned her head forward against the steering wheel and groaned as she considered her limited options. Call Mom. Call a tow truck. She wasn’t positive but was fairly certain she’d already used her max towing benefit for the year. A quick call to her insurance carrier would clarify what, if any, benefit she had left and tell her what she’d be paying for tow service. Probably a better option than calling Mom, no matter what it costs. Cassie wasn’t up for another lecture on why she should get Devon’s car out of storage and drive it. Of course she should. On a common sense level, she knew that.

  But on another level… She didn’t thin
k she could drive the Audi without inflicting some serious emotional pain on herself. It was too full of memories, everything from the fight they’d had when he bought it, to driving on their honeymoon in San Francisco, to Devon holding her close in the privacy of the car after the doctor appointment in which they’d learned that having children of their own, on their own without serious medical intervention, was improbable at best.

  Cassie leaned her head back against the seat and closed her eyes, remembering that day as if it were yesterday. She’d held it together in the OB’s office, and Devon’s supporting arm had gotten her out the door and across the parking lot, but once in the car, she’d fallen apart and into his arms, where they’d cried together over their shattered dream.

  That hadn’t been so shattered after all, not in that regard, at least. She’d had Noah a mere fifteen months later, without any heroic interventions, though she still wondered at the timing and what God was trying to tell her. She’d learned of Noah’s impending arrival just weeks after Devon was shot. It almost felt as if it was God’s way of telling her that she couldn’t have it all. She’d had Devon for a while and wanted Noah. Now she had Noah, but she still wanted Devon, and that was simply too much to hope for. Other women had both a husband and children, but not her. Tonight, she didn’t even have a car that would start. Cassie tried the engine one last time. Nothing. She’d have to call the insurance company, and she’d have to put whatever repair she needed on her credit card, but she couldn’t drive the Audi. She wouldn’t drive it until the day she brought Devon home.

  Cassie flipped through the cards in her wallet, searching for her insurance information. She ought to have the number memorized by now; she’d called it so many times this past year.

  “Coach!”

  Cassie jumped in her seat and barely stifled a scream at the face pressed against the driver’s side window.

  Faces. Two of them. Two sets of eyes above two smashed noses stared at her from the other side of the glass. A third joined them a second later as Matt bent down to peer at her.

  “Sorry,” he mouthed, pulling his boys back from the car a little.

  “No worries.” Cassie opened the door to talk to them since her window wouldn’t roll down.

  “Having a boys’ night out?” she asked Austin and Asher.

  “That was the plan. So is this place as good as it’s rumored to be?” Matt asked.

  “Better.” Cassie leaned behind her to grab a few fries. “Try these.” She handed one each to Austin and Asher then reached the last one up to Matt.

  He popped it in his mouth, then smiled. “Just what the doctor ordered after a long week.”

  “I’d like to meet the doctor who recommends French fries,” Cassie joked, “and one who prescribes strawberry shakes as well.” She picked up her shake and took another drink, noting that it already wasn’t as thick as it had been a few minutes ago. Dinner was going to be ruined by the time she made it to see Devon.

  “Where’s Noah?” Austin asked, looking past her to the back seat.

  “He’s at his grandma’s,” Cassie said. “Friday night is the night I spend with his father, though just now my car won’t start, so we might not get a date this week after all.”

  “Do you need a jump?” Matt braced his hand on the roof of the Nissan and leaned in.

  “I’m not sure,” Cassie said. “It won’t even turn over. I was just getting ready to call my insurance to have it towed.”

  Matt didn’t respond right away but seemed to be considering something. His eyes flickered to the bags on the seat beside her, then to Austin and Asher, and finally to the line of people coming out the front door of Ikeda’s. “How about if we give you a ride instead? The boys and I can drop you off and eat somewhere else tonight. It doesn’t look like we’ll be getting a seat soon anyway.”

  “That’s very kind of you,” Cassie said, feeling both grateful and uncomfortable at the same time. If Matt were to give her a ride now, she’d still have a little over an hour to spend with Devon, but she wasn’t sure how she felt about getting a ride from another man. And she really didn’t want to explain her situation to Matt.

  But it seemed he had taken her response for a yes. “Let’s go, boys. There are other fries to be had in this town, and we can always have ice cream for dinner again if we can’t find anyplace else to eat.” He pulled the door of Cassie’s car all the way open.

  Trying to dismiss her unease, she hurried to collect the bags of food and her shake. These in hand and her purse over her shoulder, she stepped from the car. Matt closed the door behind her and she clicked the remote to lock it, though she wasn’t sure who in his right mind would want to steal her car.

  Matt opened the front passenger door of his truck for her. “Want me to hold those while you climb in?”

  Cassie handed him her bags and shake, uncertain how else she would have managed to get into the high truck without the use of her hands. Once she was seated, she took her dinner from him, then waited while he helped Austin and Asher get buckled in the back seat.

  The inside of the truck was as nice as the outside and had that new car smell to it. She glanced behind her at the boys and noted how clean the back seats were as well. The truck had to be new— no one with kids could keep a vehicle this immaculate for very long.

  “Did you just buy this?” she asked Matt when he was seated.

  “A little over a month ago.” He avoided her gaze, paying particular attention as he backed out and causing Cassie to wonder if he felt embarrassed to be driving such a nice vehicle when hers was anything but.

  “I like it,” she said sincerely, hoping to put him at ease. “I haven’t ridden in many trucks; this one is very comfortable.”

  “Thanks,” he said, almost curtly. “Which way?”

  “Right.” She pointed toward Lincoln. “Do you know where the hospital is?”

  Matt shook his head. “Haven’t been there— yet,” he added, inclining his head toward the back seat, “but with those two, it may be just a matter of time.”

  The two in the back were busy poking and pinching each other and appearing rather glum about having had their dinner postponed. Cassie opened one of the bags and took her fries from it.

  “Here,” she said, holding them out to the boys. “I think you need these more than me.”

  “Thanks!” Asher and Austin chimed, eagerly claiming the fries.

  “You didn’t have to do that,” Matt said.

  “You didn’t have to give me a ride.” Cassie smiled at him. “But I really appreciate it.” She felt an unexplainable urgency to see Devon and guessed that it had to do with the feeling she’d had earlier, the buoyancy of hope. “You’ll want to turn here to catch Bowman. We’ll stay on that about a mile, then turn left onto Bell.”

  “Bowman to Bell. Got it,” Matt said. “So does your husband work at the hospital?”

  “No,” Cassie said. Here came the questions she’d dreaded. “He’s at a care center right next to it. So what kind of gas mileage does this thing get?” It was a lame attempt at avoiding the truth and changing the subject, and she was pretty sure Matt saw right through it, but he played along.

  “About sixteen around town. A little better on the highway.”

  “Not much worse than my car then,” Cassie said, attempting levity, though the atmosphere in the car felt suddenly heavy and serious. “What made you decide to get a truck?”

  “Mommy wrecked our car when she died, so we had to get a new one.” Asher’s voice carried from the back seat.

  “I’m so sorry.” Cassie turned and gave both boys a look conveying deepest sympathy. “I was all grown up when my father died, but it was still very hard, and I miss him so much. You must miss her a lot.”

  Austin stared at his lap, but Asher nodded and reached his hand forward, as if to touch her. Cassie reacted instinctively and placed her free hand on the back of the seat, over his little one. “It hurts losing someone you love, especially a mother.” Her gaze drift
ed to Austin, her heart breaking for his that was surely tender. What would Noah do without me? It didn’t bear thinking of.

  Beside her, Matt cleared his throat uncomfortably. “Jenna had a brain aneurysm. We didn’t know. She was driving when it burst.”

  “Oh, Matt.” Cassie kept her hand on Asher’s but felt a desire to reach out to Matt, too, and offer some gesture of comfort, miniscule though it might be. “What a lot you’ve all been through.”

  “Yeah.” Matt let out a slow, weary breath. “But we’re getting through it, right boys?”

  Asher nodded, but Austin didn’t respond. He’d stopped eating the fries and still sat with his head down.

  Cassie wished she had some sage wisdom or words of genuine comfort but felt at a loss for either of those. There wasn’t anything she could say that would make their situation or their lives better, just like there wasn’t anything that anyone could tell her that would make her own lot easier or less painful. She’d spent the last six years learning that sometimes you simply had to get through hard things. You had to go on living even when you didn’t want to. And sometimes you hurt. A lot. Her heart ached for this kind man and his children and the loss they’d suffered.

  They drove the remaining distance in silence, which Cassie broke the last minute, directing Matt to the right driveway. He stopped in the pull thru of Sierra, and Cassie thanked him and said goodbye to the boys. She let herself out of the truck, holding tight to her bags and shake as she jumped down.

  “Thanks again.” She closed the door and held a hand up as he drove away.

  Only then did she turn and enter the sliding double glass doors, leaving all else behind and returning to her world which revolved around Devon.

  Cassie strode down the extra-wide hallway that smelled perpetually of ammonia. She’d become accustomed to the strong scent of cleaning supplies over the years, though it never ceased to cause her nose to tickle and burn every time she entered the building.

  “Someday soon,” she said to herself. Devon would smell of something else, like his favorite cologne when they were going out, or of fresh cut grass when he’d been out working in the yard they were going to have. She’d even take him sweaty after the gym over the antiseptic aroma she’d come to associate with him.