Between Heaven and Earth

by Michele Paige Holmes

  “Thanks,” Matt said, sounding anything but grateful.

  “Cassie is a lovely young woman,” Matt’s mom began.

  But… Cassie knew she should leave the bathroom and go somewhere else in the house where she couldn’t overhear their argument, but there was no way she could leave now, not when this conversation concerned her.

  “But?” Matt asked, echoing her thoughts.

  “She’s got a ring on her finger,” Maureen said. “She’s married; she has a living, breathing husband.”

  They don’t like me because I’m married. Cassie certainly couldn’t blame them, and she felt almost relieved that was the issue. Something I can’t change and don’t feel the least bad about.

  “I don’t think you can qualify her husband’s condition as living,” Matt said. “Devon hasn’t been awake for six years.”

  “Still,” Maureen said. “He is alive, and Cassie is his wife.”

  “I know that.”

  Cassie thought she heard Matt’s weary sigh and imagined him running his fingers through his hair in exasperation, or was he standing with his hands shoved in his pockets like he did when he wasn’t sure what to do with them?

  “Cassie and I are just friends,” Matt said. “We help each other fill in the gaps for the boys.”

  “For now,” Maureen said, “but you’re not too far from filling in the gaps for each other as well. Last night you practically asked her to kiss you.”

  He did ask me to kiss him. Cassie set the towel on the counter and reached for her brush.

  “We were just joking around,” Matt said. “Besides, you heard her. She turned me down flat. Cassie is the most dedicated wife and mother I know. She’s incredibly faithful to her husband.”

  “Then why are you encouraging her not to be?” his dad asked, voice still kind.

  Matt didn’t answer, not that Cassie could hear at least. She dropped to the floor, kneeling on the bathmat and leaned closer to the vent.

  “Cassie may have turned you down this time,” Maureen said, “but she didn’t want to. Look at this picture I took. Is this the face of a woman who doesn’t want to be kissed?”

  What picture? Did she post it? Panicked, Cassie glanced up at the counter before remembering she’d left her phone on the nightstand in Matt’s bedroom.

  “I’ve rarely seen such yearning,” his mom continued. “It breaks the heart, really. If you think being alone for ten months has been rough, imagine how Cassie must feel, having been alone all these years.”

  “She feels fine,” Matt said. “She’s coped with the hand life’s dealt her amazingly well. Until she told me, I had no idea that her husband was anything less than ordinary. She coaches soccer, works at the school, and makes this tooth fairy money for Noah. She knows what to do about head lice, cooks healthy dinners, and even made the all boys Halloween costumes. She’s completely capable and on top of things.”

  If you only knew. But Matt did know. They’d talked at length about their situations. He’d seen her cry. He knows that deep down I struggle.

  “Being capable doesn’t mean that someone isn’t lonely or wanting more,” Maureen said.

  “Well of course she wants more.” Matt’s voice raised. “She wants her husband to wake up. I want Jenna to come back. We don’t always get what we want, so we do the best with what we’re given.”

  “You’re missing a critical difference,” Tom said. “Jenna is never going to come back, but Cassie’s husband might. Who knows? Stranger things have happened, and he’s hung on this long.”

  Cassie dropped her brush on the rug and sat back, leaning against the tub as she hugged her knees tight to her chest that was suddenly throbbing. Words she’d tried hard to forget pushed their way to the surface. Devon lingers because your heart calls to him.

  Matt’s father continued. “And if he does wake up, where does that leave you?”

  “Exactly where I was before,” Matt muttered, sounding angry. “Alone.”

  “Unless you’ve become too close to Cassie,” his mom said, her voice strangely emotional. “Then you’re worse off, and so is she. Think about what that would do to her and Noah. What if she had to choose between her husband and you?”

  If you would release him, he would go and find peace at last.

  “What about Austin and Asher?” Maureen asked. “They adore her already, but she’s not their mother.”

  “She’s so good for them.” Matt sounded almost pleading.

  It’s time to allow what should have happened six years ago to happen now. It’s time to let go. Cassie’s throat felt swollen. She rested her forehead on her arms as tears threatened.

  “I know, son,” Tom said. “We see how wonderful Cassie is, too. We were thrilled for you until we realized her situation. Now we’re fearful for you both. We don’t want to see you and the boys get hurt, and we don’t want you to hurt someone else. Matt, that’s not who we raised you to be or who you are. You’re better than that.”

  Search your heart… tell him he is free to move on, and then you can move on.

  She couldn’t. It wasn’t that simple. Cassie threw the towel over the vent and got to her feet. She’d heard enough of both the conversation downstairs and the remembered one in her head. She dressed quickly, fighting tears as she pulled on her jeans and thrust her arms through the sleeves of a thick sweater. She braided her hair in record time, then tidied the bathroom.

  A quick peek in the hall showed all the other doors still closed, so she crept silently back to Matt’s room, where she wrote a hasty note, jammed a hat on her head, and grabbed her shoes.

  Downstairs she could still hear muted voices coming from Matt’s parents’ room, so she walked on tiptoe across the kitchen and out the back door. She closed the door softly then, put on her sneakers and a jacket she’d grabbed from the hooks by the door.

  The sounds of the surf reached her as Cassie crossed the yard and exited the gate. She followed the sandy path down to the beach. Once there, she slowed her steps and inhaled slowly, filling her lungs with the moist ocean air. The beach was only faintly lit and mostly shrouded in fog, but several residents were up already, walking along the shoreline, perhaps anxious to work off the weekend’s excess of food. If only that was all she needed to work off or work out, but the problems weighing her down were far greater than an extra pound or two.

  Every point Matt’s parents had made was right— spot on to the realities of her situation, a situation she’d allowed Matt to become entangled in, too. His parents hadn’t said it aloud, at least not during the part of the conversation she’d overheard, but Cassie realized how grossly she had taken advantage of Matt and his kindness. Sure, he might have been the one who first officially suggested that they be friends, but it was really her fault that had happened. That night at the hospital cafeteria, she’d been so distraught after her meeting with Pearl. I just wanted someone to talk to, she rationalized, but deep down inside she’d known what she was doing when she sat at his booth and told Matt about Devon. She’d seen how kind he’d been when Noah got hurt, and she’d hoped for his compassion again that night. She’d needed someone, and he’d come through in even more ways than she’d imagined.

  Cassie stopped walking and faced the ocean, closing her eyes as she remembered the moment Matt first reached across the table and took her hand, how much that meant, how good it had felt, how she never wanted to let go. In a way, she hadn’t. She’d encouraged and enjoyed their friendship to the point that he’d invited her and Noah to come home for Thanksgiving, a rite usually reserved for a couple getting serious about a relationship— something they absolutely could not do.

  The tears she’d been fighting all morning finally broke free, sliding down her cheeks one after the other. Cassie zipped up the jacket all the way and pulled the hood up to hide her face as much as possible from anyone she might pass. Then she started walking along the beach in the opposite direction she and Matt had taken the boys the previous day.

  What a me
ss she’d made. What was she supposed to do now? Clearly, she couldn’t continue to see Matt as she had been, even under the guise of activities for the boys, but it would break Noah’s heart not to see Matt and his boys anymore. Cassie worried about Asher and Austin, too. Especially Austin. She couldn’t just walk away from him. He was simply too fragile to handle that. If she did, it might be years before he recovered and could feel like he could trust again. Ending things completely was out of the question.

  There was no going back to how life was before she’d met Matt and his sons, but there could also be no continuing on as they had been. The next time he asked, she worried she might kiss him. What kind of a wife kisses another man? She felt wretched even thinking about it and wished more than anything that she could be at Devon’s side tonight and beg his forgiveness.

  Maybe I can.

  Cassie wiped at her tears and tried to think the possibility through. She could rent a car and return home tonight. Noah would pitch a fit, of course. He was having the time of his life. She had been, too, until this morning.

  If she made him leave today so she could see Devon tonight, Noah might blame Devon and resent him. She’d glimpsed that resentment a time or two already and had been trying not to use Devon or allow his condition to become an issue. She didn’t want Noah to hate his dad before he even knew him.

  I could let Noah stay the weekend. She wondered what Matt would think of that. He and the boys could come home on Sunday as they’d planned. She wondered if she could survive in her apartment alone for a night without Noah, but if it came down to his happiness or hers, she’d figure out a way to be alone. A couple of days away from Matt might help her decide how to best go forward from here. She’d go see Devon tonight and tomorrow. Maybe explaining the situation to him would help her know what to do.

  Feeling slightly better for having a plan, Cassie turned to head back the direction she’d come and saw a distant figure sprinting toward her. It was Matt. Instead of walking faster to meet him, as she would have the day before, she slowed her steps, then stopped altogether, prolonging the time until he would reach her. What am I going to say? She’d hoped for another half hour to work through how to best tell him she needed to leave.

  I should never have come. I’m sorry for leading you on. We can’t let this get any more serious. Perhaps that was too direct.

  I’ve really enjoyed meeting your family, but this trip wasn’t a good idea. He’d want to know why.

  I happened to overhear your conversation with your parents this morning. Slightly far from the truth.

  I lay on the bathroom floor this morning and eavesdropped on your private conversation. A good possibility for making him lose interest quickly. Maybe she should go for complete honesty, displaying all her flaws.

  Your mom was spot on. I totally wanted to kiss you last night. But he might take that as an invitation to kiss her now, right here on the beach at sunrise. Cassie ran her tongue over her top teeth. Had she brushed that morning?

  What am I thinking? She brought her hands to her eyes and covered them, as if to block out the image of her and Matt that her mind had so easily conjured.

  This was bad. Really bad. What was she supposed to do? Matt had almost reached her. She had to tell him something.

  “Hey.” Matt stopped a few feet away from Cassie and bent over, breathing hard. Not playing basketball with the guys might have been a good move for being a better parent, but it had definitely left him out of shape. He needed to start working out on his lunch hour or something.

  “Hey, yourself,” she said, digging the toe of her sneaker into the sand.

  Matt stayed bent over another several seconds, waiting to make sure he wasn’t going to heave. Pathetic. He remembered Cassie running up and down the soccer field as if it were nothing. Maybe he should sign the boys up for basketball and offer to coach.

  “Having a nice walk?” he finally managed to ask. “I would have gone with you.” He straightened and experienced a few seconds of vertigo before he began to feel right again.

  She shrugged. “I needed to do some thinking.”

  “And I just interrupted.” He gave her what he hoped was a look of chagrin.

  “Pretty much.” She smiled, softening the reprimand.

  If only his mother could communicate so nicely. “Want me to leave?” Matt asked. “I probably have it in me to run another ten feet. I could give you that much space at least.”

  Cassie shook her head. “No. I’m glad you’re here, actually. We need to talk.”

  Uh oh. “Need to talk” was never good. How many times had he heard that in his life, including this morning from his parents? But this was Cassie. They talked all the time, and it was great. There was no one he’d rather talk with.

  “What’s up?” He turned and stepped in beside her, shoving his hands in his pockets as they began walking back toward the house.

  “My life, my spirits,” she said, “since I met you.” She smiled at him sideways. Matt felt his own spirits soar with her compliment.

  “But my life is also up in the air; I’m suspended, waiting indefinitely for something to change.”

  “Waiting for Devon to wake up.” Or to die. He was despicable for thinking it, for wanting to be with Cassie as more than a friend. His parents were right. Who did he think he was, weaseling his way into her life as he had?

  She took a deep breath, then exhaled quickly and stopped walking. “Yes. I’m waiting for my husband to wake up.” She faced Matt, her eyes searching his in a way that pled for understanding. “I shouldn’t have come this weekend. I’m not being fair to you or to Austin and Asher and Noah. I can’t have feelings for you. It’s wrong. I’m wrong. Together we would be wrong. I need to go home. Right now. I’ll rent a car, and if it’s okay with you, you can bring Noah home on Sunday when you return. I’m sorry.”

  “Whoa.” Matt pulled his hands from his pockets and held them up, palms out as if to stop her from both leaving and telling him anything else. He didn’t want to hear it. He didn’t want her to leave. He didn’t want to do what he knew was the right thing.

  “I agree we have a bit of a problem— a challenging situation,” he quickly amended. I’m falling madly in love with you. You’re married, which makes me like, super creep or something.

  “An impossible situation,” Cassie amended. “Matt, this isn’t going to get any easier. Last night—” She stopped abruptly, pressing her lips together as if to keep from saying what she’d been about to.

  Matt thought of the picture his mom had on her phone. Was there any way she was right? Had Cassie wanted to kiss him? If so, she wasn’t saying.

  “When you teased me last night, it was the way a couple would tease. We’re not a couple. We can’t be.” Her voice broke on the last words, and it was all Matt could do not to take her in his arms.

  “I know that,” he said quietly. “We’re friends.” Without benefits. He was a jerk for suggesting, even teasing, about that changing. “I crossed a line. I’m really sorry, but you don’t have to go home. I’ll knock it off. I promise. It’s being around Mark that brings out the worst in me. He’s such a pain. Even so, I’ll be better.”

  “I like you fine the way you are.” Her voice was heavy with meaning and such sorrow that he imagined what the admission had cost her. Her next words were laced with guilt. “I like you too much, Matt. This is all my fault.”

  “Hardly.” He held his hands out again, palms up this time. “That’s not true at all Cassie. It takes two to, you know, want to tango. I’m the jerk who suggested it, but I won’t anymore. I promise. I won’t even sit on the same sofa as you tonight when we watch The Empire Strikes Back. If you cry when they freeze Han Solo, well too bad. You’re going to have to get a hug from my mom ’cause I am off limits, Mrs. Webb.”

  She looked away and dug the toe of her shoe in the sand again. “I don’t know. It’s Saturday, and I really should be with Devon.”

  You should be where you want to be, or where Noah
wants to be, at least. “Don’t hate me,” Matt prefaced the thought he was about to share, “but will Devon even know if you’re there?”

  She shot him the hurt look he’d expected.

  “Hear me out— please.”

  She nodded, looked at the ground, and continued to bury the top of her shoe.

  “For six years you’ve spent your weekends in town, your Fridays at Devon’s bedside. That is good and admirable, and there’s nothing wrong with spending the next six years being just as faithful. But—” He paused, praying for the right way to say this, to make it about her and not him at all. “It’s time for you to start living life, too.”

  “I do live—”

  “A better, fuller life,” he qualified.

  “By being with you, I suppose.” She folded her arms across her chest and thrust her weight onto one hip in a classic Cassie stance he’d come to love.

  “No. This has nothing to do with me. If we never saw each other again after today, I’d still hope you’d take this advice. I’m talking about you taking a Friday night out for yourself with some girlfriends.”

  “I don’t have any girlfriends.”

  Matt nodded. “Exactly, but wouldn’t it be nice if you did?”

  She shrugged in response. “My old friends are married, too, and I don’t want to hang out with them and hear them complain about their husbands or talk about their sex lives. I don’t need any more painful reminders of what I don’t have.”

  She had a good point, but so did he. “Forget the girlfriends then— for now. What if Noah plays pee wee football in a few years and the games are on Friday nights?”

  “Then I’ll switch my date night with Devon to Saturdays,” Cassie said.

  “That’s fine, too, but what about taking a week to go on vacation with Noah, to take him to Disneyland or Legoland or wherever he wants to go? You know you want to, and you could, but you’re afraid of going without Devon.”

  “Because he should be there with us, too,” Cassie cried, kicking her foot and sending the sand on her shoe flying. “Because I don’t want to do anything that will make him miss any more than he’s already missing!” She clamped a hand over her mouth as her eyes widened, then filled with tears of discovery.