Between Heaven and Earth

by Michele Paige Holmes

  “I have one more picture to take down tomorrow, and I need a really good, new memory to replace it, so even though I shouldn’t, I’m asking— will you and Noah spend the day with us tomorrow and help us get through the first anniversary of Jenna’s death? Please? I need you, Cassie.” There was a break in Matt’s voice, his solid tone wavering with his admission. “So do the boys. Please help us make tomorrow about more than losing their mother.”

  The message ended. Cassie sat unmoving, phone still clutched in her hand as fresh tears coursed down her face. The anniversary of Jenna’s death. How could I have forgotten? Because she’d been selfish, indulging in a pity party, thinking only of her own woes and completely disregarding Matt’s.

  Her earlier angry thoughts dissolved in guilt. She was a terrible, awful friend. Her inability to control her emotions and thoughts had hurt Matt, when that was the last thing he needed. It was hurting his children, too.

  I can’t spend a whole day with him. I have to. The two warring thoughts competed in her mind even as she sent him a text.

  “What time and where? Noah and I will be there.”

  “Thank you! Pick you up at 8. Dress warm.”

  His response was almost immediate, and Cassie pictured him sitting in his pristine bedroom, alone in that monstrous bed, surrounded by too many fluffy pillows and evidence of what he considered his failure.

  Dress warm didn’t tell her much; it was the end of January, so they needed to dress warm regardless of where they went, but she didn’t want to start a long conversation now. She’d just wait and be surprised.

  “K. You’re welcome. Night.”

  “Goodnight, Cassie.”

  She set her phone down, closed her eyes, and lay her head over her crossed arms again. Good wasn’t exactly what she’d call her evening. Tomorrow, on the other hand…

  How easily she’d justified going, but since she’d made that decision, she intended to be all in. Instead of a terrible day, she wanted it to be the best Matt and the boys had since moving to California. It would be great for Noah, too. He was going to be so excited when he woke up and found out. It was tempting to wake him and tell him now, but then neither of them would sleep.

  Cassie found she didn’t mind her lack of sleepiness as much as she had a half hour ago. Instead of lying awake missing Devon, she’d be anticipating tomorrow and an entire day with Matt and their boys. Regardless of what he had planned, she really couldn’t think of anything she’d rather be doing than spending the day with the five of them together.

  Matt walked around to the passenger side of his truck, opened the door, and waited as Cassie and Noah descended the stairs from their apartment. “Good morning.”

  “It is, isn’t it,” Cassie said pleasantly, leaning her head back to take in the clear sky. She wore a pink sweater and matching knit hat, much like the one she’d worn in Oregon but different because he’d given her this one for Christmas. Matt had noticed she had a hat in almost every color except pink. It looked good on her. He kept the observation to himself, not wanting to start off on the wrong foot. That she’d agreed to spending the day with him was no small miracle, and he didn’t intend to squander it.

  He closed the door behind her, helped an overly excited Noah into the backseat, then climbed into his own.

  “Have you had breakfast?” he asked, holding a box of Krispy Kreme donuts out to Cassie. “I picked them up in Roseville on my way home from work yesterday, but I popped them into the microwave this morning so they’re warm.”

  Noah reached over the seat eagerly. “You always have donuts.”

  “Not always.” Matt shook his head. “Or I’d start to look like a donut. Today is special.”

  “No, it’s not,” Austin said.

  “Is, too,” Asher said.

  “It is because we’re together.” Matt gave each of the boys a look, then started the truck. “Who wants to guess where we’re going first?”

  “First?” Cassie asked. “We’re going more than one place?” She took a donut from the box.

  “Yeah— if that’s okay.” He glanced at her sideways as he backed out of her gravel drive and onto the highway. “Is there something else you need to do today? A time you have to be home by?” He really hoped not.

  “Nope. I’m all yours— today.” She looked out her window, but not before Matt caught her look of chagrin.

  “Great,” he said, ignoring her comment that he was sure was a mistake. Nothing had changed or could change between them. He saw the day for what it was— a mercy date— and he was okay with that, grateful.

  The clock on the dash said 8:05. Five and twenty-six minutes. He wasn’t sure why he was mentally counting down the time. He didn’t want to think about what had happened at 1:31 p.m. a year ago, but he couldn’t seem to help it.

  He headed toward Sacramento, the boys chatting happily in the back seat. Matt flipped on the radio, thinking that some music might ease the awkwardness that had settled between him and Cassie, but the DJs or fate must have had something against him this morning. Every station he flipped to played a song— from Jason Mraz’s “I Won’t Give Up” to Christina Perri’s “A Thousand Years”— that seemed loaded with meaning he didn’t want to think about and certainly didn’t want Cassie thinking of.

  “So.” Cassie reached forward and switched off the radio, saving him the task. “Where are we going?”

  “Today is all about the sights, sounds, and tastes of California. We’re going to experience a few of the things this golden state has to offer.”

  “Starting with—”

  “I can’t just tell you,” Matt said. “Guessing is half the fun.” He hoped it wasn’t actually and that the places they were going to would be quite a bit of fun, for the boys at least. When the boys were having a good time, he and Cassie usually were as well. “Our first stop is in Sacramento to a place that makes some serious candy. I’ve passed it on my way to and from interviews a few times.”

  “I know where we’re going.” Cassie smiled. “How about you, boys? Do you know what candy is made in Sacramento?”

  All three shook their heads.

  “I’m not telling then. You’ll just have to wait.” Cassie shared a conspiratorial grin with Matt. “Good choice. They’ll love it.”

  The drive passed quickly after that with the boys shouting guesses from the back seat, and Noah exclaiming over everything they saw as they came into Sacramento. Again, Matt was reminded of how little Noah and Cassie traveled. They lived so close to so many things, yet she stayed cloistered in their little community. Matt had seen what she could be like when set free of those restrictions, and he hoped to see that same woman today, the one with a quick sense of humor who’d given him a run for his money in one-on-one basketball.

  He needn’t have worried. She reappeared again as soon as they pulled into the parking lot of the Jelly Belly factory. Cassie was the first one with her door open, bounding toward the building to get them a spot in the line already forming outside. Matt and the boys joined her, and for the next hour, the paper-hat-topped entourage sampled, giggled, and shopped their way through the factory tour and store. They posed for a picture altogether at the end, then Matt lugged about ten pounds of Jelly Bellies to the truck.

  “You’re taking at least half of these home,” he threatened as he exaggerated heaving the sack into the back seat.

  Cassie laughed. “I don’t think so. That donut this morning did damage enough.”

  “Don’t worry,” Matt said. “You’re going to walk it off.” He popped a movie in the overhead DVD player for the boys, then headed for their next destination.

  “Where will I be walking all this sugar off?” Cassie tucked her feet sideways beneath her and leaned against the door, facing him.

  It was a look Matt loved, as if she felt completely comfortable and planned to stay a while. “You know the rules. Guessing—”

  “Only,” Cassie finished. “In that case, I’m going to nap a while and see where we ar
e when I wake up.”

  “Haven’t been sleeping well?” Matt asked, concerned, remembering that had been a problem when they’d first met. One of the many, unfortunate, things they had in common.

  “Not particularly,” Cassie said. “You?”

  He gave a false laugh. “Hardly. But don’t worry. I’m plenty awake enough to drive. You nap.”

  “Thanks, Matt.” Her voice and smile overflowed with gratitude, reminding him just how much he’d missed not only being with Cassie but doing things for her. She curled up and went to sleep while he navigated the traffic for the next hour and a half until they were nearing Sausalito.

  Noon, the clock on the dashboard read as the boys’ movie ended. Austin appeared to be doing better than he had been this morning. Nothing like a friend and an overdose of candy to cheer a boy up.

  Matt followed the GPS directions to the parking lot where they’d catch the ferry. He’d never been to this part of the state before and had enjoyed the drive, but the ride across the bay promised to be even better. He parked the car and looked over at Cassie, still sleeping soundly. It seemed she’d slept poorly more than a few nights lately. He hated to wake her, but the boys were clamoring to get out.

  “Cassie.” He touched her shoulder. “We’re here.”

  He unbuckled her seatbelt, and she stretched, slow and languid. Matt looked away, but the damage had already been done as he imagined waking up with her each morning and watching her. Then persuading her to stay in bed a little longer. If she’d read his thoughts, no doubt his head would have been against the dashboard.

  “Where are—” The words died in her throat as Cassie turned in her seat to look at their surroundings. “Oh, Matt.” One hand went to her chest as she looked at him, her eyes brimming with tears.

  “I didn’t know San Francisco was off limits. I should have asked. We don’t have to go.”

  “I love San Francisco.” She flung herself at him and threw her arms around his neck, then buried her face there and cried.

  Matt froze, then awkwardly patted her back while trying to send a reassuring look to the trio in the back seat, who’d ceased their chatter and were watching the scene with rapt interest.

  After only a few seconds, Cassie pulled away, wiped at her eyes, and smiled. “I do love the city, and I haven’t been here in so long. I haven’t had the courage to come.”

  “Ever taken Noah?” Matt asked.

  She shook her head. “I should have.” She turned to him. “This city is special, to me, to your dad, and hopefully after today, to Matt and Austin and Asher as well.” Her smile widened. “Come on! Let’s go.” She slid her feet into her shoes and was out of the truck before Matt could come around to open her door.

  With the three boys between them all holding hands, they walked to the ferry terminal, and Matt purchased their tickets. They boarded a few minutes later, and Matt soon found himself watching Cassie instead of the bay; the emotions filtering across her face were so many and so intense. He wanted to ask why San Francisco was so special. Maybe by the day’s end, she’d tell him. Maybe he didn’t want to know.

  Her hands clasped in front of her and absolute joy filled her face at the first view of the Golden Gate. “Isn’t it beautiful?” she said.

  It was, but Cassie’s beauty still held his attention. The closest he’d seen her to this happy was in Oregon out on his Dad’s boat. She’d seemed to come to life that day. Here was that girl again, laughing and talking almost non-stop, telling stories about the city, pointing out Alcatraz and then Treasure Island to the fascinated boys.

  All too soon, the ride ended, leaving them in San Francisco but far from the more touristy part of town Matt desired.

  “It’s a pretty far walk to the cable car and Pier 39,” Cassie said. “I’m up for it, but I don’t think our boys will make it.”

  “I didn’t realize how far it would be,” Matt said, staring at the number one on the building. He should have known. Thirty-nine wasn’t exactly close to one. “We’ll take a taxi,” he said, noting how many had driven by. He hailed one quickly, and ten minutes later they were at the pier and headed toward the restaurant Cassie recommended.

  The wind outside was chilly, but the chowder in sourdough bowls both filled and warmed them. From there they watched a juggling show, rode the two-story carousel, and let the boys all crank pennies through a smashed penny machine.

  “Look, Mom. Sea lions!” Noah pulled away from Cassie’s grasp and ran for a closer look at the animals sunning themselves on the floating dock. “They have them here, too, not just in Oregon.”

  “They have more than Oregon.” Asher pointed at each, counting aloud and getting lost somewhere in the twenties.

  Matt stood at the rail beside Cassie and nudged her shoulder. “You really need to take your kid out more often.”

  “I know.” She sighed. “I owe you for showing me that, for reminding me again. Noah’s best days are always with you.”

  “I wasn’t talking about Noah,” Matt said. “I was talking about you, about that girl inside, buried beneath all of life’s burdens. You know, the one who likes to come out and play and is really good at it.”

  “I’m glad she’s still in there,” Cassie said. “Sometimes I’m afraid she’s gone for good.”

  “I won’t let her disappear entirely,” Matt vowed, then instantly wondered if Cassie would take that wrong. She didn’t.

  “Promise?” she asked.

  “I’ll even shake on it.” He held his hand out, knowing he was really pushing things now. To hold her hand for just a few seconds.

  Cassie looked down at his hand, then lifted her gaze to his and leaned in quickly and kissed his cheek. “That’s how a promise is made between you and me.”

  Matt gripped the weathered rail as his senses reeled. “Cassie?”

  “Nothing has changed,” she hurried to tell him, “but you need to know that I care about you, so much, and we are more than something that just happened. We were meant to be friends, to help each other.”

  She looked away then, and Matt glanced down at his watch for something to distract his mind from her nearness. 1:31 pm. He squeezed his eyes shut, remembering how the front of the van had been crushed from the head on collision. But he was able to stop himself there, keeping memories of Jenna at the hospital at bay.

  Instead he thought of Cassie and the sweet kiss she’d given him at just the moment he’d been dreading. Did she realize what time it was? He doubted it. She wasn’t wearing a watch and hadn’t had her phone out to take pictures for a while. Matt swallowed with difficulty and glanced around, feeling the need for a drink of something a lot stronger than water. It wasn’t because he was overwhelmed with grief as he’d worried he would be at 1:31 p.m. and beyond.

  He missed Jenna. He’d loved her. Part of him always would. But another part of him loved Cassie, and knowing she also had feelings for him but was too loyal to her husband to ever act on those feelings was killing him.

  “Know what you need?” Cassie asked, looking up at him with an impish smile.

  You. He didn’t say it. He’d behave himself and be as good as she was if it did kill him.

  “Chocolate,” Cassie said. “The best chocolate you’ve ever tasted.”

  “Ghiradelli.” Matt lifted his face and breathed in deeply, as if he could smell it already. That had been on his short list of must do’s today.

  “Come on, boys,” Cassie called to Noah, Asher, and Austin. “It’s time for ice cream sundaes.”

  At Ghiradelli Square they shared a booth and three sundaes— none of which they were able to finish— then waited in line and rode the cable car. Cassie seemed to know everything about the city and proved to be a great tour guide even while wearing the parental safety hat and making sure none of the boys leapt off the moving car.

  When she suggested they get off for more sightseeing Matt agreed, then found himself as fascinated as the boys as he stood looking up at the Dragon Gate marking the entrance to Ch
inatown.

  “Did you know this is the oldest Chinatown in North America?” Cassie asked as she led them down a street crowded with as many tourists as Chinese.

  “Even older than the one in New York?” Matt asked.

  “Since the 1840s,” Cassie said, “one of the few things I remember from my high school California history class.”

  “Lead on, oh qualified guide,” Matt said. “These are my state tax dollars at work right here.”

  The boys wanted fortune cookies, so Matt picked up a bag as they were leaving one of the shops.

  “Pearl?” Cassie said behind him.

  “You want to get one?” Matt pulled out a ten and handed it to the cashier. It didn’t surprise him that Chinatown had one of those stands like they did in Hawaii and quite a few of the cities he’d visited. “I bet the boys would love to see the oyster opened.”

  Cassie shook her head. “Not a pearl. Pearl— a person. Back in a minute. Watch the boys.”

  She ran from the store, leaving Matt more than a little confused and with six hands to pry from the candy, lighters, fans, hats, and other tempting items for sale near the register.

  “Cookies,” he said, holding the bag above the boys and luring them out the door with it. By the time they made it outside, Cassie was returning, walking down the street toward them, her lips pursed and expression serious.

  “Stand against the wall, and you can each have a cookie.” Matt pointed to the large window framing the shop they’d just left. The boys lined up, and he doled out a cookie to each so he’d have a minute to figure out what was up with Cassie. “Austin, read your brother’s fortune to him.”

  “Did you find what or who you were looking for?” Matt asked when Cassie reached them.

  She shook her head. “I’m not even sure it was her. I mean, look at this place. There are probably quite a few women here who could fit her description.” She leaned around him to peer up and down the street once more.

  “I’m sorry,” Matt said. “Was she an old friend? Someone you could look up when you get home?” He wasn’t quite sure why Cassie seemed so agitated.