Between Heaven and Earth

by Michele Paige Holmes

  As for Matt— Six months ago she’d loved him, and he’d had feelings for her. Had that changed? Is there a chance it hasn’t?

  “Be right there.” Cassie tugged free of Noah’s grasp and hurried to her room. She opened the top dresser drawer, dug around for a second, then pulled out a small box.

  She stared at the ring on her finger a long minute, then slid it from its place for the first time in ten years.

  “Look, Dad,” Austin said. “There’s Noah’s car.” Matt looked up from the collection of items he’d haphazardly thrown together in his coach’s bag to spot the Nissan pulling into a parking stall.

  Cassie. Just seeing her name on the list when he’d signed up to coach had been enough to send him into a pleasant déjà vu of last fall. He couldn’t wait to get out on the field with her again, even if they were only coaching today. Just seeing her as she stepped from her car was enough to get his adrenaline pumping.

  She got out and walked around to the trunk. Matt started over, enjoying the opportunity to watch her when she was unaware. Her long hair was pulled back in a braid, and he recognized the hat on her head from last year. She wore Bermuda shorts and a red shirt, and the combination somehow reminded him of the day they’d spent crabbing on his dad’s boat, one of the best days they’d spent together. She closed the trunk and straightened just as he reached her.

  “Hi, Matt!” Noah exclaimed, running up and giving him a big hug. Matt crouched down, hugging Noah in return and realizing just how much he’d missed him. A year ago he’d barely been able to handle his own boys, and now, in addition to loving them, he yearned for the opportunity to be Noah’s father as well.

  “Are Austin and Asher here?” Noah asked, pulling back at last.

  “Right over there.” Matt inclined his head toward the field.

  “Thanks.” Noah ran off to greet the boys, and Matt stood once more and found himself dangerously close to Cassie.

  If only she’d run up and give me a hug, too. He was tempted to give her one regardless, but Janet’s admonition to give Cassie some time rang through his mind. It hasn’t even been three months. Three months out from Jenna’s death, he’d been a train wreck. That Cassie was here, business as usual, coaching soccer, was seriously impressive.

  “Can I help with that?” He reached out, taking her bag, though he knew she was more than capable of carrying it. Some months earlier, she’d pointed out to him that she still toted Noah around on occasion, and he weighed far more than a couple bags of groceries or, in this case, her soccer stuff. It didn’t matter. He wanted to help anyway. He’d missed that.

  “Thanks.” Her hand fell away quickly, but not before he noted the absence of her wedding ring.

  Tread carefully. “It’s good to see you, Cassie.”

  “You, too.” Her smile was tentative and fleeting, her demeanor far more subdued than he remembered. The death of a spouse could do that to a person.

  “Mat-ty.” From the opposite end of the parking lot, Ellen, one of his mother’s matchmaking attempts, hurried toward him, waving as she came. He groaned inwardly.

  She hobbled toward them, still adjusting a sandal or something. “Oh, Matty. Wait for me.”

  Cassie arched a brow at this greeting, as if to say, “Really?”

  “Old friend from home,” he explained.

  “Whatever you say, Matty.” Cassie flipped her braid over her shoulder, took her bag from him, and walked toward the field, crossing paths with Ellen on her way.

  Cassie’s hurt, he realized, wanting to run after her and explain, even as his spirits soared at the possibility that she still had feelings for him.

  “The little boys are just so darling,” Ellen exclaimed as she reached him a few seconds later. “I’m so glad you invited me for the weekend.”

  Her voice was loud enough that Matt was sure Cassie’d heard, and it was all he could do not to run up to her and tell her it wasn’t what she was thinking. He hadn’t invited Ellen down for the weekend. She’d come on her own, and he didn’t want her here, didn’t have any interest in seeing her again. Two dates the month he was in Oregon had been more than enough.

  I’m not ready to date again. He’d told his meddling mother. He wasn’t interested in getting to know other women. He wasn’t searching for someone to replace Jenna.

  But he did want the woman who’d become his best friend last year back in his life. And when he got her back, this time he wasn’t going to let her go.

  Cassie buckled Noah into the booster seat in the back of her mom’s Subaru. “Thanks for picking us up, Mom.” She closed Noah’s door and let herself into the front passenger seat. “My car should be fixed by tomorrow.”

  “For how long?” Mom asked as they pulled out of the school parking lot.

  “I know.” Cassie sighed as she leaned back against the headrest. “I need to get a new car.”

  “It would be a valid use of some of Devon’s insurance money. He would want you to be safe and happy.”

  Cassie swallowed, not liking the hint of the lecture she knew was coming. “I’m trying, Mom. I really am, but if I use that money it’s like—”

  “What?” her mom prodded. She looked over at Cassie as they came to the stop sign in front of the crosswalk. “Like acknowledging that Devon is really gone? That he’s not coming back?”

  “Yeah.” Cassie’s voice was soft. She didn’t want to have this conversation right now. It wasn’t one they should have in front of Noah. She glanced behind her and saw that he was busy leafing through the book order that had been sent home.

  “I’d tell you that kind of thinking is silly, but it isn’t,” Mom said, surprising her. “I felt the same way when your father died. Why do you think it took me years to finally go on a cruise? To get a new furnace? To give the rest of his clothes to Goodwill?”

  “Oh, Mom.” Cassie placed her hand over her mom’s on the steering wheel. “I didn’t realize.”

  “I know, dear.” Her mom smiled kindly. “You were still a newlywed when it happened, and later you had your own tragedy to deal with.”

  “But still.” Cassie grimaced. “I’m so selfish. I’m sorry I gave you a bad time about the cruise last year. I’m glad you went.”

  “Me, too. And I wouldn’t say that you’re selfish.” Her mom returned her attention to the road and pulled forward. “You’re afraid of what’s next, of letting go of the past.”

  “I let Devon go, didn’t I?” Cassie said defensively.

  “Have you?”

  “I forgave him like you told me to. I told him he could leave us, that we’d be all right.” They would be, though she was struggling to find purpose in her life. Being Noah’s mom and setting up her practice should have been enough, so why wasn’t it?

  “Telling Devon he could go was only part of the equation. You have to really let him go. And—” Her mom inclined her head toward the back seat. “You don’t have the luxury of another seven years to figure out how to do that.”

  Cassie said nothing to this. It wasn’t like her mom to be quite so direct in her advice, and Cassie wasn’t one for arguing, not when Mom had done so much for her. Not when she’s right, she imagined Pearl saying. It really was too bad Pearl had never met her mother. Cassie had a feeling that they would have been good friends. They would have understood each other. Perhaps Pearl was even a widow herself or had experienced the tragedy of lost love.

  “The leaves are changing quickly,” Mom noted. “We need to get our autumn hike in before it’s too late and they’re gone.”

  “Can I come, Grandma?” Noah asked.

  “Of course. You’re our best leaf collector, and I need some new ones.”

  “Thanks.” Noah gripped their seat backs and leaned forward between them. “Are we going right now?”

  “Where are we going?” They’d missed the turn off for her apartment, and Cassie hadn’t even noticed.

  “A quick errand,” her mom said vaguely.

  “You sure you couldn’t drop us o
ff at home first?” Cassie asked. “It’s been a long day.” She always felt tired lately. A sign of depression, the therapist in her warned. Cassie dismissed the self-diagnosis and chalked up her lethargy to her inability to sleep. She missed having Noah in the same room.

  Mom glanced over at her. “You don’t look like you’ve had a long day. You look very pretty.”

  “Thanks.” Cassie said, suddenly wary. “What is this errand? Am I supposed to look nice right now?”

  “It never hurts.” Her mother smiled, then turned onto Bancroft Road. The only thing Cassie could think of that was up this way was the park. Sure enough, her mom pulled the Subaru into the lot closest to the ball fields and right next to a shiny Chevy Silverado.

  “That’s Matt’s truck. Austin and Asher are here! Look, Mom.” Noah was already unbuckling his seatbelt.

  “Whoa there, kiddo.” Cassie’s mom reached back to stop him from leaving the car. “Austin and Asher aren’t here right now. Just their dad.”

  “Oh.”

  Cassie turned in her seat to see Noah’s face fall, then brighten almost instantly. “That’s okay. I still want to see Matt.”

  “Not right now.” Her mom kept a hold of Noah’s arm while sending Cassie a pointed look. “He and your mom are going to talk for a bit. You and I are going to go to the store and pick out some good Halloween candy.”

  “We already got some last week,” Noah said.

  “I ate it all,” she admitted with a wry smile. “This time you’ll have to hide it better.”

  “Oh, Mom,” Cassie said, half-amused and half-exasperated with her. “You know it’s hopeless to buy candy a month before Halloween and expect it to last at your house. What do you mean Matt and I are going to talk? He’s dating someone else. Whose idea was this?”

  “His, and he’s not dating anyone.” Mom hit the unlock button for the door. “Don’t keep him waiting, and don’t worry about being too long. Noah and I will pick up something for dinner, too. I’ll make sure he does his reading.”

  Noah groaned and flopped himself against the backseat. “No fair.”

  “Be good for Grandma,” Cassie admonished, her mind elsewhere. She gripped the door handle but didn’t pull. Her heart was already thudding in her chest. Why does he want to talk to me? She stared at her mom, trying to read her expression for clues. “Did you tell him—”

  “Last summer,” Janet said matter-of-factly.

  “Oh.” And Matt never called me? He never sent a note or said anything when I saw him last week.

  “I suggested to him that you might need a little space and time to process. If that was the wrong thing to say, I’m sorry.” Mom gave Cassie’s hand a gentle squeeze.

  “No. That was the right thing. That was good,” Cassie assured her.

  “But you’ve had nearly three months now,” Mom continued, “and a few years before that to prepare. You can’t live in the past forever, sweetheart. You’ve got to take a step forward.”

  “A step? You think that’s what this is?”

  Her mom shrugged. “Only you can make that decision.”

  And Matt. Cassie felt equally parts terrified of and grateful for her mother’s meddling. She turned in her seat and touched her finger to Noah’s downturned nose. “How about if I talk to Matt about a play date with Austin and Asher? We can make it a late night and get pizza, and I’ll let you guys build a giant fort in the front room.”

  “Okay,” Noah said, still sounding a little forlorn.

  “Be good for Grandma,” Cassie said. “She doesn’t like Tootsie Pops. If you buy those, they’ll stay safe.”

  “Chocolate bars are better,” her mother grumbled with good humor.

  Cassie opened the door and got out. A quick peek inside Matt’s truck confirmed it was empty, so she walked to the edge of the field and waited. The sound of her mom’s car faded as she drove away, leaving Cassie feeling alone and vulnerable. The field was empty— no soccer games on Friday evenings— and the sun was already starting to sink behind the trees on the west side. She pulled her hat down lower on her head and crossed her arms to ward off the chill.

  All right, Matt. Where are you?

  As if he’d been waiting for her to summon him, Matt stepped from the shadow of the trees on the other side of the field. For a long minute, neither moved but stood staring at one another.

  Joys are often the shadows cast by sorrow. Was this, was Matt, her joy? She’d had a fleeting hope of that last week, but then it had appeared she was too late. And if I was wrong?

  A step forward. A few steps, a short talk. Such simple acts, but she felt their weight on her heart with an innate knowledge that those actions somehow held the ability to alter the course of her life. While memories of last autumn beckoned her toward Matt, she honestly didn’t know if she had the courage to go to him, to truly leave the past and Devon behind and risk opening her heart to another future.

  As if he also knew of and understood her hesitation, Matt hadn’t moved either but waited across the field. He wasn’t going to force her to this. He was waiting. For me. For us.

  I want to see Matt. Noah’s voice in her head finally urged Cassie forward. Her mom was right; she didn’t have another seven years to grieve. Noah needed her now. He needed her at her best, and Matt had seemed to bring that out. With her arms still wrapped in front of her, Cassie started toward him, her heartbeat quickening with each step that brought them closer.

  He looked much as he had on that fall day a year ago, fitted jeans, untucked denim shirt, hair a bit unruly on top, though she could tell it was recently cut. As they drew closer, she noted the five o’clock shadow along his jawline and the almost somber look in his hazel eyes.

  Her heart lurched a little. “Is everything all right?” she asked when they were just a few feet away.

  “I hope so,” he said, his eyes lightening a little. His mouth curved up as his gaze met Cassie’s. “Better, anyway, now that you’re here. I wasn’t sure you’d agree to come.”

  “I didn’t agree to anything,” Cassie said. “My mom tricked me, literally dumped me on the side of the road.”

  A full-fledged grin appeared. “I love your mom.”

  “Me, too,” Cassie said. “Usually.” But she couldn’t help returning his smile. “So everything with your boys is okay? Asher and Austin are good?”

  “They’re great. What a difference a year and some good parenting tips has made.” Matt shoved his hands in his pockets. “I owe you.”

  “Only an explanation why I’m here.” Cassie glanced around, as if expecting the answer to appear.

  “Walk with me?” Matt asked, half-turning toward the tree line. She nodded and fell into step beside him.

  “How was your summer?” he asked.

  “Hard.” She frowned and looked up at him sharply. “But you already know that. My mom said she told you.”

  Hands still in his pockets, Matt nodded. “I’m sorry. Really. I want you to believe that, Cassie. I know what it feels like to bury your spouse and then try to go on living. I wouldn’t wish what we’ve each gone through on anyone, especially not on someone as good and kind as you.”

  “I know you understand, more than anyone else.” Even more than her mom. She’d raised her children by the time Dad died. Or maybe that made it harder? Cassie hadn’t considered that before. She couldn’t imagine what she would have done without Noah to care for, to fill her life with purpose and happiness.

  “Do you mind if I ask what happened?” Matt asked. “Was Devon still at the same care center?”

  “I don’t mind.” Just as their conversations had been the previous year, Cassie found herself wanting to tell Matt everything. Talking to him was cathartic rather than painful. She knew there would be no judgment or platitudes, only understanding and genuine empathy. “Devon was still at the care center. Pearl came back, too.”

  “Pearl?” Matt’s brow drew together quizzically. “The woman who wouldn’t let you visit with Devon the first night you
and I really talked, at the cafeteria in the hospital? The same woman you thought you saw in Chinatown?”

  Cassie nodded. She looked at the ground, the toe of her boot playing with the dry twigs scattered beneath the trees. If California didn’t get some rain soon, the state was really going to be in trouble.

  Much like you, she imagined Pearl saying. You have gone so long without a drink, and your well is almost dry. It is time to let love in your life once more, to replenish the bucket you so freely give from.

  “Last fall Pearl told me that it was time to let Devon go. She said he’d been waiting for me to set him free, and until I did, he was lingering in a state somewhere between Heaven and Earth when really, he wanted to be free, to move on.”

  “That’s pretty heavy stuff from a stranger,” Matt said.

  “I know, right?” Cassie lifted her face and met his gaze. “I was angry. And hurt and upset. I thought it was the cruelest thing anyone could say and that Pearl was just a lazy nurse who didn’t want to do her job.”

  “And you talked to her again this summer because?” Matt’s face scrunched in a perplexed look.

  “Last fall she also told me that I could be happy again, that if I would just open my heart to new possibilities, Noah and I would have much love and joy.” Cassie shrugged. “Then I went to the hospital cafeteria, and you were there. We became friends.” With feelings for each other that ran much deeper than that.

  “That’s even more providential than that woman who gave me the team roster with your phone number on it,” Matt said.

  Cassie felt the hairs at the back of her neck stand up, and she rubbed her arms against the sudden onset of goosebumps that had nothing to do with the chill autumn air. “What are you talking about? What woman?”

  “Right after you left the game, the day that Austin pushed Noah, this Asian lady gave me a paper with your number on it. She suggested that you might appreciate a follow-up call to see how Noah was doing. I stuck the paper in my jeans and forgot about it for a day or two until I was doing laundry. That’s when I got it out and called you.”