Outback Husband

by Jessica Hart

  Juliet took the letters automatically. She had cried herself out eventually, but when she had dragged herself to bed she had been unable to sleep. She had just lain there, curled up as if to ward off a blow, while Cal’s final words hammered in her brain and the knowledge of his deception raked at her heart.

  Her eyes were swollen, and she felt sick and shaky with misery and the lack of sleep. Maggie had taken one look at her face when she arrived, and taken the children into the kitchen. Dimly, Juliet could hear their voices in the background. Maggie and Natalie must have known the truth, but they hadn’t told her. That hurt almost as much as everything else.

  Never had Juliet felt so lonely or so close to despair. She sat on the verandah and for want of anything else to do looked dully through the post. There was a letter from her mother, a couple from friends, but she didn’t have the heart to open them. The rest were probably bills, and she couldn’t face opening them either. At the very bottom of the pile was a letter postmarked ‘Sydney’. It was the only one that she couldn’t identify and she ripped it open incuriously, her mind on Cal. Where was he? What was he doing? Would he really go, as he’d said? And what would she do then?

  Survive, Juliet told herself grittily. She had survived alone before and she would do it again. There was nothing else she could do. She had the twins, and she had Wilparilla. She would make it on her own.

  Absorbed in her thoughts, she was halfway through the letter before she realised what she was reading, and her eyes darkened with despair. It was from Hugo’s parents, the very last people she wanted to hear from. Why did they have to write to her now, of all times? Juliet forced herself to go back to the beginning and read it again. When she had finished she laid it on her lap and gazed unseeingly out at the outback glare for a long time, before she rose stiffly to her feet, fetched her hat and went to find Cal.

  CHAPTER TEN

  HE WAS down by the stockyards, fixing one of the race gates with a sort of concentrated fury. He looked up briefly as Juliet approached, then went back to wrenching a stubborn piece of metal into position, furious with himself for the instinctive leap of his heart at the sight of her. She looked as bad as he felt, with puffy eyes and misery etched into every line of her face, but her head was still tilted at the gallant angle he loved, and he wanted nothing so much as to put his arms around her and make everything right for her.

  Except that he had left it too late for that.

  Juliet watched him, choked with conflicting emotions. She loved him, she hated him, she didn’t know what she felt for him any more. All she knew was that he had lied to her.

  She swallowed, looked across at the expanse of empty yards. ‘Have you spoken to Natalie yet?’ she asked at last. Her throat was so constricted that her voice came out tight and hard.

  ‘Not yet, no.’ Cal carried on savagely yanking at the metal with the pliers. He couldn’t have explained to himself why he was bothering, but, like Juliet, he hadn’t slept the night before and he wasn’t thinking clearly. He had been unable to face Natalie that morning, and he had needed to work off his feelings doing something physical. ‘Don’t worry, I haven’t forgotten. I’ll tell her when I’ve finished this.’

  ‘I…I had a letter this morning,’ said Juliet, but her throat closed up completely and she couldn’t go on. She could only stand there, looking away from him, her lips pressed together in a straight line while she struggled against humiliating tears.

  Cal heard her voice waver and he looked up at her averted face. ‘A letter?’ he said in a different voice.

  Juliet nodded. ‘From Hugo’s parents,’ she managed. ‘They’re in Sydney. They want to come up and see Kit and Andrew.’

  Cal laid the pliers on the gatepost and took off his hat so that he could wipe his forehead with the back of his arm. ‘They’re their grandparents,’ he reminded her.

  ‘I know,’ she said, twisting her hands together. ‘But you don’t know what they’re like. They’ll come here and they’ll hate it, then they’ll make me take the twins back to England.’

  ‘They can’t make you do anything you don’t want to do,’ said Cal carefully.

  ‘They can! They can do whatever they want! Look how they packed Hugo and I out to Australia.’ Juliet could hear the edge of rising hysteria in her voice, and clamped her mouth shut. She made herself breathe slowly. ‘I’m afraid of them,’ she confessed, shame-faced. ‘I’m afraid they’ll try and control the twins’ lives the way they controlled Hugo’s.’

  Cal didn’t answer immediately. He had never heard Juliet admit that she was afraid of anything before. ‘Can’t you tell them it’s not a convenient time for them to come?’

  ‘They’ll come anyway,’ said Juliet. She took a deep breath. ‘Cal, you know I…I asked you to leave yesterday?’

  Cal would have said that she had told him rather than asked him, but there wasn’t much point in quibbling. ‘Yes?’

  ‘I haven’t changed my mind,’ she said quickly. ‘I still think it would be better if you did go but…but would you stay until Hugo’s parents have been?’ she finished in a rush. ‘If there’s no manager here when they come, it’ll be obvious that I haven’t got things under control, and they’ll start pressurising me to leave—’

  Juliet stopped as she realised what she had said. Why was she asking Cal to help her? He wanted her to leave more than Hugo’s parents ever would. ‘Forget it,’ she said dully. ‘It doesn’t matter.’

  She made to turn away but Cal put out a hand. ‘Juliet, wait,’ he said, remembering just in time not to touch her. Didn’t she know that he would do whatever he could for her? ‘I’ll stay as long as you want.’

  She swallowed. ‘Thank you,’ she said huskily.

  ‘Can I give you some advice?’

  ‘Not if it’s to tell me to give in and sell anyway,’ she said, with a flash of her old spirit.

  ‘No, it’s not that,’ said Cal evenly. ‘I was just going to suggest that you arrange to meet Hugo’s parents somewhere else. They don’t have to come here at all. You could say that you would take the twins to see them, somewhere like the Barrier Reef. It would be neutral territory for all of you, where they could see their grandchildren and you wouldn’t have to feel defensive about the way you’re bringing them up.’

  ‘I don’t want to see them at all,’ she said stubbornly. ‘They haven’t bothered with Kit and Andrew up to now, so why should they suddenly expect to have a say in their lives?’

  ‘You don’t know yet that that’s what they want to do,’ Cal pointed out, wondering how he could be having such a reasonable argument with her when only last night he had been so angry with her he could hardly speak. ‘If you don’t see them now, you’ll always be wondering when they’re going to turn up. They won’t disappear. They’ll always be Kit and Andrew’s grandparents.’

  Juliet said nothing, but at least she was listening. ‘Why don’t you take the boys to see them?’ he said. ‘You’re not the girl they knew before, Juliet. You’ve changed, and maybe they have as well. If anyone knows how hard it is to persuade you to do something you don’t want to do, it’s me,’ he added with a twisted smile. ‘You don’t need to worry about Hugo’s parents making you do anything.’

  He glanced at her averted face. ‘Have a break, Juliet,’ he said gently. ‘I know you think I’m prejudiced, but you need to get away from Wilparilla for a bit. Think about things while you’re away. I’ll look after things here until you get back, and then, if you still want me to go, I’ll go.’

  Juliet looked down at Wilparilla from the air. She could see the homestead roof flashing in the sunlight, the glint of water in the creek, the wide brown plain, dotted with dusty, spindly trees, stretching out to the shimmering horizon. She was so glad to be home that she wanted to cry.

  Juliet couldn’t explain why she felt so strongly about this harsh, unforgiving, beautiful land. She knew only that the thought of losing it gripped like a cold hand around her heart. And that the thought of living here without
Cal was unendurable.

  She had had plenty of time to think over the last ten days. Cal had been right; she had needed to get away. When she had left she had been too raw with hurt and anger to think clearly, but while she was away she had lain at night and listened to the sea breaking against the reef and the truth had seemed obvious. Her need for Cal was greater than any sense of bitterness. She wanted to stay at Wilparilla, and she wanted Cal there too.

  The previous night, Juliet had walked alone along the beach and made her decision. ‘If you still want me to go, I’ll go,’ he had said. Well, she didn’t want him to go, and she was going to ask him if Wilparilla meant enough to him to marry her for it.

  ‘I wouldn’t want Wilparilla at that price.’ Cal had said that too, but Juliet was hoping she could persuade him that the price was worth paying. So what if she would know that the land meant more to him than she did? They would have other things going for them. Their physical relationship had been fantastic, whatever Cal said. They had been friends before she had found out what he really wanted; surely they could be friends again. Natalie needed a mother, Kit and Andrew needed a father. Wouldn’t it be worth putting their differences aside to give their children the chance to grow up as a family?

  It had all seemed so reasonable when Juliet had rehearsed the arguments last night, but now, stealing a sideways glance at Cal’s set profile, her doubts resurfaced. He had met them off the plane at Mount Isa to fly them back to Wilparilla, but there was a tension about him that made her nervous. He had managed a smile for Kit and Andrew, who had thrown themselves at him in delight, but he had hardly looked at Juliet, and it was impossible to know what he was thinking.

  Cal was a proud man, she reminded herself. What if he refused? What if he had meant those angry words he had flung at her that terrible night? What if—?

  Juliet stopped herself. There was nothing she could do about it now. All she could do was ask him, and if he said no…Juliet couldn’t bear to think what would happen if he said no.

  Cal made himself concentrate on flying the plane. Juliet had been away for ten days and it had felt like a lifetime. He had been a fool, he knew that now, and he had hurt her in a way she might never forgive. Cal kept remembering the look in her eyes and the way she had turned away from him. How could he have done that to her?

  He had hurt Natalie, too. She didn’t understand what had happened, couldn’t understand why Juliet had taken the boys and left her behind. Every time Cal looked at her, he suffered for her, and his sense of guilt made it hard to bear. All he had wanted was for his daughter to be happy, and he had ended up making her miserable. It was his fault for letting her get close to Juliet when he had known that it could never last.

  Cal had spent a hellish ten days trying to comfort Natalie, but unable even to comfort himself. Every day he’d gone out with the stockmen, working on the land, and he’d wondered how he could ever have thought it meant more to him than Juliet. Wilparilla was worthless without her.

  He’d ached for her at night and during the day he’d been restless and irritable. He’d kept looking for her, turning every time he heard the screen door bang and willing it to be Juliet.

  He could picture her exactly, walking out onto the verandah, shading her eyes with her hand. He wanted to be able to walk over to her and pull her against him, without pretending or waiting until dark. He wanted everyone to know that she was his. He wanted to know that she would always be there.

  He wanted to marry her.

  Cal was ready to throw pride to the winds. Juliet wanted him to go but he couldn’t, not without her. Surely she would see that? If she wouldn’t marry him, he would beg her to let him stay on as manager, just so that he could be near her. He would make her change her mind.

  Risking a glance at her, Cal saw that Juliet was looking tired and tense. The break didn’t seem to have done her much good. If Hugo’s parents had been giving her a hard time, it wasn’t fair to put any more pressure on her just yet. He would wait until she had settled back at Wilparilla, and then they would talk. In the meantime, it had taken more self-control than he had known not to sweep her into his arms as she came down the steps of the plane.

  Natalie was waiting for them at the airstrip with Maggie. She danced up and down impatiently as Cal brought the little plane to a halt, then broke free of Maggie’s restraining hold to run across and throw herself into Juliet’s arms. ‘I missed you!’ she said.

  ‘I missed you too.’ Close to tears, Juliet hugged the little girl back. Cal watched enviously as he lifted Andrew and Kit down to the ground. It had come to something when you were jealous of your own daughter, he thought wryly.

  Even Maggie seemed pleased to see them back. ‘And it’s been very quiet without you two,’ she added as the twins rushed to greet her. They were thoroughly excited to be home, and as soon as they got to the homestead stampeded from room to room, showing off to Natalie.

  The three adults were left standing awkwardly in the kitchen. ‘What about some tea?’ said Maggie after a moment.

  Juliet drew a steadying breath. She had to talk to Cal now, before she lost her nerve. ‘I’ll have some later, thanks, Maggie,’ she said, surprised at how normal her voice sounded. ‘I…I’d like a word with Cal first. Would you mind keeping an eye on the boys?’

  ‘Of course not.’ Maggie looked as if she was about to say something else, but she changed her mind. ‘I’ll make some tea when you get back.’

  Juliet forced herself to meet Cal’s eyes. ‘Do you mind?’

  ‘No,’ said Cal slowly. ‘I don’t mind.’ He wondered if she was going to tell him that she had found another manager. ‘Shall we go down to the creek?’ he suggested, when Juliet made no move. From the corridor outside came the sound of pounding feet and excited squeals. ‘It’ll be quieter down there.’

  ‘Yes,’ said Juliet gratefully. Now that she had forced herself to the point, she seemed to have run out of steam, and she didn’t know what to say next.

  They walked down to the creek in silence while she wondered how to begin. She couldn’t just blurt out a proposal of marriage. Stooping, she scooped up a handful of dried leaves and crushed them between her fingers so that she could breathe in their dry, pungent scent. Should she just tell him that she loved him? Or would he feel less threatened if she pretended that, as far as she was concerned, marriage was just a practical solution to their difficulties?

  Cal watched her, wishing that he could pull her into his arms and kiss the sadness from her face. He knew that she wouldn’t believe him if he told her that he didn’t care about Wilparilla if he couldn’t have her. Even if he left, and tried to woo her from a distance, she would always think that it was the station that he really wanted.

  The silence stretched as they stood a little apart, both afraid to start the discussion in case it ended in bitter disappointment, neither able to think about anything else. In the end, it was Cal who broke it. ‘How did you get on with Hugo’s parents?’ he asked.

  ‘Fine.’ Juliet turned to face him, not sorry to be diverted from what she had come to say. ‘Actually, it was better than fine,’ she told him. ‘You were right, they had changed. It was a bit difficult at first, but the twins helped. They had a wonderful time, and Hugo’s parents loved them.

  ‘I was glad I went,’ she went on slowly. ‘I went out one day and Hugo’s mother was sitting there, just watching Kit and Andrew on the beach, and there were tears pouring down her face. She told me Hugo had looked just like that when he was a little boy.’

  Juliet opened her fingers and let the crushed leaves flutter to the ground. ‘It sounds horrible, but that was the first time I’d realised what it must have been like for her to lose her son. We talked about Hugo a lot after that. Anne—his mother—told me what a difficult child he had been. They loved him, but they didn’t know how to manage him. Every time he did something wrong they felt that they’d failed him, and they tried to compensate by always bailing him out instead of making him face up to wha
t he had done.’ She sighed. ‘They did their best.’

  ‘It’s a pity you couldn’t have talked earlier,’ said Cal, wondering if this was what she had wanted to talk to him about.

  ‘I think it helped being on neutral ground.’ Juliet glanced at him. ‘That was your idea.’

  ‘Did they try and persuade you to go back to England?’

  ‘They want me to take the twins back, yes, but they didn’t try and force me. They offered to pay for the boys’ education and give them some financial security, which is more than I can do.’

  There was a pause. ‘What did you say?’ asked Cal carefully.

  Juliet picked up another handful of leaves. ‘I said I’d think about it,’ she said, without looking at him. It was true. If it didn’t work with Cal, she might have no option but to go back to England. But it might not come to that. All she had to do was ask him to marry her.

  She drew a deep breath and opened her mouth, but Cal got in first.

  ‘And if you did that, would you sell Wilparilla?’ he asked.

  Juliet stared at him for a moment, then turned away. All he cared about was buying Wilparilla back. What was the point of asking him to marry her when he so clearly wasn’t prepared to share it? She might as well admit defeat now and take the twins back to England, where at least she wouldn’t be tormented by memories of Cal at every turn.

  ‘I suppose so,’ she said dully, shredding the leaves between her fingers.

  Cal took an urgent step towards her. ‘Juliet,’ he said, ‘let me buy Wilparilla from you!’

  She gave up then. Opening her hand, she let the last leaves scatter to the ground, like all her hopes. ‘All right.’

  ‘You’ll sell it to me?’

  His eagerness stung her raw sense of hurt. ‘Yes!’ she cried, stumbling away from him as if he had struck her. ‘Yes, if that’s what you want, I’ll sell.’