MR. UNIVERSE

by Jim Grimsley

  KATY. You don’t have you any babies of your own, do you Judy?

  JUDY. What?

  KATY. You don’t have any children do you? You ain’t never took care of nothing but you.

  JUDY. What in the fuck are you talking about? I ain’t said nothing about a baby. I just want to know what in the hell we brought this man home for if we’re going to treat him like a vestal virgin.

  VICK (calmer). He was hurt and we brought him home to clean him up. He’s scared and we’re not going to bother him. Tomorrow we’re going to find out who he is and where he belongs.

  JUDY. This is just like what you did to me in the bar. Every time I want to have any fun.

  (Knock on the door.)

  KATY (whispering). If that’s for me I ain’t here.

  JUDY. Well Miss Vain, who would come up here looking for your ass?

  KATY. You heard me. You haven’t seen me all night.

  JUDY. Where are you going?

  KATY. To your bathroom to pee and don’t you say a word about it.

  VICK. What are you whispering for?

  (Knock on the door.)

  JUDY. I’m coming, I’m coming, keep your skirt on.

  KATY. You do like I said or you’ll be sorry.

  (Exit KATY.

  JUDY opens the door.

  Enter POLICE WOMAN.)

  JUDY. Excuse me.

  POLICE WOMAN (showing her badge). I’m looking for your downstairs neighbor Katy Jume.

  JUDY. I haven’t seen Katy for a while. I guess you already tried her apartment.

  POLICE WOMAN. Yes I did. You folks live around here long?

  JUDY. I’ve been here a few months. My roommate has been here several years. Isn’t that right?

  VICK. Yes.

  POLICE WOMAN. How long have you known Katy Jume?

  VICK. A couple of years. Is something wrong?

  POLICE WOMAN. Does he live here too?

  VICK. He’s a friend of mine from out of town. He can’t talk.

  POLICE WOMAN. Can’t talk?

  VICK. I think it was because of a shock when he was a little boy.

  POLICE WOMAN. I don’t want to hear all that. You see Katy Jume, you tell her I’m looking for her, and I’m going to find her. You get this man some clothes on.

  JUDY. I beg your pardon.

  POLICE WOMAN. Don’t beg honey.

  (Exit POLICE WOMAN.)

  VICK. What was that all about?

  JUDY. I don’t know but I intend to find out.

  (Exit JUDY and VICK.

  The SAXOPHONE PLAYER plays softly.

  The VOICES FROM OUTSIDE are heard.

  The MUSCLE MAN crosses to the wig, lifts it, poses with it in his hand, places it on his head, and smiles.)

  THE VOICES FROM OUTSIDE. You know I heard that yeah Revondela do you have any chewing gum in your pocketbook Lord girl I done tore my panty hose who are you to talk to me like that you shit-head motherfucker walk on down to Bourbon Street with your sorry ass think you so fine, so fine I can walk like that, I can string myself all over the sidewalk like a strumpet, you know what I’m talking about, child go on out of here, stop looking at that man, he going to come over here and drag you down in the bushes. He look fine. He really do.

  END OF ACT 1

  ACT 2

  SCENE 4:

  JUDY’s bedroom.

  Lights rise on the picture of Judy Garland.

  Piles of clothes are everywhere.

  Enter KATY.

  Music is playing softly as if from another room.

  The sound of water running.

  KATY pulls off her dress, drops it on the floor, walks on it, kicks it aside.

  From her purse she pulls out a knife, cleans it.

  The music grows louder.

  She dances a sultry dance with the knife.

  Anoints herself in perfume.

  Wraps herself in a feather boa lying on the floor.

  Enter JUDY.

  JUDY. What are you doing in my bedroom? I been looking all over the house for you.

  KATY. I’m standing here admiring your picture.

  JUDY. Where’s your dress?

  KATY. Over there. I got hot.

  JUDY. You know who that was at the door, don’t you?

  KATY. Yeah, it was the Avon lady bringing me my makeup I ordered.

  JUDY. It was the police. This hateful-acting woman. She was asking about you. She wanted to know how long you had been living here and if we had seen you.

  KATY. Peoples all over town be curious about me, it don’t worry me at all.

  JUDY. Katy, why are the police looking for you?

  KATY. Look at these nasty clothes on the floor. You got more dresses than the Queen of Sheba. Don’t you ever clean your room?

  JUDY. Have you been talking to the police about things you aren’t supposed to talk about?

  KATY. If you mean them nasty little drugs of yours, no I have not said anything about them.

  JUDY. You better not have if you know what’s good for you.

  KATY. I shake in my shoes when you talk like that. I really do.

  JUDY. Honey if you run to the police on me there will be bloodshed and hair flying.

  KATY. Grow up girl. The cops have a lot bigger asses than yours to worry about.

  JUDY. You better be telling me the truth.

  KATY. Don’t shoot this shit to me. You ain’t bought nobody, sweetheart. You don’t know me that good. You can wave all the shit you want to in my face but I know it ain’t mine. Drag me out some of that stuff.

  JUDY. Do what?

  KATY. You heard what I said. Get it out.

  JUDY. You’ve got a lot of nerve coming in my bedroom and ordering me around.

  KATY. As much money as I’ve made for you, you can spare me a little taste. Come on now, my nerves is all wore out.

  (JUDY finds a metal or wooden chest in which there are many Baggies and syringes—drug paraphernalia.

  KATY reaches for the box.

  JUDY backs away.)

  JUDY. First you tell me what did the police lady want.

  KATY. She didn’t want nothing man, she was lonely. Give me that box.

  JUDY. Talk to me first.

  KATY. She was probably just a dyke who follow me home.

  JUDY. When was the last time a dyke followed you home?

  KATY. They follow me around all the time. Give me that baggie.

  JUDY. What did the policewoman want, Katy dear?

  KATY. She didn’t want nothing, get out of my face.

  JUDY. You tell me or you don’t even get to smell of this good stuff.

  KATY. Girl, you are making it so I just have to pull a knife on you.

  (Moves toward her purse.)

  JUDY (reaching for his own knife). You touch a knife and you’ll get more of a fight than you know what to do with.

  KATY. Ain’t nobody scared of you.

  JUDY. Ain’t nobody scared of you either baby. Now act like you got some sense. We are in this together. I got a right to know why you’re messing with a policewoman.

  KATY. I ain’t messing with nobody.

  JUDY. All right, you’re not messing with her, she’s messing with you. She said she wanted to ask you some questions.

  KATY. I know what she said. I was with this salesman in his hotel room over in the Faubourg and he had a heart attack. He fell over dead and I had to go downtown.

  JUDY. Where did you go downtown?

  KATY. To the police farm honey, to big blue heaven. That’s right, me myself. Sitting in this grimy room with this big fat-belly policeman grinding his jaw like he was trying to wear his teeth out. I had to tell them all about this man heart attack why he died. He was just this man I pick up in the bar.

  JUDY. He had a heart attack while you were fucking?

  KATY. We hadn’t even done anything, he barely got his clothes off. He was kind of old, fluffy-ass motherfucker.

  JUDY. If you already talked to the police why do they need to ask you mo
re questions?

  KATY. I don’t know. They couldn’t find any driver license on him and they didn’t know who he was. Maybe they have some pictures for me to look at. I think he might have been some kind of murderer. The police act like they know all about him.

  JUDY. You’re kidding. Who did he kill?

  KATY. A whole bunch of people over in Slidell.

  JUDY. God, I’ve got to start reading the newspaper sometime. (Starts to give KATY the baggie, then pauses.) Listen, I want you to help me with something.

  KATY. What?

  JUDY. Help me with that muscle man in there.

  KATY. What do you want to do to that poor little innocent baby?

  JUDY. That baby is not little, sweetheart, and when I get through with him he won’t be innocent either.

  KATY. If you mess with that man, Vick will kill you dead.

  JUDY. Vick can act like some old lady if he wants to, I’m going to put to use what the Good Lord has provided.

  KATY. I don’t think you understand what I’m trying to tell you. Vick already threw a fit all over you, he will kill you if you mess with that man.

  JUDY. I know that. That’s why I want you to keep him busy. Get him real upset about the police. You know Mother Vick, he’ll sit right down and forget about everything else.

  KATY. You ain’t getting me in between all this.

  JUDY. Katy honey, I’m your mother. Do what mother tells you. All I need is ten or fifteen minutes.

  KATY. What the hell are you going to do in fifteen minutes but scare the poor child to death?

  JUDY. You don’t worry about him for a minute. Once I get him to the bedroom, he’ll relax just fine, and so will Vick.

  KATY. You are absolutely crazy.

  JUDY. I know Vick, honey. He’s not a fool. Once he sees that me and that man are going to fuck, he’ll leave us alone.

  KATY. No you don’t know Vick, and you don’t know that man either one.

  JUDY. Stop arguing and do like I said, for your sweet sister who gives you candy and takes care of you.

  KATY. Why do you have to mess with this? That man and Vick are getting along just fine. You got a new boyfriend every week, you don’t need to steal from Vick.

  JUDY. That man don’t want Vick.

  KATY. Sure look like he does to me. I don’t know what he want but he sure want something.

  JUDY. You’re dreaming girl. Face facts. Vick is old news. Now all I want you to do is tell Vick about the police and get him out of here for a little while, just a little while.

  KATY. This ain’t right.

  JUDY. Don’t talk that right shit to me.

  KATY. I said this don’t feel right. That man already been beat up and you want to get all over him with yourself. I think you better lay back and take a good long look. You hurt that man and Vick will put your bags on the street, and there will go the best setup your sorry ass has ever had.

  JUDY (as if he has heard nothing). I’m counting on you, Katy sister, don’t let me down.

  KATY. I’ma tell you something. I am up to the roots of my hair with being sister to you. Don’t call me that.

  JUDY (giving KATY the baggie). Just take your medicine into the bathroom darling, you’ll be much calmer about the whole thing when you’re loaded.

  KATY. You are nothing but trash just like the bitch that brung you into the world.

  JUDY. Let’s don’t talk about Mother.

  KATY. You know I saw that sorry-ass strumpet the other day, and I thought to myself how lucky you was that you ain’t like she is, but I was wrong. You are low as the rug. If I had a child like you I would drown it like it was a dog.

  JUDY. You ain’t seen Mama, you are a lie. She ain’t even in town.

  KATY. Oh no honey, she back. She stripping at the Harum Scarum every night, her titties flopping every which a-way. Yeah, I saw her. I told her you said hello and happy Mother’s Day.

  JUDY. You utter goddamn bitch.

  KATY. You can’t name me nothing I ain’t already been named, baby, it just roll right off my back. But let me tell you something. Don’t act like that bitch tonight. Just as sure as I’m standing here, you fuck with Vick and this man and you will pay.

  (Exit KATY.

  The SAXOPHONE PLAYER plays raucous, almost terrifying striptease music.

  JUDY picks up his clothes, handling the dresses carefully.

  Enter MUSCLE MAN, onto another part of the stage. He seats himself cross-legged.

  JUDY continues to clean his room, then pauses, standing by the telephone.

  The MUSCLE MAN pulls the bandages off his back.

  During the speech that follows, he paints himself with blood, as before, while the SAXOPHONE PLAYER continues to play, softly enough that JUDY can be heard.)

  JUDY (picking up the phone and dialing). Hello. Get me Ruby. Yeah, it’s me. Yeah, I’m fine. Yeah look, get Ruby, okay? (Waits for a long time.) Hello Ruby girl. Why yes darling, it’s really me. Well I’m just tickled to hear your voice. You know you are my main woman. That’s right. You do have the money? Good for you. But believe it or not I didn’t call about that. I have some news, darling. Yes, it’s paradise. I have crystal. Yes ma’am, pure as the driven snow. Well the price is up. I don’t quote price on the phone sweet child, what kind of tacky creature do you take me for? Don’t worry, I can cut you a deal. I want a favor. Just a little one. Don’t ask any questions. In about fifteen minutes I want you to call the police. The police. Downtown, that’s right. You know Katy Jume? Tell the police you saw her coming into this building. Tell them you were walking by here. Well, walk by here then, I don’t give a fuck. You do what I told you and I’ll front you the crystal and charge you half price. You don’t have to give them your name. Tell them you saw her coming in here. Don’t answer any questions, tell them and hang up. Do it because you love me. Listen to me. Listen. If the police don’t show up looking for the bitch, the whole deal is off. You got me? You can shoot up the desert sands for all I care. All right? Remember, wait fifteen or twenty minutes, like I said. Talk to you later. I’ll call you. Yeah, I got the stuff right here. You’re just a doll. (Pause.) Don’t push your luck, I’ll deliver. Night-night.

  (Exit JUDY.)

  SCENE 5:

  Enter VICK, into the living room, where the MUSCLE MAN is sitting.

  VICK. Baby, you’ve pulled off your bandages, you’re bloody all over again.

  (The MUSCLE MAN stands.

  VICK takes the bandages, wipes the blood.

  Enter KATY.)

  KATY. What’s wrong with him now?

  VICK. He pulled off the bandages and got the bleeding started again. Get me a towel.

  (Exit KATY.)

  VICK. What am I going to do with you? I already got one child in this apartment.

  (The MUSCLE MAN contemplates VICK carefully, then flexes his arms.)

  VICK. Yes I know, you have nice big muscles.

  (The MUSCLE MAN continues to flex.

  VICK begins to touch one of the MUSCLE MAN’s biceps, then withdraws.)

  VICK. Put your arms down. Put them down, that’s right. They’re real pretty. They really are. But I don’t need a show right now.

  (The MUSCLE MAN paces as if disturbed.)

  VICK. What’s wrong?

  (The MUSCLE MAN will not hold still for VICK or look at him.

  Enter KATY, with a basin, cloth, and towels.)

  KATY. What’s wrong with him?

  VICK. I don’t know. I think he’s mad at me. He was showing off his muscles and I wouldn’t touch him.

  KATY. Why not? Are you crazy?

  VICK. I don’t know, I just couldn’t. I didn’t want to think about him like that.

  KATY. Like what?

  VICK. Like somebody I could touch. Like somebody who might want me to touch him.

  KATY. Sound to me like that’s what he want.

  (The MUSCLE MAN allows VICK to touch him now.

  VICK begins to clean him and put on the bandages again.

&n
bsp; This continues during the scene that follows.

  The effect should be that the MUSCLE MAN and VICK are reading each other’s minds.)

  VICK. I don’t know what he wants. But I wonder. (Pause.) Did Judy find you? Did he tell you a policewoman was here looking for you?

  KATY. Yes, he told me all about it.

  VICK. What did she want?

  KATY. I don’t know.

  VICK. What do you mean you don’t know?

  KATY. Vick, mind your own business. I don’t want to talk about it.

  (A knock at the door—different, lighter than the POLICE WOMAN’s.)

  VICK. Oh Lord, they’re back. What do you want me to do?

  (Knocking continues.)

  KATY. Open the damn door, I don’t give a shit.

  VICK. You sure?

  KATY. You can’t act like you ain’t at home, they can hear us talking.

  (VICK opens the door; enter JUEL LAURIE.)

  VICK. God knows, Mistress Laurie, you scared us half to death.

  JUEL LAURIE. Oh Vick. I climbed them stairs, I ain’t got breath.

  Lord. (Pause.) You said come up if your light was on.

  VICK. Yes ma’am, I sure did.

  JUEL LAURIE. Well, bad things is happening out there tonight. I keep hearing Vanice. Like he was in the hall. And the rats is back in the walls. All behind the toilet. Scratching like. I can’t get no peace when I go in there. I put out poison but it don’t do no good.

  VICK (to KATY, who has stepped to the doorway). It’s Mistress Laurie from downstairs.

  KATY. Hey Juel Laurie.

  JUEL LAURIE. Vanice said the pohlice looking for you girl.

  KATY. You can’t be listening to what Vanice tell you, he long gone from this world.

  JUEL LAURIE. Vanice said how it was all on the news about you.

  KATY. What was on the news?

  JUEL LAURIE. The news was on when I left. River near up to the levee. All kinds of murder. Rats so bad you can’t hear nothing. I had beans for supper, with ham. They is all off in the walls, you can’t shoot ’em with a gun.

  VICK. What was on the news, Mistress Laurie?

  JUEL LAURIE (to KATY). It was something I wanted to tell you sweetheart, it might rain. Weatherman said it won’t and he ain’t never right.

  VICK. Juel Laurie, did the police really come by your apartment or are you remembering the one you talked to this evening on the street?

  JUEL LAURIE. No, it was after that. The pohlicewoman come by my house while the water was on. Anyway Vanice says the pohlice is after Katy Jume from downstairs what has the blue kitchen curtains blowing all out the window from the fan. Says the pohlice want to put her on the news big-time. Says Vanice. They fount a dead man in a motel, I was in the kitchen washing my hair. With the water running you can’t hear a thing.