MR. UNIVERSE

by Jim Grimsley

  (No answer.

  HELEN watches GORDON for a moment, then goes to the window.)

  GORDON. You think she knows what to do in there?

  HELEN. What do you mean?

  GORDON. She may not have ever seen an indoor toilet before. And you got so many knickknacks in there, she may not know how to act.

  HELEN. Don’t be hateful.

  GORDON. I’m just speculating. Don’t mind me.

  (Silence.)

  HELEN. I can’t believe you didn’t tell me when she got here.

  GORDON. Well you found out, didn’t you?

  HELEN. Only because I came out here. You should have come to the kitchen and got me.

  GORDON. What for? All she wanted was to use the phone. I let her. We didn’t need you out here to play hostess.

  HELEN. Gordon, I know just exactly how true that is. Now don’t say it again. (Pause.) Who did she call?

  GORDON. I don’t know.

  HELEN. Couldn’t you hear her talking?

  GORDON. She didn’t exactly call anybody. She never got an answer. She said the line was busy.

  HELEN. And so you decided to send her back out in the rain. With that man out there looking for her.

  GORDON. I did not send her back out in the rain. And that man is her husband.

  HELEN. Who apparently beat her up and chased her into the woods.

  GORDON. You’re making too much out of this. You don’t know whether he beat her up or not.

  HELEN. Did you see her face?

  GORDON (raising his voice just slightly). Yes I saw it.

  HELEN. Keep your voice down. Did you see the bruise on her eye? How do you think it got there?

  GORDON. Well, Helen, I guess what matters at this point is how you think it got there. Since you’re so obsessed with this whole thing.

  HELEN. I’m not obsessed.

  GORDON. Yes you are. And you’re all emotional about it. And you’re not making any sense. You have this woman in our bathroom getting dressed up in your good robe and you have a chicken half cut up rotting in the kitchen and you won’t get ten feet away from that goddamn window. God knows what you’ve got planned for the rest of the evening.

  HELEN. Somebody has to help her.

  GORDON. No, Helen. No. Nobody has to help her. She has to go home. That’s where she belongs. She has to go home to her own family and her own husband, because that’s her place and that’s where she belongs.

  HELEN. Her place?

  GORDON. You know what I mean.

  HELEN. No, Gordon, I don’t know what you mean.

  GORDON. Stop twisting my words around. We’re not talking about my opinions on women, we’re talking about one poor woman who doesn’t know any better than to run into the woods in a rainstorm when she has a fight with her husband. She shouldn’t be dragging us into her problems by coming over here. That’s all I meant. Sympathy doesn’t have much to do with it.

  HELEN. You can’t do that. You can’t decide somebody is trash and worthless and throw them out in the rain.

  GORDON. That’s not what I’m doing.

  HELEN. Yes it is.

  GORDON. No it’s not. Listen to me, Helen. Listen.

  HELEN. I won’t. Not to this. You can’t look at her dress and her house and decide you know everything about her.

  GORDON. She’s a poor ignorant woman who had too many children too quick and got in way over her head. And there’s nothing we can do about that even if we try.

  HELEN (after a moment). You’re wrong.

  GORDON. You’re not listening to me. (Pause.) When are you going to make dinner?

  HELEN. I am listening to you.

  GORDON. Answer my question.

  (Silence.

  HELEN checks the window again.

  Enter ELEANOR in the robe.

  She hesitates, feeling the awkwardness.)

  HELEN. It’s all right. Come on in. You all dry now?

  ELEANOR. Yes ma’am. I left my clothes in the bathroom. I didn’t know what else to do, they’re wringing wet.

  HELEN. Don’t you worry about that, I’ll take care of it. I’ll pop them in the wash. You feel better?

  ELEANOR. I sure do.

  HELEN. Are you hungry yet? My husband is about to worry me to death to get him something to eat.

  ELEANOR. No ma’am, I couldn’t eat anything. But don’t let me get in your way, I know it’s suppertime.

  HELEN. You’re not in anybody’s way. (Prepares to exit; speaks to GORDON.) Well, let me go put up that chicken and make you a sandwich. I don’t feel like eating either and there’s no use frying a whole chicken for one person. Do you think so?

  GORDON. Oh of course not. (Pause.)

  HELEN (to Eleanor). You sit down and rest. I’ll be back in a minute. And don’t pay any attention to anything my husband tells you, he won’t bite. You like coffee?

  ELEANOR. Yes ma’am.

  HELEN. I’ll bring you a cup.

  (Exit HELEN.

  GORDON follows her to see where she is going.

  Once she is out of sight, he turns and goes to the window, considering ELEANOR.)

  GORDON. So you feel better?

  ELEANOR. Yes sir.

  GORDON. I hope you didn’t think I was trying to get rid of you.

  ELEANOR. Oh, no sir.

  GORDON. I didn’t really know what you wanted.

  ELEANOR. That’s all right.

  GORDON. I’m very protective of my wife.

  ELEANOR. Yes sir.

  GORDON. My wife is very tender hearted.

  ELEANOR. She’s a real nice lady. (Pause.) I won’t stay long, Mr. Hammond.

  GORDON. You’re perfectly welcome. (Pause.) Helen thinks you’re having a fight with your husband.

  (ELEANOR does not know how to respond.)

  GORDON. You don’t have to be ashamed of it. People have fights.

  ELEANOR. Yes sir.

  GORDON. My wife and I had a little bit of an argument tonight.

  ELEANOR. Yes sir.

  GORDON. It might be that you need to get some professional help. Some type of counseling.

  ELEANOR. My husband don’t like to talk a whole lot. Especially to preachers and people like that.

  GORDON. I’m sure he wants to do what’s good for you. And for his children. A father would want to do the best thing for his children and a husband would want to do the best thing for his wife. Don’t you think that’s true? I mean, laying aside the fact that you’re having a fight with him. Don’t you think he wants to do what’s best? In the long run?

  ELEANOR. He’s real mad right now.

  GORDON. But when he calms down. You can talk to him then.

  ELEANOR. Talking don’t work with Jake.

  GORDON. You’re pretty upset yourself right now, aren’t you? I expect you’re selling him a little short. I expect he feels pretty bad about the whole argument right now. And you do too.

  ELEANOR. I didn’t do anything. And he’s not sorry.

  GORDON. Be fair now. (Pause; ELEANOR does not respond.) He must be a good man or you wouldn’t have married him. You must love him. Or you wouldn’t have married him.

  ELEANOR. Men change when they get married.

  GORDON. What do you mean?

  ELEANOR. They get spiteful.

  GORDON. Well, I got married and I didn’t get spiteful.

  (ELEANOR simply looks at him.

  As GORDON speaks, he freshens his bourbon.)

  GORDON. The fact is you’re mad with him and you’re not thinking straight right now. When you’re calmer you’ll see I’m right.

  (Enter HELEN, with a tray of sandwiches and coffee.)

  HELEN. I thought you were just having one drink.

  GORDON. I’m just having one more.

  HELEN. Well I hope so. Because if you’re hung over and grouchy when I wake you up tomorrow, I’m going to let you lay there. Mark my words.

  GORDON. Yes dear.

  HELEN (to ELEANOR). He can’t wake up by himself. Not sinc
e I quit my job. When we lived in Atlanta and I had to get up first, the alarm clock could wake him up just fine but now he has two alarm clocks that go off like firecrackers and he won’t even turn over. I have to get up first and make his coffee, and then I have to talk real sweet in his ear before he’ll even open his eyes.

  GORDON. Now that’s not fair. I have to get up a whole lot earlier than I did when we lived in town.

  HELEN. The way things turned out, so do I. (To ELEANOR). I made little sandwiches for you and me. You like cucumber?

  ELEANOR. Oh, yes ma’am. I got a garden full of it.

  HELEN. I never could get a thing to grow. All my flowers just die in the pot. (Setting down the tray; to GORDON.) I fried you a little steak on a bun, Gordon. Like you like, with the onions.

  GORDON. I was about to say, I hope you don’t expect me to eat any cucumber sandwich.

  HELEN. Oh, I know better than that. If it don’t have meat in it, it’s not food.

  (Each eats and drinks.

  ELEANOR eats delicately, distracted, as if she does not taste the sandwich.

  GORDON eats his steak with gusto.

  HELEN does not eat but sips coffee by the window, looking out.)

  GORDON. We’ve been having a nice talk out here, Helen. I’ve been telling Eleanor about counseling and things like that.

  HELEN. Counseling?

  GORDON. For married people.

  HELEN. I’m sure Eleanor knows about those things.

  GORDON. It’s something to think about.

  HELEN. I never could stand counselors and psychiatrists and people like that. I used to work with them and I never could stand the way they talked.

  ELEANOR. You don’t have a job anymore?

  HELEN. No, I don’t. I quit working not long ago. (Pause.) Do you think your children are all right?

  ELEANOR. My oldest girl is looking out for the little ones. She fusses at them just like I do.

  HELEN. Is that the little brown-haired girl? She’s pretty as a button.

  ELEANOR. She’s seven. She’s real smart in school.

  GORDON. How many children do you have?

  ELEANOR. Five.

  GORDON. How do you keep them all straight? If it was me, I would get them mixed up. Call them the wrong names.

  HELEN. Don’t be ridiculous, Gordon. Five is not that many.

  ELEANOR. It’s plenty for me. I hope I don’t have any more.

  HELEN. Gordon and I would be glad to have just one. We’ve been trying. But we haven’t had much luck so far.

  GORDON. Hush.

  ELEANOR. With my husband, I don’t even have to try.

  HELEN (to GORDON). It’s not bad luck to talk about it. (Looking out the window.) I see him again. He’s still out there.

  ELEANOR. Is he?

  HELEN. Yes. Down by that piece of fence. (Pause.) Oh Lord. It looks like he’s coming up here.

  GORDON. Christ! Are you sure?

  HELEN (still looking out into the storm; to ELEANOR). Go back into the kitchen. I’ll be back there in a minute. (To GORDON.) You tell him you haven’t seen anything at all.

  (Exit ELEANOR.)

  GORDON. You beat everything.

  HELEN. Please do this. Please.

  GORDON. Fine. I will get him out of here without a scene. But you listen. When her clothes are dry she gets out of here too. That minute. And then you and I are going to have a long talk.

  HELEN. You can lecture me till you’re blue in the face once you get rid of that man.

  (A shadow crosses one of the windows.

  A knock sounds at the door.)

  GORDON. What the hell is his name?

  HELEN (exiting). Jake. That’s what she said.

  (Knock sounds again.

  GORDON answers the door.

  Enter JAKE, carrying a rain poncho and cap.

  He is relatively dry.)

  JAKE. Good e’enin.

  GORDON. Good evening. Looks like you picked a nice night for a walk. Is there something I can do for you?

  JAKE. Sure is. You reckon I could come in for a minute?

  GORDON. Please. Be my guest.

  JAKE. Could I trouble you for an old towel or a rag to dry my shoes? I sure would hate to track your floors.

  GORDON. No trouble at all. I’ll be right back.

  (Exit GORDON.

  JAKE inspects the room quickly.

  He goes to the tray and lifts the glass and the two coffee cups, one at a time, then seats himself.

  Enter GORDON.)

  GORDON. Pretty good storm out there.

  JAKE. It’ll do. (Offering his hand congenially.) You prob’ly don’t know me, sir, but I’m your neighbor in that house over yonder cross the field, and my name is Jake Rollins, and I was wondering if you had seen my wife. She run off. Just before suppertime.

  (JAKE takes the towel after they have shaken hands and begins to dry his shoes.)

  GORDON. She ran off, you said?

  JAKE. Yes sir. (Sighs.) We had a little fight. It was really a big mix-up, you know? And my wife, she run off in the woods. And she’s still there I guess. Me and the children is worried sick.

  GORDON. Sounds like you’ve had yourself quite an evening.

  JAKE. It can get right wild over there. (Looks around the room.) So she didn’t come over here.

  GORDON. No. No, it’s just my wife and me here. And my wife’s not feeling too good.

  JAKE. I’m sorry to hear that, sir. I hope it’s nothing serious.

  GORDON. She’s lying down with a headache.

  JAKE (looking around the house). This a pretty nice house. You must do good for yourself. You work in Atlanta?

  GORDON. Yes. I’m an accountant. For a big company.

  JAKE. That’s a pretty good drive.

  GORDON. Some days I don’t have to go in. I’m a partner now. That’s why we bought this house.

  JAKE. That’s a good situation. (Pause.) You grow up in Atlanta?

  GORDON. Vinings.

  JAKE. Where’s that?

  GORDON (shrugs). Atlanta, basically.

  JAKE. Like a suburb?

  GORDON. Sort of. But it’s a pretty old town. My grandfather moved there from Alabama.

  JAKE. I got an uncle from Alabama. He don’t like it.

  GORDON. My wife was born somewhere around here. But her family moved to Sandy Springs when she was pretty young.

  JAKE. Where is that?

  GORDON. Atlanta.

  JAKE. You built this place? (Pause.) No, that’s right, it was them other people built it, I forget the name.

  GORDON. McKinley. They sold it to us. We saw it in an ad. Just what we wanted. We were very lucky.

  JAKE. You bet you were. You got a swimming pool?

  GORDON. No. No we don’t have anything like that yet. (Pause.) But my wife was able to quit her job. When I got promoted. I had to talk her into it but she finally agreed. We plan to raise a family. Soon. (Pause.) You and your family moved in that house a little while ago.

  JAKE. Yeah. It ain’t nothing but a shack.

  GORDON. Oh.

  JAKE. My wife, she’s always talking about getting us a trailer. You can buy you a pretty nice trailer. (Pause.) I wouldn’t hardly know how to act in a house like this.

  GORDON. I sure hate to picture your wife out in this storm. You been looking for her long?

  JAKE. She run off right before the storm come up. I had to get my poncho. But I been all down the river. She likes to walk around there. She’s moody-like, you know.

  GORDON. Maybe she found some shelter and is waiting for the rain to stop.

  JAKE. You know, I didn’t even think about that. I bet she crawled up under that bridge. What do you want to bet?

  GORDON. Now that would make sense, wouldn’t it?

  JAKE. Sure would. (Pause.) Women are so excitable. You know it? The least little thing can just set them right off.

  GORDON (laughing). I sure do know that.

  JAKE. And then you might as well forget it. Whe
n a woman gets something in her mind she’ll worry it to death, you know it? It’s no use to try to talk to her. She can’t listen to sense.

  GORDON. I guess every husband feels like that sometimes.

  JAKE. You can’t make sense to the women and the women can’t make sense to you.

  GORDON. It makes you wonder if they think the same way we do.

  JAKE. You know, I’ve had that same thought. I can see you got a good understanding of women.

  GORDON. I don’t know about that.

  JAKE (standing). So you’re sure you haven’t seen my wife? Little skinny woman. She ain’t got much ass, to tell you the truth. That’s half of her problem. (Laughs.)

  GORDON (laughing with him). No. No, I haven’t seen nobody like that tonight.

  JAKE. Not even walking across your yard or nothing.

  GORDON. No. Sorry.

  JAKE. Well, then, let me get down to that bridge and see if I can find my baby. If you see her, you tell her I’m looking for her. You hear?

  GORDON (nodding). I sure do sympathize with you.

  JAKE. Oh, I’ll find her sooner or later. And I’ll get her all calmed down again. I always do. (Pause.) You and your wife have a good night, hear?

  GORDON. We’ll try. I know one thing, I’m not going outdoors in this mess.

  JAKE. I can’t blame you. I wouldn’t either if it won’t for my baby.

  (Exit JAKE.

  This time, however, his shadow does not cross the window.

  Enter HELEN, tiptoeing.)

  HELEN. Is he gone?

  GORDON. Yes.

  HELEN. He sure stayed a long time.

  GORDON. Not that long. We were talking.

  HELEN. I’m surprised you could find anything to talk about.

  GORDON. Helen, I couldn’t throw him out the second he got here.

  HELEN (almost an aside). You could when it was her.

  (Silence.)

  GORDON. I don’t think he believed me. He asked me if I had seen her three or four times.

  HELEN. You didn’t tell him, did you?

  GORDON. No. I was a good boy, I did what you told me to do. (Pause.) He told me about the fight. It didn’t sound like much.

  HELEN. What did he say?

  (Enter ELEANOR unseen by GORDON.)

  GORDON. He said the fight was just a mix-up. But he acted like he didn’t want to talk about it. He said he didn’t know why she ran off, she just did. And he tried to find her because he’s worried about her.

  ELEANOR. That’s not what happened. He twists everything around. He come home drunk, is what happened.