MR. UNIVERSE

by Jim Grimsley

  HELEN. Don’t talk to me like I don’t have good sense.

  (Silence.)

  ELEANOR. I wish you would shoot him.

  GORDON. You sound serious.

  ELEANOR. Sometimes I think I could do it myself.

  GORDON. Have you ever used a gun before?

  ELEANOR. My little boy has a BB gun.

  GORDON. Oh well. (Lifting the gun.) That’s nothing like this.

  (Silence.

  GORDON moves from window to window, finally to the door.)

  HELEN. What are you doing?

  GORDON. Just looking.

  HELEN. But he can see you.

  GORDON. Would you stop being ridiculous? I’m not afraid. (Looking out.) I’ll probably go out there soon.

  HELEN. Come away from the door. Close it.

  GORDON. You’re not listening to me. I think what I have to do is go out there. Talk some sense to him.

  HELEN. You think he’s going to listen to you talk sense with a gun in your hand?

  GORDON. I’ll put it in my pocket. My raincoat. Right in the pocket.

  HELEN. You have lost your mind. If you go out there I will call the sheriff myself.

  GORDON. You’ll do no such thing.

  HELEN. She is not going home, Gordon.

  GORDON. I didn’t say a word about that. Where is my raincoat?

  HELEN. In the closet. Where it always is, unless it walks around when I’m not looking.

  GORDON. Get it for me, would you?

  (GORDON should be looking out the door when he says this.

  HELEN simply watches him for a moment; exit HELEN.)

  ELEANOR. Tell him I’ll come on home.

  GORDON. I don’t think I should do that.

  ELEANOR. Yes you do.

  GORDON. What I was going to tell him was, I don’t think you should go home till he calms down.

  ELEANOR. He won’t calm down if I stay here.

  (Silence.)

  GORDON. Are you sure?

  ELEANOR. Yes sir.

  GORDON. You’re welcome to stay.

  ELEANOR. No. I’m not.

  GORDON. I’ll tell him you’ll be home in half an hour. Is that enough time?

  ELEANOR. Yes sir, that’s fine.

  GORDON. You think that will calm him down?

  ELEANOR. It might.

  (Silence.)

  GORDON. I’m sorry. I don’t know what else to do.

  ELEANOR. Yes sir. (Pause.) I don’t think you should tell your wife. When the half hour is up, I’ll just go.

  GORDON (laughing softly). She wouldn’t let you do it, would she?

  (Enter HELEN, with raincoat.)

  HELEN. Wouldn’t let her do what?

  GORDON (taking the raincoat). We were just talking about Eleanor’s little girl.

  HELEN. She’s such a pretty thing. (As GORDON puts on the raincoat.) Are you sure you ought to do this?

  GORDON. Yes. I’ll be fine.

  (Exit GORDON, after putting the gun in his pocket.

  ELEANOR remains in place, listening to the whole world.

  HELEN goes to the windows, roams the stage as the following dialogue occurs.)

  ELEANOR. I ought to get my dress and go. My children are probably scared to death.

  HELEN. Let Gordon talk to him. Maybe it will work, maybe it will calm him down.

  (Silence.)

  HELEN. Did you mean what you said? About shooting him?

  ELEANOR. I don’t know.

  HELEN. You must think about it. Sometimes.

  ELEANOR. Yes ma’am. I do.

  HELEN. Please don’t call me “ma’am.” Call me Helen.

  ELEANOR. It’s not the way I was raised.

  (Silence.)

  HELEN. You must love him. To stay with him like this.

  (ELEANOR laughs very softly.)

  HELEN. Maybe you don’t.

  ELEANOR. I’m sorry. It’s just funny.

  HELEN. I can’t imagine.

  ELEANOR. I never should have come in here.

  HELEN. What would you have done?

  ELEANOR. Usually I just stay outside.

  HELEN. All night?

  ELEANOR. It depends. Sometimes he’ll go on to sleep and I can get back in the house. But sometimes he don’t sleep at all. It’s like there’s something on his mind that worries at him till he can’t rest.

  HELEN. Does he usually hunt for you, like tonight?

  ELEANOR. No ma’am. (Pause.) He’s real mad tonight.

  HELEN. So you don’t think he’ll leave you alone. Even if you do go home.

  ELEANOR. I don’t know what he’ll do.

  HELEN. Isn’t there something else you can do? I hate to think of you over there and this all happening again.

  ELEANOR. Yes ma’am. I know you do.

  (Silence.

  ELEANOR moves cautiously around the room in the quiet, occasionally glancing out the windows.

  Her purpose is to admire the objects in the room and the house itself, though she is afraid to touch anything.)

  HELEN. What are you looking at?

  ELEANOR. Just your house. I like it. Even in the dark.

  HELEN. Thank you. I think I like it too.

  ELEANOR. It must be something, living in a great big place like Atlanta.

  HELEN. It’s a nice city. In a lot of ways.

  ELEANOR. I used to wish we would move there. Me and Jake and the younguns. I thought maybe Jake would make more money in a big place like that. But Jake, he says there’s too many blacks.

  HELEN. I guess a lot of people must feel like that. Seems like all the white people are moving north.

  ELEANOR. Why did you folks move way out here?

  HELEN. I don’t know. I used to. But I’m not sure anymore. (Pause.) We don’t have any children. I told you that already, didn’t I?

  ELEANOR. Yes ma’am.

  HELEN. We’ve been married ten years. That’s a long time, for just two people. And last year Gordon got a big promotion and he was making enough that I didn’t need to work. (Pause.) So we started talking about it. And we decided if we were ever going to have children, we needed to do it soon. And then we found this house. And Gordon fell in love with it. And so we bought this place and I quit my job. And now I’m trying to get pregnant.

  ELEANOR. But you’re not.

  HELEN. No. (Pause.) We’ve been working at it.

  ELEANOR. I’m sorry.

  HELEN. Oh, it’ll be fine. I’m healthy enough to have a baby, the doctor said so. (Pause.) But it’s been a long year. Way out here. Funny how it worked out. Gordon was the one who wanted to move out here so bad. But I’m the one who’s here all the time.

  (Silence.

  They listen.

  The storm has lessened.)

  ELEANOR. Storm’s breaking.

  HELEN. Yes. Smell. (She smiles.) I had an aunt who lived near here. Not that close, about an hour away. Naugaton. I stayed on her farm sometimes. And it would always rain in the afternoon. I thought it was so peaceful, the rain and the wind and the trees. Every day. They had a pretty farm. It’s not there anymore, they sold it to somebody.

  ELEANOR. Did you grow up in Atlanta?

  HELEN. Yes. Sandy Springs. We moved there when I was little, before they built all over it. I hate going back there now. (Pause.) Do you see anything out there?

  ELEANOR. No ma’am.

  (Silence.)

  HELEN. Why did you marry your husband?

  (Silence.)

  ELEANOR. He was a sweet boy, Mrs. Hammond. When I first knew him. I was at a fair with my friend Ginny and he was winning this dart game, and I was watching him. Because I didn’t know how to throw anything and he was real good at it. And he saw I was watching. And he liked it. And we kind of fell into each other. I thought it was a good thing then, to have such a wild feeling for somebody. I thought it was what was supposed to happen. To get me away from my papa and my brothers. But now I don’t know, I wish the feeling wasn’t so wild, or Jake wasn’t so wild, or someth
ing.

  (Gunshot is heard.)

  HELEN. Dear God.

  (ELEANOR withdraws to shadow.

  HELEN stands motionless for a moment.

  She takes a deep breath and goes to the phone.

  She fumbles with the phone book in the dark, takes it to a lamp or to the overhead light switch.)

  HELEN. I have to turn on the light.

  (ELEANOR flattens herself in the corner between the windows.)

  ELEANOR. Yes ma’am. I’m ready.

  HELEN. What do I look up?

  ELEANOR. The sheriff. John Anderson. But he won’t be at the office. And he won’t be at home either, his wife left him and he stays out half the night. You ought to call the deputy, his name is Mike McAlister. Right at the beginning of M.

  HELEN. In Potter’s Lake?

  ELEANOR. No ma’am. Somersville. It’s where the courthouse is and it’s where the deputy lives. But the sheriff lives in Potter’s Lake.

  HELEN. Yes I know, and his wife left him.

  ELEANOR. For a black man. She was a teacher.

  HELEN (turning on light, fumbling quickly through the book). Dear God, I’m scared to death. This is the hardest phone book to use, there’s so many towns. There ought to be one list.

  ELEANOR. Nobody would like that.

  (HELEN finds the town and then the number hurriedly.

  She dials the number.

  The phone rings many times before she gets an answer.)

  HELEN. Does the deputy stay out all night too—(Into the receiver.) Hello. Hello. Is this—(Pause.) Oh yes. Well is your husband there? This is Helen Hammond. (Pause.) Helen Hammond. (Pause.) Well, I don’t know you either. I’ve never met you. I live on River Road. (Pause.) Yes, that’s right. From Atlanta. Is your husband there? (Pause.) Oh. Well yes. Have him call me. Yes ma’am. 523–7432. Yes ma’am. That’s right. Please. I have a problem around my house. (Hangs up, looks at the phone.) He’s on a call. (Pause.) Why didn’t I just tell her there was a gunshot?

  (ELEANOR, hearing something, motions for silence.

  JAKE crosses slowly in front of the windows, barehanded, shirtless, his shadow falling against the sheers.

  HELEN silently flattens herself against the wall, kneeling.

  ELEANOR freezes.

  JAKE stands in front of one of the windows, peers inside.

  After a good look, he moves on, rattles the door but does not attempt to come inside.

  HELEN looks to see if it is locked.

  ELEANOR peers out the window.)

  ELEANOR. He’s gone off the porch.

  HELEN. But where’s Gordon? (She moves to a window.) Do you see him?

  ELEANOR. No ma’am.

  HELEN. I should call her back. The deputy’s wife. I should let her know this is important.

  ELEANOR. Could you please get me my dress?

  HELEN. Oh heavens. Yes. Yes. I’m sorry.

  (Exit HELEN, in some confusion.

  Enter HELEN, with dress.

  ELEANOR changes clothes.)

  ELEANOR. Maybe you ought to check the doors.

  HELEN. Ought to what?

  ELEANOR. Check the doors. See if they’re locked. (Listening.) He’s close. Jake is.

  (Tapping is heard backstage, like a fist on the siding of a house.)

  HELEN. I don’t think I locked the back door.

  (The tapping continues.

  HELEN moves toward the back of the house but becomes afraid.)

  HELEN. Dear God. How can you live with someone like this?

  ELEANOR. He’s coming inside.

  HELEN. How do you know?

  (Sound of a door opening.

  ELEANOR hides behind the curtains.

  Enter JAKE, from the back of the house.

  HELEN immediately puts her back to a wall.)

  JAKE. Where is she?

  HELEN. Where is who?

  JAKE. My wife.

  HELEN. She isn’t here.

  JAKE. I asked you where she is.

  HELEN. She went home.

  JAKE. Liar.

  HELEN. She did. A minute ago. When she heard you at the back of the house.

  (JAKE goes to the front door, looks out.)

  JAKE. I don’t see nothing crossing that field.

  HELEN. Do you think she’s stupid enough to go that way? With you after her?

  JAKE. Yes. I think she’s about stupid enough to do anything. You got any more questions?

  HELEN. No. (Pause.) Get out of my house. Before my husband comes back. With his gun.

  JAKE. Your husband ain’t coming back with any gun, honey.

  HELEN. What do you mean?

  JAKE. What I said.

  HELEN. If you hurt Gordon—

  JAKE. I haven’t hurt anybody. All I want is my wife.

  HELEN. Where is he?

  JAKE. In the field out there. He’ll be here after a while.

  (HELEN heads toward the door, but JAKE intercepts her.

  He does not close on her, and she retreats to something like her former position.)

  JAKE. Take it easy baby. Take it easy. All I want is my wife. And I know she’s here.

  HELEN. She’s not here. No one’s here but me. And my husband. If you haven’t killed him. (Pause.) Get out of here and leave me alone.

  JAKE. I told you, just calm down.

  HELEN. I will not calm down.

  JAKE. Yes you will. Yes you will. You have to. Think about it. I mean, look at me. I’m about twice your size. And I want you to shut up. I don’t want to hurt you. I just want you to shut up. Don’t worry. I’m not here to bother you. Just calm down.

  HELEN. Please don’t hurt me.

  JAKE. I won’t. I won’t even touch you. Tell me where my wife is and I’ll leave you alone.

  HELEN. Please do go.

  JAKE. So what did you all do over here tonight? While I was getting my ass soaked out there, waiting for you to finish? Huh?

  HELEN. We weren’t doing anything.

  JAKE. I bet you weren’t.

  HELEN. We were talking. And I made us a sandwich.

  JAKE. Do you make a sandwich for every piece of white trash that crawls up to your door? You’re a mighty sweet lady.

  HELEN. I felt sorry for her.

  JAKE. Oh, did you. And did you ask her all kinds of questions and get her to talk about me? All cow-eyed and hurt looking.

  HELEN. We didn’t talk about you.

  JAKE. Bullshit. She was sitting right here with a bruise on her face where I knocked the hell out of her and you didn’t ask her about it, you just acted like it won’t there? Don’t fuck with me lady, I’m not stupid.

  HELEN. She didn’t say anything bad.

  JAKE. She told you I was drunk, didn’t she? And she told you how I come home with a bottle and she told you where she hid it, but I bet she didn’t tell you she poured it out. I bet she didn’t tell you that’s what made me so mad. I was fine up to then. That’s Eleanor. That’s my wife. Then she wonders why I get mad and knock the hell out of her and she gets the younguns all upset and crying and I can’t stand it. Not when I been working all day to keep a mouthful of food in the house. Not when all I want is a few minutes of peace, with nobody telling me what to do. But she don’t tell you about that. She just lets you see that bruise and she acts all pitiful and you don’t have the sense to tell her to get the hell back home where she belongs. But I do. (Pause.) Is she upstairs?

  HELEN. No.

  JAKE. You are lying to me. Now is my goddamn wife upstairs?

  HELEN. No. I told you.

  JAKE. Look, ma’am. If you know what’s good for you, you’ll start talking to me. Or I will go up there and find her.

  HELEN. I don’t know. I don’t know. You’ll hurt her.

  JAKE. I’m not going to hurt her. Not one bit. What are you looking at me like that for?

  HELEN. I’m scared of you.

  JAKE. I told you you don’t have anything to be afraid of. I like you. Sort of respectful. You know? I mean, you got this
nice house and all. Which must mean you’re good people. (Pause.) So did you and your husband enjoy my wife? Is that why you kept her over here all night? (Pause.) Did you?

  HELEN. I told you. We talked.

  JAKE. Your husband fucked her. I know he did. He told me so. You must have been out of the room when it happened. He said they rolled all over the floor. Right in here. You probably didn’t hear it, this is such a big house.

  HELEN. You liar.

  JAKE. I’m not lying, ma’am. It’s no news to me my wife is a tramp. I’m sorry if you thought your husband was above that kind of stuff. But you might as well know.

  HELEN. You are disgusting.

  JAKE. So what about it? You want me and you to roll around a little?

  HELEN. You stay away from me.

  JAKE. Think about it now. I’m not all soft, like old Gordon is. I’m a man. A real one. You might like it, if you give it a try.

  (Enter GORDON, through the front door.

  He has been shot in the shoulder.

  He carries no gun.)

  HELEN (going to him). Gordon.

  GORDON. I’m all right.

  HELEN (seeing the wound; to JAKE). You bastard. You did shoot him.

  JAKE (laughing; to GORDON). Tell her.

  (GORDON does not react.) Tell her.

  GORDON (wearily). I shot myself. I was trying to get the safety off. Out in the field.

  HELEN. Shot yourself.

  GORDON. Yes.

  JAKE. It was a pretty sight. Yes ma’am. The whole thing was.

  GORDON. Shut up.

  JAKE. Your husband and me had a really touching talk. He did the talking. He had a whole lot to say about me and my family, and how people like you wish there was something you could do to help people like us. And I thought that was right sweet, that you would want to extend the hand of generosity and all. To poor folks like us. And he had a whole lot to say about you. About how sorry he was that you let yourself get involved in this whole situation. You don’t have any common sense, as far as old Gordon here can tell. You got a lot of feelings, which will probably make you a good mother later on. But you don’t have any common sense.

  GORDON (interjecting; JAKE should barely pause). Don’t listen to this crap.

  JAKE. Of course he grew up in Atlanta and he understands all kind of things that are mysteries to the rest of us. (Laughs.) So old Gordon, he told me about all that and I just thanked him for all that information. He talked for a long time and I figured he wanted to make friends or something, after a while. Like he was real lonely. But he kept on standing there after he got through saying all that and I figured he wanted something else. In fact, I was getting a little worried.