MR. UNIVERSE

by Jim Grimsley

  GRIP. Montreat’s gone.

  BEST BOYD. Where?

  GRIP. I don’t know.

  (BEST BOYD goes on with work on the bomb.)

  GRIP. Don’t you understand what I’m telling you? Montreat’s not where we left him.

  BEST BOYD. I heard you.

  GRIP. But he’s dead.

  BEST BOYD. I know. Don’t get so excited.

  GRIP. He didn’t come back here?

  BEST BOYD. No. Not yet anyway.

  GRIP. You think he will?

  BEST BOYD (shrugging). Not much of anywhere else to go.

  GRIP. I should tell Joe. And Hugh.

  BEST BOYD. What for?

  GRIP. He’s probably looking for them.

  BEST BOYD. He’s dead. He’s probably not looking for anybody.

  (BEST BOYD has a disturbing thought.)

  BEST BOYD. Was the pilot still there?

  GRIP. Yeah. Just lying there.

  BEST BOYD. Good. I wouldn’t want two of them walking around. That could be pretty bad. (Pausing in the work on the bomb.) Don’t you think this looks nice now?

  GRIP. What? That thing? I think it looks pretty stupid. Did you put that shit all over it?

  BEST BOYD. Now it’s pretty. Don’t you think so?

  GRIP (pacing). I need a beer. We got any beer left?

  BEST BOYD. Pretty soon they’ll be everywhere. These, I mean. Pointing straight up. Just sitting there. I think I need to comb my hair. Do I? It feels tangled.

  GRIP. Looks fine.

  BEST BOYD. Do you have a comb? With you?

  (Enter JOE LUBE COOL.)

  GRIP. Sure, back in the tent. You want to go get it, fine.

  BEST BOYD (to JOE). Do you have a comb?

  JOE LUBE COOL. Sure.

  BEST BOYD. Can I borrow it?

  (JOE LUBE COOL pulls out the comb, studies it.

  Throws it to BEST BOYD.

  Something in JOE’s stance should indicate that he is horny.)

  GRIP. Have you seen Hugh?

  JOE LUBE COOL. You talking to me? What do you want to know for?

  GRIP. I need to warn him. Montreat’s looking for him.

  JOE LUBE COOL. I’m sure he knows that.

  GRIP. But Montreat’s dead.

  JOE LUBE COOL (shrugging). What difference does that make? (To BEST BOYD.) Hey kid. You got that bomb looking pretty good.

  BEST BOYD. Thanks.

  JOE LUBE COOL. Blue Donna tell you to do that? For the movie?

  BEST BOYD. No.

  JOE LUBE COOL. Hey, that’s great. Initiative.

  BEST BOYD. I like this kind of stuff.

  JOE LUBE COOL. You got a real talent for it.

  (JOE moves very close to BEST BOYD.

  GRIP is figuring out what JOE is up to and begins to look uncomfortable.)

  JOE LUBE COOL. You got any black ribbon here?

  BEST BOYD. Maybe, a little piece. Why?

  JOE LUBE COOL (removing his motorcycle jacket). I want you to tie a piece of it right here. (Points to the bicep nearest BEST BOYD.) I think it would look great. Don’t you?

  (BEST BOYD searches for the ribbon, finds it.

  Cuts off a length of it.

  Fits it to JOE’s arm.

  Tenderly ties it there, touching the bicep worshipfully.)

  JOE LUBE COOL (flexing). Yeah. I like that. Don’t you?

  BEST BOYD. Yeah.

  (They are moving closer to each other.)

  JOE LUBE COOL. You got any more initiatives?

  BEST BOYD. Sure. Some.

  GRIP (to BEST BOYD). We’re about to start shooting again, you can’t fuck him right now.

  (JOE kisses BEST BOYD tenderly, a romantic 1950s-leading-man kiss.

  JOE continues to seduce BEST BOYD.

  Enter BLUE DONNA, holding a camera, followed by DAWN STEVENS, either nude or creatively undressed.

  DAWN is dragging a pad on which MONTREAT’s body is lying.)

  BLUE DONNA (seeing GRIP). Get over here and help Dawn.

  DAWN. Please, this bastard is heavy.

  (GRIP takes the corner of the pad farthest from the camera.)

  BLUE DONNA (looking through the camera). That won’t work. Take off your pants.

  GRIP. Look, I’m not in this fucking movie.

  BLUE DONNA. All I want is your feet. But you can’t have pants on.

  (GRIP takes off pants.)

  GRIP. Where did you find him? (Indicates MONTREAT.)

  BLUE DONNA. Right beside the pilot. Where you left him.

  GRIP (looking suspiciously at the body). Wait a minute. I was just there and this fucker was gone.

  BLUE DONNA (shrugging). We must have gotten there ahead of you. We were coming out of a flashback. You know how that goes.

  GRIP (nodding, as if this makes perfect sense). What was the flashback?

  BLUE DONNA (looking uncomfortable). We don’t have time for this chatter. Pull the body and shut up.

  DAWN. You sure got some ugly legs.

  GRIP. Kiss my ass, why do you think I’m wearing long pants at the beach?

  (GRIP and DAWN pull MONTREAT behind the blanket to the same position he occupied when he watched DAWN and BLUE DONNA.

  During this time, JOE and BEST BOYD have been making out quietly, but now they begin to giggle.)

  BLUE DONNA (seeing JOE for the first time). I will be goddamn.

  DAWN. What?

  BLUE DONNA. Will you look at that son of a bitch. Joe. Joe. Hey Joe. Break it up.

  JOE LUBE COOL (turning to look at her but not releasing BEST BOYD). Yeah?

  BLUE DONNA. Knock it off. I need him. We’re about to get started again.

  (JOE pats BEST BOYD on the head, kisses him tenderly another moment or two, then steps away from him.

  The other actors do not hold for this.)

  DAWN (indicating the position of the body). You like that? Or should we prop him up some.

  BLUE DONNA. Leave him flat like that. It makes him look more dead.

  DAWN (wrinkling her nose). You don’t have to worry about that.

  BLUE DONNA. People won’t be able to smell him on the screen.

  (BLUE DONNA checks to make sure JOE has obeyed her.

  JOE puts on the leather jacket.

  BEST BOYD sits dejectedly near the bomb.)

  GRIP (fiddling with equipment; to BEST BOYD). Get over here and help me with this.

  BEST BOYD (seeing MONTREAT for the first time; to GRIP). I thought you said he was missing.

  GRIP. Donna already had him. I guess.

  BEST BOYD (to BLUE DONNA). Do you want the pilot?

  BLUE DONNA. No, you cut him up too bad. He looks disgusting.

  BEST BOYD. Sorry. (Looks at MONTREAT again.) I guess he wasn’t looking for Hugh after all.

  BLUE DONNA. Where is Hugh?

  JOE LUBE COOL. He’s around.

  BLUE DONNA. Well find him, we don’t have all day.

  (No one is sure who should go, so no one moves.)

  BLUE DONNA. Go find him, Grip.

  (Enter a figure in a robe identical to HUGH YOUNG’S.

  This is the GHOST OF HUGH YOUNG.)

  GHOST. If you’re looking for me, I’m here.

  (Everyone pauses and turns to the GHOST.)

  BLUE DONNA. We’re ready to start shooting again.

  GHOST. Is this the last scene?

  BLUE DONNA. Yes. The one on the blanket. You and Joe.

  (The GHOST moves to center stage and holds there.

  JOE starts to move toward him but hesitates, reconsiders.)

  GHOST. Why are we shooting it again?

  BLUE DONNA. We’re not. This is the last scene. Remember? You and Joe on the beach.

  GHOST. I remember. We shot it yesterday.

  (The GHOST wanders to the blanket, walks around MONTREAT.)

  BLUE DONNA. We weren’t here yesterday. Come on, let Dawn get you in makeup.

  GHOST. We shot this scene yesterday. I won’t do it again.

  (BLUE D
ONNA does not expect this kind of behavior from HUGH and is puzzled.)

  BLUE DONNA. What’s got into you?

  (Enter HUGH YOUNG, in robe, hood down.)

  HUGH YOUNG. Are we ready to shoot yet?

  (Everyone turns, freezes.

  Each backs away from the GHOST.

  JOE LUBE COOL moves quickly to embrace HUGH YOUNG protectively.)

  BLUE DONNA (to the GHOST). Who are you?

  GHOST (pointing to HUGH YOUNG). Him.

  (The GHOST moves slowly toward HUGH.

  Anyone in the GHOST’s path backs away.

  HUGH shows no fear, nor does he acknowledge JOE’s presence.

  The GHOST stops some distance from HUGH.)

  GHOST. Hugh Young.

  HUGH YOUNG. Yes?

  GHOST. Hello.

  HUGH YOUNG. Hello.

  (The GHOST lowers hood.

  Lights should be dim enough that his head glows.

  He is hairless and smooth of feature, and he has no mouth.

  The GHOST approaches HUGH and JOE.

  HUGH stares at the GHOST, fascinated.

  JOE quickly leads HUGH beyond the GHOST to the vicinity of the blanket.

  The GHOST goes to the bomb.

  He removes his robe, revealing a full-body costume that glows.

  The GHOST moves around, over, and under the bomb as he speaks.)

  GHOST. I want to be in the movie. With this. This is the scene I want to film, where I am with this, and me and this are everything. You know? So get your camera and film me. Make a record of this. It was good for me, to live through the bomb. You know? Now I know so much more. I come all to pieces just thinking about it. Now I know what I want. I want this. I want to dance with this.

  (Lights fade, this time not to a complete blackout.

  Dim, amber light. Unreal atmosphere.

  The GHOST moves as before.

  The other actors are confused and do not know where to go.)

  BEST BOYD (looking up at the theater lighting system). Why isn’t the scene changing this time?

  DAWN. Unreality must be affecting the underlying structure of the play. I don’t think this was supposed to happen.

  GRIP. What is that thing? (Indicates the GHOST.)

  DAWN (glancing at HUGH; lowering her voice). That’s Hugh. From the future.

  GRIP. That?

  (DAWN nods.)

  GRIP. Holy shit.

  BEST BOYD. Things are just all screwed up aren’t they?

  DAWN. The whole temporal field is screwy. No telling which one of us is going to walk in here next.

  GRIP. You mean we’re all like that? In the future?

  (None of them had thought about that before.

  They look at one another—the usual horror-movie take.

  BLUE DONNA, who has not been privy to this exchange, walks over to the GHOST, who is still moving in relation to the bomb.

  She studies the GHOST momentarily, then returns to the others.)

  BLUE DONNA (eyeing the GHOST). I think it’s all right now.

  GRIP. What’s all right?

  BLUE DONNA. I don’t think that thing will bother us for a while. I think we can start filming.

  GRIP. You’re out of your mind. We’re getting on the goddamn boat, right now.

  BLUE DONNA. We can’t. It’s not due here for a while.

  GRIP. Then call it and get it here.

  BLUE DONNA. I said we’re going to start filming. Get to work.

  GRIP. I think we should leave. Now.

  BLUE DONNA (ignoring GRIP; turning to HUGH and JOE). You ready? All right, you remember the scene?

  JOE LUBE COOL. We don’t have to say nothing, right?

  BLUE DONNA. No. No dialogue.

  HUGH YOUNG. Is this after the butter scene?

  BLUE DONNA. Yes.

  HUGH YOUNG. So I already know him?

  BLUE DONNA. Yes.

  JOE LUBE COOL. Are we naked?

  BLUE DONNA. Not completely. You get down to your straps. Then you take the straps off each other. Hugh, get out of that robe.

  (HUGH and JOE do as instructed.

  JOE embraces and fondles HUGH with tenderness once they are ready.

  As soon as JOE embraces HUGH the first time, MONTREAT begins to stir.

  The others are all engaged in preparation for the taping and do not notice.)

  BLUE DONNA. All right. Dawn, you ready? (DAWN is.) All right. Here we go. The quicker we get this done, the quicker we get out of here. Boyd, you keep an eye on that thing back there. (She means the GHOST.) Got it? All right, when I say “Action,” I want action. All right. Action.

  (MONTREAT sits up and struggles to stand, holding his head as if it hurts.

  JOE and HUGH have their backs to MONTREAT, but all the others see.)

  GRIP. All right, that’s it.

  BLUE DONNA (softly). Don’t turn around, Hugh. Just walk out this way.

  (MONTREAT tries to say, “I just want to be in this scene,” but since he has shot the roof out of his mouth and through the top of his head, he cannot speak clearly.)

  HUGH YOUNG (equally softly). Go ahead and shoot the scene.

  BLUE DONNA. That’s not a good idea, Hugh.

  HUGH YOUNG. Go ahead. It’ll be all right.

  (BLUE DONNA hesitates.

  HUGH reassures JOE.)

  DAWN. Are you sure?

  HUGH YOUNG. Yes.

  DAWN. You know Donna can’t be liable.

  HUGH YOUNG. I know. It doesn’t matter. Go ahead.

  (MONTREAT has finally gotten to his feet.

  He is standing behind the blanket, just as he described earlier.

  The GHOST is now moving very slowly but is still essentially as before.)

  BLUE DONNA. All right. Everybody ready? (Everybody is ready, even GRIP.) All right. Action.

  (They play out the scene in silence.

  The actors should relax and allow the audience to drink in the tapestry.

  HUGH and JOE act out their love affair on the blanket.

  MONTREAT watches as he had wished.

  DAWN and BLUE DONNA capture the scene from two different angles.

  GRIP and BEST BOYD monitor the recording equipment.

  HUGH and JOE should be as naked and as explicit or stylized as they wish.

  Use of the blanket and positioning of DAWN and BLUE DONNA may soften the impact for the audience where necessary.

  The GHOST, after a time and gradually, stops moving, puts on the robe, pulls up the hood, and approaches the area of the shoot.

  When the GHOST’s presence is noted, action ceases.)

  GHOST. You should leave now. Your boat will be here soon.

  (Exit GHOST as lights fade to black.)

  VOICEOVER. They looked each at the other. The cameras had ceased their efficient recording of light. The shutters had closed. The exposures had ceased to concern anyone. Somewhere on the film it was. Somewhere in those two black boxes, captured. They had forgotten what it was like not to be making the movie. They looked at each other. Like strangers. They packed away the equipment and moved it to the helicopter. They moved in complete efficiency and complete silence, as drained as if they had all had good sex with one another.

  (Lights rise slowly on the scene as the VOICEOVER describes it.

  Everyone is dismantling equipment except HUGH, JOE, and MONTREAT, who are nowhere to be seen.

  No one speaks.

  Everyone knows his or her assigned tasks.)

  VOICEOVER. They knew they would never forget these past days. Any beach. Any time. They would remember the bomb and the noon sun over Bikini Atoll. Even years later, when Big Bang had long since become the underground classic porn film of its generation, even when its remarkable producer-director, Donna Morgan, would look back across her rich career to single out Big Bang as the most truly singular of her achievements. Dawn Stevens, from her eminent office on the crown of Wall Street, attorney to a condom magnate with international shipping interests, would sometimes
tell stories about her madcap week on the beach when she was legal counsel to the notorious lesbian porno director who was obsessed with gay men. Even Grip recalled the experience with fondness afterward, until a freight truck struck his automobile on the interstate outside of Fresno a year or so later. Best Boyd, who had the foresight to provide Donna Morgan with a much-needed infusion of capital at a critical point in the postproduction of Big Bang, retired a millionaire following many other prudent investments. He was never again forced to carry heavy camera equipment across a windswept desolate beach in the South Pacific. As for Joe Lube Cool, his career as America’s most beloved gay porno stud continued through many films and he was destined for crescendo after crescendo of acclaim. Most successful of all, of course, was the bomb, which changed the face of history and altered the destiny of nations.

  (Enter JOE LUBE COOL and HUGH YOUNG.

  HUGH stands center stage, where his GHOST stood.

  JOE stands behind him, embracing him.)

  JOE LUBE COOL. I bet you look great in that scene.

  (Pause; no answer from HUGH.)

  JOE LUBE COOL. Is something wrong?

  HUGH YOUNG. No.

  (Pause.)

  JOE LUBE COOL. You sure? You act like something’s wrong.

  HUGH YOUNG. I just wonder.

  (Pause.)

  JOE LUBE COOL. Wonder what?

  HUGH YOUNG. What’s going to happen. Tomorrow.

  JOE LUBE COOL. Things have been pretty crazy around here.

  (Enter MONTREAT, not completely onto the playing area but into its perimeter, within sight of HUGH YOUNG.

  Enter GHOST, onto another part of the perimeter.)

  JOE LUBE COOL (standing). Is that the boat? (Shouting.) Hey! Hello out there! (To HUGH.) Hey, I’ve got to tell everybody, you want to wait here?

  HUGH YOUNG. Don’t go right now.

  JOE LUBE COOL. What do you mean? There’s the boat.

  HUGH YOUNG. It’s pretty far off.

  JOE LUBE COOL (looking horny again). You got something in mind?

  (HUGH stands and embraces JOE.)

  HUGH YOUNG. I don’t want you to go right now, that’s all.

  JOE LUBE COOL. Look, I told you, you’re going to be fine. You don’t have anything to worry about.

  (The lights are beginning to change as if at random.)

  HUGH YOUNG (moving away from JOE). All right.

  JOE LUBE COOL (moving toward the exit). I’ll be right back. You want to ride in the helicopter with me?

  (HUGH does not answer.

  Exit JOE.

  Lights become dim but continue to shift.)

  HUGH YOUNG (softly). All right.