Elle: Centennial Gardens. I could go for some Chinese.
Jason: lol you could always go for Chinese. Pick you up at 8:30?
I’m about to type yes, when I realize Kennedy and Nick will probably be home then. There’s no way I’m going to have Jason show up here. And that thought alone should stop me from going on a date with Jason. But I’m going.
Elle: I’ll meet you there. I’ve got a few errands to run.
Jason: Awesome. See you tomorrow xx
Elle: Can’t wait.
Maybe that’s overstating it, but there’s no point moping around over Dominic. Because screw him for cheating on me and lying to me. Stuck in the office, my ass. Stuck with a sexy brunette’s legs wrapped around him, more like. Are they in his bed right now? Or were they unable to wait to get to his place, and they’re in the backseat of his car, her skirt hiked up, his pants and underwear slid down as she straddles him and– I can’t breathe.
He’s moved on. Now I have to as well.
I light up another bong hit.
“What was that all about?” Kennedy asks.
“Meeting for coffee tomorrow night.”
“Dominic?”
I nod.
“Cool.”
I nod again, and take another toke, keeping my mouth shut. She’d definitely freak if she knew it was Jason I’m meeting instead of Dominic.
But it’s my life. And I have got this.
I hope.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
My favourite part of Centennial Gardens restaurant is the live koi pond. We actually have to walk over a small bridge to get to our seats, and it’s completely charming. With the deep red walls, and gold decorations, it’s like walking across a tiny bridge into another world. I haven’t eaten in here for a while; we mostly get takeout.
The waitress shows us to a table in the middle of the restaurant, right beside the pond, and hands us menus. The place is fairly packed, but it usually is on account of the high quality food.
“Can I get a sake?” Jason smiles at the waitress.
“Warm?”
“Yes.”
“And for you?” She looks at me.
“Can I just get a ginger ale please?” My stomach isn’t feeling super settled. I’m still not sure this is the best idea, but I’m plunging ahead. Either way, liquor is probably not the best idea tonight. I woke up with a bit of a weed hangover, which is new for me. Mild headache, sore chest, slightly less brain power than I’m used to. But I’m still raw about Dominic, and it took a lot of pot to clear my mind enough to sleep.
The waitress leaves, and we look at the menus, even though I already know what I’m going to order. Dinner for 1 F. Swapping the ginger beef for more dry ribs.
“What are you going to get?”
He looks at the back of the restaurant. “Think I might go for the buffet.”
“They do have a good one.”
“Yup. More bang for your buck. This place is pricey.”
Classy.
“What are you getting?”
“My usual.”
“Playing it safe,” he teases.
Not even a little bit. “Yes.”
He hands me his menu, and I set them on the table. The waitress brings us our drinks and takes my order. “If you give us about ten, fifteen minutes, we should have your girlfriend’s food ready, so if you get yours from the buffet then, you can eat together.”
I thank the waitress. She nods and walks away. Jason stands up.
“Where are you going?”
He looks down at me. “What, I’m not the one who ordered from the menu. I’m famished!”
I’m starving too, munching out from the joint I smoked before leaving the house. “You’re not going to wait so we can eat together?” Dominic would wait – it wouldn’t even occur to him to eat before me. He would... cheat on me and I need to stop thinking about him.
“Why should I? You’re probably not going to starve to death.”
“Oh. Yeah, I guess you’re right.”
He squints and nods. “You want me to wait? I can wait.” He moves to sit down.
“No, that’s silly. No point both of us being tortured by how good it smells in here. Go dish up, I’ll be fine.”
“Kay.” He smiles and walks away.
I sip my ginger ale and watch the koi swim around in the pond. An aquarium isn’t something I’d ever want, but a pond might be cool if I had a yard big enough.
“Elle?”
His voice wraps me in a soft blanket, then throws me off an emotional cliff.
Dominic.
Fighting for composure, I turn from the pond and look up at him, standing by the table. He’s in a black suit, crisp white shirt, and a dark, metallic tie. He looks better than he has any right to look, and his face is lit up, happy to see me.
Before I can stop him, he leans down and kisses me softly on the lips. His scent invades my senses, a hundred memories of us invade my mind, and my body responds immediately. How I still want this man.
But oh how he hurt me.
My spine stiffens. “Dominic.”
“Hey, I was just...” his voice trails off as he takes in my posture, looks closer at my face. “What’s wrong? Your eyes are red. Have you been crying? Has something happened?”
I laugh at the ridiculousness of that question, once, and grit my teeth together to prevent the laugh from turning into tears. “I can’t believe you’d even ask me that.”
“I don’t follow. Have I done something wrong?” He squats down and speaks quietly, keeping the conversation private. If I wanted to I could reach out and touch that beautiful, treacherous, disloyal face. Staring into these eyes is torture. All I see are his arms around that woman, swinging her around, laughing with her. His hand on her lower back guiding her into the restaurant. Where else on her body did those hands—
“Can I help you?” Jason slides his heaping plate into his place at the table and sits down.
“Jason.” His name flies out of my mouth, too startled by his presence to stop it.
Dominic frowns. “Jason? As in, Jason?”
“You’ve heard of me.” Jason smirks. “Glad to know I wasn’t completely forgotten, Sexy As.”
“Sexy as? Elle, what’s happening?” Dominic’s eyes darken with confusion. “Please tell me you’re not on a date with this... guy.”
“Dude,” Jason talks around a mouthful of chow mein. “We’re on a date, so if you wouldn’t mind, you’re kind of cramping my style and embarrassing yourself.” He makes a rude shooing motion with his hand. This moment should make me feel better, revenge over Dominic who cheated on me, lied to me, but all I feel is embarrassment, like I’ve been caught out doing something naughty and I should know better.
“Is this true? You’re on a date with him?” He keeps his voice low, but I feel the shock flattening his tone.
Swallowing hard, I pray my voice stays steady. “I don’t think who I see is any of your business anymore.”
“Elle, please tell me what happened. What the hell would make you go back with him? Everything was perfect between us.”
“Don’t you have food to eat or something, guy? A date of your own?” Jason sneers.
Dominic’s eyes stay on mine. “I was here making reservations for us. You’d said it was your favourite.”
He remembered the name of a restaurant I mentioned once in passing. I slam that emotional door shut. It doesn’t matter if he remembered. “Yeah, well now you won’t have to remember anything about me anymore.” I cross my arms and look down at the tablecloth.
“Elle—”
“Dude. Obviously you went out with my girl a few times, but—Hey! Is this the dumbass who stood you up the other night at the museum, Sexy As?”
My humiliation is now complete. My face burns so hot, I may spontaneously combust. “Thanks for bringing that up, Jason.”
“What’s he talking about, Elle? I never...wait, the night I cancelled?”
“It was a fabul
ous date,” Jason’s voice drips with glee. “I guess I have you to thank for that.”
“Jason! Just stop talking,” I snap.
Dominic’s skin is paler than usual. “So you’ve been seeing him? Because I didn’t show up?”
“That you think I’m that kind of petty person shows how little you know me. If that was it, there wouldn’t have been an issue.”
“Then what—”
Jason leans forward, peering intently at Dominic. “I’m going to have to ask you to leave my girl alone. You’re obviously upsetting her.”
“She’s not your girl,” Dominic replies without looking at Jason. “Are you? After what he did to you, you would go back with him?”
I can’t say yes, but I can’t deny it. It’s none of his business what I am.
“There’s your answer,” Jason grins.
Dominic’s jaw tightens. “You don’t deserve her.”
“And you do?”
“Maybe not. But she sure as hell deserves better than you.”
“Ellie is a big girl, and she’s made her choice.”
Have I?
Dominic leans closer. “I don’t know what all this,” he gestures to Jason and me, “is about, but you’re making a mistake, Elle. Don’t give him the chance to hurt you again. He won’t be there for you the way you need. He hurt you once, he’ll do it again. I would never—”
“You already have!” My voice is crushed beneath the weight of my pain, and comes out a savage, squeaky whisper. Tears build up out of nowhere, blurring my vision, but I don’t dare blink or they might fall.
His gaze sharpens in shock. “What are you talking about? I—”
“Pretty sure she’s not interested, bro,” Jason says.
Dominic ignores him, reaches for my hand. “Elle, please.”
The “please” does it. How can he just look at me like this, like I’m the one doing him wrong, making a mistake? I saw him with another woman, his arms around her, kissing her! I can’t do this. I made every excuse in the world for Jason when he left me, I can’t do it again and delude myself about Dominic being who I thought he was. I snatch my hand away before he can burn me with his touch. If he doesn’t leave I’m going to shatter right here in front of him. “No, you know what, Dominic, I think it’s best if you just go. Please, just go. Please.”
Hurt flares in his eyes, but he nods, straightens, and leaves. He’s too much of a gentleman to argue, too much of a bastard to admit to, or apologize for, what he did. Equal parts relief and regret fill me in the wake of his silent departure.
I pretend I don’t notice him stand at the door, and watch me for a long moment before he walks out of the restaurant, and out of my life.
“God, who was that guy anyways? Just a casual lay, right? Not a new boyfriend?”
“No. He’s nobody to me.” Not anymore.
And maybe someday soon my heart will believe that.
***
A desire to move on has me agreeing to go to Jason’s place when he offers to give me the tour. I feel like a nervous teen. I’m not sure if we’re going to sleep together or not, but I shouldn’t feel nervous about it. We dated for months, slept together many, many times.
But it feels new. We’re not really picking up where we left off. Too much happened. And just because this wouldn’t be our first time together, doesn’t mean we should rush in to anything. I don’t think Jason sees it the same way. After the grand tour of his condo, Jason told me he needed a shower. He disappeared into the bathroom after I declined his invitation to join him. I don’t think he really wanted one by himself, but I’m not going to join him.
I’ve taken my coat off, grabbed a glass of water, and settled on the couch in the meantime. Seeing the hurt in Dominic’s eyes at the restaurant hasn’t settled anything. I thought confronting him and telling him it’s over would free me to move on. Cut the emotional ties. But it’s only made me realize I still have feelings for him. Stronger feelings than the ones I have for Jason. Pain pours into my chest and floods my lungs. I still want Dominic.
Which is ridiculous considering what he did to me. And then acting baffled when I confronted him. What a dick! I don’t even know why I’m thinking about him. That chapter of my life is over now. I’m beginning a new one with Jason. Maybe.
Yes! We’re starting over fresh, history behind us. We’re taking our time. There isn’t really a reason not to be together in every way.
So why is he alone in the shower while I sit here thinking of someone else?
I boot Dominic’s face from my mind and take a sip of water. No reason at all to not be together.
Except I’m still in love with Dominic.
The thought and realization roar through me, unable to be denied a moment longer. Shit. I can’t let Dominic’s betrayal push me back into Jason’s arms. Is that what I’m doing? Is Jason right for me, or is he convenient?
Even though he seems to really care about me, Jason still hurt me so deeply, so casually. So recently. Am I really over that? Could we build a relationship from foundations that shaky? No big deal, Jason. You tore my heart out of my chest, but I’m still in love with my ex. Let’s ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after.
What kind of message does that send about how he can treat me? I’m such an idiot. We can’t do this. Maybe we can date, but we can’t just pick up where we left off. I need to get over Dominic, and really think about what I want. When Jason gets out of the shower, I’ll be straight with him. I’ll say, “Jason. If we’re going to have a future, I need some time apart to think about what I want. I’m not sure if you can be a part of my future—not while our past is all around, colouring everything we do. We have a lot of trust to rebuild. Dominic is still in my heart, and I can’t start something with you while on the rebound. It wouldn’t be fair to either of us. I need some time, and maybe... Let’s leave it at maybe for now.”
Yes. Leaning forward to set my glass on the coffee table, I twitch as Jason’s phone buzzes against the table.
On vibrate, cells sound like a depressed cow when they rattle against a table.
His screen lights up, displays the message. Curiosity killed the cat. It’s almost eleven. Bit late for a text? I glance at it.
Mandy: hey babe what r u up to tnite?
Babe? Wonder who this Mandy with the fast and loose attitude to grammar and spelling is, she seems pretty friendly. My fingers itch to grab his phone and scroll through their conversations, but I resist. What am I, an insecure high school girl? Besides, Jason and I have some trust to rebuild, and me going through his phone and reading his texts is the opposite of that. He may have left me once, but he didn’t cheat on me—not like Dominic.
Forcing him from my mind again, I grab at the TV remote just as Jason’s phone gets another text. The angle the screen’s at, I can see it perfectly.
Mandy: I miss you my love x
And now she’s got my attention. I grab the phone, and guiltily jerk a glance at the bathroom door. The shower stream is still going strong. What the hell is going on? Is this another woman? Has he been seeing someone else? No, she’s probably just a friend. Still...
Jason: Miss you too, I type. Send.
There’s no air in the apartment, nothing to breathe. I side-eye the bathroom door, waiting for her response, flinching when the phone vibrates in my hand only a few seconds later. Mandy is eager to talk.
Mandy: when u comin home? Beds 2 big wo u in it with me ;)
Home? But he said he’d moved back. He got this place. Is... Is he planning on leaving here again? He wouldn’t bail on me twice, would he? What the hell is he up to?
Scrolling through the thread of their messages, going back months. I notice the difference in Jason’s communications to Mandy over the past month. Up until he came back here, it was a few messages a day; messages filled with endearments, and I love yous. They started talking two weeks after he left me.
Two weeks after he left me, I was still in denial. I hadn’t even begun t
o start crying over him. The missing air comes crashing back, sitting on top of my chest, the weight of all the nights I spent crying over Jason.
Until a short while ago, his texts were full of love. Then he tells her he has to leave town for work. After that, it changes. Her texts come just as frequently, but his don’t.
The truth kicks me in the mind. Christ, I could watch my skin crawl right now if I could tear my gaze from the phone’s small screen.
At least she got a few texts from him. It’s more than I got when he did it to me.
And now he’s doing it to her. She’s me a few short months ago, when I still had the blanket of delusion covering my eyes. She still thinks he’s hers, and that he’s coming back. But he’s not. I know for a fact he’s not. She is me. Past Elle.
Fuck that. My thumbs fly over the touch screen, typing her a message that I know he’ll never write.
Jason: Mandy, I’m not just working. I’ve moved back, but haven’t known how to tell you. I’ve been seeing my ex. You should move on. You deserve better than me.
Send. I switch his phone off. Maybe sending her a text was crossing a line. But I really can’t scrounge up enough give-a-fuck at the moment to feel even the tiniest bit sorry.
Impulsively, unrepentantly, I shove his phone deep into the cracks of the couch. Because fuck him. I don’t care if he never finds it. Who knows what he’ll say to Mandy if she calls him now. The smarmy, slippery bastard would probably talk her round in thirty seconds. I’ve heard of people being bad with confrontation, but this is next-level shit. The relief I feel shows me I shouldn’t be with Jason, and that on some level I knew that he isn’t the one for me.
But the outrage I feel over what he’s doing to Mandy is for me and for her. I know exactly how shitty it feels to be in her shoes. And I can’t get away fast enough.
Grabbing my purse, I angrily shove my trembling arms into the sleeves of my sweater and stalk over to the door.
Just Breathe Page 20
